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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
there's no place to escape to this is the last podcast on the left side stories that's when the cannibalism started side stories yes
I can talk to you now.
I'm done with my text messages and I may speak with you now. Who'd you text? I was texting with Julie. Yeah, what'd you say? We were talking about Summer House. We'll get into it later, though. I'm already angry.
Just like thinking about it. I know Eddie has brought this up. He said he is the only person that can properly do Summer House slash last podcast on the left side. news coverage. Yeah, man. But you're saying that you know... There's context.
We'll talk about it. We'll get to it towards the end. We have updates. We have updates. We do. We got all kinds of shit. We have a lot of stuff. I think the most important issue of the day is...
Does anyone actually like the handlebar mustache? Okay, I'd like to put this right here to everyone. We're going to start this out hot. Okay, welcome to Side Stories.
Not you, Rob. No, not you, Rob. You have no idea.
It just grows like this.
Let's just talk about this.
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Chapter 2: What are the different opinions on handlebar mustaches?
Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. To me, it feels like if I, like how do you put this? Like the beard, I put the beard on as man makeup, because I've decided to, and I can, right? When I have the mustache and I choose my mustache, the reason why I have my mustache is because of the polarizing effect of my mustache. I love the fact that people wonder if I'm a pilot, wonder if I'm a police officer.
You have a full mustache. I love my fucking mustache. We all know what your mustache looks like. And I love all mustaches. I was saying this. I'm going to pay Ed money to have a pencil-thin mustache. We'll see. We'll talk about it. I'm going to pay... I haven't worked up a price yet.
Imagine Eddie with a pencil-thin mustache and tell me that that's not going to be the single funnest day of all of our lives. When he's walking around with a pencil-thin mustache and how fun that will be if we put a big chef's hat on him and he walks around going... I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache. I think you'd look amazing, personally.
But the thing about the handlebar mustache, it's a stubborn male choice. Much like, for a while, I did Civil War hair, right? I cut that very bottom middle one, the one where I cut the chin hair off. And I just did the full chops, right? I did the full Civil War thing. Into the mustache. Into the mustache. I love the way it looks, but it looks bad. You know why you like it? Because you're a man.
And it's stupid looking.
Yes.
And I enjoy things that are stupid looking. Yes. And I like how other men look when they look stupid and when they make a choice to look stupid, except for the handlebar mustache. Only just because, to me, it's telling me, you got too much time. Clip off the edges. Be serious about the mustache. Everything else carries. Yeah. Do any of those people have good jobs? No. I don't know.
Because you have to like... Kim, what does your husband do? You have to email me. Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Yeah, because here's the deal.
Like, I know we might get a little heat for this, but I don't... Oh, we get heat for every single thing we've ever said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't really care. No. But yeah, no, it's silly. And it's hard for me to take you serious. Like, if I'm hiring somebody to do something for me, whether it's, like, write jokes or, like, fix my toilet, and you show up with one of those curly mustaches.
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Chapter 3: How does Michael Jackson's legacy intertwine with conspiracy theories?
Dude, he was her best man.
I've complained about this shit.
He was her best man. Oh, was he? Yeah, look up the picture of Elizabeth Taylor with Michael Jackson. I'll show you. He was the best man. Well, she was married, I believe it was David Getty, the guy that was like, he's famously gay. And he's just like, he has this look on his face because he was like big old, like this, this. Look at this. Look at the way he's looking at her.
He gags as soon as they kiss. Watch in the background. Yeah, he pretends to gag. He's very silly. He's being cute. Why is he framed in the shot? Because he's put himself in the frame.
Because he's Michael Jackson. He's the weirdo. He makes it a better shot. You put Michael Jackson in a picture, it's a better picture. That's good directing by the wedding photographer.
I will say, though, he does go right. I do find that Gauche wouldn't go right for the tongue in the wedding kiss. You know what I mean?
Yeah, well, he's trying to prove to everybody. Oh, that's Liza Minnelli, by the way. God damn it. It's Liza Minnelli. That makes a lot more sense. Yeah, damn it. I'm missing him. But he's friends. He was friends with Elizabeth Taylor. Everybody was friends with Elizabeth Taylor. Not everybody. Well, everyone in Hollywood. Well, anybody you get close to her. Yeah, man.
I complained about this on the show before when she shut down Disney when I was there. I had to go home early. I hate that comment. Fuck that bitch.
All right, here we go. Fuck that dead ass bitch. You know what, Eddie? I'm with you. Fuck her. Absolutely hate her.
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Chapter 4: What are the details of the Lucas Jones murder case?
He does. And he is, let's just say.
That's a lot. He's in character. I like to stick up for everybody. That's a lot. It's a lot of felonies. It's a lot of felonies.
The one thing about him, too, is I would say, like, I think it's funny because you look at his, like, his mugshot. Nothing loony about him. Why would you change your name to Looney Tunes? and not do a fun face tattoo or do a fun theme or something. That's the only reason why I'm upset because at first I was like, oh man, Looney Tunes gonna look funny as hell.
