Chapter 1: What experience led to the discussion about being scammed?
Have I got an episode for you. Whoa, my lips just made a... I promise it wasn't my other lips. I don't queef on command, even if you asked me to. Ugh, a Diet Coke. Because in this studio of a garage, I am burning up. I'm burning up just like my heart and what I have to say in this episode. Don't you be patient.
because I have a lot to say, and they might fall on deaf ears, but I hope your ears are cleaned and your cochlears are audible, for you're not going to want to forget this lively story. I'm extra hot because I'm in tight tights, serving as compression tights until mine come in the mail, including but not limited to a surgical leg binder to decrease swelling.
and a malady that has fallen upon me, just you wait. Just you wait, I'm telling you. You're gonna have to wait like five seconds. Your good lady, me, she's been scammed. My goodness, pilfered from right underneath me. Can you believe it? Like your money in that lash boost MLL scheme. Remember that?
It made your lashes long and your eyes red and your bank account decreased to a big fat goose egg like Hawk Tua. And her Bitcoin she benevolently went to jail for. Like your dear old grandma when she picked up that unfaithful phone call from Jen Shaw. I've been swindled. Gabby swindied. Oprah Swinfreed. I raced in that 250 Swin-meet and lost. Swindle-meetle-dash.
I've been hoodwinked by an operational tool called the fascia blaster. I don't know if you guys have ever heard of it, but you're going to hear of it now. And this is not the blast you may or may not definitely know of the endoblast, the ectoblast, and the mesoblast, or the making of an embryo that you hope will eventually procure a baby girl. Don't even start me on a baby boy.
God luck, Godspeed to you. Raising a baby boy in this lifetime. This is not the making of a life, but ruining of one. Me. Now it's time to fascia blast her. Am I right? Can I get a... Blast her right into my blood and the bruises she caused on my legs. Heart and vanity.
Blaster into the FDA complaint filings where she's long, where there's plenty already, which the Fascia website claims may be approved by the FDA. The Fascia Blaster Fascia website claims it may be approved. What does the may mean in may be approved? And you can only find this after when you're beginning to check out and you click all the links and scroll all the way down.
This is hard information to find. The may be approved. You might not even know what a fash is. Do you know what a blast means? And do you know her? Okay, well, you better listen up because this is a lesson for me and maybe for you if you ever decide to follow the things that I've done, which I say not to.
I've educated you mere plebeians in the name of beauty, but we shouldn't have to be perfect. Now, what is a fascia? The problem is no one knows. It's an anatomical hoax. Just kidding. Just kidding. First and foremost, this is a comedy podcast. Now, I retract that fascia statement, but it's here to make you laugh, and the fascia does exist, okay?
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Chapter 2: What are the dangers associated with the Fascia Blaster?
Sold. I went out of this prison with small dimples in my ass and a touch of the sagging of the knee on my knees because I haven't looked at a lunge in an eon. And live at the crafty table at work. Ooh, something called the crafty table, which I've just discovered. Like the sixth, how many wonders? Like the eighth wondered of the world. Oh, where's Gabby, they say.
Over the headset, the PA looking for me. Oh, she's trying the new egg salad. Typical. Where's Gabby? Oh, I think they just pulled out the banana bread. Why don't you check at the crafty table? Where's Gabby? Scavenging for her 2 p.m. PB&J. And sure, I'll try a spaghetti in a cup. Who's to deny noodles in a drinking utensil? Not me, because it comes with a meat sauce. Mmm, delicious.
What's for my afternoon snack? Some kind of a kimchi chicken finger. That sounds good, too. I lick my fingers afterwards. I'll say my one or two lines and get back to what's most important, my blood sugar. It cannot go low. And I function well when it's too high. Bring on another carbohydrate. So obviously I have some kind of aversion to working out.
So after a quick search of the WWW about passive ways to get rid of cellulite to make these legs high and tight like they used to be before I discovered that oatmeal cookie that lives at the crafty table dunked in some 2% milk and a coffee. Well, the fashion blaster came up everywhere, in my opinion.
And before we begin this vexed story of a woman, me, I shall say this is my experience and I am allowed to talk about it. IMO.
In my experience, okay, now that all you inanes have a quick background, I can get into the Scamanda, Scamlordess, Scamdom of the century, Ashley Black and the Fascia Blaster, many sleepless nights onto my pillow, which I mostly do sleep, but I will not give her my rested eyes. She can't have these. She can't have these two close together pupils. Sometimes they're crossed.
