Playing With Fire

146 Will non-monogamy make it possible to stay together?

06 Apr 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We get this question a lot. But there are some questions lying under the surface of this one… first and foremost, will non-monogamy make it possible...

145 How can I handle dysregulation in my relationships?

30 Mar 2024

Contributed by Lukas

AKA–what do I do when everything in my relationship goes sideways?? To kick off season nine of PWF, we’re getting vulnerable and digging deep. We ...

144 Handling Polyamory Problems: Q&A with Polywise Authors Jessica Fern and David Cooley

16 Mar 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We’re back with Jessica Fern and David Cooley, co-authors of the incredible book Polywise, and this time they’re answering your questions. We cove...

143 Consent, Stronger Relationships, and Hotter Sex in a Changing World with Author Dr. Eric FitzMedrud

02 Mar 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there's a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical...

142 Enmeshment: Are you over-functioning in your relationship?

17 Feb 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Enmeshment doesn’t have to be a big scary subject. In this episode, we’re breaking it down into two simple (but super important!) pieces: over-fun...

141 Being Polywise with Jessica Fern and David Cooley

03 Feb 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and br...

140 [Replay] Balancing Individuation & Secure Attachment with Polysecure Author Jessica Fern

20 Jan 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode! ~ It's normal to want your relationshi...

139 Hinge Skills Part 2: How to Go From Squeaky Hinge to Skilled Tapestry Weaver

13 Jan 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Communication, transitions, new relationship energy, oh my! Being a hinge partner between multiple consensually non-monogamous relationships can be so...

138 How can I be a better hinge partner?

06 Jan 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Feeling more like a doorstop than a hinge? We’ve been there. If you are the pivot point between multiple partners in a polyamorous relationship, you...

137 Handling the Stress of Relational Growth

23 Dec 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Starting a new relationship, ending a relationship, negotiating within a partnership for the first time, practicing differentiation, having kids - all...

136 Help, I got poly-bombed!

16 Dec 2023

Contributed by Lukas

When one person in a monogamous relationship announces to their partner that they are polyamorous, it can be shocking, and it can bring up a lot of fe...

135 Veto Power: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

09 Dec 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Veto power: What is it? What are the pros of cons of using it in polyamorous relationships? Could the desire to exercise it be a relic from your monom...

134 Agreements, Boundaries, and Consequences

02 Dec 2023

Contributed by Lukas

‘Agreements’ and ’consequences’ can feel like big scary words, but they are not the same things and ‘rules’ and ‘punishments.’ In fact...

133 Doing the Relationship Work

25 Nov 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Relationship “work” doesn’t have to feel like work! With some re-framing and a playful attitude, the work can feel a lot more like play! What do...

132 Why am I not enough?

18 Nov 2023

Contributed by Lukas

If you’ve had a partner bring up the possibility of non-monogamy, and your reaction was - ‘why am I not enough?’ - you’re not alone. We dive i...

131 De-Escalating Relationships with Care

11 Nov 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Conversations about de-escalation can stir up a lot of fear—change freaks us out!—but things are always changing in our relationships, especially ...

130 Turn Your Toxic Attractions Into Psychological Growth with Sunny Megatron

04 Nov 2023

Contributed by Lukas

What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romantici...

129 Imago Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Connection

28 Oct 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing! Ent...

128 Unfuck Your Mono-Mind

21 Oct 2023

Contributed by Lukas

You can be fully immersed in polyamory, living and breathing the non-monogamous lifestyle, and still be stuck in a monogamous mindset. If you feel spl...

127 Comperstruggle: When Jealousy & Compersion Collide with Dr. Marie Thouin

14 Oct 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Have you ever felt like you’re caught in a mix of jealousy and compersion? Like you want to be happy for your partner, but there’s also this feeli...

126 Finding Your People with the Hosts of Normalizing Non-Monogamy, Emma & Fin

07 Oct 2023

Contributed by Lukas

If you’re at the beginning of your non-monogamy journey, or if you’re feeling a little stuck and you don’t know where to turn for community, thi...

