Monday Morning Podcast
Flightless Birds, New Music, Breath Work | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-15-26
15 Jan 2026
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Woo! I'm sitting here in my living room right now. The TV has on its screen saver. And this is what I don't understand. Part of the screen saver is it looks like a school of Barracuda. Ooh, Barracuda, right? And here's my thing.
I don't think I've ever seen, like, predators. They're usually by themselves. Bears, snakes, fucking... What else is a predator out there? I don't know, mountain lions? They're usually like, hey, man, you know, They respect each other. There's territories. Hey, this is my territory. I kill over here. This is my shit. That's your shit. I mean, I guess there's a pride alliance. They're codependent.
Cheetahs usually got a couple, two or three. Coyotes also. But coyotes and cheetahs are smaller. So you figure they need to do the gang tackle to bring something down But, you know, great white sharks that by themselves. Killer whales. I don't know. But there's like, dude, there's like a fucking thousand of them. Serial killers by themselves. Maybe one other person.
That's a hell of a conversation. Trying to get somebody on the same page. How do you know it's okay to bring that up? I'm like, oh, God, I'm starving. I could actually eat a person right now. And then you kind of throw it out there. That person kind of lights up like, yeah, you know, that ankle bone mean isn't bad. Sorry. Anyway, I got a lot of satisfaction one time watching like.
I didn't know that ostriches can't fly. I didn't think that they could, but I just I didn't really even think about it. It's a big, stupid looking bird. And what they do is they they're like track stars. Their fucking thing, for some, I don't know why they have wings. And why they don't have arms with like claws on them. If you're just going to run away and be on the fucking ground. Yeah.
Like having wings as a bird, but you can't fly is the bird version of like erectile dysfunction. You have a dick, but it's not worth it. Well, wait a minute. You can still piss with your dick, right? You're still eliminated. But, you know, they can still flap their wings, you know, get a little breeze going. I don't know what.
So these things just, they just fucking, like, the only way to catch them is if, like, you ambush them. They have to completely not be ready. Because when they, like, within, like, it's like a great running back. Like, half a step, he's at full speed. And they see the feet like they just fucking. Like they're just gone and they're over the horizon.
And I think anything that can run as fast as them like runs out of gas. Like you ever see that shit? I'm all over the map. A Bugatti, which for my money is the ugliest supercar ever. There is. It's like, what if we took a Ford Edsel and we made it a supercar? Same urinal, stand-up urinal front end, right? Which I don't even think the Edsel was that bad. I think it's like Waterworld.
Waterworld is a fucking great movie, but like the press just went negative and a lot of people never saw it. It's a great fucking movie and, dare I say, was, you know, was the sea level is rising, you know? It was ahead of its time. Okay? People didn't get it. Like Roger Waters, Amused to Death. A lot of people don't get that album. Didn't get it when it came out.
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Chapter 2: What are the unique characteristics of flightless birds like ostriches?
But the car would run out of gas in like 14 minutes. So they prevent you from doing something stupid. And that, my friends, is what all that math you took in high school. You're like, dude, I'm never going to fucking use this. That's what it's for. All that physics shit you never used. Chemistry. All of that. Although those nerds that excelled at that eventually got hired at a company called
And they used physics, chemistry, and high school, all that mathematic shit. I don't know how to apply any of it. I would think the chemistry is what the tires made up with, the physics, the friction, all of that shit, the aerodynamics. See, if you're like me, the only way to figure that out is to get in the car and do it. All right?
These fucking nerds can sit down with a pencil, a piece of paper, and no friends and figure out... They can guess what's going to happen. That's the levels of smart they are. I know you think you're smart because you can name every head coach in the NFL, all right? But what truly makes you smart is when you can, like, predict the future with a pencil and a piece of paper.
And a graduated cylinder. Like, who even knows what the fuck those are for? I mean, whenever I saw a graduated cylinder, all I thought was like, I'm doing some shots tonight. That's what I thought. Where a nerd looked at it and was like, that is used to measure whatever the fuck I'm doing to try to predict the future. But anyway, it's a Bugatti. Would run out of gas in like 15 minutes.
