Good Children

We Want A Trader Joe's Theme Park

07 Jan 2026

Contributed by Lukas

The boys are back with an episode that will change everything... for Trader Joe's corprate. This week we're discussing  This week Andrew takes a tou...

Escaping The Khia Asylum

24 Dec 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Happy New Year! This week Andrew takes a tour of the Khia Asylum before the boys head into a deep dive of their past year: from Uber Wrapped to Spotif...

A Day In The Life of Mrs. Claus

17 Dec 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today, Marie Claus sits down with top elf, Elphie, for a candid conversation about the state of the North Pole, Santa's recent medical crisis, the ori...

Hannah Solow on Oh, Mary!, Facing Rejection, and Being A Perfect Child

10 Dec 2025

Contributed by Lukas

A meeting of the minds for the ages. This week, we sit down with our new friend, Hannah Solow, to talk about her experience on Oh, Mary!, her childhoo...

Cat Cohen Made It To Hollywood

03 Dec 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we sit down with our friend, movie star, Cat Cohen, to discuss her childhood in Texas, the early days of podcasting, and what it takes to b...

Thanksgiving Has Got To Go

26 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Sit down with Siobhan the Pilgrim and Alan the Turkey for an intense conversation about the worst holiday on the year. Join us on Patreon! No fi...

Plasma Was Always Going To Be A Star

19 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we sit down with actor, singer and Drag Race alum, Plasma, to discuss every memory that led up to her debut album: Is Miss Thing On? Joi...

Ranking Cold Cuts

12 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we're doing the work by discussing our favorite and least favorite lunch meats. Join us on Patreon! No filter. No notes. No pants (optional)...

Ashnikko Does It For Her Inner Child

05 Nov 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we're joined by pop sensation Ashnikko to discuss all things bathhouses, childhood trauma, and her latest album "Smoochies."  Join us on P...

How To Spend Your Last Day On Earth

29 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Join us on a journey through time and space as we imagine the best days of our lives. For Joe, that means trading spaces with Steve Martin at Wi Spa a...

HalloweenTown Reunion Special II: Kalabar's Revenge

22 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, HallowenTown's oldest witch, and criminal at large, Agatha Cromwell, sits down with her granddaughter Marnie Piper for another attempt at h...

Does Your Halloween Party Suck?

15 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we're talking about Halloween parties. Specifically how to improve your party with a few simple tips from Iron Chef Andrew Muscarella. Plus:...

The Definitive Ranking of Halloween Candy

08 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

It's basically Halloween. Join Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompa and Violet Beauregarde on a journey through time and space as they discuss their favorite ha...

I Got Catfished 9 Times

01 Oct 2025

Contributed by Lukas

How can one man be catfished nine times? This week we unpack Andrew's relationship to... trust?  HOSTS: Joe Hegyes & Andrew Muscarella EDITOR: ...

Straight Guys, Butt Stuff, and Other Questions You Asked

24 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we're answering YOUR questions. Good Children, please report to the guidance office.  Join us on Patreon! No filter. No notes. No pants ...

Celibacy, First Times, and Being Late Bloomers

10 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we’re discussing being celibate. For us, that means our entire lives up until about 23 years old. It also means the first year of this po...

The Early Days of Instagram

03 Sep 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Groufits, BuzzFeed, Facetune, EDs... This week, we go back in time through our Instagram archives to get to the bottom of who we've been pretending t...

Taylor and Travis: The Engagement Episode

27 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

BREAKING NEWS: Taylor Swift is engaged to Travis Kelce. In this emergency episode, we discuss their future wedding, our thoughts on marriage, and more...

The Rules of Open Relationships

20 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, the boys break down the phenomena of open relationships. Who sets the rules? Who gets to play? Do you tell your partner about your hookups...

The Death of Body Positivity

13 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

*TW: This week's episode touches on some very real themes surrounding body dysmorphia and  weight loss drugs.* Today we're breaking down our ever-cha...

How It Feels to Fall for a Boy for the First Time

06 Aug 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Did someone order an episode of Love, Victor? This week, we’re talking our first gay romances. Joe met a boy at the Met and spent the summer in muse...

Going to Poundtown at the Beach

30 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Good Children: The Podcast is known for its fearless, unflinching commitment to investigative journalism. This week, we take on the most urgent questi...

Sitting, Scooping, and Sucking: Bathroom Politics

23 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Good Children: The Podcast continues its brave, Pulitzer-adjacent coverage of the issues that matter. This week, we investigate the modern bathroom: a...