125 The Jealousy Roadmap

23 Sep 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Struggling with your own jealousy?  Partner struggling with jealousy? Friends/community arguing about how to handle jealousy? This episode was MADE ...

124 Are you ready to bring your whole quirky self to your relationships? with Rachel Wright

09 Sep 2023

Contributed by Lukas

How does it go for you to show up with all your unique you-ness? Of course some of you is private, but it can be tricky to bring the rest of you out i...

123 Weasel Words and Creating More Intimacy in your Relationships

26 Aug 2023

Contributed by Lukas

There are things you can do to build intimacy in your relationships, and things you can do that can break it down. We're talking about wording agr...

122 Get The Skills to Build your Own Relationship - With Guest Expert Carrie Jeroslow

19 Aug 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Do the limited choices on the mainstream relationship menu leave you feeling restless and looking for something else? Do you think something more cust...

121 Am I cut out for non-monogamy? Finding safety during your exploration

12 Aug 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Non-monogamy is a big adventure. It's also a huge source of fear and dysregulation for a lot of us. Individuating also involves quite a bit of di...

120 How do I break through relationship stagnation?

05 Aug 2023

Contributed by Lukas

If you've got a relationship that's feeling like it's hit a plateau, what can you do? It doesn't matter if it's with a romantic pa...

119 Soft Cock Week with guest expert Michelle Renee

22 Jul 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Wiggly, firm, soft, rigid - peens are shape shifters. Why does that matter? Well, somebody you know might have one, and they might have feelings about...

118 Are there quick and easy ways to manage stress? A: Yes. With guest experts Elisabeth Kristof, Melanie Weller, and Matt Bush

15 Jul 2023

Contributed by Lukas

You're alive in a human body, so you have a nervous system, and sometimes it freaks out. What do you do then? We learned Neuro-Somatic Intelligenc...

117 Business and pleasure with Beth Hankes

09 Jul 2023

Contributed by Lukas

How much more satisfying would work be if you brought more of yourself into your work relationships? Joli talks with Beth Hankes (she/her) about the b...

116 Mindful Dating with guest expert Marie Thouin

01 Jul 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Guess what they didn't teach us in school? HOW TO DATE. Much less how to date MINDFULLY. Even less-less when we are ready to date non-monogamous...

115 The Nature of Relating with guest expert Megan Bhatia

17 Jun 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Have you been *working* on your relationships so hard you've lost the sense of joy and pleasure of it all? Time for something new! Megan is an exp...

114 Non-monogamy is a psychological growth lab: Are you ready?

10 Jun 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Non-monogamy comes in as many forms as there are people imagining outside the norm. Imagination is the tool we use to dream the dream forward to what&...

113 How to do hard things & build exceptional love with Neuro-Somatic Intelligence expert Elisabeth Kristof

03 Jun 2023

Contributed by Lukas

How do you handle wigging out, feeling like a mess, or in technical terms getting dysregulated? Well, we rely on tools we learned from applied neurolo...

112 Sex clubs and more with Ashley Weller from What's Your Position podcast

27 May 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Swinging, sex clubs, bdsm, lifestyle - if you're into stories about these things, this episode is for you. Ashley Weller from the What's Your ...

111 Build Your Relationship Toolkit with guest experts Dedeker, Emily & Jase of the Multiamory podcast

20 May 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Relationships require so many different skills. Do you ever struggle to process an argument, or to identify what you really want and need? Dedeker, E...

110 How surrogate partner therapy works with guest expert Brian Gibney

13 May 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Struggling with intimacy but you've already tried *everything*? Not sure what could possibly help? Surrogate partner therapy is amazing and we wan...

109 We Opened Up & EEK! What to do when exciting beginnings turn scary

06 May 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Did you jump into the open waters and find the water kinda choppy? Totally normal, we're sharing: -How the scientific method can help you do this ...

