Conflict Owner's Manual

115 How do you manage in polarized debates?

22 Dec 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Have you been uncomfortable when someone you disagree with insists on telling you why you're wrong? We discuss some conflict competent responses ...

114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict?

14 Dec 2025

Contributed by Lukas

What happens when your discomfort with taking risks clashes with someone's need to be on time? Or, you think your comment is realistic but someon...

113 What stops you listening and how to fix it

07 Dec 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Are you more polite to strangers than to friends? Do friends trigger you in ways that co-workers don't? Why do you listen and react differently t...

112 What's a good breakup?

30 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Have you ever dumped a friend? Did you do it well? Would the dumped friend agree you did it well? Or, have you stayed friends with someone for a reaso...

111 The benefits you get from trying to be conflict competent

23 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Sure, there are lots of benefits to handling your conflicts competently. And there's also effort involved. How do you stay motivated enough to ma...

110 How is your relatability a conflict competence?

16 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Do you want to be so likeable that you never have conflict? Is your goal to be so nice that any conflict is either avoided or is resolved as fast as p...

108 What benefits do you get from conflict competence?

09 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

How do you feel during and after you have a conflict? Our goal is for you to manage your conflicts well enough that you don't feel bad, awful, or...

109 What conflict competencies help when you're overwhelmed

02 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

These are overwhelming and complex times, with demands on our time and resources from many directions. Sometimes, you need help sorting out how to add...

106 How do you conduct a conflict communication audit

27 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

A conflict communication audit takes a lot of context and factors into account. But all of those factors are within your control. In this second episo...

107 Have you done your conflict communication audit?

19 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Perhaps you ask: "What's a conflict communication audit and why do one?" It isn't like a corporate communication audit of executiv...

105 Resolution emerges from owning your conflict

12 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Here's what's unique about this podcast: Our belief is that you already have skills to manage conflict. We help you practice your skills, s...

104 Superman's intentions are a conflict competence

06 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The movie, Superman, is a fun practice tool for analyzing how intentions matter in conflicts. As you intend, your actions follow. As Superman fights L...

103 What are conflict competent responses to being offended?

28 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

It's achieved international newsworthiness that people are offending and being offended, cancelling and being cancelled, silent and being silence...

102 How is 'owning' your conflict a different skillset than resolving conflict?

28 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Would you like to have the secret to resolving your conflict? The secret is: improve your conflict competency so you have skills to handle almost any ...

100 What elite athletes can teach about conflict competence

25 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Elite athletes heal faster and manage pain better than most people. We can apply their techniques to improve our conflict competence and manage confli...

101 Are you missing opportunities to talk before you judge (and are judged)?

22 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

When someone posts about a conflict on social media, they can expect comments and judgment to pile on. Did the person who posted talk to the other par...

98 What does it mean to own your conflict, and how do you own it?

21 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Why would you want to own your conflict? When you don’t manage yourself in conflict, do you make the situation worse? Here are three steps to take t...

99 Not every conflict has to become a fight

14 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

We recorded this episode before this week's political assassination, but as I listen to the recording before posting it, that's what I think...

97 How to use cartoons to practice conflict competence

07 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

You can practice conflict competence almost anywhere, using every interaction, even characters' dialogue in cartoons. Using two cartoons as examp...

96 Did your simple conflict get complicated fast?

04 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Some conflicts expand beyond their origin story, so you lose track of who started the conflict, and what your original conflict conflict goals were. T...

95 The good, bad, and ugly of being avoided

31 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

What skills help in a conflict where you're willing to talk but the other person is avoiding you? We discuss conflict styles, so that you can cho...

94 What's the harm of a polarized conflict?

27 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Even regular folks like us are affected by this era of polarized conflict. It isn't just politics and social media that has become polarized in h...

93 The good, bad, and ugly of competing as a conflict competency

24 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

You have at least five conflict management styles available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using t...

92 How to talk about workplace conflict at a job interview

20 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

What does a good wellness program at work offer? The 2024, Wellhub State of Work-life Wellness Report lists some of the benefits of a good wellness pr...

91 The good, bad, and ugly of compromising as a conflict competency

17 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

We continue exploring the conflict management styles you have available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competenc...