Bagels: A Definitive Ranking

16 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Good Children: The Podcast prides itself on award-winning journalism that isn't afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions that might make other comedi...

Early Signs of Daddy Puberty

09 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we’re talking Daddy Puberty: the slow, confusing transformation from boy to twink to… Daddy. Is it a mindset? A muscle mass threshold? ...

Escaping The Fire Island Hookup Forest

02 Jul 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we embed ourselves deep inside the myth, the legend, the cautionary tale that is Fire Island. Our mission? To uncover the truth behind the ...

From The Archive: Who Drank At My 17th Birthday Party?

25 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

ONE WEEK UNTIL WE'RE BACK WITH NEW EPISODES! Thanks for your patience

From The Archive: Bear in the Woods (S4E7)

19 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Thank you for your patience as we plan our next season, we'll be back shortly with brand new episodes starting in July! (Happy Pride Month, am I right...

From The Archive: Bears In The Woods (S4E7)

18 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Thank you for your patience as we plan our next season, we'll be back shortly with brand new episodes starting in July! (Happy Pride Month, am I right...

From The Archive: Chimes and Punishment (S4E10)

11 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Did you know acapella groups participate in violent hazing rituals? This week we're taking it back to last summer, when Andrew revealed the traumatic ...

From The Archive: HOW TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE (S2E1)

04 Jun 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Throwing it back to when we tried to be an educational podcast: "Let's learn to put ourselves out there together: from using the internet to gain noto...

FROM THE ARCHIVE: You Get To Exhale Now, Totino (S3E21)

28 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today we're taking it back to a particularly vulnerable conversation on sex. P.S.: We're taking a short break! Join the Patreon community for a bran...

FROM THE ARCHIVE: Boys State (S2E25)

21 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Let's travel back to two summers ago when Andrew shared his military camp story with the world for the very first time. P.S.: We're taking a short br...

FROM THE ARCHIVE: Meet You At The Mall (S1E1)

14 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today we're taking it all the way back to our very first episode, back when we were two delusional twinks with a dream and chronic acid reflux. P.S.:...

When Podcasting Works Out

07 May 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today we're celebrating our three year anniversary with a retrospect on all of the historic moments and people we've had the pleasure of experiences i...

I Hate Birthday Parties

30 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

HAPPY 29TH BIRTHDAY TO OUR FEARLESS LEADER: Andrew Thee Muscarella. Today we're talking all things birthday. PLUS: Meet Garrett! Join the Patreon com...

Gays in Spring

23 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we talk about the worst season of all time: spring. Join the Patreon community for a brand new episode every Thursday night: patreon.com ...

An Episode About Sleep

16 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE WEBBY NOMINATED VOTE HERE PLEASE!Grab your PJs. Close your eyes. No seriously—close them. This week, we’re diving under the covers to talk a...

Our Favorite Subject

09 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE WEBBY NOMINATED VOTE HERE PLEASE!This episode is all about something we hold very dear to our hearts. It's long. It’s short. It’s complicate...

The Hunger Games Made Me Not Suicidal

02 Apr 2025

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE WEBBY NOMINATED VOTE HERE PLEASE!This week, for the third time, we are bringing you back to the woods of Long Island, 2012, as Joe and Andrew pa...

Can A Zoo Be Ethical? And Other Moral Debates You Expect From This Podcast

26 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we take a very serious look at zoos as Andrew presses Joe on the ethical boundaries of zookeepers and Joe argues for the proper care and con...

The Midwest Is the Europe of America

19 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we bring you along for the ride of a lifetime as we talk through our most recent set of live shows in the midwest. From a rental car debacle...

You (Might) Have A Phone Addiction

12 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we talk about our very complicated relationship to the internet, dating back to the dawn of social media and all the way up to the present d...

Well, Well, Wellness

05 Mar 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today we tackle wellness culture: from experiments in goop to cauliflower crust ending with some positive affirmations by Pharrell Williams. Join the...

Jon Lovett on Math, Chipotle, & Long Island

26 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today we're joined by Gay Long Island Podcast Royalty: Jon Lovett. From a career in political speechwriting to a stint on Survivor, Jon traces his lif...

The Body Keeps The Score, And, Girl, We’re Getting Our Ass Beat

19 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

LAST CHANCE Tickets for Indianapolis, Chicago, and Madison HERE!! TW: Diet Culture, Body Image, and, girlllll, just some typical self-hating gays. ...

