Keeping Secrets
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What is the significance of keeping secrets in our lives?
This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. You're sitting in a school bus next to your best friend. She tells you about the time she stole an eraser from the teacher's desk. You wonder whether you should tell her about the time you stole a plush toy from a store. As the bus rolls along, you go back and forth in your mind and then decide against it. A few years later, you're at your high school prom. At the end of the evening, you share a kiss with your prom date, who turns out to have bad breath. This is not someone you are interested in long term. Do you share the information or withhold it?
How do secrets affect our mental health and relationships?
Or consider a much more serious situation later in life. You're in a long-term relationship and you realize that for some years now, you have been questioning your own sexual orientation. Your partner would be crushed to hear about it. Things are generally going well in your relationship and you don't have immediate plans to act on your secret feelings. Is it best to keep them to yourself?
At every stage of life, we find ourselves confronted with dilemmas like this. There is a part of us that wants to share, to have the world see us as we truly are. And there is a part of us that sees how people are brought down by scandal and gossip. And a cautious voice inside us says, be smart, keep your mouth shut.
In today's show and our episode next week, and also in a special episode of Hidden Brain+, we explore the psychological costs and benefits of self-concealment and self-disclosure.
What dilemmas do people face when deciding to share secrets?
Keeping Secrets, this week on Hidden Brain+.
In the course of a day, countless thoughts and feelings enter our minds. We share some of these thoughts and feelings with others, but we keep most of them to ourselves. When is it smart to share? When is it smart to hide? Is there scientific evidence that can guide us on what we should do? At Harvard University, psychologist Leslie John has spent many years studying these questions. Leslie John, welcome to Hidden Brain.
Thank you so much for having me, Shankar.
Leslie, one of your favorite TV programs is the British comedy series, Mr. Bean.
What does research say about the costs of self-concealment?
There's one particular episode that you enjoy. And for people who are unfamiliar with the show, who is Mr. Bean and what is he doing in the scene?
I love Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean is a comic mime, I would say, and his sweet spot is he finds these very relatable human situations, these quandaries we get ourselves in, and then he comes up with absurd... almost childlike solution. So it's a really, really endearing and hilarious show. And also brings me back to my childhood because my father and I are the jokers of the family, and we're huge Mr. Bean fans. So in this particular little sketch, Mr. Bean goes to a fancy schmancy restaurant and orders steak tartare, doesn't realize that that's essentially raw meat. And so the waiter comes out with his meal with great flair, opens up the silver cloche that's on top of the plate, and to Mr. Bean's horror, like his face, says it all.
How can opening up lead to deeper connections?
He's completely aghast. What have I done? But yet, the... The waiter, you know, the waiter, of course, asks, how's it doing?
Is everything all right, sir?
And Mr. Bean does this, like, his smiley, oh, yes, everything is great.
Oh, yes.
And then the waiter leaves, and then what Mr. Bean proceeds to do is grab little dollops of the steak, of the raw meat, and put it wherever he can to get rid of it. Because you have to follow through with the lie, right? You have to show progress on eating it.
What are the psychological effects of self-disclosure?
So, yeah, so he like puts a little bit in the fuzz and then he leans back and he puts a little bit in the woman's purse behind him. He hollows out a dinner roll and shoves it in. And then he even takes a dollop, sticks it directly on the table and sticks the plate to it like cement. So good.
I understand that you had your own Mr. Bean moment some years ago. Can you set the scene for me and tell me what happened?
Yeah. So I was a baby academic and I was invited out to give a talk at Berkeley. So totally swoon worthy place. And two superstar scholars invited me out.
How do societal perceptions influence our willingness to share?
They're married and they invited me out to their house for dinner after the day.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the significance of keeping secrets in our lives?
0:02–0:55
2
How do secrets affect our mental health and relationships?
0:55–2:05
3
What dilemmas do people face when deciding to share secrets?
2:05–2:55
4
What does research say about the costs of self-concealment?
2:55–4:04
5
How can opening up lead to deeper connections?
4:04–4:39
6
What are the psychological effects of self-disclosure?
4:39–5:33
7
How do societal perceptions influence our willingness to share?
5:33–6:07
8
What lessons can we learn from personal experiences with secrets?
6:07–49:54