How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Unlock the 3 S’s for Unshakable Confidence—and Attract the Women You Want!
Tue, 29 Apr 2025
There’s a big dating mistake you’re making—and you don’t even realize it. Most men obsess over tactics (what to say, how to text) instead of building the real foundation for success: a bulletproof mindset. In this episode, dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett reveals the 3 S’s of dating success. The 3 S’s will build you unstoppable confidence and attract the women you want, all while being authentic. Listen now to start transforming your love life.DO YOU WANT TO ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND? BOOK A FREE CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN ABOUT 1-1 COACHING:http://www.DatingTransformation.comEMAIL CONNELL FOR A FREE COPY OF HIS NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”:[email protected]
Chapter 1: What are the 3 S's for unshakable confidence?
When you have a panic attack in the men's room stall, that's not butterflies. That's vampire bats. And that's why it was really hard for me to approach women. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett.
I am your podcast dating coach, helping you confidently meet, flirt with, date wonderful women, and get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic. no sketchy pickup artist moves needed this is about dating with authenticity what i call radical authenticity because women like you for you that's you at your most confident and your most authentically attractive self is that core you inside of you
And we are in the middle of a four-part series about the 12 essentials of a great online dating profile that gets matches. This episode is a brief interlude, like halftime of the Super Bowl. I'm actually going to take a one-episode detour. I want to talk about a really important topic of why you may struggle with confidence around women or why you...
are down on dating, why you might hate the apps, why you might have approach anxiety. I want to talk with you about some of the mindset challenges you have that make dating no fun and that bring your confidence down. And I want to help you fix it. It won't happen in this one episode, but I at least want to give you, I want to help you to see the matrix. Oh, this is why I struggle with confidence.
Because once you understand why you struggle with confidence or struggle with dating, then you can fix it or begin to. And so today I'm going to get really nerdy on you. I'm going to go into full self-improvement coach mode through the lens of dating, of course. But yeah, I'm going to go full on self-improvement nerd. So I hope you like this episode.
It's not going to be 27 tactics to say the perfect thing. It's going to be about mindset because mindset is 80% of it. So really this episode is about... helping you fix maybe the biggest mistake that men make in dating today. What's the biggest mistake that men make in dating? I think it might be this. So many men, maybe yourself, You're focused on what's the right thing to say?
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Chapter 2: Why is mindset more important than tactics in dating?
What's the right strategy? What are the right mechanics? And strategy and mechanics are important in dating, but they're not nearly as important as having a strong sense of self-confidence and worth and feeling positive about who you are and feeling like your dating results are coming your way. That you know you believe... You know and you believe and feel that you bring a lot to the table.
A lot of women are going to like you. And also you have a good, empowering belief about dating. And so big mistake men make is what are the tactics? What are the strategies? And if you focus on tactics and strategies and don't focus on a core sense of self-confidence, what I call a story, then you struggle. You struggle. And I could teach you the world's best opening lines.
I can teach you the best things to say when you walk up to a woman and approach or when you go on a date. But if that woman is talking to you and you're nervous and shaking and anxious and in your head, none of those lines, none of those tips are going to work all that well because your story, your sense of worth and confidence isn't handled.
So let's talk about how to fix this and get this handled today. I want to talk to you about what I call the three S's. What are the three S's? Well, these are the three most important pieces that you need to have in place if you want to get an incredible girlfriend, if you want to find love, if you want to get lots of dates and find that wonderful relationship. It takes what I call the three S's.
And I'm going to give you the three S's in order of importance. Because basically you're listening to this podcast, I assume, because you want something wonderful. You have an outcome you want. You want a girlfriend. You want love. Maybe you want to be a dad one day. Maybe you want to be a father, a dad, a husband. Bottom line is you want something wonderful.
And so you have this incredible, powerful result, this outcome you're moving toward. And And that's important to have in place. And to make an incredible outcome happen, you want to have these three S's handled. So let's say, for example, let's say your ideal dating outcome is you say to me, Connell, here's what I want.
I want a beautiful, gorgeous girlfriend, 5'10", brunette, intelligent, professional, looks like Gal Gadot. Even dresses up like Wonder Woman for me for some fun, sexy role playing. She's flirty. She's feminine. She's got her own career. She's funny. I want great sex. I want my best friend. I want a woman like that in my life. And I say to you, boom, let's do it. Let's make that happen for you.
So you start with this incredible outcome. And that's where motivation starts from. We begin with, hey, let's begin with the end in mind. What's the end game for you? And so then how do we get you your Gal Gadot girlfriend or whatever your type is? Well, then what we want to do is make sure that you have three S's handled in a healthy, awesome, empowering place. What are the three S's?
Here they are. Here's how we're going to get you that girlfriend. Here are the three S's to attract your dream girlfriend. They go in this order. And by the way, this is order of importance. So we're going to start with the most important S. Number one, S is your story. Your story, the story you tell yourself about yourself and your worth and attractiveness to women.
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Chapter 3: How can your story affect your dating success?