If You’re In Your Darkest Hour: Click On This

12 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we are back on the timeless subject of Valentine’s Day. Joe and Andrew discuss angel food cake, the devil, Instagram flirting tactics, Ha...

The Sick & Twisted Story of A Twink & A Redhead

05 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week we're joined by our IRL besties, Grant Gibbs and Ashley Gill AKA A Twink and a Redhead! We talk about our parallel lives growing up together...

What Cruise Ships Do To The Brain

29 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today we're talking CRUISING!!!!! Specifically the family vacation we took together in 2022 that was anything but smooth sailing. Join the Patreon co...

The Life & Death of Shirley Temple

22 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

This week, get a look behind the Patreon Paywall with a very special episode, where Andrew tells Joe all about the life and death of legendary film s...

Why Ben Platt Performs

15 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Ben Platt joins the boys for an honest conversation about anxiety, aspirations, and The Search for Elle Woods.  Join the Patreon community for a bra...

Why Is Spending The Night So Scary?

08 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Today the boys discuss the timeless hell that is a sleepover.   HOSTS: Joe Hegyes & Andrew Muscarella   EDITOR: Kenzie Edmondson   LISTEN: ...

Getting Naked With Your Best Friend

01 Jan 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Happy Nude Year! After a life-changing three day visit to a Korean Spa in Los Angeles, the boys discuss the complications of being in touch with their...

DO NOT HIRE A GRINCH IMPERSONATOR

24 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Merry Christmas to AWLL! Today Cindy Lou Who and The Grinch work it out on the remix before Joe and Andrew dive into their storied history with The Gr...

Ilana Glazer on Long Island, Weed, Motherhood, & Broad City

18 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Today we're joined by the icon who made this podcast possible: Ilana Glazer. We discuss growing up on Long Island, weed-induced anxiety attacks, mothe...

Why Does Santa Punish Us?

11 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Is it ethical to raise children under the threat of Santa Claus? Today we join Buddy the Elf and Santa Claws himself for a discussion on Santa Claus.....

Are Christmas Carolers Okay?

04 Dec 2024

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE GOING ON TOUR! Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tickets here! Join us on Patreon for a bonus episode every Thursday night! Head to FACTOR...

The Perks of Touching Grass

27 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE GOING ON TOUR! Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tickets here! Join us on Patreon for a bonus episode every Thursday night! 🏕️ GIVEAW...

Thanksgiving When You're Gay and Italian and In Your 20s

20 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE GOING ON TOUR!! Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tickets HERE! Today Joe explains why fish are birds, we discuss Thanksgiving as a concept, ...

Do Gays Need Gay Friends?

13 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE GOING ON TOUR!! Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tickets HERE! For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us ...

Our Friendship Was Over

05 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

An early release for some much needed distraction right about now

The Partying Will Catch Up To You

30 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE GOING ON TOUR!! Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tickets here! For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us o...

Halloween Horror Stories

23 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE GOING ON TOUR!! Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tickets here! For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us o...

Are All Priests Gay? & Sick Days

16 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE GOING ON TOUR!!  Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tickets here: https://linktr.ee/goodchildren!   For a bonus episode every Friday plus ac...

Charli and Troye (also, we're going on tour. check the bio. for real.)

09 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

WE'RE GOING ON TOUR!! PRESALE CODE ON PATREON!Chicago, Indianapolis, & Madison, you're up firstGet your tickets here! For a bonus episode every Frida...

The Halloweentown Reunion

02 Oct 2024

Contributed by Lukas

For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us on Patreon for $7 a month: https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod This ...

The War on Apple Picking

25 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us on Patreon for $7 a month @ goodchildrenpod! We're talking about fall/Gi...

Yasmine Sahid Fan Club

18 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us on Patreon for $7 a month! This week we're joined by the iconic Yasmine ...

Talking About The SATs Again...

11 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us on Patreon for $7 a month! This week we discuss the trials and tribulati...

Operation Green Acres

04 Sep 2024

Contributed by Lukas

For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us on Patreon for $7 a month! This week we take you on a retrospective of s...

Kelon Campbell Radically Accepts Terri Joe

28 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us on Patreon for $7 a month! This week we are joined by the legendary man ...

When Jenny Comes Calling

20 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us on Patreon for $7 a month! This week we talk about the diet culture of t...

Ranking Fruit

14 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get exclusive bonus episodes every Friday for $7 a month on Patreon! Today we just rank some fruit to be honest. Call in for advice or with a questi...

The Bottom of Brooklyn

07 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get exclusive bonus episodes every Friday for $7 a month on Patreon! Another episode about bottoming what else is new? This week we cover some sensit...