108 What would you do with your full power? A conversation about kink, power exchange, and everyday life with Mollena Williams-Haas

29 Apr 2023

Contributed by Lukas

What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, ...

107 Power dynamics for non-kinksters (part 2) How to share power when you were raised to be an entitled jerk & a martyr

17 Apr 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Jung has this great quote “Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the ...

106 The conversation that will change your life: Power dynamics for non-kinksters

08 Apr 2023

Contributed by Lukas

It's no secret that we started our relationship in a bad place. Together, we worked and learned our way from a painful, confused state to a consci...

105 Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?

01 Apr 2023

Contributed by Lukas

If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a...

104 Help! What can I do with all my feelings when my partner is on a date?

25 Mar 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how ...

103 How to successfully ask your partner to explore non-monogamy

11 Mar 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Bringing up non-monogamy can be a shock to your partner's system. But if you never bring it up, you'll never even know what's possible for...

102 How to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community with guest expert Libby Sinback

04 Mar 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Libby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: communi...

101 Three ways of being polyamorous

25 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Is polyamory something innate in you, like an orientation? Is it a practice? A philosophy? A mindset? An identity? A choice?  Being able to describe ...

100 Finding relationship happiness through creative projects

18 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

It's our 100th episode of Playing with Fire! This podcast was intended to be 13 episodes to cover each chapter of Joli's first book... and her...

99 Balancing individuation & secure attachment with Polysecure author Jessica Fern

11 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure. It's normal to want to individuate. It's normal to want to explore what life can loo...

98 You're *too much*

04 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Joli here- how many times have you heard one of these gems?  You're a lot.  You're intimidating.  You're an energizer bunny.  You'...

97 Jealousy and sexual arousal: getting off on the green-eyed monster!

28 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Does the thought of your partner being with someone else make you...hot as hell?  You aren't alone.  Though jealousy is often thought of as the ...

96 Which is better: To open from the start or to establish couplehood first?

21 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Seeking open relationship bliss?  Great. Us too. And all my clients. You're not alone. Every week I hear from at least a few people who want to k...

95 Envisioning Your Dream Relationship

14 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Creating the relationship you really want begins with the ENVISIONING process. Plus, it's really easy to find yourself in relationships that don&#...

94 Romantic Friendships: Subversive & Awesome

07 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

I (Joli) love romantic friendships. Ones that have a deeply intimate quality and the capacity to have honest conversations about boundaries and relati...

93 [MOST POPULAR EPISODE replay] Relationship agreements in the wild

31 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This week we are sharing our most popular episode ever- this one is a not-to-miss! Relationship agreements might sound dry but the process of co-creat...

92 Finding help and hope during your shift from monogamy to polyamory

24 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Relationships are where we seek security, so making changes can feel particularly scary or overwhelming.  Don't let this fear stop you from creat...

91 How to deal with criticism so it doesn't ruin your relationships with Dr. Jessica Higgins

17 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

"Why are you doing it like that?"  Whether your criticism is about something as mundane as loading the dishwasher or as complex as managing...

90 How to make exciting relationship changes less scary

10 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Want a more expansive, custom-designed life? You need to take some risks and make changes. BUT--before you go committing to permanent change, learn ex...

89 Which relationship style is right for you? Learn the taxonomy of non-monogamy

03 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Relationships get stronger and healthier when you talk about them with your partners. For that you're going to need shared language and meaning, L...

88 How do I build sensual & sexual desire?

26 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Do you wish desire just magically ramped up without any effort? It certainly does sometimes, but most of the time desire flows better because we activ...

87 Is polyamory practical? with guest Laura Boyle

19 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Sure, it sounds fun, but is polyamory actually practical? And what if you have kids-- it's already tough to find time-- how can this work? What ab...

86 Stop compromising in your intimate relationships.

12 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Conventional wisdom tells us marriage is all about compromise and we are not here for it. Honestly, conventional wisdom will, at best get you a conven...

