W asks B & M some grade A "Q"s. DOOM: The Dark Ages, coming May 15th. Pre-Order at: beth.games/3WDZI4V Learn more at uber.com/onourway Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the main topic of this episode?
I no see countdown or I miss countdown. I saw countdown. Countdown was right there. Well, you just missed five whole seconds of countdown. Yeah.
man i'm really on it today over the top rage keep this in this is the cold open editors this is the start of the episode don't don't let him off the hook this might be part of it too welcome back to distractible editors you heard him keep it in whatever it was it's so funny everyone will get it i'm the host of today's episode i'm wade joined by mark and bob
That's me staring at you to give you an opening to say things. Oh, hi. Oh, sorry. Okay. Oh, okay. Hello. And they are going to be competing for points in today's episode. If you've never tuned in, this is pretty standard for the kind of shit you're going to see and hear. Sorry, my nose itches professionally, as it should.
Us being ourselves, probably not following the script of whatever events we've got planned. I've got planned as being the host, but it is what it is. You're here, you're bored. Hopefully life gets better for you and hopefully we contribute to that. So you're welcome in advance. We usually start by telling each other about how things are going, small talky type stuff. So we'll do that again today.
How are things going? Mark, you first with words.
Bear!
Cow! You heard it here first. What are we doing, animals? I don't know. There was a bear. Not here. Here. How close? How here? Like visiting? Staying with you? There was a bear.
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Chapter 2: How did Mark handle a bear encounter?
Legitimately, so I was already in bed and Amy goes like, Mark! And I run because it sounded urgent and I get over there and there's a fucking bear. just like out in the yard outside right there oh man that's fun there's a glass door and so it's a fucking bear it's not huge right but it's big it's it's about like it wasn't like a cub it was like a grown bear It seemed like an adolescent bear.
A White Sox? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a bear. So it was like about... So you remember Lucy? The bear? Lucy, my mom's... Yeah, Lucy the bear. Oh, the dog. Yeah, okay. So about that size. So Great Pyrenees size. Definitely bigger than Chica. And apparently, and I checked the security cameras, Chica had been sleeping in her bed, which is right by the glass door there.
And the bear had come up and just was like at the window staring at her. And then you see her head go.
And they just stare for a while.
And the bear like paused the glass, like right on the glass. So Chica gets up, wags. Then Henry comes over, looks over at the bear. And they're both just like nose to nose on the glass. No barking, no nothing. And then Amy sees, obviously, and is like a bear. And I run in and I'm like, hey, get out of here, bear. Get out of here. Just like that.
Hey, you better leave. You are trespassing. I will call the police.
Well, actually, so the bear went around and then we heard rustling in our trash cans and I go like, oh, no. So I get a stick and I go outside and I just start whacking the stick on the ground trying to make noise. And that scared it off for a second. I went back in. It came back to the trash cans. And then I just went out there and I started chucking a cardboard box at it. And that scared it.
And then it just went off. It was a bear. I've never seen a bear in person outside of a zoo or anything like that. It was a bear.
You just had to find a way to face down the bear face-to-face in person, huh? My options? Stick, cardboard box. That'll do it. Yeah, why not? I'm not going to get my boar spear and go kill the bear.
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Chapter 3: Why does Wade feel like a fake woodworker?
I think they stand up on their back legs, put their paws like this, and just start pissing straight up.
I thought they used trees it's like to imagine like a bear like they're hung over they go up to a tree and they're just like oh god they actually came to Mark's door because they were out of toilet paper they wanted some Charmin oh you guys had the Charmin bears in your yard I see I see I wish we just had cocaine bear so sad we know Smokey's not in California is that a bad joke to make that's probably a bad joke to make what was the joke
because there's fires in california is that he's the only you could prevent forest fires and you all had fires recently and you know i'll take away yeah take a point away i don't make up for it you know what you did you see my pen oh is someone not prepared Someone not doing their hostly duties? Right here. Well, I... Look, is it too early for me to already say that I'm just a fake woodworker?
I had this conversation about being a car guy where I was like, oh, I got my cool car, and then I felt fake about it. It's been busy. It's been busy. We had guests over the weekend and lots of other excuses. I haven't actually done any work in the garage, like woodwork stuff, in a couple weeks at this point.
