Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade
Bert Kreischer (IN STUDIO): Drinking Beers & Hacking Comedy
29 Jan 2026
Chapter 1: What unique diet strategies does Dana share?
I'm trying to live in the 140s, don't be mad. So what I do is... 140s?
I text her 140. My dad would, when I was a kid, anytime he ever saw two dudes together, he'd go, look at this dude, gay guys. And then one day, I go, do you think they're saying that about us? And he goes, oh God, I hope not. You find out that a lot of your friends... They like you where you are. They like you where you are!
Yeah.
Let's not get crazy. This is the third time I've texted you. I swear to God, if you don't reply, I'm going to come to your house, inject AIDS into you, and light your house on fire, and kill your f***ing children. The next test. My bad. That was for my sister.
All right, Dana, we had Bert Kreischer on, I think on again, right? He's been on before.
It was our second time. We did it a couple months ago, and we did it in the studio where you're sitting for a while.
Oh, yeah. Up close and personal. We all took our shirts off as an homage. No, I didn't. I was requested to keep mine on by America.
yeah my shirt off and you looked over and it i don't want to talk out of school but you did faint
Is that why I fainted? Oh, yeah.
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Chapter 2: How can you drink like Bert without feeling terrible the next day?
You name it. Are we recording? Always recording productions. You're a cocktail of Mr. Chrysler.
Take my BPC-157 before I go to bed.
What's that one?
I'm on Monjaro. I'm on testosterone. I'm on metformin. I'm on everything.
Oh, good. Monjaro.
Monjaro.
Not Zep-bound?
I think that's what it is, right? I don't know. It's like the Tri-Zepatide.
Is it like the commercial?
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Chapter 3: What job security tactics did young Bert Kreischer use in comedy clubs?
A lot of whispers. Dennis Miller used to call it... cash register because he goes, Spudly, I'm getting a fucking cash register here. I got NCR-itis.
I got spilkus in my milkus.
So we can't be, but Dana's always been pretty straight.
But it's all calculated. I, for a small frame, 128 in high school. You know, I was 165. So what I started to do because I'd never weighed myself and I did Blue Thunder with James Farentino, look it up. First time around catering for six months.
Is that a boner pill?
Yes.
I bought that at 7-Eleven. Throw in joke, go ahead. This is good. This is why we work.
I'm gonna tell a story. No, but anyway, so then I gained 20 pounds. So after that, I just weigh myself every day.
Yeah, that's the key. You gotta weigh yourself every day.
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Chapter 4: What are Bert's essential rules for recording a comedy special?
What are we doing? But if I'm on the road, I won't have my first drink until like 9.30 because that's when I'm done. And if I'm doing theaters and you do two a night, I won't drink until 12.30.
Do you do two shows a night?
If I do a theater, yeah.
Fuck. Yeah. That's big money, but God. That's big money. I couldn't do it.
Okay, I want to give you one little last health thing and we can move on to your career and stuff. The solution to pollution is dilution.
Whoa.
Are you talking about water? Yeah. So if you're going to drink, so before you start drinking, before you crack that first beer or whatever for sunset, you have 16 ounces of water. It's all diluted. All your organs, liver, kidneys, yeah, before and then during. Throw a party. The effects of alcohol will be diluted and the taxing that's on your body. So the solution to pollution is dilution.
So water, water, water.
That should be a fucking shirt. What I do is I take, I wish I had a picture of it. I take liquid deaths and I put them all on my headboard. I line my whole headboard up with liquid deaths. And then right before I go to bed, I murder four.
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Chapter 5: How does Bert define 'hacking' comedy?
The last day of shooting, our director, we're like, hey, did you like the hotel? And he's like, yeah.
Yeah.
But there's this guy in the middle of the night just moving furniture or chains.
Oh my God.
And it was you. I go, what room are you in? He goes, 311. I go, I'm in 411. I go, can I show you what I do? And I brought him up to my room. The floor is covered in cans. And he's like, I couldn't sleep all fucking month.
