E213 - Matthew Hussey: The Patterns Blocking You From Love (& What To Do)
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What sparked Matthew Hussey’s shift from dating tactics to emotional regulation?
If we had kids together,
me and you,
you and me, and I died, would I feel great about the values my kids would be subjected to? You have to ask yourself, if this person showed up like this for the next 50 years, what would my life be like? A lot of people have very high standards for things that don't matter that much, and then they have very low standards for things that do matter. That's what happens when we're being guided by ego or insecurity. We're not thinking about those things that are gonna actually determine quality of life. I coached someone who didn't get invited to something. The person she was dating was holding and immediately sabotaged the relationship over it. Her avoidance just kicked in and made her push him away. So much of our patterns are unconscious and they get triggered.
What do you think is really important to remind people around emotional regulation?
When we get control of our emotions, we get control of our life. I implore everybody to take time to look at those patterns. You can change the person, but the pattern keeps following you into each new relationship. At the end of the day, you ask anybody, did you have a good life? It always comes down to their relationship. We blossom around some people and not around others. No matter what, find someone who...
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Know Thyself podcast. Our guest today is returning for the second time, and I am so happy he is because I loved our last conversation. Y'all loved our last conversation. He's one of the world's most renowned dating and relationship coaches. He's been for nearly two decades helping people find love, maintain love, grow love. He's a best-selling author of Love Life and is one of the most viewed... dating coaches online. Matthew Hussey, thank you for being back
here. It's lovely to be back. I was hoping everything hadn't changed in how cozy this space was because I remember that feeling I had last time I was here. I was like, oh, I really just nestled in. And finally, you brought me a tea and it was funny too. I literally went, this is really good tea. And you said that last time. I hope I don't repeat myself in every way from last time.
I doubt it. I doubt it. Because you've grown a lot in your own life and your perspective on a lot of things we'll be diving into today, I'm sure. And perhaps we could start there. You know, I think... I'm curious what has provoked the shift to focusing a bit more on relationships themselves and emotional regulation and reactivity as an umbrella for you to dive deeper into. What's been that slight shift of focus for you over the past year?
I suppose for anyone who doesn't know me, the kind of context for me is I started very early on talking about how to create more opportunity in your love life, which was a very real thing for me at that stage. I was enjoying creating opportunity in my own love life. And I was a shy and introverted teenager. So, and child. I mean, I literally, my mom would describe me going to parties. And my cousin Casey, who was like my best friend growing up, still is, but my best friend growing up, She would go and collect the party bags at the end for me and her because she was like the brave old one of the two of us. And that followed me, I think, into being a teenager. And as a result, we soak up anything that feels like it's exactly what we need.
And anything that showed me how to be more confident, anything that showed me how to be... I suppose in some ways play an extrovert because I'm not. I still am very much introverted, but to be able to turn on those tools when I needed them was very meaningful to me at that age. So, you know, I was reading all sorts of books around that subject. How to Win Friends and Influence People was like my favorite book at 12 years old. Yeah. Because it was like I was going into school and I was like, it was practically helping me talk to people and talk to my teachers and talk to my friends. And, you know, of course, at some point that became I want to be able to talk to girls and I want to be able to especially talk to the one girl that I'm really interested in.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What sparked Matthew Hussey’s shift from dating tactics to emotional regulation?
0:00–16:52
2
How do unconscious patterns from our early relationships affect our dating choices?
16:52–35:32
3
Why does the fear of commitment feel like losing freedom, and how can it become freeing?
35:32–55:20
4
What should we realistically expect from a partner versus what we should accept not receiving?
55:20–1:16:14
5
How can spreading emotional needs across a tribe improve relationship health?
1:16:14–1:38:43
6
What unexpected challenges and joys arise when starting a family?
1:38:43–2:00:44
7
How does self‑acceptance and humility help us navigate triggers and stress?
2:00:44–2:19:59
8
What practical steps can listeners take to identify and change recurring patterns?
2:19:59–2:34:58
Speakers
2 identifiedMore from Know Thyself
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