Healing + Human Potential
3 Myths About Love to Rethink for Happier Relationships - From a Former Marriage + Family Therapist | EP 63
19 Nov 2024
Chapter 1: What are the common myths about love?
I see everyone as your soulmate. Everyone is helping you evolve your soul. We can use every relationship to grow from, not just a special one. I know that this doesn't sound very romantic. It's probably why it's not very popular and nobody's going to come save you, but everyone is here to help you and show you parts of yourself that you haven't seen.
We're going to dive into unpacking three common relationship myths that keep us stuck and and struggling in love and in finding the one. Myth number one, I have to choose the right partner. This puts a lot of pressure in relationships and a lot of it's influenced by Disney or in Hallmark movies. The second myth that I hear is that happy couples don't fight.
The third and last myth that I wanna debunk is if it's right, it'll be easy. One thing my husband and I will do if we are really in it and we don't wanna take a break to regulate ourselves, what we'll do is
Welcome back to the Healing and Human Potential podcast, where today we're going to dive into unpacking three common relationship myths that keep us stuck and struggling in love and in finding the one. And so whether you're in relationship or not, we'll dive into how to use these myths because they might be blocking you from greater levels of intimacy and connection that you really crave.
and having worked with countless couples when i was a marriage and family therapist i've seen and heard it all and so i want to share with you why i don't believe in soulmates or being with the wrong one and instead share a perspective that invites more healing freedom and authenticity into how we relate let's dive in and kick it off with myth number one i have to choose the right partner
So this puts a lot of pressure in relationships, and a lot of it's influenced by Disney or in Hallmark movies, really inflating this idea that there's a perfect person out there that completes us or fills all our needs. And the truth is, you really can't mess it up. So everyone is the right one for right now if you're with them. But please know that I'm never supporting abuse in any form.
So just putting that aside, there are gifts and lessons in any relationship that you're in. And so whether you choose to stay with them or not, my recommendation is to use the relationship that you're in or you're getting triggered by to support you in healing the patterns that are playing out so you don't have to play it out with the next person.
You get the lesson wherever you are, and then you have clarity about what's right for you. It becomes more obvious if you want to stay or go. And then in this way, you also don't have to just keep projecting those same patterns moving forward.
And since everybody is a mirror for us, we're going to be drawn to people who have similar wounds that match our childhood patterns, giving us an opportunity to meet and heal those parts of us that are looking to be seen and loved within us. Again, it doesn't mean that you have to stay with them, but people usually want to know the answer. Like, should I stay? Should I go?
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Chapter 2: Why is choosing the right partner a myth?
And that's a bigger love that I'm about and what I speak to in my Four Stages of Love podcast. So one process that you can use to support you in really being the one is to write down all the qualities that you want in a partner. And then really assess for yourself, how much are you living and embodying, showing up for yourself in those ways?
So this becomes the directions that you start embodying for yourself rather than waiting for somebody else to save you. You don't outsource that love. And then from here, you'll attract somebody who shows up for you in ways that you've wanted, but you don't put up with anything less than you're already giving yourself, right?
It comes from this neutral place of really embodying your inherent worth and value.
is super empowering there's less pressure on somebody else and it allows the relationship to unfold naturally without all the fear lack and manipulation the second myth that i hear is that happy couples don't fight so disagreements and misunderstandings are going to happen especially in long-term relationships and don't get me wrong it's not about arguing all the time it's not about not having any arguments those are both red flags but it is about how you navigate conflict and challenging conversations that's important
And you can use those situations to grow closer together to actually support your healing. And so one thing that I've used with couples is to map out how they want to fight in advance. So they have a roadmap before they get lost in their defense mechanisms. Because when we get upset, we oftentimes lose our ability to see clearly, right? We don't have that higher functioning reasoning on board.
And we go into our reptilian, more survival brain. And so if both partners are open to it, I find it really helpful to be able to map that out in advance so that you can keep the connection and navigate challenges with more ease. But something else that I want you to be aware of when you're fighting that can often happen is these defense mechanisms come up.
Some people go within and other people get more reactive. And so you can call these different patterns the turtle and the tiger. So oftentimes we're with somebody and we play out the opposite where the tiger gets louder and is more expressive and the turtle closes down and starts shutting off.
You can switch the dynamic depending on who you're with, but these are ways that we unconsciously look to protect ourselves. They're not bad. They're just defense mechanisms. And so once you know what yours are, you're going to be able to understand how to speak your needs consciously and navigate when these things come up instead of unconsciously playing them out.
So for turtles, instead of just closing down to create safety, you want to communicate that you just need a little time for yourself to center. And then you'll come back to the conversation within a specific period of time and tell your partner that so that they don't feel abandoned. And then they get louder, right? Tell them I'll be back in five minutes.