Oh, my God. So the next night, you're like, oh, this could be so great. Like 2001, the ape throws the phone. Oh, my friend. Fuck. So you didn't need my little solution to... Oh, no, but I love... I'm a big...
Proponent I didn't start drinking water. This sounds crazy. And I know that sounds like a plug for liquid death I didn't start drinking water until liquid death because of the delivery system, right? Everything's about delivery systems in life like even comedy these days the delivery system I think because comedy got so broad and so so popular because the delivery system got so accessible and
Meaning, you know, like the delivery system for nicotine was cigarettes for so long or chewing tobacco. And it turned people off because it was gross. The second it turned into Zins, everyone's like, chicks are doing it.
Something's cool, yeah.
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Chapter 6: What surprising connection does Bert reveal about his dad and Pete Davidson?
By the way, is Instagram turning into the new Facebook? That's what I'm worried about because Facebook is for old people. I guess we're old, but not you. We're the same age. Are we? Yeah, 53. Oh, okay.
I was thinking about driving over. I go, I kind of grew up with you. Like, I grew up with you, but you're like younger than my dad. You're like an older, older brother. Right. Yeah, no, I'm, yeah, probably. You're 70, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but I grew up with you. But you know how old he is? He's got to be 53. Yeah, 53.
Yeah, he's 53.
How old's Segura? I don't know, like 49, 47. He looks older than me. That's pretty good, man. This guy's happy right now.
Why can't you stop smiling?
Because I'm 54. Your new nickname is 53. Look at that fucking watch, by the way. Is it a Rollie? Yeah. So you're like, you know, swatches are coming back though.
I don't like to flaunt. Do you have security with that watch in LA?
So I'm going to be very honest.
Good.
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Chapter 7: What insights does Bert share about the evolution of comedy in the digital age?
And they were telling stories about buying each other Rolexes for gifts. And I was like, I don't have a fucking Rolex. And I was like, I should get a Rolex. I got to act like a grown up. So I got my first Rolex and I loved it. I loved it. I would look at it. It was a Submariner. I got it in Vegas. And I would look at it and it would cheer me up. And then I became a little bit of a watch guy.
But I'm also not because I only buy Rolexes.
so i don't know anything about watches but you're kind of tan you get you got a good arm thick arm big watch i think that's cooler i think than a little uh like there's different ways i think the way people always want to show a little money when when the basketball players walk in or the football players walk in the beginning and it used to be just through the tunnel but now it's a full fashion show and they have like a little purse and they have like a skirt on yeah you go what happened
What's going on?
Do you remember when they were like, they were dressing up almost like gay guys? Do you remember Dwayne Wade would dress like a gay guy?
Like he was like tight, tight pants like this and you're like. I know, but I don't know. I think they were just dressing.
I guess technically I'm dressed like a gay guy. I'm sure there's a gay guy wearing what I'm wearing. My dad used to say that when I'm.
No, you're a guy acting like you're not gay.
You're like, look, I look like Bert Kreischer. My dad, when I was a kid, anytime he ever saw two dudes together, he'd go, look at these two gay guys. And then one day, I go, do you think they're saying that about us? And he goes... Oh God, I hope not.
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Chapter 8: How does Bert view his role in the comedy industry today?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I do a European tour. I'll do one for this tour for Permission to Party. We do London, all of the UK, Ireland, like Ireland's the craziest.
Got it.
With the Guinness and the drinking. I mean, I think it's the O2 Arena is what it's called. It's not the same thing.
In Dublin? In Dublin. Their version of the O2? Yeah.
And they ran the show. The Irish ran the show. Like I got on stage with a Guinness and I held it up in the air. And they start going, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole. And so I would start to drink and they go, ah. And then I'd be in the middle of a joke and then you hear, ah. Olé, olé, olé, olé, and another big one.
They, I got wasted on stage, and they are the ones who basically orchestrated the show. It was, now, same show, Tom Segura goes, and was livid.
Oh, yeah. When I was there, they were going, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay. I'm like, me? Yeah, you're the only guy up there, dude.
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