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Chapter 1: What is the premise of 'One Person Found This Helpful'?
This is One Person Found This Helpful with me, Frank Skinner. Hello, yes, welcome to One Person Found This Helpful, the show where we look at online reviews, all genuine, and sometimes people write great long screeds about what they've just bought.
Other times they're more succinct, like this person, who purchased a 3,000-watt electric meat grinder with two stainless steel blades, four grinding plates and a kibble kit and simply said, I was able to process an elk. So, please welcome our four-star panel. On my left is Dee Allum and Pierre Novelli, and on my right is Zoe Lyons and Hassan Al-Abid.
APPLAUSE So, this being a show all about reviews, I want to ask the panellists if they've ever been put through the mincer by a critic, and if so, to share it with us now, starting with Hassan.
I had... This is the feedback I got after my first gig at university. An older man comes up to me and he says... That was very, very... That was very good English. LAUGHTER I said, sorry, what do you mean?
Chapter 2: What funny reviews do the panelists share?
He said, are you not here on that £10,000 refugee scholarship? LAUGHTER I said, look, my dad came to this country from Iraq to study for a PhD in engineering. He raised my sisters and I in the West Midlands. And we've never even been to Iraq. So let me ask you a question, sir. Do you think I'd still be eligible? Because for 10,000 pounds, I'll do an accent. We had to flee Birmingham.
No bin collection, very unhygienic in Birmingham.
Chapter 3: How do the panelists respond to their worst reviews?
APPLAUSE What about you, Pierre? I'm on tour at the moment, and the tour got listed in The Guardian, which is a new thing for me, that's never happened before, but in the listing, in their recommendation, back to basics observational comedy, no overarching themes.
LAUGHTER
It's like a review of Gothic architecture. And not true. Yours is an elaborate Baroque act. Very unfair to The Guardian. Why are they so bitter? I read one recently and it said something like, life-changing drama, three stars.
LAUGHTER
Chapter 4: What humorous anecdotes do the guests share about their experiences?
What about you, Dee? Well, my worst ever review was actually from a romantic partner. It was my first relationship that I was in. I was, like, 18 years old. And in hindsight, that relationship was never going to work, you know, because I was a woman and she was a harlot.
LAUGHTER
Basically, I could feel it failing, so I tried to make a big gesture, win her back. Something important to know about my girlfriend at the time is that she was Kurdish. The Kurds are an ethnic group from the Middle East. They're very proud of their own culture, and particularly of their own language.
Chapter 5: How does Genghis Khan relate to modern practices?
So what I thought I would do, as a big romantic gesture, is spend six months of my life... learning Kurdish. I could go and surprise her with a little speech. So I found a man online called Kamal, who's often like Kurdish tutoring, helped put together this little speech.
I go over to her house on Christmas Day, and I say the first line of the speech, which was, which means, I have been learning a little bit of Kurdish. I've got her and I say, and she looks at me, I'll never forget this. She looks at me and she says, what? So I say it again, and she says, are you feeling all right? And I say, no.
And it turns out that Kamal has taught me a very specific dialect of Kurdish, which is not mutually intelligible with the very normal kind of Kurdish that my girlfriend speaks at home.
Chapter 6: What unusual books do the panelists discuss?
So... Any Kurds in?
That's terrified a few passers-by.
LAUGHTER
I got dumped by a woman. We were naked in bed together and she said, look, I can't carry on with this. I need to tell you I've been seeing someone else. It's all over. And I remember I got out of bed immediately and put my pants on and then got back into bed. Almost as if to say, right, well, you won't be seeing that again.
LAUGHTER
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Chapter 7: What strange products are reviewed in this episode?
You got any nightmare reviews, Zoe?
Yeah, many. I mean, I tend not to seek out reviews, but occasionally you have reviews thrust upon you. The worst place I've found for that, of course, is the Edinburgh Festival as a comedian. I'd just finished the show. This is why I never use public toilets anymore.
I was in the middle cubicle of the ladies' loos and two women came either side of me in the other toilets and then just continued to absolutely destroy me. They went, did you like her? I didn't like her. Did you like her?
Chapter 8: What are the final thoughts and conclusions from the panelists?
I didn't like her. I didn't think she was very funny at all. I didn't think... What did you think, Sharon? I didn't think she was very good. I hope the next person's better than that. And I couldn't leave the loo and I thought, well, I... Clearly I live here now. This is where I live. I'll just have to spend the rest of my life in a middle cubicle in an Edinburgh toilet.
In the end, I resorted to just writing on a piece of toilet paper. I quite like to just shut it under the floor.
OK, this round's called What Am I Watching? And it's about films. For every film, there's an opinion, although sometimes the opinion is a little unexpected. Like this person reviewing the 1994 classic The Shawshank Redemption.
Near-perfect movie, moving, humane, the scene where Andy Dufresne plays Solaria from The Marriage Of Figaro is perhaps the supreme tribute to men transcending their surroundings. My only objection is that prisoners would fart a lot more. LAUGHTER I'm guessing. I mean, even solitary confinement is not without its freedoms. LAUGHTER
So each team is going to hear two reviews left by people who've watched a particular movie, and they have to work out what that movie is. If they can't get it after two, I'll give them another review, but then they only get one point. We'll start with D and Pierre, and here's your first review, and it has a philosophical bent. It is said that no man can avoid death and taxes.
In this much-praised allegorical film, a man tries to avoid death. Perhaps a film about a man avoiding taxes would have been more amusing.
LAUGHTER
Well, Jimmy Carr is very funny. He is!
LAUGHTER So, any ideas? Is there one where specifically they try and avoid the Reaper?
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