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Chapter 1: What are the hosts thankful for this Thanksgiving?
Patriots, Gatriots, Thatriots. Happy Thanksgiving to America and beyond. There's so much to be grateful for. We are a show full of nothing. But gratitude, absolutely. For our fellow Americans, I feel so much unity and pride heading into this Thanksgiving. I think I might flow over with how much pride and joy I feel.
You're just bubbling over with Thanksgiving gratefulness? Totally. I was just going to say, we could call you hashtag blessed on this Thanksgiving.
I think we should. One of William in our Patreon said he wants to start calling me Blessica.
So welcome, I'm Blessica. Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, this happened to me last night and I fucking had it. And I don't know if it was a trap or what, but this person, I don't know all that well, but I know enough to say hi, you know, just like you do. And she said, what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? And I was just like, go fuck yourself.
Chapter 2: What is the issue with sharing gratitude?
We're not close enough to talk about what I'm thankful for. Is that just me having a bad attitude? Like, I felt like that was invasive. What are you thankful for? Why do you give a fuck?
I just think that question is entirely out of line.
I do too.
I think, what are you thankful for? Like, Shut up. Shut up. What I'm thankful for is that I haven't run into you in decades. And I literally don't remember your name. That's what I have gratitude for. And what I'm looking forward to is this being our last meeting. And that would cause me to have immense gratitude.
Oh, that's exactly how I felt. It's like you were there in my head because I was really taken aback. Like, what? I just thought it was fucking bizarre.
What kind of question is that?
What kind of question is that? And here's the deal. Do you really want me to stand there and tell you? No. Everybody just wants to get their shit and get out. I just hate that.
I'll tell you what I'm thankful for, Brooke. I'm thankful that my kids aren't on crystal meth. Right. And I'm thankful that you're kind of a cunt and we both know it. Right. I'm glad that's out in the open right now.
Oh, I have one. I'm thankful that when I got it up the ass last night, we used lube.
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Chapter 3: Why do the hosts dislike Thanksgiving?
Number one, everybody tries to trot out one day a year this bullshit gratitude that they have. And it is such performative bullshit. You're sitting there with your family. And you know a couple of them are complete assholes. They've always been complete assholes. They will forever be complete assholes. And everybody says, let's go around the table and everybody share what they're grateful for.
And what I want to say is put a sock in it. Let's quit with this bullshit. Second thing that irritates me about Thanksgiving is when we were little kids, little American kids that did the Pledge of Allegiance every morning dutifully. We were told that Thanksgiving is a wonderful time where the pilgrims and the Indians decided to sit down together and break bread and share a meal.
We have gratitude for that because we're so nice and we're so good and blah, blah, blah. I mean, like from kindergarten on. Yes. And then you start studying it. And you find out it was this bloody massacre. Right. And this horrific shit show of colonialism. And, you know, I'm not one of these people I have to run around, you know, that happened long before I was ever thought of or whatever.
But let's not whitewash it and come up with this, you know, patty cake fest a month before Christmas. Another thing I don't like about it is this. Why are we doing these back-to-back things? I agree. You do Thanksgiving, and you're just about to come up for air, and then you have to turn around and do it again for Christmas.
I've had it from top to bottom, left to right, up to my eyeballs with Thanksgiving. But I'll tell you what, out of everything that I listed, I want to circle back to that lady asking you that because that's really sitting in my craw. Yeah.
crawl i was just like number one that's just i feel like it's inappropriate i mean what are you thankful for i mean it feels nosy it just everything about it gagged me it's like she cares that's i was like you don't want to talk to me i don't want to talk to you let me ask you this does she know you have a podcast I don't know. I would guess probably not if I were guessing. I don't know.
Do you think it's possible that maybe she's like a Trumper that's super excited about his victory and just was kind of trolling you? Because I could kind of respect that a little bit.
Okay, I could too. But based on, I know her from the courthouse like years and years ago. From your lawyer days? Yes. So I don't know that she would follow me enough to... I don't even know if she follows me on Instagram or whatever. Do you think she's a Trumper? I would say yes, only because she lives in Oklahoma City. She's from rural Oklahoma. Does she look like a Trumper?
No, she's pretty cute. Does she have a Stanley cap? Did you see a Stanley cap? I didn't see a Stanley cap. Now that's not saying she didn't have one in her car because I had one in my car, but that's here and there.
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Chapter 4: What is the problem with Friendsgiving?
Chapter 5: How do the hosts feel about the Thanksgiving holiday?
Yeah.