And then I looked up his mugshot and I was like, this is a waste. Why would you go through all this? Because that's the hardest part, is going through the courts to change your name. He's got the white glasses. Yeah, but that doesn't make you loony. He looks like the cake boss. A lot of people get white glasses instead of a personality.
Chapter 5: What are the implications of Lucas Jones' actions?
Well, that's the thing. It's like a handlebar mustache.
Funny glasses.
It's like a funny thing. You wear funny glasses, and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm crazy. It's a professional chef thing. I like crazy sunglasses. Crazy sunglasses are great, always. And I don't even fucking come down on them. It's just more just understand that a pair of glasses doesn't just make you loony. You know how he'd be loony?
It's if he was in that jail cell and had Groucho glasses on. Then he'd be loony. Then I'd be like, that's a loony fucking guy. Oh, look at him. He brought his own funny little props into jail. He put Groucho glasses up his ass. You wanted him to break himself with a hammer.
That is what I want. Big white gloves. Yeah, I want them to get packages from Acme. That is what I want.
Your name's Looney Tunes.
I want you to have a rollout fake, like, if this guy ever gets a cake shaped like a saw.
Oh, yeah, they'll be like, God damn it, Looney. You know, like, pulling all the fucking files out, pulling the giant ticking bomb out of the fucking cake. Yeah, buddy. But that's like, that's why I'm just being like, you know, like he let us down as a people.
He let me down. Oh man.
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Chapter 6: How does the discussion shift to the Summer House reality show?
So I, I got a story. I rarely enjoy stories sent to me from people. Sure. And, but this one, I don't, this flew under our radar. I hadn't heard about this at all. To me, this should be front page on every newspaper. Um, the story is from May 20th. So it is a slight, it's a couple of weeks old, but once I heard about it, I was like, what?
fuck so this guy all right lucas jones he's a young man he's uh he's 19 years old he's accused of dumping suitcases with human remains in palm bay's compound area and he has now been indicted for murder all right normal story guy kills somebody yeah puts him in a suitcase you know it's palm bay i lived in palm bay for a short period It's very Florida. It's a bad place. I did not enjoy it.
You know, I was a child, but, you know, what are you going to do? So the reason this is interesting is because Lucas Jones killed Coley Lee Daniel. Who's Coley Lee Daniel? Seems like just a normal guy. He was a registered sex offender. Does that mean he should be murdered?
No, but he was, and he found him, and then what happened is Lucas started courting him on a dating app, and he found out who this guy was, and he started courting him, and then he knew he was a sex offender, and then they went and met up, and then he beat him to death with a baseball bat. See, this guy is doing the, like, it's hard to do.
You know, like, we got to, like, just straight up, even from last week's story, we talked about bricks and minifigs, right? You got to stop showing it. You can't harass the places because bricks and minifigs has got nothing to do with it. Same thing with this, where we're like, I can't tell you to go kill pedophiles, okay? I can't recommend.
That you go and groom pedophiles and then invite them out to, like, areas and beat them to death. Okay? I can't. But I will say, if we're going to do it to one person, that's fine. I think it's okay to do it once or twice.
He's going to jail as he should. So Jones, he dismembered the body using a cleaver, a saw, a knife. And then he helped and he forced his girlfriend to help him transport the remains. And he just threw it in the swamps of Palm Bay, which is next to Melbourne. It's just a lot of fucking marshland around there. And the cops found a bunch of vultures circling and then they found the body.
This is what I also recommend too.
Don't murder a pedophile. Psychologically torture a pedophile. This is my other big tip here. Don't murder him. Do stuff like take a cock gun, block his mailbox. Slash his tires. Do stuff like that. Put lots of dog shit filled bags on fire on his front stoop. That's like... totally on the fucking table. You can do all of that. It's all stuff you could do. You could steal his license plates.
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Chapter 7: What is the significance of the reunion episode in Summer House?
You could break his windows and stuff like that. That's, again, that's fine.
It's not murder. See, this guy, Lucas Jones, he is... It seems like he is crazy. He got in trouble for almost killing some friends for driving recklessly recently. They said he should have been put in jail for that, but he wasn't. But here's the deal. The reason they're calling him Dexter is because he kept a slide of the guy's DNA. Yeah, he's just doing it now.
He kept a microscope slide of the guy's DNA. It's not good, man. So he was... Obviously influenced by Dexter. Oh, yes. Very much so. And he had plans to do more. Yes. And he had lists of other pedophiles that he was going to kill. And he got caught after the first one.
He's just super not good at it. He was super not good at it. And that's why you got to put more time and thought. And I'd say you'd got to, you know what? I'd say it's wrong with the generation before us is what I was saying, man. I got to read. I got to read some books. I feel like if you read more books, you'll read murder-based books. Yeah, I know.
Just watching SVU is not going to get you out of the crime. Because guess what those TV writers know?
Nothing.
They know nothing.
Well, they do hire lawyers to be on the show.
Yes, but still, they fucking don't give a shit. You've got to read the books. Read some books. Get some full, large-format learning in there, because that's going to help you do the things you want to do. Yeah, he's 19, dude. Yeah, 19. He's stupid. He's going to jail for the rest of his life, and that does suck. But I will say, in jail, I think people will like him.
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