So that's what I thought about myself. And that night I went out and I approached the first four, five, six girls. I was so nervous. I was in my head. I was not very much on. But basically, about halfway through that night, I realized, hey, wait a minute. Some women are pretty cool and friendly. Some women aren't that into me. But I didn't explode when a girl rejected me.
The first girl I approached, she talked to me for about two minutes. She was drunk. She was wearing a cowboy hat. And she wasn't into me, but nor was she mean to me. She was just a chick at a bar talking to a random ginger. And she walked away and basically said, nice meeting you. You know, polite girl version of, I'm not interested in dating you, but okay, we talked.
And I remember in that moment feeling, that's what I've been afraid of all these years? My story? Am I sure that my story is right? Because she was fine. I mean, she didn't want to date me, but I didn't feel like I was this worthless person anymore. But that's what my story told me was about to happen.
So the approach anxiety you feel, if you feel it, it's probably coming from a story that says, I'm not good enough. Women don't like me. Or the story might not be about you, your identity. The story might be about the world. Your story might be... Women don't want them. Women don't want guys to approach them. It's creepy to approach. There's a story I'll bet you have in your mind.
So many men tell me that. O'Connell, I want to approach women, but I don't want to be creepy. It's creepy to approach women. This guy on TikTok, these women on TikTok say, don't approach us, creep. Or the Me Too era has gotten you shoved in your head, feeling like, well, I can't approach women. I don't want to do something, make them feel uncomfortable, do something wrong. So that first S has to be
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Chapter 4: What is the importance of emotional state in dating?
We want it to be empowering and positive. Some version of, hell yeah, I'm enough for women. And another version of, hell yeah, I'm going to find a great girlfriend. And here's why. We want that first S to be really empowering and positive. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends. But you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you.
And sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.
It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.
On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Now let's talk about the second S. The second S is... Your state.
What do I mean by your state? It just means how you feel literally energetically, how you feel emotionally strong, well-rested, kind of lit up in the zone. Oh, in the zone, in the zone. That's a good phrase for it. If you want those moments in life, when you feel in the zone. You're crushing it on the basketball court.
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Chapter 5: How does dating strategy play a role in attracting women?
You're in the gym and you got the music playing and you're seeing your pecs popping or you close the deal at work. You're just like, yeah, I was so in the zone today. That means you're in a really good state, good emotional state. You're focused on things that are positive and empowering. You're feeling hopeful, confident, competent. Also, you're going to feel competent.
That brings a state, a good state to us. Basically, just being rested, being present, and feeling good in your body and mind. Let's call that state, kind of like being in the zone. And the nice thing about having a really good story is that good story you have creates a good state within reason, or it helps anyway. So again, my old story up until late 2009 or mid-2009 was...
was you're not good enough, nerdy ginge. Women don't want you. And that crushed my state. And by the way, when your state crashes, guess what? If you're watching on video right now on YouTube or on Spotify, check out the video. Shoulders slumping. Your voice goes down. Your state goes down. Your voice, you sound like this. Hey, excuse me, miss. Oh, hi. I just wanted to come say hi to you.
By the way, if you're in a bad state, you're not going to approach anybody. If you're in a bad state, you're probably not even taking any dating action. So there's a huge cost to a bad story. It leads to a bad state. It makes you slump your shoulders. It affects your voice. It makes you inactive. It keeps you stuck in an inactive avoidance mode as opposed to an action mode. But a good state
You stand taller. You talk more loudly. You feel really authentically, awesomely you. And you just seem lit up from the inside. Your voice is resonant. You have more of a genuine, heart-centered masculinity. And even if you're shy, guess what? Shy guys can be confident and outgoing. All it takes is a good story and a good state. And the third S is, of course, again, strategy.
And again, this is where we fail you. This is where dating experts fail you. And I suppose I'm guilty of this too, because I probably do a lot of, okay, what are the moves? What's going to get the clicks? What gets my SEO up? How do I get people listening to this podcast? What tends to sell is, here's what to say. Here's what you do. Here's what to say. Here's what to write. Here's the strategy.
Here's the tactic. And I love tactics and strategies and techniques. They are valuable. But honestly, the techniques, it's 20% of the puzzle piece of getting you your dream girlfriend. 80% of it is story and state. 80% of your success is going to come from a great story.
Because if you have a great story and a good state, then you're going to be out talking to women, taking some action, putting yourself out there, going on dates, approaching, talking to women at parties, whatever it might be. taking some risks, taking some chances. So much of dating success is about, hey, I'm nervous, but I want to meet that woman. Or, oh, she's my crush. I want to ask her out.
She might say no, but you know what? I got to use courage. I got to try. And then you take a chance. And if you're in a good state and have a good story, it's so much easier to become a risk taker. So back to that night that opened the anecdote that opens my book I'm approaching women. I've talked to eight, nine, ten women.
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Chapter 6: What personal experiences shaped Connell's dating philosophy?
If I can approach this gorgeous Kelly girl, not just approach her, but steal her away from these Wall Street dudes, these cooler, better looking guys than me, these outgoing guys, I could take her away from them and bring her home. Who am I? So my result, my success with Kelly began to change that first S, the story. My story started to change that weekend in July of 2009.
