THE NEURODIVERGENT LOVE RULES: The Relationship Advice ADHD & Autistic Couples Actually Need
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
I mean, this. How is this not broken anymore? Sami fixed it just now. Sami who? Our master of the house. Swim like Sato. Rent your life at Sato.fi
Most relationship advice assumes that you are neurotypical.
But what happens if you or your partner has got ADHD, autism or some other kind of neurodivergence? That same advice can actually destroy your relationship. Today, we're going to talk about it.
Welcome to Late Bloomers, where we are getting our lives together.
Eventually, brought to you by our amazing sponsor, Loop Earplugs.
I don't like that.
Oh, sorry.
Why not?
What relationship rules fail when one or both partners are neurodivergent?
No, I don't. That's horrible.
Big sorry to everyone there. Okay, so listen, this is big.
Yeah, huge. How many have we got?
We've got five lies. Things that we've just believed from birth in a neurotypical society about what makes a happy, healthy, functioning relationship and why it's just a load of rubbish when it comes to us wonky brains.
Probably not birth though, is it? Because you wouldn't know any of it at birth. So like when you're a bit older, maybe thinking about relationships, maybe 13, 14.
This is why these rules are needed. So you ready for lie? Big old neurotypical lie number one.
Yes.
It's kind of a two-parter.
Okay.
If they wanted to, they would. And if they cared, they'd remember.
Oh, well, I mean, I'm hoping this is a lie because if how you cared for me was based on your memory, you do not hold me at high regard. So we're talking birthdays, anniversaries.
You know that like if they wanted to, they would. It's like if a guy hasn't bought you the flowers or whatever, if they wanted to, they would. It just assumes... we're all the same and it assumes negative impact if someone isn't doing something.
I mean, that phrase is ridiculous because if they wanted to, they would, is true. Like the reason that they aren't is that they don't want to.
No, because I would want to never forget an anniversary or a birthday.
Oh, okay.
I, yeah, I stand corrected. I was thinking of flowers though. I don't buy you flowers.
I wouldn't, what a perfect example, by the way. It seems like buying flowers, it seems like romantic. If someone buys me flowers, I'm like, oh no, it's a task because you have to cut the ends, find a jug to put it in, fill up the water and then it's going to die. It's like a task.
And they're a nightmare because they go all dry and then we leave them too long and then they disintegrate all over the counter and then they take up loads of valuable bin space.
Yeah, because they're all sticky. So look, this lie number one, if they wanted to, they would. If they cared, they'd remembered. It's like, yeah, anniversaries might be texting all day, every day, might be popping to the shop to get toilet roll and coming back without it.
Yeah. And I think this is, so we struggled with this at the start of our relationship and I'm sure most people that are in a relationship with an ADHD person will struggle with this until they reframe it in their mind that it doesn't mean that they don't care when they, when, not even if, when they forget some stuff.
So neurotypical society basically says that somebody's memory is a measure of how much they love you.
Yeah.
And that assumes that everyone's got the same access to memory. And if someone forgets, they've done it on purpose.
Yeah.
And actually we don't all have the same access to memory.
No, we do not. Unfortunately, we do not. Your life would be a lot easier, not just in this lane, if you did have a memory that was...
functional at all yeah like I am gonna like be a bit of a hater right now towards who my own memory oh right yeah like I hate it yeah I hate how forgetful I lose my phone 10 times a day in my own house
Your phone has got worse recently. So like on filming days, I think you'll say, where's my phone? 15 times.
Yeah.
Like immediate, like you had it five seconds ago and you're like, oh, where's my phone? And it could be genuine. We could spend 10 minutes looking for it.
No, it's always genuine. This is the thing I wish people understood about ADHD. It never gets better. You never learn from the mistake.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–1:01
2
What relationship rules fail when one or both partners are neurodivergent?
1:01–6:30
3
Why is 'If they wanted to, they would' a harmful myth for ADHD and autistic partners?
6:30–13:50
4
How can memory be reframed so forgetting doesn't equal lack of love?
13:50–25:19
5
Why might 'Never go to bed angry' backfire in neurodivergent relationships?
25:19–29:24
Speakers
5 identifiedMore from LATE BLOOMERS
8: UNMASKING AT HOME: 10 Signs You’re Still Performing for the People You Love
7: ADHD & CREATIVITY: 10 Ways To Harness Your Neurodivergence For Good
5: THE ANTI SOCIAL CONTRACT: 20 New Rules For An ADHD & Autistic World
6: ARGUMENTS 101: 5 things ADHD & autistic couples desperately need to understand
3: ADHD IN DISGUISE: 10 “weird” things I didn’t realise were signs of ADHD
4: SURVIVING PERIMENOPAUSE: what happens when your ADHD brain can't keep up (With Dr Jolene Brighten)