90 What is a conflict management mindset?

13 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

You use your conflict competencies in every conflict. You can choose how your conflict competency and managing conflict work together. The key is your...

89 The good, bad, and ugly of accommodating as a conflict competency

10 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

There is no 'best' conflict management style to use in all contexts and for all relationships. Your conflict competency is using the most ap...

88 How do you resolve a communication mismatch?

07 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Sometimes, even when you try hard to resolve a conflict you hit an impasse. There are many possible reasons that a conflict resists resolution, and on...

87 Watch TV to practice conflict analysis

03 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Being able to analyze conflict is one of the most important conflict competencies. You will want to know what's really going on, underneath the i...

86 What's the right age for repairing a relationship?

30 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Tyson and I are grateful to have Conflict Owners Manual listeners ranging in age from teen to seniors. Who is too young and who is too old to improve ...

85 How to stay non-defensive when verbally attacked

27 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

When others verbally attack you, it's hard to keep your cool. Three common but ineffective arguments an opponent might use against you are: 1. a...

84 What conflict competencies might have helped my 40 year old self?

23 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Some conflict competencies are subtle and invisible to others. Two skills start as small differences in your approach to conflict that lead to a big d...

83 What do you fear in conflict?

20 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

What would your situation look like if you weren't afraid? Fear is a 360 degree driver of conflict, from starting conflict to escalation, to crea...

82 What conflict competencies would you wish for your 30-year-old self?

17 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

No one is born conflict competent. Over time, we learn complex communication. The quality of our relationships improves. In this second take on what s...

81 How conflict competence impacts loneliness for the better

13 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Conflict competence improves quality of relationships. Building community improves quality of life. In this era of loneliness, where friends are so im...

80 What conflict competencies would you wish for your 20-year-old self?

09 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

No one is born conflict competent. Babies don't negotiate, they demand. Over time, we grow up and learn people skills. The quality of our relatio...

79 Do you and your roommates (or family) need a conflict management plan?

06 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

If you find yourself sharing space, whether with a partner, roommate, family, or stranger, it's a good idea to agree with them on a conflict mana...

78 How do you use and practice conflict analysis?

03 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The conflict competency I use most often is conflict analysis. You want to answer the right question and resolve the correct conflict, which means ana...

77 How to ask good questions that invite conversations

29 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This is the third episode on what makes a good question in conflict situations. We look at the purpose you want your question to serve in the conflict...

76 How do you know when to quit trying dialogue?

26 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Are there times when trying dialogue is wasted time? A listener mentions our polarized political climate, and asks if dialogue is always the way to ap...

75 What movie, show or book shows conflict competence done well?

22 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

It's an accepted truth of the creative community that conflict is story. No conflict, no story. No conflict is boring, not drama. Or no dramatic ...

74 What makes a good question the right question?

18 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

A good question is the right question for the conflict you’re having. You’ve heard the expression: there’s no such thing as a silly question. Bu...

73 Why describe your conflict in story or simile?

15 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

We remember stories better than we remember lectures. Stories entertain, comfort, explain, build bonds, persuade, and teach, among other connections. ...

72 What is a good question?

11 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

A good question increases your chance to get good answers. How you think about a good question and its answer is different in the heat of conflict tha...

71 Do you have a mediator's mindset?

08 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Having a mediator's mindset is a valuable skill in any job, not only in the job officially known as mediation. Conflict management is hard and a ...

70 Three steps to being a better listener, (even when you're upset in the heat of conflict)

04 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

You already have conflict competencies like good listening. But do you use your best listening skill in the heat of conflict? Here are three steps to ...

69 How to build trust in yourself

01 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Perhaps you've taken the course on how to have have difficult conversations. You know how to do it. But now, in real life, do you trust yourself ...

68 where did your conflict mental map come from?

29 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Everyone has at least one conflict mental map; a picture in your mind about how you believe conflict should be conducted, and what you expect of those...

67 Is trust a necessary ingredient for managing your conflicts?

25 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

"Trust exists in relationships in different types and amounts. Maybe your friendships have a comfortable, lasting trust between intimates. Or, ma...

66 How your self-beliefs grow your conflict competence

21 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

What you tell yourself about your conflict competencies is what you believe is true. Are you telling yourself information that will grow your skills? ...