So that's kind of what happens with, I guess, animals that are super fast. They can operate fast. Like, I think with the ostrich, it's like the fucking cheetah runs out of gas in, like, two minutes, and they don't run out of gas for, like, five minutes, so they're just gone. It's incredible to watch, and I don't know. After a while, you start rooting for the predator, and I can tell you this.
There's a reason why ostriches can run that fast is because they don't know how to fight. Okay? They got T-Rex arms except their wings. All right, and once they get grabbed by their neck, it's just they don't have any neck strength, so they can't pick the predator up. It just goes down, and then their stupid body just like tips over. You know? You ever see a tall, white, trash woman
that is still drinking like she's in her 20s in her 50s that's the kind of body an ostrich has you know the only thing that's missing is fucking yoga pants i love people who wear yoga pants that don't do yoga you know or fat guys that wear sweatpants that don't go to the gym
And I think as a clothing maker, you have to understand that once you go past a certain size in gym wear, you're like, this person is not going to the gym. Just they can't get jeans that are comfortable, and now they're doing that. All right. Did it have to go there, Bill? Do all comedy roads lead to fat shaming? I don't know. I have no idea.
Anyway, I've been listening to a bunch of music here, some stuff I got to tell you guys about. I discovered this amazing, amazing singer-songwriter, Daniel Caesar, and I discovered him through this song, Who Knows. Of course, Nia had like this, you know, she puts this YouTube channel on where DJs are just playing music and shit, and like, this DJ was playing this song and it caught my ear.
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Chapter 3: How does Bill Burr relate personal experiences to his discussions?
See that? Being myself here. This is one of my favorite, like, I would say, rap albums that nobody seems to talk about. It's an album by Eric Sermon. I think it's just called Music. And I don't know who the fuck produced this thing. But some of the tracks on it, I'm not going to name other rappers. There's other rappers I've been a fan of, but their producer absolutely sucked.
And I would just be like, this person is like... their rhymes, their flow, whatever you're supposed to... is so much more elevated than the fucking tracks that they have them rapping over. And it would just... It would take me out. What are some of my favorite ones on this one? Come Through is great. Music was the hit where they had the Marvin Gaye sample. Now What's Up is just...
The sickest fucking... Like, whoever produced that thing. I can't say the name of half of these songs. But it's an incredible album. And I also feel like it's timeless because I've put it on at multiple social gatherings. It's kind of like my go-to, like, random... One that like my people aren't going to fuck it. Caucasians aren't going to know. And everybody's like, who is this? Who is this?
I'm telling you. I go, this is a fucking great album. All right. So there we go. Let me do. So I've been listening to all of that shit. And I think my garage door is finally going to get fixed today. I'll tell you, those garage doors, you know, they do. They do the darndest things, you know, by golly. You know, you think you got it fixed.
And then, you know, Jiminy Cricket, it breaks again, you know. That's how I handle stress now. It's fantastic. I took my kids to school today and I got, I got in the car and the key was, I thought the car was, the key was in the car. It wasn't. And then I didn't know where it was. And that would be the kind of thing that I would be dropping F bombs, flipping out and all of that.
And I, and I didn't, I just said, all right, you guys just hang on to that. You know, dad has to find the keys. And then I just said something stupid to him. I just looked at my kids and I went, mornings, am I right? And they're just looking at me like, dad, you're being weird. They don't get what I'm doing, but it's the way I'm keeping myself... I don't even have to keep myself calm.
I fucking... I don't know what happened, dude. I got it. It's out of me. It's gone. I cannot recommend... doing breath work and, and, and taking away all the shame of all these emotions that they take away from you. Forget about as a man, just as a person, because I think there's a lot of shame too, with like women and stuff that, you know, all of this stuff that you have to be tough.
You got to be strong and all of that type of shit. And, and I think that we, you know, listen, I'll speak for myself. I hate using the pronoun. We, I think that what I did was I equated, um, That to mean in all times that, you know, that if you ignored how you were feeling, that meant you were tough. And I didn't realize that, you know, there's times when you have to ignore how you're feeling.
