For Whom the Ballroom Tolls
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What major news stories and political jokes open the episode?
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What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live from Hollywood. I'm John Lovett, the exact midpoint between Marty McFly and Doc Brown. That sucks. All right. We've got a great show for you tonight, but first, let's get into it. What a week. Funeral services for the late South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham were held in Washington, D.C. on Tuesday. I've never been Graham's biggest fan, but I was very moved by the 21 twink salute. Graham's remains were first brought to the Capitol building for a live stream ceremony in the Rotunda. Per his wishes, the service was open casket, face down. Here's Vice President J.D. Vance honoring Graham in the Capitol.
Lindsey Graham told me a story about his time in the House. And if I repeated exactly what he told me, Darlene, it would be the end of my political career forever. But what I can say is that I was laughing so hard that by the time we got to the next event, I had abdominal cramps and I was barely able to speak because Lindsey Graham could make anybody laugh.
What a heartwarming story. So often, gay friendships are fraught because of sexual tension or unrequited feelings. It's nice to see a positive example. A funeral service was then held at the National Cathedral, where Trump delivered a beautiful, heartfelt eulogy.
Virtually everyone, Republican or Democrat, liked Lindsay. Well, not everybody, but it sounds good. Not everybody. He was a tough cookie, okay? I have to veer from this for a second. He was a tough cookie, darling.
Trump didn't specify what kind of cookie, but I think we all know, double-stuffed. Continued Trump.
Our nation needs more men and women like that great person sitting, laying eggs. Wherever he may be, I think I know where he is, and I think he's up there. I think he's watching us. I'm pretty sure of it.
He did love to watch, said a jacked, sobbing 25-year-old who nobody at the funeral seemed to know. Trump also reminisced about the time he read off Lindsey Graham's actual phone number after the late senator pissed Trump off during the 2016 presidential campaign.
As you remember, Lindsey and I did not exactly get off to the best of starts. So naturally, I did something that I shouldn't have done. I shared his personal cell phone number. with the millions of people that happened to be watching that particular day as I made a speech, a very important speech. And I remember the number, 202-228-0292, if anybody wants to give it a shot.
You call the number, Lindsey Graham answers. Then you hear Mitch McConnell whispering in the background, tell everybody I'm not here. Because he's dead. Sean Hannity also offered a few words.
Lindsey, Mr. President, I would argue, in my mind, probably has a heavenly version of Mar-a-Lago. It may even be a little bigger. And I wouldn't be surprised if he added one big beautiful ballroom and an arch somewhere on the property. Because he would want to obviously duplicate his dearest friend in life, you, Mr. President.
And in Mar-a-Lago heaven, none of the prostitutes are Chinese spies gathering intel on US officials. And the prostitute services are free. And you just see one free prostitute who actually likes spending time with you. And you don't just have sex. You go to dinner and on little trips, and you realize you have a lot in common. And actually, weirdly, you had the best time just doing an errand together at Home Depot in heaven, buying a big pot. And you decide to hold hands by the pool. And at first, it's scary because you know so many people there.
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
What major news stories and political jokes open the episode?
0:00–6:30
2
How do hosts respond to Lindsey Graham's funeral and Trump’s eulogy?
6:30–26:42
3
What reporting reveals the DNC's financial and staffing crisis?
26:42–45:27
4
How does Guy Branum describe his one-man show and early stand-up career?
45:27–1:00:25