Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
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Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Brilliant right there. And indeed, that is the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony Band.
Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrano. We have the great Dave Shearer joining us on guitar tonight. unbelievable local musician, the great John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that's the real deal. D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. That is not Drewski in blacker face. That is actual...
D-Madness, this episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Blue Chew Prize Picks and Zippix, delicious nicotine toothpicks. Who's a smoker in here? Any smokers in here? Anybody smoke? There you go, have one. Here, have one of those. Nibble on one of those during the episode and all your nicotine worries go away. Zip more. Smoke last with Zippix. Fuck yeah.
We just got in. We're fresh off of Los Angeles, live last night. The roast of Kevin Hart was something else, huh? It's the first time I've been called a Nazi multiple times in just a few hours. I guess that's what L.A. writers' rooms, all these... A lot of mentally ill liberals out there that somehow with all these fucking... blacks and Jews and Mexicans around me.
I guess I'm a fucking Nazi somehow. I guess the guy that pulls names out of a bucket giving everybody an opportunity is a Nazi. Isn't that something? I was called that by a bunch of people that have never written anything in their lives that literally have just been reading cue cards and teleprompters every project they've ever done with the inability to improvise whatsoever.
No opportunity to have their own thought. They just read what the writers wrote for them without any originality whatsoever. And the writers I used to work with, there's a few great writers in that writer's room, and the rest of them are just living in a bubble of mental illness, and it's very exciting. But I mean, most of it, you know what I mean?
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Chapter 2: How does the roast of Kevin Hart influence the comedians?
A lot of scary dreams. And if you guys get blacked out last night, you guys... Look on that. That guy made this face like... Still hurting. I know, I know. They don't cheer so loud. It was so rough. I looked like... I woke up looking like Chelsea Handler. That's how rough... That's how rough my night was.
I just had, like, that Botox-swollen, inflamed face that just, you know, seems like you used to be successful 15 years ago, and you're not anymore. You know what I mean? I just, like, felt like that. Worst feeling. Thank God, then I just took a two-hour nap and I was back to being one of the best in the world, and shoot. No, I'm kidding. Shut up. You guys know how this show works.
Over 200 innocent souls signed up for this. Some of them could be the next great comedian of planet Earth. All of our regulars and golden ticket winners were found out of this bucket. Could happen. Could be a completely insane person, a lazy writer that didn't really give any effort. Anything can happen. They get 60 seconds. Son, I'm interrupting you.
You know the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. And then they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. I conduct an interview with them. The entire thing is live and improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm going to let this Thai lady boy pick the first name out of the bucket.
Hell yeah. I'm not a lady boy. I know. Sit down. There you go. All right, and while that happens, I'm going to bring up one of the great regulars of the show's history. Here to do a brand new minute. He does it every fucking week. Not easy to do. It takes balls, courage. This guy's got it all, and here he goes again.
Here with a brand new minute to get us started while we wrangle that first bucket pool. Make some noise for the great former Dark Storm of Atlanta, now the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. This is a new set from Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. I love Latino people. I grew up part Mexican in high school.
My best friend was Mexican, so I was, like, raised, like, that's where I learned Spanish from. Like, I don't really know, like, chore Spanish, or I know, like, certain actions. Like, when his mama say, pinche, you duck, right? You know what I'm saying? That means duck in Spanish. And if you hear pinche cabron, that means duck and run. And Spanish.
And then I continued that love through my life with my jobs and I worked. Now I speak a different kind of Spanish. It's called steel-toed non-slip Spanish. It's like you gotta work at construction sites and they speak a different kind of Spanish because it's mostly just sound effects. Like, are you Spanish, sir? You Mexican? Did you? Correct me if I'm wrong. And Spanish means socket wrench.
Right, that means soccer ring. They would be like, they'd be like, Moreno, you ain't gonna get a, and then. You know, cause that means you gotta drill it out. That's drill in Spanish and it means like, hey, I need you to pay attention to me. This is good. Am I wrong about that, guys? Am I correct about that?
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Chapter 3: What insights are shared about the comedy scene and personal experiences?
It's no good.
That's my time. Thank y'all. I love y'all. Cedric Flynn doing a minute 30 seconds. Toughest job in the business, and you never just do the bare minimums. You did an extra 30 seconds, a whole extra half a set of new material there. That is all true. That checks out. That is. The horn players and Michael Gonzalez agree with you.
They're still laughing.
They're laughing. The hungover Mexican guy is laughing. This is all true. Did you say you were on a work site? Where did you come up with all this? I used to build car washes. And so, like, my general idea. And I worked there. Why is that silly? Chris is laughing very hard at the fact that you built car washes. Snoop Dogg worked at a car wash. If you build a car wash, Mexicans will come.
It's like Field of Dreams for them. They're good at it. So what does it take to build a car wash? Was it like you just had worked for a company that only built car washes? They built their own, and I was a GM there too, so I had to go through the whole building process, like putting in the PVC pipes, bolting all the frames, because it's like one of those automatic car washes.
You liked it because there was a lot of hoes? Yeah, I love, I love, there was tons of hoes. At the car wash, bro, there's... Car wash joke, that's a hose. Any girl that go through a breakup, she's bringing her car through the car wash to get this nigga out of her car. She's got to vacuum up all his cigarettes. Talking about a water hose. Did anyone not get my hose joke?
Still seems like I haven't gotten what I deserve for the... A lot of hoes. So a lot of hoes. Because it's a car wash. Okay, thank you. That's what I needed. I needed a hand clap from this beautiful, one of the hottest Down Syndrome women I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm a little vicious, sorry. I'm still in roast mode. It's been a crazy weekend. And you did great.