But because I've been so diligent and working so hard, I bought another saw off Fake Poison Marketplace. So, you know. Nice. Are you saws like Mark's lensing? I say you're even more of a woodworker. I mean, these are, these are, I bought the other kind of saw that you need. So the first one I got was a miter saw, which is the one where you pull it down and this one is a table saw.
It's small and I'm going to, so I can hang it up on the wall of the garage out of the way. It's like a,
job site table saw but if this is what you need to like rip long things into long sticks of whatever width you so choose right it's a different type of saw so you kind of need a table saw for a lot of stuff you're going to want to do also you could do cross cuts on it and it came with a miter gauge so i could do other kinds of mitered cuts and I'm a real woodworker.
I just don't ever touch wood or screw anything together or do anything like that. But I'm a real woodworker boy. That's my idea. It's real. I want you to know your point for this is I got a 2x4 and the only prescription is more Sawbell. Oh, because of the... Don't know why, but it's what I thought of. That's why I wrote it down. Yeah. I'm really funny. Sometimes.
Watching you guys look more depressed after each joke is kind of not what I'm going for today.
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Chapter 4: What emotional impact did The Last of Us have on Wade?
Just let me think. Bob, I guess you have plenty of time to think of your answer. I already had my answer immediately, so I'm ready and locked and loaded. I'm just enjoying this. You need a prompt, Mark, to come up with longer form answers so he doesn't feel so punished. I got it.
That's a bad idea.
That's the point. It's a bad idea.
Ah, but it's not clever. It's too obvious. It's too obvious. I need to be more cerebral.
Don't worry, I've got the obvious one. Alright, good.
A lot of answers you can give.
Yeah, but there's a... I'm trying to get the points here.
I'm just not joking.
Poop shoveler. McDonald's.
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Chapter 5: What is the worst job to bring your kid to work to?
No, to be caught. No, he's right. To be caught naked. That's exactly right. That's the correct answer.
I can't even be mad about it. You agree? I mean, I'll come up with my own answer, but I think Mark is very on point with that one. One of us does. I definitely would not want to be caught naked in Wade's house. Why? What's wrong with being naked in my house? Well, being covertly naked in your house was really fun, but if I had been caught, there would have been some splinging to do, I assume.
I mean, yeah, that's fair. I guess it also depends on where you were, but... Or what my cheeks had been on. I mean, caught naked, I didn't mean, like, captured, just like people see you naked.
Yeah, well, I didn't want you to catch me, so... Well, then, yeah, the shower makes a perfect answer. It perfectly makes sense.
But like, if you're just naked in your bedroom, that's okay. Like, then it's okay to be caught naked. It's less weird for someone to be in your bedroom and you're naked than for someone to be in the bathroom with you while you're showering and you're naked.
There's a skylight in my bathroom and occasionally I do, um, I look up and I'm like, someone better not be peering over, you know, looking down at me.
I do check it. Elon's like, my heart goes on for you. It's a pun. Is it? Anyway, it's fine. Okay, forget being caught. What's the place you'd least like to be naked? Space. Ah, I was going to say the moon. That would be worse because then you get all the moon dust in your crack. Fiberglass factory. Real life laser maze.
You really want some kind of skin tight thing to hold all your bits tight so you don't get, you know, lasered. Floppy joes. I don't know what that is, but I like the word. Is that a place? I don't know. I'm taking another point away.
that's fair he's going into the negative today i'm already negative too wade's angling to get the bonus point for lost most points in this episode i will win today's episode somehow bob i think you're first this time which disney villain has the coolest hair i mean it's got to be hades from hercules oh damn that's such a good it's just actually blue fire like that's sick that was the answer i could think of a couple other ones that is that's that's a great answer
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Chapter 6: What would be your final words to your killer?
If companies would start making round bags for them to put the pizzas in to stay warm, then the box companies would have to make round boxes.
But the companies make square bags. So what are you going to do? Can't put a round box in a square bag. That's like putting a round pizza in a square box.
But if everything goes in the square hole, why can't the round box go in the square bag? A bag is not a hole. A bag is a container. Don't you dare equate those two things. What if you cut the bottom of the bag out? Then it's just a hole. That's called the tube. We've talked about this. Damn it. That's just a pre-cannoli. I knew it was going to... Damn it.