65 What life experiences inform your conflict competencies?

18 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Everyone experiences conflict, and has ways of dealing with it but some ways are better than others for improving the quality of your relationships. I...

64 How is self awareness a conflict competency?

14 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

"Know thyself!" comes to us as philosophical wisdom from antiquity. Self awareness is a conflict competency that increases your adaptability...

63 Is your frame big enough to picture your whole conflict?

11 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Everyone has a view of how the world should work according to themselves. Your view is a frame that your holds, among other things, your beliefs, conc...

62 what's in a name? Quite a lot when it's a conflict

07 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

You have habits, everyone does. Habits are patterns of how you behave. Once you recognize how you usually or often react in a conflict you have identi...

61 how to use opportunities to change your conflict

04 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Conflicts unfold over time to become patterns. We discuss the many opportunities to manage, shift, change and reframe conflict patterns. When you chan...

60 How do you show curiosity without sounding judgmental?

30 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Does your attachment to your point of view make your good questions sound like judgments? Here are four steps to showing that your curiosity comes fro...

59 How do conflict competencies affect politics?

27 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

It's election 2025 tomorrow in Canada, and we discuss conflict competence as a skill in every interaction, as well as necessary for democracy, el...

58 What does it mean to ask "good questions"

24 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Defaulting to curiosity rather than judgement is conflict competent. But, what if that curious question still sounds judgemental? We show you how to a...

57 What conflict competencies help overcome biased thinking?

20 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

A bias can make decisions easier. You don't have to think hard if you already know your bias for herbal tea and against caffeinated tea. But when...

56 What's the disconnect between your intention and the impact?

17 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Have you made a comment that you intended as helpful and been criticized rather than thanked? Depending on how you respond in the situation, the cycle...

55 How do you express vulnerability in your conflicts?

13 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

You have choices about how and when you let the person you're in conflict with know that you're feeling vulnerable. Since your sense of your...

54 What's on your conflict mental map?

09 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Everyone has a mental map of what conflict does or should look like, how it unfolds, and your ideal ending. Not everything on your conflict mental map...

53 How shame impacts your conflict competence

06 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Feeling shame doesn't leave you much room for dealing with conflict. Shame fills a lot of space, crowding out empathy and perspective taking. How...

52 When conflict competence doesn't 'work' for you

03 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Have you taken a conflict course and then not used what you learned? Here's what you're missing when you have the knowledge and don't u...

51 Four benefits of doing the work to be more conflict competent

30 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Maya Angelou said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you m...

50 What you miss when you respond the same to every conflict

27 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

You may be comfortable avoiding conflict, which is one of the many responses available to you in conflicts. Avoiding would be your pattern and it can ...

49 What to do with conflicts stuck in past experiences, present anxieties, or future fears

23 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

The words people use can provide insights into what keeps a conflict going. It's a conflict competency to notice the past, present or future tens...

48 The difference between presenting issues and real issues in conflict

20 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Perhaps you know how to say what you want as an 'I message' rather than a 'you message' to avoid antagonizing the other person. I ...

47 Train your brain for conflict competence

16 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Your brain uses your senses to collect data, interpret the information, make a risk assessment, and report to you at the speed of thought. Your brain ...

46 How to decide whether to engage in, ignore or avoid conflict

13 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Your values and many other factors influence your decision to engage with conflict, how you engage, or if you won't engage. You have more choices...

45 How empathy mapping builds conflict competence

09 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

When you understand another person, conversations can flow. Perhaps you've heard the expression: 'meet people where they are' and wonde...

44 How to fix talking past each other

06 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Some conversations just miss; you aren't on the same wavelength, no one seems to listen, and you feel verbally attacked. There are two conflict c...

43 What conflict competent tools deal with bullies?

02 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Bullies exert power over someone, perhaps to achieve a goal, and perhaps that goal is simple intimidation for selfish rewards. The bully's target...

42 How assumptions, beliefs and intentions interact in conflicts

26 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Intentions are invisible. We predict and assume what someone intends, and then act as if what we believe is true. Game on for conflict. There are conf...

41 How to be conflict competent when provoked

23 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

There are many common statements that trigger conflict. We give strategies for how you can respond when someone pushes your buttons.Send us a text. We...

40 Are any ghosts haunting your conflict?

20 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

If someone is trying to insert themselves into your conflict, they're like a conflict ghost. They aren't parties to the conflict, but they w...

