Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.
This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.
Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Vein coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Etchka!
Who's ready for the best spuckin' night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hello. Goddamn. Oh, shit. Mama, we made it. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Squarespace, Blue Chew, PrizePix, GameTime, and Talkspace. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Goddamn. There's something else.
Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, and Raul Vallejo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Sean Greenberg on the guitar tonight. John Deese on the keys. And this right here is the undeniable D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. We have such a fun show lined up before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. All right, you guys ready to start the damn show, huh?
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Chapter 2: What makes Kill Tony a unique live podcast experience?
Two of the funniest comedians in the world tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The fun never ends here. It is the return of a great guest and the debut of another great guest. These are two guests that I can't believe we're lucky enough to have on this same episode. We're about to have so much goddamn fun as I introduce to you two of the best. It's Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher. Fuck yeah.
We got another chair. We got a second chair. Wave to the people. You threw your shit out already? It was so fast. There's a chair. Fuck yeah. One more time for Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher. They're on tour. IanBagg.com, TylerFisher.com. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I apologize, I didn't bring merch.
Tyler, what the fuck did you just throw out to the crowd there? All small. Some hats. I'm shadow banned on the internet. You're not even shadow banned for your shit, so you got to spell it out. You got to write it all out now or you're not going to find it. I love it. You got it. All socials, at Ty the Fish. F-I-S-C-H. I'm still wearing Jordan Peterson's gay shirt from last time, by the way.
I love it. Well, welcome back. Tyler, you've been on this show once before. Ian Bagg, this is your first time. Yes. Welcome, Ian. We're going to have so much goddamn fun tonight. Uh-huh. Yes. Over 280 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show. That's real. Yeah, it's in the bucket here. And they are all at a bar across the street.
If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them, and they have to wrap it up then. And that's it. You want to pull the first name tonight, sir? Look at that.
Yes!
Right off the top there. Yeah, go ahead. Take it. Get them. And yeah, that's it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While they go wrangle that comedian from across the street, we have a golden ticket winner that is here to get the show started tonight. It's been a while since we saw him.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with a brand new 60 Seconds, one of the most adorable creatures to ever hit the stage here on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the... Top, young, very young, rising. And by rising, I mean he's not growing anymore. Comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Heath Cordes, everybody.
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Chapter 3: Who are the special guests introduced in this episode?
No, it's not.
I had a feeling. I had a feeling. Yeah. Was she a nurse?
No, I... That's my kink. I'm a, you know... I'm a nurse.
What do you mean, that's your kink? Yeah! You fucking look like a child. Everything's your fucking kink. Yeah. Like, just doing it.
That's fucking kinky. Like, you should be doing homework, and then fucking you're doing it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap, but that guy's a kid. Tyson was here. He would hold you, fucking, and tease you and fucking tickle you. Hell yeah. I'm not mad at you. I'm just like, fucking, I'm upset that I don't look like you.
If Biden was here, he'd be sucking on your toes right now. It's true. It's true. It's not a joke. It's not a joke. Come on. Those are the longest toes I've ever seen. He looks like he has long toes. You look like you were born from pre-cum.
I...
I can say that because I was. Solidarity, man. Look at that. Jeffrey Dahmer when he was six. I love it. So Heath, you have your heart broken. How did she let you know? Did she tell you face to face that it's over or what? No, it was through text.
It was through text.
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Chapter 4: What are the experiences shared by the guests during the show?
He's unbelievably adorable. So tell me a little bit more about Puerto Rico. Was there any other highlights? Did the gig go good? What exactly did they pay you to do? They, uh... Red band. Oh, fuck. For the love of God. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, Red Band. Just give it a little bit of time. Okay. Just a couple more weeks. Nobody heard the joke. They don't even have electricity there.
Well, now they're going to rewind it. Okay. Son of a fucking bitch. No, don't hide. Don't hide now. The electricity did go out like three times. Okay. Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this. God damn it. Can you say anything else about fucking all of Puerto Rico?
It didn't smell like garbage.
Okay. All right. That's it. That's it. This interview's over. Ladies, Heath, anything else to say? Are you done? I mean, it depends on you. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Depends on you.
Kill Tony! There he goes, Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go. Time for the bucket. Heath, put that mic back where you got it from, you little misbehavior, you. All right, your first bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit, there's the lovely Heidi. How about one more time for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? It has begun.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Matt Rivera, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go, Matt Rivera.
