Chapter 1: What significant changes have occurred in Tony's life since the last episode?
Pushkin.
Hello. Jonathan. Who is this? This is Kalila Holt, your producer.
Well, hello.
Hello.
Nice to have you back in the studio. Welcome.
Nice to be reunited in this auditory space.
Yes, indeed it is. Have a seat, please.
I'm already sitting, but thank you.
Yes.
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Chapter 2: How did Tony's past relationships impact his current situation?
You seem surprised that you called me. So nice to hear from you. I didn't call you. I didn't realize that I had you on my calendar, but this is great. How are you doing? It's been so busy. It's nice to like decompress and have a normal conversation. How's it going? From Gimlet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and this is Heavyweight. Today's episode, Tony.
Paul, how are you? Very good, thanks.
I was wondering if you would be up for meeting me for an hour.
Okay, well, about...
It was absent for most of your life. And, you know, I've always felt bad about it. Here's something you don't hear every day. A godfather awkwardly asking out his 31-year-old godson on a god date. I know you're busy. I know you're a busy-ass, light-mouthed father of two. But if you can spare an hour, like Monday or Tuesday night, you know, I'll bring it.
Unfortunately, a week in advance. I don't know what the hell's going on.
The godfather being blown off is my friend Tony. The realization that he needed to be a better godfather came suddenly. It was like if Vito Corleone woke up one morning and thought, you know, godfathering should be more than just decapitating horses, and then picked up a rotary phone and asked Johnny Fontaine out on an ice cream date.
But to explain how Tony got to this point, let's go back to the beginning. It all started when Tony and I were catching up. And regarding work, how is that going? Good. It's really great. I'm actually enjoying the process of making this film, which is, I think, the really amazing thing about the past year. This past year has been a hard one for Tony. He's recently divorced and still adjusting.
The house that has been settled. Yeah, everything is settled. Everything is settled. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I first met Tony in college when he was a young film student with manic energy, jean shallot curly black hair, and gray clothes that always smelt of Greek food. After college, we became roommates, and on the weekend, his mother would visit.
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Chapter 3: What challenges did Tony face during his journey to reconnect with his godchildren?
Like, does it mean anything that I'm somebody's godfather because I said so or somebody said so or we did something a long time ago? It can mean nothing or it can mean something. You know, godfather is a big fucking deal if you think about it. It has a spiritual implication. God, right? It's not toilet father.
And so with my encouragement, Tony picked up the phone and reached out to Paul, which brings us back to the phone call you heard earlier.
Want me to call you on Saturday? Yeah, I think that'll be easiest. Okay. Are you up to this? I don't want to impose on you. You said you feel bad. I don't think you should. There's nothing to feel bad about. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, give me a call on the weekend and we'll try to figure something out. Okay, great. I'll call you up. Perfect. All right. Sounds good. All right. You too.
Bye. On Saturday, Tony called. With no response, he reached out again. And again. Eventually, he gave up. Tony and Paul never got together.
I'm Drew Broussard, host of the Lit Hub podcast. Every Friday, I take you behind the scenes at Literary Hub, chatting with staff, writers, and other literary figures about everything going on in the literary world. Find us now anywhere you get your podcasts.
Tony and I reconvened, and I tried to bolster his spirits. Maybe things would go better with Godchild II, Zoe. She is the daughter of a rehab buddy who was actually also a drug dealer here in Montreal when I was dealing in Montreal. And we met in rehab in Ottawa. And he asked me, do you want to be her godfather? I said, sure. I said, are you guys going to baptize her?
They said, no, be her godfather. Okay, great. And so it was just like that. So that was easy. Yeah. But it was meaningful. I was happy to do whatever was going to be required of me. And I did see the kid, you know, when she was young. And then I moved to Montreal. And so she basically grew up without me. In the intervening years, Tony's only seen Zoe a couple times.
When she comes to town, she doesn't bother looking him up. Because I remember how I used to see people that were, like, never mind 40s. Yeah. Like, people in their 30s were crusty, you know, yellow toenailed, you know... But Tony wants more than that. Since Zoe still lives in Ottawa, just a two-hour drive away, I suggest you go visit her. Maybe it isn't too late.
But after his failed attempt with Paul, he isn't sure she'll even want to see him. So I offered a road trip down with him for emotional support. You know, the whole purpose of this thing is for you not to be a deadbeat goddad. I know. I feel really bad. It's my fault. It's Zoe's last week of high school, and Tony's arranged to pick her up after her day of finals.
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Chapter 4: What motivated Tony to reach out to his estranged godchildren?
Almost done high school. Yeah. The final frontier.
So let's go to the park. Okay. Would you like some candy, Zoe? Sure. As Tony's emotional support system, I thought it might be helpful to bring refreshments. We drive along chewing in silence. And then Tony decides to break the ice. I have a really gross, disgusting story to tell you.
Oh. Well, can you contextualize what disgusting is?
Oh, my God. I'm only thinking about it because it happened right around here.
Oh, no, I don't like where this is going.
A friend of mine, he's been collecting his vomit for the past 20 years in a gigantic tin, like a gigantic metal drum in the basement.
Oh, my God. What the heck? I wasn't expecting that. Me neither. That's so terrible. Why would you bring something like that up right now?
Because it happened right around here.
So, like, how did you find out about that?
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Chapter 5: How does Tony feel about his role as a godfather now?
And if so, will he scratch Tony's eyes out when roused from his godfatherless slumber? We'll find out after these important messages from our sponsors.
I'm Drew Broussard, host of the Lit Hub podcast. Every Friday, I take you behind the scenes at Literary Hub, chatting with staff, writers, and other literary figures about everything going on in the literary world. Find us now anywhere you get your podcasts.