Well, if you knew it, why'd you ask in the first place? Because I wanted to get there. The real answer that's very boring is I'm not going to say it. Oh, I'll say it. It wasn't.
Lobbyists for Big Square. That square lobby bullshit is why that's a thing, and that's the only reason.
You know, super PACs, well, they made super squares, and it's just a way for them to funnel more money into the square hole.
Square.
We're on, I was going to say mobile. Is it mobile? Exxon Mobile? That's a company, yes. I hear mobile now. I just think mobile games are like a phone. But it's gas. But it's not on your phone. But it's still mobile. Because it moves. I was thinking of another point. Mark, you have to retake your test for your driver's license. Which part will you struggle with? Written and driving.
You have to do both. Oh, man. What would you struggle with if you had to retake your driver's test?
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Chapter 7: Which Disney villain has the coolest hair?
So it was a good, if you needed to get through around the neighborhood, people would just blast down that thing at like 45 miles an hour. And like my senior year of high school, they narrowed that road a whole bunch and then put a bunch of roundabouts in it.
Man, I saw several instances of someone who was just like, oh, I'll take this shortcut and just straight ahead, like twice the speed limit and ramped off of the roundabouts because they weren't like hard curb roundabouts. They were like gentle and like literally, you know, soccer moms driving big suburbans or whatever would just like. Didn't stop. Didn't seem to hurt the car or anything.
I'm sure coffee went everywhere or whatever, but that's fun to watch from outside. I'm sure nothing bad's ever happened because of that. Might be fun to be in the back if you live. Yeah, as long as everyone's fine, I'm sure it's great. School buses on Roundabout? I don't know. Bob, what would you struggle with if you had to retake your driver's test?
I would be fine on the written part, and I would be fine on the driving part, but they would... give me so much shit for how bad my vision is.
They make you do the peripheral vision tests and they make you do the reading tests and they make you do it without your glasses no matter how much you tell them that you don't do anything without your glasses because you can't see shit and then they're like, ooh, are you legally blind? Are you allowed to drive? And I'm like, no, I'm not blind. I wear glasses. Look, I'll put my glasses on.
It'll be fine. They always give me a hard time about that and I hate it. I'm really bad at it. I would struggle.
i actually haven't gone to update my driver's license since i got my eyes fixed so i have on my license still needs corrective lenses but i don't need them anymore i wouldn't struggle with that you're gonna get in trouble they're gonna be mad at you my lenses are corrected good thing the police have their uh their four optors and stuff with them so when they pull you over they'll be like better one two it looks like you are seeing 2020.
Look into the eye, Eliza.
I'm going to need to give you a field vision test. Look into this and blow. I mean, just look into this.
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Chapter 8: What driving test challenges might Mark face?
It would have to be a kick in the nuts. What are you saying?
Why are you buying a kick in the nuts?
You didn't say it would have to be a thing that I would buy.
That's true. You said it's a thing that I'm buying for some reason. I would not want the free one. I would see if I could just get the one and not get the deal, but you buy one, you get one free. For some reason, what I thought of was a divorce. Does it reverse it? Is it like a double negative? Well, depending on who you are as a person, that might just be a good savings.
If you know you're going to do it again, just get one for free and bank that. I guess that's true. I had testicular cancer in one nut, and I paid for it, and they took the other one for free. So you're saying the nutectomy. Yeah, the nutectomy. Oh, Bob, you got another? A fish sandwich from Long John Silver's.
Okay, hold on now.
I will not accept Long John Silver's slander here. Yeah, I like their fish and fry. Now, granted, their fries, they change their fries to potatoes. Yeah, I didn't think they were potatoes before, you're right. No, the waffles.
Well, you don't get the fries anyway, you get the hush puppies.
Those puppies are good too, but their waffle fries are not as good to me as their original fries. And you get a lot less. They hardly give you any fries now. Their discount, I forget if it was Tuesday or Thursday, but their Baja fish taco deal got me through. Between that and McDonald's dollar menu got me through college like this. I would rather eat White Castle than Long John Silver.
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