Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world. Snuggle up. Stay warm. December 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored Kill Tony's live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas.
This is a new super annual amazing event. It is our biggest two-night event of the year, and we're super excited about it. It is on sale now. KillTonyLive.com. Get it for your loved ones. Get it for yourself. Love it or hate it. Live. December 30th and 31st.
Hey, this is Red Vein coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony!
Let's go!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Welcome here at the number one live podcast in the world. How the fuck we feeling tonight, huh? Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa.
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Chapter 2: What exciting events are coming up for Kill Tony?
Esteban Viejo. Juan Cortez. Michael Gonzalez. Matt Muehling on the electric, John Dees on the keys, and Deep Madness on the bass guitar. The whole family is here, everyone. Very, very excited about tonight's episode. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh? Well, well, well. We're all here. And, you know, this is just one of those episodes that it's just nothing can stop its momentum. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Two of the funniest humans. Two of our true brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in the history of the show.
Two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is Sam Talent and Ari Shaffir. The greatest, powerful Ari Shaffir. Sam Tallent, live in the flesh. Ari Shaffir, fully clothed tonight. You gotta love it.
Turn over a new leaf. I don't do that anymore. It's childish.
I love it. I love it. We've been through a lot together. We've seen a lot of each other. and it is good to have you back. Thanks, buddy. It's hard to concentrate. I see a lot of cleavage right that way, and it's going to be difficult. Those are some little beautiful little buttermilk biscuits right there. Absolutely fantastic. Front row. Right in the front.
Wait, I got to tie my shoe real quick. Okay, got it.
Oh, her laces are untied too, Ari. You might have to go tie her shoes. They're right there, huh? They're going to be there all night long. I could throw a little joke book right in there right now. No doubt about it. I could probably throw a big joke book in there. Oh, she's fixing it.
She's no fun.
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Chapter 3: Who are the featured guests on tonight's episode?
I am praying to God I can convince Red Band to come to my parents' house at Christmas. Now, Red Band, y'all, grew up in not the best situation. He hates Christmas. And let's keep that between us. It's really not a good time for him. Again, he grew up in, like, this really poor family, and he wouldn't get presents or anything. So the guy hates Christmas. So I'm trying to...
Get him to come to Memphis. Come on, Red Band. Is anybody in your family allergic to cats by any chance? Because I don't know if you know this, but Red Band literally is covered in cat hair, everybody. I don't know if you see that, but there it goes, a little gift. A little gift for the audience. Oh, she's going to catch it. There it is. Yeah!
Welcome to another episode of Fucking Disgusting with your superstar, Brian Redband, where Tony picks things off a redband and throws it in the crowd.
Red Van hates Christmas because the cookies are for Santa. Yeah.
You have to leave Santa some breast milk. Oh, yeah, your algorithm's fucked. Yeah, we get on Red Band's fucking phone one night, and Mitzi's after this, and we're all joking around about what our Instagram algorithms are, and I swear to God, Red Band gets his up, and it's all women and their children breastfeeding. Wait, look at that one. That's like an eight-year-old kid. I couldn't believe it.
That's a fully grown kid. Wow. Oh, my God. What a fucking loophole. God, it's still that way, Redman?
It's unbelievable. Oh, my God!
It is unbelievable. Sometimes the babies are dolls. Yeah. And it's full-grown adults. There's, like, an 11-year-old on one of the ones he just had out. Which leads me to my point. Sir, if you suck on her... All right, this is out of control. Even D-Madness is like, I can't even look at this shit anymore. All right, we're having fun. You really want Red Band to come over for Christmas?
Yeah, Red Band, are y'all going to come? Why do you want Red Band to come? I think you'd have a good time. What are you looking forward to the most?
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Chapter 4: What personal stories are shared by the guests?
I didn't find it to be the standout, terrible feature about you.
What was number five?
Greasy hair. Thank you. It's unbelievably unwashed. It's unkept, especially for a big show like this. It's like you have helmet head. Right?
I gotta take that off before I come over here.
Looks like you haven't washed it since your improv days. Erica, where do you live?
Right now, I'm just mobile, but we're going to move here in Austin at the end of the month. You live in your car? We live in an Airbnb. Okay. Yeah. We were doing basement travel between the relatives, so I was in Atlanta for a month. When you say basement travel, what does that mean?
I've never heard of that before.
Right? Well, I have a lot of relatives, and we just go between aunts. So I have an aunt in Georgia that we're living in the basement, and before that, my parents' basement.
So there's a lot of basements going on. That must be what adds that dewy moisture to the hair that I'm noticing. Right on.
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Chapter 5: What are the weight predictions for Ari Shafir?
412 is actually what my initial guess was going to be. So we're going prices right?
Should I go shoes on or shoes off? That's the fat guy move. I was going to ask you. That's really going to go over the top.
Should I take away the .7? shoes hey we should we should weigh the shoes first and then i'll get them i'll put them back on i'm gonna go three nine zero here okay i'll read it to you when you step on 420 for ari that's a safe bet i'll take the under i'll take 377 377 a very optimistic pick that is by the great sam talent
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here, live, in front of everyone, the scale is being activated by the great Ari Shafir.
Chapter 6: What happens when Ari steps on the scale?
Yoni has brought an iPhone close to the stage. Ari at 196. And this is one of those moments we will never forget. As J.P. Hinsdale... Oh! The scale is making... Oh!
Oh!
Take your shoes off! Oh, my God. Take your shoes off!
Chapter 7: How does Ari feel about his weight reveal?
The scale is freaking out.
My God.
The scale just freaked out. Ladies and gentlemen, 437 pounds. Oh, my God.
Wow. R6 wants some things.
This explains a few things. JP, please. Just a couple of things it explains.
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Chapter 8: What are the comedic exchanges about weight and fitness?
I beg of you to wait at least a couple months before killing yourself. Don't do it the night that this episode comes out. I'm so far along. Let's just let nature take its course. Just take note that everybody underbid, including Ari's extremely bold 420. It was flaring on every inhale and exhale. It was going up Between about 435 and 442.
But I probably lost 10 just coming up here, so.
Well.
It was going up and down the scale. I'll take the win, you know.
At some point the scale said, what the fuck, man.
Yeah. It said humans only. Oh my God. You should have taken your hat and glasses off. I know, man. Yeah. Have you ever weighed in nude? Yes. Yeah, that's fucked. I've done that. Yeah, but it makes me sad for other reasons. Yeah, yeah. Because all the fucking young doctors come in to laugh. Yeah, yeah. It's fucked, man.
Dude, you're 70 pounds heavier than you thought you were. Yes. Yeah. That is a big deal. That's one Tony.
It's been a little bit rough, too. It's true. It's been a little bit rough on the therapy, and it's, you know, it happens. It's been rough on the bones and joints, too.
Yeah.
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