Tony's first godchild, Paul, didn't have the time for a relationship, and his second godchild, Zoe, had outgrown the whole godfather-goddaughter thing. That left him one last chance, nine-year-old Nicholas, godchild the third. Nicholas, godchild number three is Nicholas, the son of my cousin.
This one is especially challenging for Tony, because unlike with Paul and Zoe, Tony's not the only godparent in the picture. Tony's ex-wife Natalie was warm and likable. When they started dating, she helped him reconnect with his family. So much so that when Nicholas was born, his mom, a cousin Tony wasn't even especially close to, asked them both to be his godparents.
Tony and Natalie were together at Nicholas' baptism. I was holding him, and he was really upset until I took him, and he was quiet the whole time. And everybody was kind of spooked by the fact that he was suddenly so quiet when I was holding him. So there was this whole kind of energy around, like, oh, why is this power Tony has over Nicholas, or why is he so quiet?
And everybody seemed to make kind of a strange impression on people. And it felt good to sort of be, I guess, for whatever reason, and nothing to do with me, somehow this kid felt... Soothed or calmed by me. And we baptized the kid. We had a big party. And then we started, we were there every year. Like three, four times a year, which is pretty good. But it was all good.
But it was all about being with Natalie. Natalie was the initiator. She's the one who planned the godparent stuff, like trips with Nicholas to the movies and the museum. Nicholas loved Natalie and related to her and Tony as a unit. So when that unit split up, Tony couldn't bring himself to keep visiting Nicholas and his mom. It reminded him too much of Natalie. I didn't feel like seeing them.
I didn't feel like going to her house because I always went there with Natalie. But Nicholas's mother continued to reach out. Nicholas really misses you, she'd write. Eventually, she suggested they all get together on neutral ground, her sister's house. So we did. We set up a surprise dinner, which was about two months ago. And I went over and they were really happy to see me.
But at the same time, I noticed Nicholas's first reaction. He was kind of shocked. And I could see that all this stuff went through his eyes. And then he put on this kind of smiley, happy guy thing. I could read it all in his face right away. And you think that was because Natalie wasn't there? Yeah, yeah.
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Chapter 6: What lessons does Tony learn from his interactions with Nicholas?
And he's just turned into a really amazing, like resilient, like deals with all kinds of hardship really maturely. Like the total opposite of me. Like he, like, I don't, I don't know. He says he gets spiritual guidance from me, but I don't know what that would be or if he's just blowing smoke up my ass. No, you guys have a special connection. We do. We laugh a lot. We have a good relationship.
We have a really good time. That's so nice. So how are you? I mean, you look well. Thanks. So do you. Oh, well, you don't have to say that. No, but you do. I mean, basically, I'm okay. I'm three and three and a half months into the stay here, which is going to be a year. Wait a second. So why don't you explain what here is? Right, of course I have to do that.
Here is the Clear Sky Meditation and Study Center. It's like a Buddhist-based retreat center in the Rocky Mountains of Canada. And it's where I live with 12 other people who are permanent, well, long-term residents. And I'm trying it out for a year. I'm living in a kind of pseudo-monastic situation.
And there's deer everywhere and they just stand like 10 feet away and like stare at you before they dart off. There's coyotes and like howling like 30 feet from the building at night. It's really beautiful. It's tough. It's tough here. It's tiring. It's not for everybody. Could you just explain a little about how you found out about this place?
Yeah, I owe this to my former mother-in-law, Natalie's mom, actually. Just a couple of years into my relationship with Natalie, I was looking for a place to meditate. And she picked up a flyer from this place. She used to go do yoga and said, this guy is supposed to be good. And then when I showed up, I realized, oh, this is great. traditional, like, religious Buddhism.
And my first reaction was, no, I don't want that. I came to the wrong place. This is not the way. I don't think so, basically. But he was a very down-to-earth teacher, and he just talked and made a lot of sense to me, and I connected really quickly with him. So what is the path that you're... that you're on right now.
You're thinking of staying there for a year, but that is in service to possibly staying there forever? Possibly. Anything is possible right now. Like, at this moment in time, anything is possible. I don't know what I'm going to do. And you're comfortable with that? Well, not really, but yes, also. I mean, I don't know what choice do I have. Like, I don't want to live in Montreal.
When I started taking care of my mom when she got sick. We should say that in the time since the episode, your mother has passed away. Yeah. And that sort of both freed you and kind of untethered you from the city, from Montreal. Yeah. Yeah. So my mom was diagnosed with dementia right before COVID. And it was horrifying. The onset was horrifying because you don't know what it means.
You don't know what it's going to mean to take care of somebody who's demented. I had the worst kind of ideas in my head. But it turned out to be... Yeah, my stint as a parent, you know, the closest I'm ever going to get to being a parent is, I think, is taking care of my mom for a few years while she was unable to take care of herself. And it also brought my relationship with her to a very...
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Chapter 7: How does Tony's relationship with his mother influence his actions?
You're thinking, finally. Yes, that's right. Not just audio, but now in the form of news and a letter sent directly to your inbox. And who knows? Maybe you'll even hear from a producer or two. Kalila Holt?
Yeah, you probably will.
We'll let you know when new episodes are coming out, and we'll send out some other fun stuff as well, like word puzzles.
We're not going to send out word puzzles.
Well, we don't know yet. We might make crossword puzzles, word jumbles. We want to share everything that we can. And you can sign up for that at patreon.com slash heavyweight.
I'm Drew Broussard, host of the Lit Hub podcast. Every Friday, I take you behind the scenes at Literary Hub, chatting with staff, writers and other literary figures about everything going on in the literary world. Find us now anywhere you get your podcasts.
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