If I've fascia blasted too hard, the fascia blaster is infernal. It's the devil shaped like a 12-prong dildo that's coming for your health of your previously beautiful gams that go all the way up, don't they? They just go right all the way up. Not anymore. They're transforming.
So I finally got the flash of blaster in the mail after days of impatient excitement and checking the shop app and checking the shop app is supposed to be delivered two days ago. When's it gonna be here? I need to save my legs. I can't work out anymore.
This is going to give me the possibility of perfect legs and no lumps or bumps peeking out of my thong bikini on the beautiful beach of Venice, California ridden with sewage. But you know what? My cheeks don't judge. And the dimples don't hide no matter what debris lies near them.
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Chapter 3: How does the Fascia Blaster's marketing mislead consumers?
There goes my career, my savings, and my ego. I'm broke. Back to the blaster of brutality. So I read the directions naturally, carefully, and what not do for safety. Anything glaring that popped out at me. And, you know, it said, do not use the fascia blaster on the neck for cause of stroke. You bet your ass I caught into that one. Uh-uh. I'm not ready for that.
Do not use if you're on blood thinners. I'm not that I'm aware of, but who knows all these medications I'm on if they're making my blood a little thin, but I just don't think so. It seems quite viscous. Done and done. I have various neck creams, silicone tape, and a red light, which will negate all the effects of breathing tobacco down my throat. And me, no brain on fire. Not yet. not yet.
I'm not ready to flash a blast my neck for the potential repercussions. Easy. So the direction stated to use lightly in the beginning, about one to three minutes. And okay, so you flash a blast. Oh, I forgot. Oh, I might have to go get it. So to show as a, um,
prop so you can fascia blast and you put it you rub it on your legs like this one to three minutes and you work up to 10 once the fascia becomes accustomed okay that sounds easy enough so I assume the position by blasting off each section of the leg which has been cursed with the side the side thigh
which sells out the adipose tissue if I sat down in the side thigh and the blubber line below my butt cheek, which honestly I've come to love. I do love a butt roll. The directions also ensure to use heat to make this fascia bluster more effective. So after a bath, after a long bath, after a shower, or you can even use a heating pad and make sure to use an oil to really heat it up.
This is what it says. These are the directions. Heat that puppy up to make sure your fascia is as relaxed as your uterus in a prolapse to ensure the effectiveness of a blurst. Well, where's my mesh? because you don't want to know what's happening to me. Well, my ovaries are bloating and screaming for attention every two weeks, so you bet your ass I have a heating pad within reach at all times.
It's in my second bedside drawer and currently on my lap serving the blast balls of my fascia that have doomed me. Well, it was, but now I have the tights and I'm literally sweating.
Ah.
But after some research, you know, and I have not been diagnosed with what I'm about to say for fear of embarrassment and a medical bill in which I do not have health insurance for, so I don't want to waste any more money. I believe after the fascia blaster, a rupture of my fascia has, which has supposedly benignly been blasted. First time, fine. So the first time, first time, I was fine.
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Chapter 4: What injuries and side effects have users reported?
Starting to sweat some more. Many reports to the FDA complaining about the blast of Ashley Black facial blaster. Defamation cases Ashley Black has brought on. Class action lawsuits filed against her. Doom sets in. Into my legs and into my mind and into my heart. I read each report as if my life is flashing before my eyes. Swelling and bruising, lethargy, inducing periods, fucked up hormones.
What have I done? Who is this bedeviled woman who works for the red man clad in horns and a trident? I'm so hot. All that is alleged, obviously. All that is just for fun, everything I said. But there are real testimonies from reports of a fashion blasphemy book of devastation. Let me read them to you.
Okay.
Okay.
I put my swamp cooler away because it's not the season. And what I would do for a swamp cooler right now, because you see my tights? This is how I live. To hopefully put compression.
Help the fascia.
But it's causing me to sweat. Hopefully all the fascia nodules are coming out of my pores. Making my skin glow. Okay, here are the FDA complaints. I mean, there's quite a few. Okay, so I'll start from the beginning.
Oh, shit.
Okay, here we go. This is on accessdata.fda.gov. Seems pretty legit to me. It is, I can't, whatever. MAUD adverse event report, Ashley Black slash ADB interest, fascia blaster, serious injury. I brought a product called the facial blaster. I was unaware, not informed that this product could cause detox or permanent vein damage.
