Dating in Midlife…Oh My! | Bela Gandhi
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What are the biological challenges of dating in midlife?
The game is kind of rigged against us, right? Human biology is rigged for reproduction. It's not set up to find long-term committed love.
It turns out when looking for love, most people filter potential partners through a list of wants that's all wrong for them. Bella Gandhi, founder of Smart Dating Academy and a longtime dating expert on Good Morning America, has spent 17 years showing people why that list is usually pointing them in the absolute wrong direction, how to really find love, especially later in life. In this conversation, we get into what she calls elevator people, those who lift you up and how to find them. why your biology works against you when you're dating in midlife, and how attraction can actually grow rather than just appear. I'm Jonathan Fields, and this is Good Life Project. And the place I want to start with, Bella, is right at the beginning with the big dating fears.
We'll jump right in there after this short break.
How can a partner's qualities differ from your dream list?
So you've worked with literally thousands of people navigating dating at all ages and also through the 40s, 50s, through the season of midlife. And I would imagine that many of them come to you having tried so many different times, so many different ways and failed or not even knowing where to begin. In this season in particular, what's the biggest challenge or complaint that you often have brought to you from people who are earnestly out there trying to find love in midlife?
There are so many challenges. Some of them have lost a spouse or a partner that was beloved to them. Some have been through the fiery tunnel of divorce. Some have never been married and are wondering, okay, does love exist for me? So I see people from all three pipelines. And I think they're all worried about, you know, some people will say, I don't want to be a nurse. I don't want to be a purse. Oh, my gosh, I've been divorced multiple times. Is somebody going to think I'm broken? So what I would say is if you're a single in midlife, the census data show that there's 35 million singles over 50. And if you back that up to 40, it's even more. And the total number of singles is 118 million adults in this country.
So it's a giant swath of the population. Everybody feels the thing. There's fear. There's heartbreak. There's, you know, am I pretty enough? Do I look good? Am I sagging?
What is the 'elevator people' exercise and how does it help?
Whatever it is, what I want to tell every single person that's listening today is that the I have full certainty love exists for every person that wants it. I say there is a lid to every pot at every age. So I want you to take people call me a psychotic optimist because I say this. I'm like, love it. They're like for everyone. I'm like for everyone that wants it, that's willing to follow a system that might be different than what we've done before. But love exists for everybody that wants it. And I've seen stories that would blow you away.
Yeah. What are the fears that you see that are unique to the middle season of life when you step into dating, regardless of how you're ending, you've ended up? Do you see sort of like common patterns where they're, they're just these deep seated gremlins that keep coming up repeatedly when people are trying to step into the space of finding somebody?
Yeah, I think there's two things. In this time in midlife, right, people think, oh my gosh, I don't have enough time. And that fear and that deeply ingrained belief kind of surfaces in so many different ways in the dating world. So that's one. And then the other one.
What are the common fears people face when dating in midlife?
Right. I tell everyone the game is kind of rigged against us. Right. Human biology is rigged for reproduction. It's not it's not set up to find long term committed love. Right. Family attachment patterns can make a big difference in that as well. And then cultural messaging, the things that our culture says, there's a three-day rule, butterflies are good, right? All of these things lead us to making decisions that That aren't good for us. So these three things, biology, attachment and cultural kind of phrases and metaphors can all lead us to dating people that have red flags over and over again.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What are the biological challenges of dating in midlife?
0:00–1:01
2
How can a partner's qualities differ from your dream list?
1:01–2:44
3
What is the 'elevator people' exercise and how does it help?
2:44–4:02
4
What are the common fears people face when dating in midlife?
4:02–7:20
5
How do biology, attachment, and cultural messaging affect dating choices?
7:20–10:57
6
What mistakes do accomplished women often make in dating?
10:57–14:57
7
Why is pacing important in developing attraction?
14:57–22:57
8
What advice is there for those returning to dating after a long break?
22:57–56:58
Speakers
2 identifiedMore from Good Life Project
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Sex in Midlife: It Doesn’t Have to Fade (and Can Even Be Great) | Susan Bratton
The Endings You Don’t See Coming (Until They’re Gone) | Jonathan Fields
Jodi Picoult: Why Every Villain is the Hero of Their Own Story
Single at Heart: What if You Don't Need Someone Else to “Complete” You | Bella DePaulo, PhD
The Midlife Curiosity Tour That Changed Everything | Allison Aubrey