Why do they keep calling you racist? That don't make no sense, because if you are, you're bad at it. You can't keep changing all these. You changed my life. You never learned how to be racist. I noticed there was a theme, and they very rarely talked about how wildly successful my show is, because it's on a different streaming company. So I think they weren't allowed to make fun of
Kill Tony even though we worked we work with them For at least up multiple episodes a year, but I don't think they like mentioning YouTube I don't think Netflix and YouTube get along very well. We always play nice. I never mention YouTube on a net I never say we have hundreds of episodes available on YouTube on the Netflix episodes and
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Chapter 4: How do the comedians react to the audience and each other's performances?
Yeah, it doesn't... It sucks. And you want to get into comedy? Your life's great. Yeah. What the fuck are you doing? You're living an endless summer. Surfing and lifeguarding. Stay away. It's true. I've never heard of an energy drink that sounds like Slater or Jake. Did you, like, mess that up? Was Jake planned? Well, you know, I thought the Slater, yeah, I don't know. You don't know?
Well, the Slater, it just sounds like they've all got X's and Z's and Zephyr and, you know, it just like keeps going. And then, but there's like so many Jakes. In your world, I think there's a lot of Jakes. Like a picture. What's up? My name's Jake. What's your name? All right. Ivy, fun times. Here's a little joke book. You got the first bucket pool. You are the first bucket pool of the night.
Thank you. Keep doing it if you love it. I mean, you got a lot of work to do, Ivy. Thank you. You're about as funny as a fucking plastic cup. But chase your dreams. I love you. Red band. You can't say things like that.
Oh.
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Chapter 5: What health transformation did the guest experience with their diet?
It's unbelievable. Subway shit. It's amazing. Yeah, totally. That totally worked back then. That wasn't false advertising whatsoever. That Jared guy was super honest. You can trust him with your anything. I love it. Greg McCowan. Yeah. What's the... You ever gotten in trouble with the law? Why do you ask, Tony? I've asked everybody that. Specifically me, though?
I've been asking everybody all night. Oh, shit. Let me think. Let me think. I got caught selling weed before. Oh, wow. In Dallas? Yeah, in Dallas. By the police? Yep, by the police.
Chapter 6: What legal troubles has the guest faced in the past?
How did they catch you? How did they catch you? Was it a sting operation? No, no, no. They just profiled me. They literally just profiled me. They was like, yeah, he's a young black guy walking back. Like, I was walking from the bus stop with a backpack on. He was like, yeah, you match the description. Yeah. And he's like, you got me. Yeah. You caught me black-handed. Yeah, literally. Literally.
Goddamn, how much weed did you have on you? ballpark. I don't need the exactly. I don't really want to disclose that. Why? Is the case still open? It's not still open.
Chapter 7: How did the guest meet their girlfriend?
It's been dropped and shit. You don't want them to pick it up. You don't want them to spontaneously pick it back up. Yeah, somebody watch this and be like, yeah, you know, it comes back to light. Yeah, cold case files. Here's that motherfucker. So many criminals are caught here being pulled out of the bucket on Kill Tony. Caught many a people. Greg, you got a girlfriend right now?
What's your love life like? Yeah, I got a girlfriend. Like I said, it's been a couple weeks. Oh, that's real.
Okay, so it's a couple weeks.
Where'd you meet her at? I met her here in Austin. Where in Austin? Bar on 6th Street. Just a random bar. Just a random bar. And there you were. Did you go up to her? Did she come up to you? I went up to her. What'd you say? What was your big opening line? I'll fuck your cereal. That was my second line. The first line was like, what are you drinking?
So before I know to put my dick in it, I want to know exactly what it is I'm putting my dick in.
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Chapter 8: What is the guest's perspective on their career in comedy?
Cocoa puffs. Is it a black girl or a white girl? Yeah, it's a black girl. Okay. Is she a little thicker? Slim. Slim.
Slim.
Slim Bill. She works out and stuff. Okay. Very good. What does she do for work? Right now, she actually left Austin to go to Chicago. She just went to Chicago. And basically now she works at like a Marriott. Okay. Yeah, she had to just like find a job. In Chicago? Yeah, in Chicago now. It's been like a couple days now. I'm with you, Chris. I'm pretty sure we're realizing before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're still together. You guys talk on your, like, cricket phone or something? My pigeon. No, I'm just playing. Oh, no. We FaceTime and stuff. Nice. Do you guys ever have phone sex while FaceTiming? Oh, yeah.
You do?
100%, yeah. You do. Now, when you're When you're having supposed like FaceTime sex, how do you do that? I have a bowl of cereal with me. No, but seriously, do you like hold it in one hand? Yeah, I hold the bowl in one hand. All right, let's take the cereal out of it. I know you love a good fucking cereal joke, but... In real life, because I find that to be very interesting, right?
It's hard to hold a phone. How do you do it? Do you have any special ways to? You just got to hold it from different angles, bro. You got to catch everything. You know what I'm saying? You're dealing with the front camera, so you got to get it from here, and then you got to sideways so it looks bigger on the way. Do you really think you're going to stay together?
I can't entertain that. This is crazy. We both love food and cereal, bro.
Yes, I believe we're definitely gonna. She moved to Chicago. You work at a chicken salad place. Yeah. You met at a bar on Sixth Street. She works at a Marion. Yeah. He even agreed with y'all. How'd you end up with an Irish last name? Huh? How did I? Yeah. I have no idea, bro. You're going to have to ask my dad on that one. He literally named me after himself. He probably stole it. Like, right?
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