39 Why you might be reluctant to apologize

16 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Is there a downside to apologizing? What if your apology isn't accepted? We discuss the conflict competence you gain when you take a chance to of...

38 What's more effective than calling out someone you disagree with?

13 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

It's fast and easy to call out someone for an opinion or action, but is it effective? There are more conflict competent and effective steps than ...

37 What if you are given an "either this or that" forced choice?

09 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Sometimes only two options exist, and neither is ideal. Sometimes, you can expand your choices. If you want better options, can you make the options b...

36 How do gossip and conflict relate to each other?

06 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Gossip may never interact with conflict, or it may cause it conflict and conflict may cause gossip. What are conflict competent responses when conflic...

35 What are the goals of a Conflict Owner's Manual?

02 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

A listener asks about Conflict Owner's Manual goals, and we answer with goals, definitions, examples, personal stories and more about conflict co...

34 Can you trust your judgment in the uncertainty of conflict?

30 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Being in a conflict can make you doubt yourself. Conflicts thrive in that uncertainty. Here are 3 tips for trusting your own conflict competence, beca...

33 When who is to blame becomes the conflict

26 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Conflicts often start about one thing and spiral into blaming, with brittle words like "you always" and "you never" and "but ...

32 Three conflict competencies from Matthew Bellas

23 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Some people are so gifted at getting along that it's a pleasure to know them. Matthew Bellas was one of the those special people. Deborah gives t...

31 Is conflict competence a "soft" skill

20 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Conflict competence is on almost every top ten list for success at work, for relationships and in life. Is conflict competence a hard skill, a soft sk...

30 What is the role of context in conflict?

16 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

When conflict happens, it may look like a simple, one or two issue problem between two or three people. Often, there's more going on than appears...

29 When conflicts outgrow their original boundaries

12 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Some conflict start small, like you helpfully mention that someone didn't wash a dish, and whoa, it blows into a contest over who never cleans up...

28 What's the problem with agreeing to disagree?

08 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

When persuasion and arguing haven't helped heal a disagreement, you might "agree to disagree" and change the subject. Is there a downsi...

27 Are pessimists more conflict competent than optimists?

05 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Both pessimism and optimism have strengths and weaknesses in conflict. There's power in pessimism and value in optimism for the conflict competen...

26 Is aggression a conflict competency?

02 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

It's tempting to be aggressive to achieve the conflict outcome you prefer. Deborah demonstrates that there are other approaches that are more lik...

25 Are your conflicts complex, uncertain and heavy with variables?

29 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

As much as people in conflict want to know the consequences of their decisions before they decide, the answer to most conflict questions is: it depend...

24 Who is correct when opinions differ? This simple exercise helps you know.

26 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Sometimes, when people quarrel about whose opinion is correct and who is wrong, I use a simple easy demonstration. Afterwards, they still might not ag...

23 What should you do when the other person's opinion is 'wrong'

23 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Conflicts over disagreeable opinions get personal so fast, and, too often, they get insulting. How can you hold such a wrong opinion, you may ask them...

22 Three ways to change your conflict pattern

19 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Conflicts follow patterns. Changing your conflict patterns improves your conflict competence. Here are three different approaches to changing your con...

21 If you dread the family dinner, try these for fun

15 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Close friends and family members can trigger your heated reactions even when you like or love each other. They think they know you even when you'...

20 How to turn conversation competence into conflict competence

12 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Conflict overwhelms your calm conversational skills that connect you to the other person. So, how do you stay in touch with your calm conversational c...

19 Whose permission do you need to be conflict competent?

08 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

It's great to have norms, manners, policy and structure that foster healthy relationships. But - if those aren't supporting your efforts, yo...

18 How to lower the heat with your conflict script

05 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Change your conflict script; change your conflict. Here's a creative way to rewrite your conflict script to skip the conflict part of the script....

17 Are disappointed expectations causing your conflicts?

01 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

When you expect something and it doesn't happen, who's to blame? What better ways are there to have your expectations met to your satisfacti...

16 Does bias influence your decision making in conflict?

28 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Conflict drops a lot of decisions on you, and there's no perfect decision that guarantees the outcome you prefer. Your decisions in conflict depe...