Why Do Women Start Arguments? w/ Harland Williams | First Date with Lauren Compton
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What makes Harland Williams return for a third date on First Date?
I saw a t-shirt the other day. Every time I see a straw now, I think of this t-shirt.
How did Harland’s $22.99 hair‑sniffing event come about?
And it's turtles doing cocaine. And they're using straws.
Why do some girlfriends start fights over seemingly small things?
Yeah.
How did Harland meet his ex‑girlfriend at a comedy club?
And it says, maybe the turtles needed the straws.
Oh, yeah.
And it's...
Yeah, yeah.
What happened during the infamous five‑hour hot‑dog argument?
Yeah, turtles are really bad with drugs.
How did a mock charge from a 500‑pound silverback in Rwanda unfold?
I have two Galapagos tortoises that live in the alley behind my apartment.
Why does Harland want to die “like a man” after his African adventure?
Do you really?
Where can listeners find more about Harland Williams and his projects?
Yeah, and they're out there. They like do the full-on needles.
They're just meth heads.
You know, they're injecting. I think they're doing heroin.
Oh, meth, you snort. I'm so out of the loop with drugs.
What about turtles?
It seems like they're more on the up and up than I am. I bet they move faster.
No, but are you out of the loop with turtles?
Oh, no.
And tortoises?
I know what a Galapagos is.
What?
It's a big turtle that lives forever and ever, right?
No.
I know. I was testing you.
I just said it's a tortoise.
Oh, I don't
know the difference. You don't? No. Do you want to?
Let's get this show started, and then we'll talk about turtles. Okay.
I'm so excited to see you tonight. First date, baby
Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of First Date. Back today, my guest is here for his third date, so you know I love him. You can hear his podcast, The Harlan Highway, or you can go see him on tour. Check out his website, harlanwilliams.com. Give it up for Harlan Williams.
Give it up. Give up your children. Give up your children. Give up your home. Give up your car. I'll take anything.
Your hair looks great.
Doesn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did the hair plug thing. No,
you didn't.
Yeah, Pakistan. No,
you didn't.
What do you mean?
Did you really?
Oh, yeah. Run your fingers through
it. It looks so good.
Yeah, those Pakistanis know how to do a wig. I mean, he's unbelievable.
That's your real hair.
Yeah, it's my real hair. I can
tell.
Really? Yeah. You know what? Next time I'm going to put some tandoori in it, and then that might sell the whole Pakistani, even though that's Indian food. I'm going to mix cultures to get away with a hair fallacy.
Okay.
Not to be confused with a hair follicle-y.
Right.
Isn't it funny how fallacy and follicle sound so similar? Well, let's be clear.
When I said I liked your hair, I meant the style, right?
Oh, yeah, but not the color or the texture or the smell.
I actually liked all of those things as well.
I didn't
smell your hair, so I can't verify that.
Yeah.
But I like the style.
Well, look, I know we want to get into the show. It looks like you
go fast
down the highway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drove here in a convertible topless. I was flashing truck drivers. That's how
it looks, but it looks great.
Yeah, well, as far as the smell of my hair, and I know we got to get to the show, but tonight at 1 a.m., I'm doing, you know, artists do a showing of their works. I'm doing a smelling.
Of your hair?
Yeah, and it's called a sniffing, and people can come in. It's $22.99 each. It's like kind of, you know when you line up to see Santa Claus with your kids?
Right, and take a photo.
Right, so people will line up, $22.99, they get three deep sniffs. and one quick whiff. Yeah, so it's like breathe, breathe, and then the last one, and then just a quick whiff. It's like smelling a silent fart in a movie theater. You know what I'm talking about, like a popcorn fart.
Yeah.
Yeah. So if you want to come by, if you have $22.99 kicking around in your purse with your birth control pills and your tampons and your poetry and your lifesavers and your onion butter or whatever you got in there. You just
described a soccer mom.
Yeah, I sure did.
Yeah.
You know what I love about soccer moms? What? They're fun to kick.
Why? You're not supposed to kick the moms.
Well, they're soccer moms.
Oh, I see what you're doing there. Okay. Say, so the last, say.
Say so, say it isn't so.
What is the era where they're like, say.
Isn't that an old poem? I
haven't seen you in forever.
Hey there, sugar pumpkin. Yeah. I haven't seen you since the cinnamon fell off the raspberry tree. How you been, you old chipmunk? I noticed your teeth are growing longer and you've been chewing through drywall. What the... What in the name of Morgan Freeman's cellulite are we talking about?
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What makes Harland Williams return for a third date on First Date?
0:00–0:04
2
How did Harland’s $22.99 hair‑sniffing event come about?
0:04–0:09
3
Why do some girlfriends start fights over seemingly small things?
0:09–0:09
4
How did Harland meet his ex‑girlfriend at a comedy club?
0:09–0:18
5
What happened during the infamous five‑hour hot‑dog argument?
0:18–0:21
6
How did a mock charge from a 500‑pound silverback in Rwanda unfold?
0:21–0:27
7
Why does Harland want to die “like a man” after his African adventure?
0:27–0:28
8
Where can listeners find more about Harland Williams and his projects?
0:28–55:28
Speakers
1 identifiedMore from First Date with Lauren Compton
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