Ribs by Lorde

31 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get exclusive bonus episodes every Friday for $7 a month on Patreon. After discovering a new archive of home videos, Joe comes to the crushing realiz...

Food Noise

24 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week is all about our favorite subject: food. We talk foods we love, foods we hate, our last meals, our most recent meals, and, randomly, imposte...

The Riverhead Holiday Inn

17 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get access to BONUS episodes every Friday on Patreon! This week let's talk about weed induced psychosis! The boys share their most unhinged weed stor...

Boman Martinez-Reid is Made For TV

10 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! This week we're joined by TV and social media star, Boman Martinez-Reid AKA Bomanizer, whose new comedy docuser...

Chimes and Punishment

03 Jul 2024

Contributed by Lukas

BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! Take off your shoes and grab the rumplemintz, this week we go back to college to learn more about Andrew’s ac...

Kim Chi Can Do It All

26 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! Use code GOODCHILDREN at RocketRX.com for 20% off your first order! This week we sit down with drag superstar,...

Sympathy is a knife

19 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! It's Charli baby! Inspired by Charli xcx's Brat, this week we try something new: discussing our insecurities! H...

Bears In The Woods

12 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

*LIFE CHANGING EPISODE ALERT* Pack your bags, we're going on a road trip! Join us in the Catskills for a life changing 48 hours in nature. Be cheeky a...

A Dog With The Power To Turn Husbands Gay

05 Jun 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week we take some hard-hitting phone calls from listeners about their LGBTQIA+ experiences. From nonbinary haircuts, surviving in a corporate wor...

The 100th Episode

29 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The boys celebrate 100 episodes of Good Children by looking back at some standout moments from the past two years of lore, including: Kelly Clarkson, ...

Jake Shane on Taylor Swift, GIRLS & Grindr

22 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week we're joined by internet darling and comedic genius, Jake Shane! It's a wild ride full of GIRLS references, Taylor Swift rankings, paying fo...

It's May, Let's Be Therapists Again

15 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week, after a 20-minute long intro in which the boys roleplay interviewing for jobs, Joe and Andrew discuss their relationship to touch. Later, A...

Blacking Out At House Of Yes

08 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get in the sprinter van and get your neon facepaint, we're celebrating birthdays this week. After a quick catchup about Andrew's 28th, a Joechella pow...

Does It Get Better? ft. Trixie Mattel

01 May 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Celebrate our 2-year-anniversary with World Famous Drag Queen: Trixie Mattel! Hang onto your wigs as we unpack Joe and Andrew's long-time yearning to ...

Double F's At Football Camp

24 Apr 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! The boys discuss the summer going into 8th grade when they both signed up...

April: Through The Years

17 Apr 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! Let's take it back to April: Through The Years. The boys discuss importan...

Body Hair, Saunas, & Colonics

10 Apr 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! This week join us on a retrospective through the hairy times of puberty a...

Why Don't I Fit In With The Gays?

03 Apr 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! This week, the boys put on their professor hats and answer their own earl...

Trying To Die On Purpose In Australia

27 Mar 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! Prepare to have your bones chilled as Andrew tells what he believes is a ...

How To Love Yourself Even Though You Had Ugly Bangs

20 Mar 2024

Contributed by Lukas

This week we let the listeners behind the microphones for a riveting Q&A running the mental and emotional gamut of the human experience. [Video will b...

Bagpipes

13 Mar 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Subscribe to our Patreon for a new episode every single Friday! (This week we're taking you on an extended trip to the cafeteria)! Head to FACTORME...

Four Idiot Girls (ft. Two Idiot Girls, Drew & Deison Afualo)

06 Mar 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Join us on Patreon for a new episode every week! Embrace the most embarrassing moments of your entire life with special guests and iconic sister duo ...

The Peanut Butter & Jelly Gang

28 Feb 2024

Contributed by Lukas

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! This week the boys bring it back to the basics with a manic conversation on extracurricular...

The Top 10 Breakfast Cereals Ranked

21 Feb 2024

Contributed by Lukas

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! Head to FACTORMEALS.com/GOODCHILDREN50 and use code GOODCHILDREN50 to get 50% off pre-pr...

Your Singing Voice Develops At 30

14 Feb 2024

Contributed by Lukas

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! This week the boys take a trip down memory lane to their very recent respective quarter-lif...

100 First Dates

07 Feb 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Join us on Patreon for a bonus episode every single Friday! Gear up for Valentine's Day with the only Valentines you need this year: your favorite po...