Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Rampant, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? You're here. You did it. Congratulations to all of you. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Game Time, Squarespace, and Liquid Death. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody.
Hey!
How exciting. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? That is indeed... Charles Reed joining us on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa on the horns, joining us from the Zac Brown Band. They're on tour doing football stadiums all around the world. This is the one and only Matt Muehling on the electric guitar.
The return of our dear leader, back from absolute chaos with Gary Clark Jr. all around the world. John Deese is back, everybody. And of course, the thriving, pumping stem cell machine of a backbone that we have, our bass player D-Madness is here. How exciting. What an episode we have lined up for you tonight.
Before we begin, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show? God damn it. Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth on this show this week. No different. Two legends of guesting on Kill Tony.
From the Impractical Jokers and the Legion of Skanks, make some noise for Sal Volcano and Luis J. Gomez. God damn it. Play some music, you fucking motherfuckers. What are you guys doing? Horns Only? Okay. I don't know whose idea Horns Only was, but I'll take it. Is that because Lewis is Puerto Rican? Well, okey-dokey.
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Chapter 2: How does Tony Hinchcliffe introduce the guests?
Jesus Christ, dude. There they are. There they are. Welcome back, guys. Sal, hello, hello. Good to be here. What's up, everybody? What's up, Austin? We love you. You're back. Been on the show multiple times. Life is good. I watch Impractical Jokers every time I'm on the road. I get Mario Lopez the fuck off my TV at those hotels.
He haunts every hotel room around the fucking world, and I immediately put on true TV watching Impractical Jokers. Yeah, I listen to Lopez, actually, but... I bet. But I know somebody who watches their own stuff. That's Luis J. Gomez, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, doggies? He's back. Let's go. He's back. I'm back. This is, I think, my 14th Kill Tony appearance.
Yeah, you are riding high up there with all-time appearances from a guest. I'm very excited that you're back, and we're doing something special tonight. You guys may know that Luis J. Gomez runs the, literally, the undisputed now greatest comedy festival in the world, Skankfest. Woo!
And tonight he has informed me with all of his good power and grace that he will be awarding one comedian a chance to perform at Skankfest. So someone tonight is going to, could be a regular, could be a golden ticket winner, could be someone out of the bucket. It could be Red Band. Who knows? We'll see what happens.
It's going to be a crazy night, I'll tell you right now. But not only just perform, Tony, they're going to perform on the elite shows. They're going to be on the shows with you. They're going to be on the shows with fucking Shane Gillis, fucking Mark Norman, and fucking Big J. These are going to be big shows, and we're going to put them up in a suite in Vegas.
We're going to fly them out. We're going to give them the VIP experience. How about that?
It's going to be wild.
Is that fucking cool or what? Luis J. Gomez contributing to the show. Sal?
I also have every season on DVD for whoever...
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Chapter 3: What special opportunity does Luis J. Gomez offer to a comedian?
Yes. I mean, because of the accent, you feel like, okay, maybe you're still getting... But then you just have such self-awareness, and then you pull out something like purple bacon, which... I've never heard of in my entire life, but... I heard a black guy say it, so... It's really... Okay. Yeah, that'll do you good. Just repeat everything you hear from them. Black guys are so funny.
They are.
I would say anything. Black guys are by default like six years into comedy.
Absolutely. By default. I completely agree with you. They are also the very best roasters in the world, naturally. Looking like a motherfucking... Yeah, shit, you gay. Looking like a motherfucking gay-ass motherfucker. Looking like a... That's what they say, and it's the best setup for it. Looking like a... Looking like a motherfucking... It's like a speed bag.
Looking like a motherfucking... It just lands every time. They don't need the white guy like, you know what you look like, mister. They fucking... Looking like a motherfucking... It's unbelievable. The only person who doesn't do good looking like a jokes, D Madness. Because he has no fucking idea. Yeah! Smelling like a motherfucking purple bacon. We're having fun here. Ari. Thank you.
Thank you, D. Luis J. Gomez. Look, I think Ari's great. He's super charming. I hung out with him a couple nights in a row right now. And you know what, dude? I really like you, despite you being an actual Nazi.
He told me that.
He told me that behind closed doors.
Yes. I've heard he's very popular here now.
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Chapter 4: What happens when the first comedian is pulled from the bucket?
Okay, let's talk about it. It's okay, Jesus. This is what we do. Now you're a guest on a podcast and there's nothing interesting about you except for this part. So we got to find out about it, Jesus. Sal, you want to take a guess? I think it's beating a woman.
I don't know why I think that. Just a minute of straight clues. As a feminist, you're a feminist, yeah? Yes, I am. It's odd. It's odd, yeah.
I feel like he just did his thing. It was a gay guy.
Remember I talked about the Jason... Stop saying member and fucking be present. It was... I worked at a video arcade that had glory holes.
And there was a night that a gay guy just got a little too...
First of all, it is kind of crazy that I don't remember this at all. I have to acknowledge the fact that this show is so nuts and it's so hard to host that I have to just digest shit and let it go. You would think I would remember, especially me as a super gay man, that there was an arcade with glory holes. This sounds like so much fun. You could fucking Pac-Man and Pac-A-Man at the same time.
