"Sex is the barometer"
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Carmel Wynne is on the line.
Should we be more forgiving of marital infidelity like Wayne Rooney’s wife suggests?
Carmel, do you agree with uh Colleen Rooney, wife of footballer Wayne Rooney, that people need to be more forgiving in the face of marital infidelity and the like?
I do, Kieran, and I'll tell you why I do. If a couple still like each other And even if there's been infidelity then they can ha they have something to work on. If a couple no longer like each other, well then it's time to go into counselling and work towards breaking up a relationship. And there th one of the things that I think that we often forget about is that people who still like and love each other will have disagreements. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. And most of the things that cause issues in relationships People compromise on them. They're not resolved.
How do disagreements turn into affairs when partners’ needs aren’t met?
They're compromised.
Yeah, uh there's a a big jump though between disagreement and affair, isn't there?
Well the yeah, and the reason affairs happen the the reason disagreements happen and serious disagreements can move on to affairs is that people's needs are not being met in the relationship. And how sex is in the bedroom is a very good barometer of how the communication is between the couples. And what we forget is people don't know what you don't tell them. And w we're great talkers here in Ireland. We talk an awful lot. But one of the problems that you hear women particularly complain about, but men too, is he never listens to me. She never hears what I say. And what people are missing out on is they can understand the meaning of the words. But if they're not picking up on the emotional reaction in their partner or their spouse,
then they're not communicating. They're mind reading.
There um I I I unconscious that if people listen to that and they'll think it sounds like You're m kind of apologizing for the person having the affair. Like that Wayne Rooney wasn't being listened to in the bedroom when he decided to go off and pay for sex workers when Colleen was pregnant.
Basically what I'm saying is Uh, your partner is not a mind reader.
Why is listening to emotional cues more important than just hearing words?
And if your needs are not being met in your relationship. Then you need to tell your partner, but you need to do it in a tone of voice that is non judgmental and you need to check that your partner is hearing what you mean. Very simple things uh to say to somebody is, I'm not sure I explained that well. What did you hear me say? And that's how you get to the emotional response that you're needing to rekindle the connection between the couple.
I c Colleen talks about it, I guess, in in terms of the modern world as well. She she thinks apparently that um people are too quick today, that there it's just there's a There's a haste maybe to making these decisions about relationships that wasn't there in the past. Do you think she's right? Were people better in the past at maybe muddling through?
Well no, I don't think people muddled through in the past. I think horrifically enough, uh people there was a generation of people who were told they made their bed and they had to lie on it. And the reality that we need to face again is there are a lot of couples who are in dar relationships. But they can't separate because of financial concerns or whatever. And if those couples can learn how to communicate, I keep emphasizing And if the couples still like each other. then it is possible to work on the communication in a relationship. to actually allow your partner to feel listened to and heard and respected. And that's the nub of the matter. Every relationship is as good as the communication. The communication is as good as your ability to listen and to pick up the emotional response of the person you're talking to.
And if you haven't got that, there's disrespect.
Are we better or worse communicators in the modern age?
Oh we're much better. Like what's fantastic now is in primary schools and even for children in senior infants in first class they they are learning to talk about their feelings. And so we are uh well I'm uh I'm retired now, but there are generations of Irish people who never actually learn to communicate honestly about how they fa feel.
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–0:01
2
Should we be more forgiving of marital infidelity like Wayne Rooney’s wife suggests?
0:01–0:51
3
How do disagreements turn into affairs when partners’ needs aren’t met?
0:51–2:13
4
Why is listening to emotional cues more important than just hearing words?
2:13–4:56