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Chapter 4: What does it mean if love is supposed to be easy?
Chapter 5: How can conflict resolution improve relationships?
and having worked with countless couples when i was a marriage and family therapist i've seen and heard it all and so i want to share with you why i don't believe in soulmates or being with the wrong one and instead share a perspective that invites more healing freedom and authenticity into how we relate let's dive in and kick it off with myth number one i have to choose the right partner
So this puts a lot of pressure in relationships, and a lot of it's influenced by Disney or in Hallmark movies, really inflating this idea that there's a perfect person out there that completes us or fills all our needs. And the truth is, you really can't mess it up. So everyone is the right one for right now if you're with them. But please know that I'm never supporting abuse in any form.
So just putting that aside, there are gifts and lessons in any relationship that you're in. And so whether you choose to stay with them or not, my recommendation is to use the relationship that you're in or you're getting triggered by to support you in healing the patterns that are playing out so you don't have to play it out with the next person.
You get the lesson wherever you are, and then you have clarity about what's right for you. It becomes more obvious if you want to stay or go. And then in this way, you also don't have to just keep projecting those same patterns moving forward.
And since everybody is a mirror for us, we're going to be drawn to people who have similar wounds that match our childhood patterns, giving us an opportunity to meet and heal those parts of us that are looking to be seen and loved within us. Again, it doesn't mean that you have to stay with them, but people usually want to know the answer. Like, should I stay? Should I go?
And in my experience, it's a lot easier to know the truth of if you should say or go once you've healed the filter that you're looking at that question from. Usually people are trying to avoid not healing it by finding somebody else, but you just take the pattern with you. So for example, let's say that I have a wound from childhood where I didn't feel chosen by my dad.
And so then I attract men who also don't choose me. So I do that because it's familiar and it's the filter that I'm seeing life from, right? From childhood got set in. This isn't bad, but when it comes up, it's actually good so that you can see it and start choosing the part of you that didn't feel chosen. That's how you do the work.
And then it's going to be easier for our partners to choose us when we've done that, since we don't have all the pressure on them and we're not viewing it from the defense mechanism, blocking the love that we're wanting.
If you don't heal that wound from childhood, even if you're currently with somebody that's choosing you, it wouldn't feel like they're choosing you because you're viewing it from that lens still.
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Chapter 6: What are practical strategies for relationship healing?
Chapter 7: How can childhood wounds affect adult relationships?
Chapter 8: What is the significance of viewing everyone as a soulmate?
I see everyone as your soulmate. Everyone is helping you evolve your soul. We can use every relationship to grow from, not just a special one. I know that this doesn't sound very romantic. It's probably why it's not very popular and nobody's going to come save you, but everyone is here to help you and show you parts of yourself that you haven't seen.
We're going to dive into unpacking three common relationship myths that keep us stuck and and struggling in love and in finding the one. Myth number one, I have to choose the right partner. This puts a lot of pressure in relationships and a lot of it's influenced by Disney or in Hallmark movies. The second myth that I hear is that happy couples don't fight.
The third and last myth that I wanna debunk is if it's right, it'll be easy. One thing my husband and I will do if we are really in it and we don't wanna take a break to regulate ourselves, what we'll do is
Welcome back to the Healing and Human Potential podcast, where today we're going to dive into unpacking three common relationship myths that keep us stuck and struggling in love and in finding the one. And so whether you're in relationship or not, we'll dive into how to use these myths because they might be blocking you from greater levels of intimacy and connection that you really crave.
and having worked with countless couples when i was a marriage and family therapist i've seen and heard it all and so i want to share with you why i don't believe in soulmates or being with the wrong one and instead share a perspective that invites more healing freedom and authenticity into how we relate let's dive in and kick it off with myth number one i have to choose the right partner
So this puts a lot of pressure in relationships, and a lot of it's influenced by Disney or in Hallmark movies, really inflating this idea that there's a perfect person out there that completes us or fills all our needs. And the truth is, you really can't mess it up. So everyone is the right one for right now if you're with them. But please know that I'm never supporting abuse in any form.
So just putting that aside, there are gifts and lessons in any relationship that you're in. And so whether you choose to stay with them or not, my recommendation is to use the relationship that you're in or you're getting triggered by to support you in healing the patterns that are playing out so you don't have to play it out with the next person.
You get the lesson wherever you are, and then you have clarity about what's right for you. It becomes more obvious if you want to stay or go. And then in this way, you also don't have to just keep projecting those same patterns moving forward.
And since everybody is a mirror for us, we're going to be drawn to people who have similar wounds that match our childhood patterns, giving us an opportunity to meet and heal those parts of us that are looking to be seen and loved within us. Again, it doesn't mean that you have to stay with them, but people usually want to know the answer. Like, should I stay? Should I go?
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