The patron saint of lesbians. The patron saint of lesbians. I like that. I like that.
You know, I'm just going to say it. I just don't think people give lesbians enough credit. We do on this podcast. We do on this podcast. You know what you should have told that lady when she said, were you grateful for this Thanksgiving? You should say, I'll tell you what I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for lesbians. Yeah.
So I'm going to start. If anybody else asks, I'm going to say.
At your family dinner. Yes, I absolutely should. With your evangelical parents, when they get around the table, you should say, well, that's funny. Y'all should ask mom and dad. I'm really grateful for lesbians.
Yeah. And I think. a lesbian should be president of the United States. And I believe that wholeheartedly. Oh, I completely agree. I mean, we've said that for at least a year. Like things just work better with the lesbian in charge.
And the pantsuits alone would be worth it. The pantsuits alone. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. What's going on on the internet and our reviews and all of the things?
I've got some reviews for you. We haven't hit 12K yet.
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Chapter 6: What do the hosts think about forced family meals?
BlueNile.com. Let's move along. We have some reports from the neighborhood apps. It's one of my favorites. Okay. Somebody posts, my friend and I were walking through Washington Park when I spotted a man with a pair of tight gray biking shorts jogging. I don't know why my eyes look directly at his crotch.
But this man in his tight gray biker shorts had the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life. I was in complete disbelief. I was tickled, but also in shock. He was really big. LOL. When did you post this? Did she post this on her Instagram? Angela Dawn. Yes, when I was in Washington Park. We were just in Washington Park last weekend. We went to dinner in the West Village.
This is so funny.
Hang on. I've got to get it out. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone except Phil. Every one of you except Phil are wonderful neighbors. I'm happy to be a part of this community. Fuck you, Phil. Nobody has gratitude for you, asshole. Which begs the question, we need more contacts. What did Phil do? That's all I need. That's all I need. I want less information about Phil. Except Phil. Okay.
We have another poster on the Nextdoor app that says... Please get your dogs circumcised. Every dog I've seen lately is it. And I want them all to go to heaven. Wow. All right. Wow. How post pooping sounds on South 42nd Avenue. Did anyone hear these noises? Can anyone identify these noises? And he wrote pooping sounds, which obviously meant popping.
I was thinking like somebody was going like, you know, those far end of the arm things. Yeah.
All right. Another poster here says, Why are all of these cars parked at the entrance to our neighborhood? Apparently, it is some kind of walk your kid to school day, and our neighborhood is closest to the school. These folks drove to our neighborhood, parked their cars, and walked three more blocks to the school, pretending they walked the whole way. Great message to send to your kids.
Shakes my head. Why not just thumb your nose at the whole thing and drive your car right up to the school and walk your kid to school day? And they added a photograph.
This is a perfect example of why do you fucking care? I mean, they walked their kids to school, BFD. Who cares? Shut up.
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Chapter 7: What unique gifts can you find at Uncommon Goods?
Everywhere. Although I do say happy holidays. At least I really try. You do? Because I had a bad experience in law school with it, and I've just been very conscientious. Oh, I remember this from last year. Yeah, I'm very conscientious to say happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas.
You know what? You're just woke Angela Dawn.
I'm just the dawning of an angel woke. A woke angel. A meemaw drag woke angel. That's exactly what you are. Okay.
These... G word, darn woke liberals driving up the gas prices. Kroger's gas station on Hurstbourne is $3.21 a gallon. I remember when gasoline was 30 cents. Gasoline is spelled G-A-S-A-L-E-E-N. And so then somebody comments, A simple Google search explains what controls the price of gas, and it has nothing to do with, quote, woke liberals.
And then the original poster posts back to that person and says, Google is liberals. And then the other person types back to the person that misspelled gasoline and says, Google is a search engine, not a person. Yeah. Then somebody else chimes in. Google is not an engine. It is in the computer. I would know if my computer had an engine. It does not take gas. Uh-uh. Yes, read it.
Stop. Do you think they were being facetious? No. No. I would know if my computer had an engine. It does not take gas. Fuck you. So...
Okay. This time of year, I grab weeds while I'm walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood, specifically because there is a woman on next door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same. Fucking love her. Profile and courage. Love her right there. You know what I have gratitude for? Her.
Her little witchcraft wreaths. That's trolling some old crazy lady.
She's fucking all over it. I'll tell you this. I walk my dog and I'm not the most coordinated person. But do you think you could walk and weave like with weeds? I mean, that takes some coordination, I think. That's impressed. I'm impressed with her across the board. Don't sell yourself short.
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