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Chapter 5: What does the FDA say about the Fascia Blaster?
Okay, and we are allowed, citizens of this earth are allowed to run their mouth with confidence. It's called free speech. I'm speaking from my experience and all else is alleged except for the defamation because there is a source.
And you're gonna waste your fraudulent hard-earned money on a lawsuit for someone who didn't even criticize you but your scary prong tool that looks like a BDSM torture tool.
Oh, come on, we're allowed to say bad things and that it didn't work for us, especially if you think it's a dangerous product, which, you know, there's plenty of data here and FDA complaints that says it might be as a spa owner. It's actually your duty, not defamation.
But, you know, this being some kind of a torture tool, maybe I should look into that more because I don't know what I'm liking here, but I would explore it safely with another present, my wife. She's also had some class action lawsuits filed against her. I think two. Let's see. Let me look at my reference notes here. Two class action lawsuits were filed against her, exclamation point.
This is reported by Wikipedia and there are links to sources. So I don't know. And I did find the lawsuit. They were consolidated into one case called Elson v. Black in 2018. Two of the claims that were originally reversed were returned to court by the United States of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit.
so originally some of the claims were reversed but then they took it back to the Supreme Court and now they're doing a retrial but these are women claiming damages and injury from the fascia blaster and misleading marketing tools and knowledge on her website which are deceptive this is all in the lawsuit
um reported the fascia blasters instructions for use and resulting harm all the heat and i don't even know i think i don't even know if this thing has ever been good for anyone there are comments that says they have okay that's just me talking shit Um, let's see. You can look this up on classaction.org case 2 colon 18 dash CV dash 00582 number 100.
It says essentially users are instructed to grind the prongs into themselves until they bruise. And there are pictures below of this which show badly bruised body parts after using the fascia blaster. Help! Help me! But that's not all from the nefarious Peter Pan who steals from the poor vein and gives to herself.
She scours Facebook, allegedly, who even uses Facebook anymore, one like Ashley, a true comment Karen, for any negative comments about the blast, ruining your legs, and she deletes all the comments while allegedly blocking the user. Allegedly, I said.
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Chapter 6: How do personal testimonials reflect on the Fascia Blaster's effectiveness?
Who cares? A scientist? Who wouldn't be? And the study had a whopping 33 adult women in the study. Wow. Groundbreaking. A huge study group. This is important science. Why don't you spank me on my ass and call me a bad baby then? Why don't you look me in my face and anoint me a global leader then?
Why don't you take a look at my strap-on drawer and tell me I'm not a lesbian who cares about water-based silicone? Not here, lubricant weeper. Prefer coconut oil. And this is science. So, so you bet your ass I sent an email.
I sent an email and, you know, because I was using the fascia blaster, hoping to reverse that every golden Oreo I've ever eaten, which causes that goddamn cellulite and keeps you down for the rest of your life. Let me read you the email.
This is what happened.
Okay. I said... That's a Diet Coke. My name is Gabby Wendy, and I recently received the Fascia Blaster. I've used it twice. The first time I used it, Friday the date, for about a minute on each leg above the knee, hamstring, and on the glute. I saw no complications then. The second time I used it was the next day, dated, for about a minute and a half on the previously mentioned locations.
I used it a little harder, but nothing that hurt or seemed problematic. She said you can use it hard in the directions, but just don't get to a seven, it says. The next day, insert date, I woke up with severe swelling and the appearance of massively increased cellulite. The appearance of swelling has gone down a bit but is still painful to touch slash swollen in the fascia today.
An appearance of cellulite is very noticeable compared to my baseline before I used cellulite. The fascia blaster. I am disappointed because I read the directions thoroughly and did not find any disclaimer about this side effect. I only found the side effect of using the fascia blaster on the neck for potential stroke.
I've scoured the internet and have also found no information on this reported side effect. I really haven't. There was one in the class action lawsuit. There was a little blip that it could cause ruptured fascia, which I which I haven't been in the doctor, like I said, but I do think I have because like I hadn't seen any pictures of it. And they're really, really tight nodules.
I would like to know if this side effect will eventually go away permanently and how long does it normally take? What interventions can I do? So far, I've been blah, blah, blah, using red light therapy, arnica gel, ice at night, heat during the day. Okay. And then she goes, hi, Gabriella. Thanks for reaching out. We are sorry to hear about your experience.
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