OK, somebody comes through your front door with an axe. You can't be like, oh, my God, he's got an axe. And somebody's got to be like somebody's got to fucking address it and face it. Do whatever you got to do. Right. at least delay the person getting up the stairs so your kids can fucking, you know, and your wife can get out the back window, right?
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Chapter 4: What insights does Bill Burr share about modern relationships and self-esteem?
All right. And with that, that is the podcast, everybody.
I hope you guys have a great weekend. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, January 15th, 2018, what's going on? How are ya? How are you? I'm in San Francisco. It's still Sunday. The second half has just begun. The Saints go marching in versus the Minnesota Vikings. The Saints was my pick this weekend.
I loved Drew Brees going into Minnesota and fucking having everybody crying at the fucking Mall of America by the end of the game. And so far, the Vikings are up 17 to nothing, although I think they just fucking went three and out. Old Case Keenum just got put down on his fucking keister. We'll see. You never know what's going to happen, you know? I mean, look at the fucking Jaguars.
The Jaguars just came right out, gave the Steelers the old right there, Fred. All of a sudden, their running back twists his ankle, right? I can't put any weight on it, man, right? Then all of a sudden, the Steelers come roaring fucking back, and I'm sitting there going, this game's over. The Pittsburgh Steelers, it's in Pittsburgh. This shit is over. No way. What the fuck's his name?
Bryce Bortles? I can't, by the way, I can't keep up with these fucking names from the 90s. Okay? The Cases, the Bryce, the Boltons, the fucking, I don't know. You know, a lot of comics have done bits about it. But, you know, back when it was like, you know, Bill, Bob, fucking Steve, Joe. Greatest quarterback of all fucking time at one point was named Joe. You know? Joe Namath. Joe Montana.
Joe Theismann. Joe. Fucking Blake Bortles. I, you know, whatever. I'm just, I'm an old, crabby fucking man. I guess the 90s, it was really big to name your kid after a C name, considering all the quarterbacks, right? Kurt, Carson, Case... It's like, did Roger Clemens fuck all these women? Yeah, but he did that. He had like fucking nine kids and he, Cody, Kyle, Cunty, Chris, right?
They were all Ks. They were all Ks. Yeah, why would you have them have their own identity? Let's fucking have their name be about your fucking career.
What do you mean you want to be a veterinarian? Get the fuck out there, pick up a baseball and throw some heat.
Um, sorry. That was my impression of what it's like inside their household. Like, I have any idea. All right? I have nothing against the Clemens family. I love Roger Clemens. You know? Fucking did some great things with the Red Sox before he went to Toronto. Well, we let him go, right? Then he fucking jumped on that poor police horse. Jesus Christ.
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Chapter 5: What critical moments define the Vikings' playoff performance?
You got to catch that. Hey, fuck, what a throw. It was right there. Drew Brees. Oh, God, the coach has on his reading glasses. He's already in the offseason. He's going to re-catch her in the rye or some shit. Come on, man. Come on, Drew. Why do I give a shit? The Vikings have had a drought. The Saints won in 2010. I just want to be right. I said the Saints are going to win.
I apologize to everybody in Minneapolis, St. Paul, Duluth. Oh, no.
First down. Fucking fun. The Saints.
Chapter 6: How does Bill analyze the impact of injuries on team dynamics?
Oh, my God. I have to turn this up. Oh, my God. He's in the guy's field goal rage. Oh, no. You know what's funny? I love Minneapolis. I don't want you people to be sad. I was just joking around. Oh, Case Keaton puts the hat on, takes it off, puts it on, holds his head. How am I ever going to talk to my loved ones again? Holy shit. Ten, nine, eight. Jesus Christ, Drew, what are we doing?
I learned from Tony Romo. Awesome play clock, you fucking moron. All right, 40 seconds to go. It's like, Jesus, he's nonchalant. I learned from Tony Romo, you want to kick it with four seconds left. I think it's four seconds left because then you don't have to kick off. Like that's how long a field goal takes. But with Tony Romo, after he's done bobbling it, it probably takes 11 seconds.