People have been telling me lately that they don't think I'm very nice, so I'm trying to be more supportive. Like, a friend of mine recently came out as bisexual. That was weird. But he made an Instagram post about it. Did you guys know that it's not supportive to comment, I fucking knew it? But I'm not perfect either, like, I like tomboys, which is a type of girl.
I'm serious, but it's still a weird thing to come out and say to your guy friends, especially if one of them is named Tom. I think, okay, delivery could be simple, like, I like Tom boys, but no, I'm worried I'm gonna fuck up and be like, I like Tom boys. It was even worse than I thought. Because I was drunk, I was just like, I like boys, Tom. Thank you.
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Chapter 5: What handyman skills does the guest showcase?
Just mounting TVs. And high heels. It's better money. Yeah. Yeah.
What from? What were you doing before?
I finished a big painting job today, and I mow lawns and put furniture. Task rabbit. Okay. So you're a Mexican. Yeah.
And you just started transitioning today? No, no, no.
When I moved here, I just found the job on ZipRecruiter. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Shout out. Absolutely. We absolutely love ZipRecruiter. No doubt about it.
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Chapter 6: What personal experiences does the guest share about sobriety?
Oh, the smartest way to hire.
All right. What do you do for fun at nighttime, Taylor? What's your nightlife like? Well, I'm sober because I used to smoke a lot of crack cocaine, and I don't do that anymore. There it is. Wow.
Woo!
Yeah, that last guy doesn't have fucking shit on me. Grow up and smoke crack like an adult. Yeah. How did you end up smoking crack? How does that happen? Oh, you see Wolf of Wall Street? What?
Chapter 7: How did the guest's first experience with crack happen?
Wolf of Wall Street. I really loved cocaine in college. And then when I was drunk, I saw Wolf of Wall Street. And when they smoked crack in Wolf of Wall Street, drunk me, I was like, that looks like a fuckload of fun. And then I went home from college. I'm from Columbus, Ohio. And I went to Ohio State. Go Buckeyes. And I came out of a blackout, and I asked this guy if he knew where to get crack.
And then the- You tried crack for the first time from a random guy in Columbus, Ohio? Yes, a homeless guy. So you smoked it, a homeless guy. You smoke crack, what happens? Take us through the process, please. The first time I smoked crack, so it's like a young homeless black man, he seemed like my age, and I'm like, do you know where to get crack? He takes me to the bad part of-
uh high street which is like uh-huh yeah and then he takes me to a tall lanky black guy and i give him money and he could have walked away with the money but crackheads are very honorable and he comes back oh yeah he comes back with the crack and we smoke it and then like somehow i get a gaggle of like homeless guys and we're walking down the street
And we go into a, I go into a convenience store because I want some water because Coke and crack makes you very thirsty. And I like, they start asking me for money and shit, and I don't want to deal with this. So I'm walking out of the gas station, and there's another guy walking to his car, and then like, oh, yo, pretend I'm with you.
Chapter 8: What humorous anecdotes does the guest share about their family?
And I get in their car, and we speed off. And then these guys are like, yo, what'd you get into tonight? And I'm like, well, I smoked crack for the first time. And then they're like, well, you want to smoke some more? So... Okay, okay. So then what happened? He dropped me back off at my friend's fraternity house at 6 a.m. Fifth Street, Sixth Street. Did you love it? Drunk B loves it. Okay.
Sober me. It's bad. It's bad at the end. It's fun. It's fun for the first 30 minutes. And then it's. Let me ask you this. How soon after that did you want to do it again? Every time I got drunk until I got it under control this time. Yeah. So you kept like and you would drink almost every night. No, it was more like I'm like a binger. Like I'll relapse and then I'll binge for like a week.
And I went to the psych ward recently and that was bad. I was being too naughty. What the fuck? Yeah, it sounds like it. What do you guys think? Are you sending comedians from a homeless shelter across the street?
Just shipping them across 6th Street? Now, do people know you're a handyman when you're working? Or are you a crackhead that's breaking into the house?
Okay, I am the guy on the corner with the windshield wiper just trying to wash people's windshields.
That's not what I said.
There's nothing crazier than a cracked out little white guy breaking into your house. Can I mount your TV?
But he's honorable.
He's an honorable crackhead.
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