Chapter 1: What are the biggest stories in true crime this week?
there's no place to escape to this is the lost podcast on the left side stories that's when the cannibalism started side stories yes Yeah. But Julie and I, we had a nice collective outing last night. We both enjoyed ourselves and went and saw the Mandalorian and Grogu movie. Oh, wow. So you went on a date. That's really nice. We went to Guisado's and we got our tacos. I love Guisado's.
Thank God. Also, I want to say thank you so much for supporting like small IPs, people just making stuff out there that are just trying to make. It's literally small IPs because he's so tiny. He's adorable. You would actually really like this movie. No spoilers, but I was surprised on how graphic it was. What do you mean? I mean, he tries to suck his own dick. Are you serious? Yeah. Grogu.
Chapter 2: How is Joey Chestnut defending his hot dog title while on probation?
Are you fucking serious? Yeah, Grogu fucking tries to blow himself. Is that real? Halfway through the movie. Yeah, it's real. You got to go see it. I'm looking it up. It's not going to have the spoiler. You can't look that up. Is it true? You have to go to AMC. Actually, no, I think you should go to an independent theater. Tries to suck its own piss. It's okay because he's not a child.
Did you know that? No, we know that. We covered this. Yeah, he's 50. No, we know. We covered this. He can suck his own dick if he wants to. Says no, that is not true. Oh, come on. AI's fucking sham. 60% wrong and misses the proof.
Chapter 3: What happened with the Nebraska dog that shot a woman?
It says right here. The proof is in his own pudding. According to Google AI, it says, no, that is not true. What does Google AI really say? It says, no, that is not true. Grogu, often referred to as Baby Yoda from The Mandalorian, does not exhibit any such behavior. He's an infant character in the Star Wars universe whose actions are strictly limited to innocence.
childlike behaviors, like using the force, napping, and eating things. Using the force is not an innocent childlike behavior. That's according to Google AI. That is not an innocent childlike behavior. You could fucking kill. He rips things to shreds. Any claims or memes suggesting otherwise are entirely fabricated by internet users. So what did I watch?
I think you watched straight up gay pornography.
i think everyone should go to rush to the theater before they cut this out oh yeah because that's the thing because like because this is the censors this was isn't this the what's his name this is the abel ferrara cut which is the what's his name who did blue is the warmest color i feel like it's he didn't he get it isn't he doing a star wars movie isn't the guy from blue is the warmest color isn't he gonna do something with chewbacca
Where they have open vaginas? Am I wrong, Rob? I don't think so. What's the buzz on that? Imagine they just shave Chewbacca and he's got huge fucking tits. Nothing. Oh, my. Imagine. How likable would Chewbacca be with tits? A Q score? Oh, my God.
All the way up. Q score all the way up. Bye, Slave Leia. You got caught. I like free ass, big titted, naked, shorn Chewbacca.
Welcome to Side Stories. I'm really glad Eddie did the bit. Eddie said, I have this bit. You always go first. I do, and I'm happy. I wanted to talk about Grogu. I couldn't. I couldn't. I was like, guys, this is a lot. Yes. This is a lot. And then like four minutes into the self-fulatio, it gets entertaining. Why? Because he's like on a slippery surface?
At first you're looking around, you're like, oh, why are they doing this? Why are they doing this? This is fucked up. And then you're like... This is artistic. He did grow up a lot. It's a choice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Chapter 4: How does China's new AI Pet Translator work?
He really did.
He grew up quite a bit. I'm sitting here with curious Star Wars fan, Ed Larson. You ever try to blow yourself when you were a kid? No, because... I don't believe that for a second. No, because I've never... This is... We've covered this on Roundtable. We've covered this all over the years. I don't remember Roundtable.
I'm just saying, all over the... For the years, I've never been compelled to want to suck my own penis because I've never wanted to suck a penis. Okay. Even if it's your own? Especially if it's my own. I never tried because I know I'm not flexible. I can't touch my toes even as a child. No. I know it's like a fruitless gesture.
No, in order for me to suck me off to the point where I like it, I would have to like it. Yeah. And I'd have to separate me sucking me off from the suck itself. Could you? But yeah, here's the thing. Can you separate the pain of your mouth to the joy of your cock? No. Actually, I'll give you a straight answer. No, I can't.
What it would do to my back would hurt, and that would all hurt, and the sucking of it would not be that fun. Honestly, I feel like the sucking of it would be myāthe lack of pleasure I would have in sucking it would make me not happy. Me sucking the penis in general would make me not jazzed. Yeah, the last thing you want. But I'd get jizzed if I did it right, which I won't.
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Chapter 5: What schemes are shady Sherpas running around Everest?
I don't think, yeah, because you don't want to, like, after you jizz, be like, I wish I didn't do that. You know, you don't want that. I mean, I do. I do that. But that's different. That's alone. That's more of a sad, empty feeling. Suck on your own dicks alone. No, but that's but it's you. It's too much. All right. It's called post nut clarity. Oh, sure. Yes. That's what I've heard.
Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. I would love to hear one actual story. And I think this is just like snuff films. I don't think anybody's ever sucked their own dick till they came inside their mouth. And I'd love to, if you know a single person, you send me a picture of their driver's license. That's what I wanted.
