How to deal with grief as a parent
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
The Clare Byrne Show on Newstalk. With Aviva Insurance.
And when children face loss, the right words and actions can make all the difference. Dr Clare Crowe, member of the Psychological Society of Ireland, is with me now. And Clare, this is a really difficult one to grapple with. We have to change our response, I would imagine, depending on the age of the child. And for some, it might be their first realisation and understanding that things end.
Yeah, absolutely. And I think parents get caught in what are the words I should say?
What are the best ways for parents to talk to children about death?
What are those perfect words? And actually, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that you have care and compassion and that you say it in a loving way. So whatever way you say that someone has died, that is OK, because we are giving that model of I'm here with you. I'm sharing that information with you and I care about your reaction. And of course, the thing is, kids will react so differently to adults. So adults, we tend to sit in grief. So we have a sustained period of it. But children do what we call puddles of grief. So they jump into a puddle and they're in grief, but then they immediately jump back out of it. So you might tell them, you know, granddad has died and they might reply saying, OK, can I go back and play now?
And you're thinking, gosh, do they even react? But actually, that's what children do. They don't process immediately. They'll let you know when they're ready to jump back into that puddle.
OK, because that can be quite unnerving as an adult to see that.
Yeah, it is just a completely different way of grieving than we do. And actually, it's a gorgeous way. They go up and down in grief. never sustained, which means you get this gorgeous windows of, oh, you're just yourself now, even though I can see you're still sad. But you mentioned that there, Clare, there are different stages of grief depending on their age. So when we think, you know, parents will often say to me, oh, they're only an infant. They don't experience this. But actually infants do experience grief because like our, you know, our little toddlers, our babies, they're body talkers and body readers. So what they will read is, you're more tense, right? So it's really good if you can put that into words.
So from a neuroscience point of view, if we put words in our experiences for children, that takes away the trauma, helps them make sense of the world again. So I had a mom who said to me, gosh, my one-year-old is a devious. She keeps on saying to me, granddad's dead. And then that immediately makes me cry. And I was saying to her, gosh, your kid is so clever because, you know, what the one year old was learning is I say granddad dead, mom cries. So dead means sad. So she's making sense of the world. So it's a gorgeous, normal way to do it. And like I say, and you're a scientifically sound way to do it. So that's what they, that baby needed and that's what she needed. what they were doing.
So that's just her trying to make sense of what has happened.
Of the tension. You know, she can experience the change in mood and atmosphere in the household. And they'll say it at different times and they can catch you off guard.
Because if what she's seeing is mum is sad when I say this, is she trying to provoke that reaction because it's puzzling to her to see mum being sad? Yes.
Yeah.
How do children's reactions to grief differ from adults?
And what she needs is mom to say, it's not you that's made me sad. I'm sad because granddad died. So that's the gorgeous story we do for our children. And that's what helps them realize, oh, it's not me because kids are so egocentric. They'll think it's all about me. So what we're doing with our language of words is we're helping them realize this is something outside of you, but also, and I feel it and that's okay. Mommy's sad. Right. Yeah. But that's OK.
And I'm sure you get asked a lot. Should I bring my child to the funeral? Should I bring my child to the wake?
Is there a right answer to that question? Yes, there is and there isn't in terms of I never have a definite. I have three pointers that I give to parents.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:01–0:35
2
What are the best ways for parents to talk to children about death?
0:35–3:11
3
How do children's reactions to grief differ from adults?
3:11–6:09
4
What stages of grief should parents consider based on a child's age?
6:09–13:19
5
How can parents help children process grief effectively?
13:19–13:42