Oh, come on. He shits on Deion Sanders. I can give him a little fucking rough time. I love Tony Romo, by the way. All right. Practice T. All right. He kicked it. Okay. I put it into the net. 37 seconds to go. Oh, my God. Is this the Mall of America? Oh, God. Why didn't I invest in the Kleenex store at the Mall of America? One of the dumbest things I ever did. Blitz.
And Drew Brees fucking picked it up. It's a catch.
Chapter 7: What strategies do Bill and Paul discuss for the upcoming games?
Oh, I'm going to talk so much shit to Verzi. I'm going to talk so much shit to Verzi. Dude, what did I say? I called it. Oh, the ball was bobbling. Oh, he got it. He caught it. Did he catch it enough times for it to be a catch? No, that's not a catch. The little tail was hanging down the bottom. See, now here goes all the fucking drama. This is going to be 20 fucking minutes of this shit.
All right, I'm not even looking at this goddamn game at this point. That is not a catch. The Vikings, come on, you got to throw the challenge flag. Did the Vikings coach just come from the gun range? What is with those goddamn glasses? Da-da-da-da-da-da. You can see the point of the ball touches the ground right there. Yeah, it's not a catch.
Everybody knows it's not a catch for the fucking love of Christ. All right, this is hilarious. The first letter that I got this week. This is the water guy. Now, how did he know the guy wanted the water down his back? Wouldn't that be annoying? Tub of Fuck is the name of this one. Dear Billy Boozehound. I have been a big fan of the podcast and your stand-up for several years now.
I am writing you to tell you that I owe you a lot.
Chapter 8: How do personal anecdotes influence the discussion about sports?
Oh, Jesus, look at this. It was about a year ago I heard you first say that every now and then you would look into the mirror and call yourself a tub of fuck. I do. I thought it was hilarious and it made me realize I was a tub of fuck as well. Hey, look at that, we're bonding. Um... Fucking sound iCloud preferences.
I don't know my password, and you won't give me a second chance, so I don't want to update it. All right. Since last February, I have woken up every morning and told myself that I am a tub of fuck. I made my phone wallpaper a picture of me when I was at my heaviest, 255. So whenever I unlock my phone, there is a reminder of the tub of fuck I am and no longer want to be. That's great.
I'm proud to announce that I have lost 70 pounds in 11 months. Dude, that's awesome. And honestly, I owe you a big thanks for giving me the motivation to do this. Because of you and Joe Rogan, probably more Joe Rogan, he's actually in shape. I have done a lot of things in the last year that have taken me out of my comfort zone. You've been a great inspiration in my life in many different ways.
Hope you and the lovely Neil and the baby have a great 2018. From one tub of fuck to another, go fuck yourself. Well, that was just, you know, for all you guys know, I wrote that. There was really no question there. After further review...
Did he say that was a catch?
What? How the fuck was that a catch? You saw that little cone of the ball? Case Keenum cannot grow a beard. God damn it, he's trying. What the fuck? Oh my God. Everybody's got on their granny glasses. All right, Drew Brees, what's he going to do? He's going to get it. He hands off the fucking ball and nothing happens, but he didn't fumble it. All right, you guys want to listen to this shit?
Do you want to listen to the sound of a bunch of 80,000 people about ready to start crying and go to the Mall of America? If I ran the Mall of America, I would say free roller coaster rides for the entire month. Well, maybe for the week. You know, they got to make their money over there. Can't imagine how much. Oh my God. How does this always happen to the fucking Vikings?
It always happens to them when they're at home. Remember when they were like 15-1? The dirty birds came in and it just somehow came in and fucking beat them? It's unreal. Didn't they have a game against like the fucking Redskins or something like that in 88? Where they had the game won and then it just fucking went away? Ah, Jesus Christ. All right, here we go.
Bobby A. Bears fucking lining up for the kick. The kick is up. Oh, and it's good. Oh, no. Oh, when the Saints go marching in. Oh, my God. The game is not over because they got Case Keenum. What the fuck? I'm already typing in capital letters to Paul Verzi. What the fuck did I say? What did I say? All right, let me turn this down. What did I do to the fucking thing? Is there an exit button? Exit.
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