Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love | EP 81
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How do past wounds influence romantic relationships?
If you feel that the relationship might not be right for you, be the kind of partner that is a match for the relationship that you want to co-create. Your partner will either rise to the occasion or they will make it starkly obvious that this relationship is not a match. We have this idea, especially in our culture, that in order to be successful in relationship, the relationship has to look a certain way. And there's this perfectionism where we don't allow ourselves to actually have hard moments. The reality is when we are seeking perfection in ourselves, We aren't allowing ourselves to really fall apart to come back together. And when a breakup feels overwhelming to the point where you just want to jump out of your own skin, chances are that's because it's unearthing past traumas or unfinished business.
Letting go with grace really does require open-palmed surrender to understand that it's an opportunity for you to know yourself on a deeper level, to clear what needs to clear in order for you to create the life that you really want. We can do all of the inner work. to prepare our hearts for love, but we don't get to control the way that our life and our love looks. We only get to control how we show up in it.
Welcome back to the Healing and Human Potential podcast, where today we're talking about one of my favorite topics, relationships. We're going to be specifically talking about how our past wounds influence love, as well as what is the role with nervous system regulation work? How do we use it for greater self-regulation and connection? And then also, how does the power of self-awareness really shape conscious relationships? Joining us today is Shalena from Rising Women, where we explore transformative insights around how do you know if you should go or stay in the relationship? How do you heal heartbreak with more grace? And how do you create a love that lasts? It is a good one. Let's dive in.
So when I was getting my internship and getting licensed to become a marriage and family therapist, I studied Imago psychotherapy, which I know you love. And for those that don't know, Imago, literally the word Imago means image in Latin. So this is the theory that we attract somebody who mirrors the parent or caregiver that we had a hard time with growing up so that we can heal. But I know that Shay, you love this work as well. I would love to hear you explain it just to help everybody get on the same page. Like why do we attract who we attract? let's give a little bit of like context for our conversation.
When I first started learning about this, it was not even through the Imago training. It was through transpersonal therapy. And then I sort of graduated into doing the couples therapy training and What I found was that in my own personal life, my ex-partner who was my ex-husband was the perfect projection of my mother wound. So when I went through that catastrophic divorce, which really hurt so bad because it was unearthing all of my past wounds. what I came to realize through that was that most of our conflicts, the ways that I rejected him, the ways that I was repulsed by him, all of the anger and even the grief on the other side of it that I was feeling was all really related to my early childhood wounds and that unfinished business. And so when I really started doing the mock-up of
the template of that relationship and of that partner. And then I started to look at what I call core emotional themes, which are like the themes of how you feel in every single relationship. I realized that I had been carrying forth these core beliefs that stem from my own childhood wounds into every relationship. So we tend to unconsciously call in a partner who's going to mirror back some of the most challenging aspects of our caretakers in an attempt for our psyche to complete, right? To heal. Now the challenge always is, is that they're also doing that. And as it would go, we tend to attract somebody who has a really hard time giving us that thing that we want the most. And in fact, the very thing that they do as their main coping mechanism is
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