This is absolutely incredible. Oh, looks like I just achieved a new level. You know what that sound means. Okay, so Jesus, you're working at an arcade where there's glory holes. First of all, what are you doing? Hopefully not the J-Mopper. I am the Jizz Mopper. Are you really? I swear to God.
Well, he wore the outfit tonight, so.
Hold on. I am the Jizz Mopper, yeah. You promise you're not being funny, right?
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Chapter 5: What humorous insights does Luis J. Gomez share about his personal life?
And it's unfortunate, because my wife is amazing at sex, or so I've heard.
I don't know if that's true or not. Well, you hear the other comics talk, and... I'm kidding, I'm joking. My wife has never fucked a comedian.
And by the way, I'm sorry if that ruins your perception of me when you saw me walk through that curtain. If you were like, man, I bet this guy can lay some pipe. No. Turns out, not so much. I just always... And now it's gotten even worse now that I'm in my 40s.
And I know I look a little young for my age, but that's because I'm a health nut. And... They say black don't crack while obese don't crease. So... That's...
I just always thought when I got older, you know, big fat body, big fat cock. And no, I don't know why my grandma told me that. Thank you guys. Wow. Another golden ticket winner showing The difference between a normal human being and a golden ticket winner. Luis J. Gomez. I mean, if you are not the exact polar opposite of Pierre... Yeah.
I mean, that was the... It was like he walked out, you walked out. That was crazy, dude.
We were back there with Heidi, and she, for whatever reason, was closer to him. I don't know. Right. Yeah. I did find out earlier that I got to start eating Chinese pussy, so that's... That's something. That is true. You have a lot of Chinese pussy to eat. I've been doing half of that for a long time. Hell yeah. Eating Chinese. I don't know. Never mind. All right.
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Chapter 6: What was the story behind Luis's kidney stone experience?
There you go. Tony, back to you. I love it. You are just as funny as I remember you and bigger than I recall. Dude, I have lost so much weight since the last time I was here. I was here over a year ago, and I've lost three and a half pounds since then. So come on. Wow. Incredible. That's a good shit. Whoa, look at that. Oh my God, he can shake those things. That is incredible.
Those are the biggest shaking tits I've ever seen. I would almost, I want to call them pecs, but I mean, they're so far under there that I have to call them tits. Well, you know, they're just, they're what they call man boobs. But I like the man part of it. Right. Very manly, right? You see it. You're really close. This guy's scared to death. If I fall, he's dead. Yeah.
Chapter 7: How does the episode address the topic of relationships and breakups?
Yeah. You didn't know this was the danger zone right here. Do anything come out of those tits? If you squeeze it, does muscle milk come out or something? Like, what happens exactly? Does muscle milk come out of it? Is that what you're asking me? Yeah. I've said this before. I actually, I had a medical issue, believe it or not. I had a kidney stone.
And people say that when a man has a kidney stone, it's more painful than when a woman gives birth to a child. Yeah. I love it. There's a Latina lady with 16 kids that begs to differ over here. Oh my God. See, I don't know if it's true or not, but I do know I started lactating. That's how painful. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Just right straight out. I was a squirter.
So you passed the kidney stone? I passed the kidney, well no, I had to go to the hospital because the kidney stone, this will be fun for you guys, the kidney stone was actually stuck right at the very tip of my dick and it couldn't come out. And they had to actually, you'll actually love this, I went to the hospital. I will love it? What, they have to suck it out of you or something?
Fuck you guys.
Chapter 8: What comedic moments arise from the interactions with audience members?
Thank you, lady. Some lady's just flipping me off. Literally got mad. Okay, go ahead. Every time I'm in the green room, I can never find you, and I have to look down here to make sure. Oh, you son of a bitch. That's where I was. I was sucking the fattest guy's cock. So what happened with your kidney stone? So I had to go to the hospital.
They had to have... The doctor told me he needed the nurse to come in and help him get it out.
And she... Yeah, because it was a kidney boulder.
Dude, you have no idea. Dude, this chick came in, and this is the sexiest woman I've ever seen. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. My wife can eat a dick. This chick was so fucking hot.
Mm-hmm.
And I thought like, you know, she was going to come in. I think your wife would eat a dick, but it looks like you've eaten all of them already. Coming from someone who's eaten his share. Shut up. Shut up or else I'm going to come out there and suck all of your cock. Watch it, he'll do it. He'll do it. I'll do it. Don't you fucking say another peep. Stop laughing. All right. Do it.
One guy goes, do it. One guy's got his cock out over there. I love it. Hey, do it. Hey, do it. Go suck my dick, dude. Sal's moving farther and farther away from you, I noticed. It's okay. It's okay. All right, let's go. Yeah, so he had the nurse come in and help him. And I was wondering what she was gonna do to my dick, because she was really hot.
And it turns out what she was there for, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but what she was there for was she had to actually physically get under my gut and shove it out of the way so the doctor could get in with pliers and pull it out the tip of my dick, yeah. Oh, my God. They didn't use, like, lasers or anything like that? Nope. What? Sal? They don't teach that in medical school.
That's an on-the-job thing right there.
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