And the story became something more like the new story. Something like, hey, maybe women like me. Maybe some women like nerdy gingers. Maybe I'm pretty witty. Maybe I'm funny. And maybe I'm funny in a way that creates some sparks. Maybe I'm bolder and more attractive than I ever thought. In other words, I am enough. The story that I began to rewrite that night is I am enough. I am enough.
That's the story you want. Your story needs to be some version of I'm enough. I have so much going for me. I'm attractive in different ways. I don't know if you're tall or handsome or rich, but you got to find the things that you offer instead of focusing on the things that you lack. That first story or that first S, we need an empowering, positive story.
And that will help you get into a really good state. You'll be hopeful. You'll be optimistic. You'll be lit up. You'll get into the zone much faster. And then that third S, let's not completely discount it. Strategy. Flirting. What to say. How to say it. Here are the tips. Here are the moves. These things are important. So many guys say to me, Connell, what do I say when I walk up to a woman?
I say, how about, hi, my name is Sean. What's your name? I'm not saying that's a fancy strategy. But guess what? If he's got that first S feeling good, the story is, I'm an awesome guy. I approach girls because I'm confident. And if he's in a good state, then he can walk up to a woman. You, dear listener, you can walk up to a gorgeous woman.
And if your story is positive, empowering, and your state is solid, you can walk up and say, hey, what's up? I'm Ryan. I wanted to meet you. And you can create instant sparks with some women that way. Instantly. And there's no fancy strategy. All you're doing is walking up and putting an authentic card on the table. Hey, I just saw you and I wanted to meet you.
It wasn't but a year after Kelly, the next woman I dated, or at least the next story that comes to mind from approaching, I'm at a Barnes & Noble. And there's an absolute dynamite, beautiful woman. Her name is Lane. Lane, if you're out there, hi. And I didn't know her name at the time. Just a cute girl looking at greeting cards at Barnes & Noble. And I was feeling in the zone.
I was in a good state. And I had a much better story. My old story was, Connell, you're not enough. And women don't want you to approach them. My new story became, Connell, you're the shit to a lot of women. And a lot of women love guys like you to come chat them up. That was my story. I'm in a good state. I walk up to this pretty blonde. And I say, hey, I just saw you and you're really cute.
She lit up. Her face was like a billboard of brightness. She was so happy. She said, hi, wow, you're cute too. grinning ear to ear. We chatted for 15 or 20 minutes. I got her number. We're texting later that afternoon. And she texted me and I quote, thank you for picking me up. Thank you for approaching and picking me up. That was a mindset shift there. Like, oh, wow.
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Chapter 7: How can you change your inner narrative about dating?
and attractive to a lot of quality women and come up with five specific reasons. That's how we start to shift the story. Your brain needs evidence. It can't just listen to me on a podcast saying, you're the best. Yay, go you. That's not going to get you there. Probably. If it does, great. Email me. Tell me how it did. But just me telling you, you're awesome. You got to find that.
You got to dig that out from inside of you. You got to give yourself proof. Not promises, but proof. Here's what you do. Write down five, maybe 10 specific reasons why you are an incredible choice for lots of women. And don't overthink this. Underthink it. Get specific, but get micro-specific. That's a way to come up with tons of reasons. I have a steady job. I have a good heart. I'm funny.
Or I'm a good listener. I'm a good son. I'm a great single dad. I'm smart. I'm intelligent. I'm kind. Did you know kindness is the number one biggest thing women most want in a male partner? Kindness. The top four things or top four or five things women want, according to a poll, a huge survey, kindness, intelligence, supportiveness, confidence, and education.
Those are the top five things women want in a male partner, according to Clue, a health app. Top five things right there. I'll bet you don't have a lot of confidence. or at least not the level you want, but if you're intelligent and supportive and kind and well-educated, dude, you got the top four things women want. How's that for a story? You got the top four hits.
You're like the Beatles in 1964. You got the top four or five songs on the Billboard charts. That's a great story. Hell yeah, I'm enough. Give yourself reasons why you're enough, okay? And that second thing, number two, state. Tell yourself this every morning, every day. In my book, I talk about the confidence kickoff.
Every morning, you want to give yourself 15 to 30 minutes, at least 15, ideally 30 minutes, of getting in touch with your worth and value to women, reminding yourself how awesome you are every single morning. I need to do this as well. Not in dating anymore.
I have my dream girlfriend, but in other areas, some areas of life, other areas of growth, I need to remind myself of what I bring to this table in different areas. So I'm no different than you. I am cut from the same cloth as you, sir. We all are actually as people, as humans.
So anyway, that second state, sorry, that second S state, that's going to come largely from a great new story, a new and improved story. And then ritualize this every morning. Remind yourself of why you're a great choice for women. Get a good night's sleep. Eat well. Do the things that keep you feeling good. So that's your story. I'm sorry, that's your state. And the third S is strategy.
Yes, absolutely. Make sure you know the basics of how to flirt. How to send openers on the apps. How to stay out of the friend zone on dates. All that important how-to part of dating is so important. But I'll tell you what, man. I could teach you all the ninja moves of flirting, what to say, how to do all those things. But if your hands are shaking...
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