I want you to ask your friend that says, oh, I definitely sucked penis and my own penis and came into my own mouth. And I want you to send a picture of the, here's the picture from the driver's license to me. And then what did we send them in return? Nothing. Nothing.
nothing no i read it on the story you get to embarrass your friend on the show you get to embarrass your friend on the show and that's what you get and then it's a huge huge get yeah well we have a light episode today in terms of just like not material well just in terms of it's nice it's a little bit less it's a classic side stories episode today so we got a couple updates number one the single most american man you have ever met
You've never met. You can't meet him. And if you do meet him, it might slap you in the face. But that's just because you better not talk mess about his favorite tubed meat. He might be one of the few people I'd pay for a meet and greet with. Maybe. I might. Yes, I might. Just because... An eat and greet. You know what would be nice about paying to see Joey Chestnut?
Is that then he would take it as a job. Because if he takes it as a job, he's going to nail it. But it seems that his one-on-one fan interaction... might not be all that great, but we have really, really good news. In the single most American headline of all time, Joey Chestnut has been cleared to defend hot dog eating title at the nation's 250th birthday celebration, despite...
being on probation for battery. I think that the reason why he's even going, I mean, like, it is of the time to have somebody on probation. I think most of the people at the 250th will be on probation.
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Chapter 6: What led to the Tom Selleck catfish incident and its tragic outcome?
I hope so. You know, like, but I think, well, yeah, they have an escape from jail. Yeah. They will be there because they, I feel like the 250th celebration this year will be the most ankle monitors we've ever seen on the White House lawn. Like, this is going to be the most on-parole outing. Wasn't the point of the ankle monitor so you can't leave? Or they have to be at the White House?
They'd have to be at the White House. They'd have to be there, yeah. And then hopefully participating in the games. But I guess they are doing this for the 250th year, for July 4th. Joey Chestnut is being released conditionally from his jail in Indiana, which is hilarious. Yeah. To come to New York City, Colonial Island. Hold on, so he's actually in jail? He was. He has 180 days probation.
He's not supposed to leave Indiana.
Oh. Right?
So he's not supposed to leave the state of Indiana. Well, he's got to work. Well, could you not do a hot dog eating championship in Indianapolis? Yeah, if you don't want to make fucking money. And they eat sausage there. Do you want to go to... Honestly, if Joey Chestnut really wanted to be a champion, he'd go to the sun punching competition that happens in Gary.
You ever seen that one where you punch and they line up sons and one father tries to punch as many sons as he can until his hand breaks. He does it until his hand breaks. But this year we're hoping to get to a baker's dozen kids. Yeah. That'll be the new record. But Joey Chestnut was in a bar in Indiana getting pretty fucking hammered. As he does.
He says, Joey Chestnut does not remember the incident. Wow. So he's blackout. He got fully blackout. And according to him, or according to a video he saw after the fact. I don't know if I miss getting blackout drunk or not. I really don't miss getting blackout drunk. I don't miss wondering or feeling deeply embarrassed. Yeah. Just waking up and be like, oh, fuck. Who do I got to call?
Well, thankfully I never blacked out.
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Chapter 7: What insights do listeners share in the email segment?
Thankfully or not thankfully, I never blacked out. I would definitely feel as if I was driving from the back seat, but I definitely wasn't blacked out. You think back in the day when we were going hard in Murderfest, you never blacked out? Tallahassee, it was more like that, but not in New York, no. I could never drink enough and stay awake. Yeah, well, I worked at too many sports bars.
There was nothing I could do about that. Thank God I got out of that business. You saved my life. Hey. Hey, welcome. Hey, welcome to this. Into the incredible world of show business. Now, Joey Chestnut, he's in show business, and apparently he did this thing, which we've all done. Yeah. Probably.
In less observed times, where a person came up to him to shake his hand, and it seems they got into like a funny little tussle thing, according to Joey Chestnut, when he watched the video after the fact. Yeah. But then he took it a bit too far when I guess he started slapping him in the face. Now, Joey Chestnut... The guy started slapping Joey?
No.
Joey started slapping the fan.
Oh, okay.
But the thing is, is that we don't know what he did. We don't know whether or not this was a situation. Was it a fun slap? The video's not released. No. Joey Chestnut's saying he... thinks he entirely admits fault and says, I'm sorry, I'm black. I was blacked out. I got to figure out what's going on in my life. He did say that.
But he's like, it did seem like I was having fun, whatever it was that I was doing. But I hurt the man while I was having fun. We didn't know. Joey Chestnut's kind of a big boy.
Of course he's big. Yeah.
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Chapter 8: What unusual behaviors are exhibited by the cannibal cat discussed?
And then he's having to go like.
Hey, listen, I'm off the clock, okay? Yeah, not today.
Wait, bring it to Nathan's. Hey, when you see me out there at Comets, we can talk. You don't see 40 pounds of escargot in front of me, do you?
I'm at work, right?
Normally I'm eating 15 double pounders, right? But now I'm here drinking BLs because that's my real life, right? And so then the guy probably, who knows? Then he could be like, I bet I could eat more hot dogs than you.
I got a bigger throat. You can't eat more hot dogs than me. You don't have a bigger throat than me.
I'm Joey Chestnut. I'm a champion.
I bet you fucking like pigs in a blanket.
Yeah, of course. And just fucking cracks in the mouth. Fucking cracks him in the fucking mouth. All right, so I ran into Michael Moore at a bar. Not Michael Moore, the fat documentarian. Yeah, I was about to say, he's like, because I bet he could eat a lot of hot dogs. I bet he could do well. No, Michael Moore, the boxer, the guy who knocked out and won the title from Foreman.
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