85 How can I feel more compersion? with Dr. Marie Thouin

05 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

"I want to feel less jealousy and more compersion- HELP!" There's no one in the world who can speak to this topic like Dr. Marie Thouin,...

84 How to have happier relationships using Neuro-Somatic Intelligence

22 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

It's totally normal to be moody, triggered, and reactive but it takes a TOLL on your relationships if you don't know how to get back out of th...

83 How to heal from jealousy and envy

15 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Do you experience jealousy as overwhelming, painful, or disruptive? How about envy? Yeah- most people agree, there's more pain than fun packed int...

82 Choosing an individuation relationship with or without your partner

08 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Do you want to grow into the most authentic version of your Self that you can be? The good news is that you get to choose that, and all you need is wi...

81 Here's why we are Playing with Fire!

01 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Do you want to explore non-monogamy? Are you curious about how conscious relationships can take you to new levels of growth in your psychological indi...

80 Creating conscious, compassionate, open relationships with guest author Kate Loree, LMFT

28 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Are your relationships messy? That's more than OK - learning more about your particular relationship mess by learning about others can save you a ...

79 Expansive Intimacy with Jim Young, The Centered Coach

21 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Burnout sucks, and it's everywhere. We talk with Jim Young, The Centered Coach, about his book Expansive Intimacy and about intimacy as the opposi...

78 How, When & Why to Visit a Pleasure-Centered Shop with Beth Hankes from Earth & Salt

14 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Visiting a pleasure-centered shop can be an inspiring and exciting experience for singles, couples, and moresomes. Beth Hankes from Earth and Salt sha...

77 Naturally attract the partners you long for with guest Allana Pratt

07 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Tired of *trying* to find the person you want? There's a faster path and it is completely within your reach. Everyone has the capacity to deepen t...

75 Leaving purity culture for a life you love - with guest Lauren Elise Barnes

24 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Am I pure enough? Am I a good _______? Fill in the blank - what were you raised to be, how were you indoctrinated? Do you still agree with it? How do ...

74 Why is my partner so weird? Wait, why am I so weird?

17 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

How do you experience your differences with your partner? Do you feel discomfort, or conflict, or maybe you feel isolated and abandoned? Do you work t...

73 How to start building a designer relationship

10 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Want designer relationships? Want to show up as more of yourself and less of what others might expect, and help your partners do the same? Let's t...

72 How to be a classy visitor to a strip club with expert guest Elle Stanger, CSE

03 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Going to a strip club is a great way to expand your erotic life but we have heard from tons of couples who feel a little nervous about it. Even if you...

71 Doing what you said you'd do: When accountability works and when it doesn't

26 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Accountable and reliable- this is what you want from a life partner. But, life moves fast. What happens when you can't keep your word? Or when you...

70 Guest Expert Megan Bhatia: Choosing Polyamory While Raising a Family

19 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

We talk with Megan Bhatia from the Amory podcast about our different polyamory journeys, our experiences with family as polyamorous people, and parent...

69 The Year Of Opening

12 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Ready to take your relationships to new levels of growth and satisfaction? In a community of like-minded, growth oriented people with similar goals? L...

68 Train Your Nervous System to Transform Your Relationships with Elisabeth Kristof

05 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Join us for the first episode of Season 6! We talk with Elisabeth Kristof of Brain Based Wellness about training your nervous system, and how you can ...

67 Exploring **Potential** Kinks

24 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Are you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There's no board of kink that issues certific...

66 Who Started It? The Decision to Open Up

17 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

How did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how ...

65 Relationship Agreement Skills - Shared Values & Relationship Purpose

10 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

How satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start...

64 Trust: Building and Rebuilding

03 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

How do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection?...

63 Relationship Sabotage

27 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Have you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the ...

62 Wounds & Apologies

20 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

How do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relation...

61 Relational Individuation: On becoming your Self

13 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Have you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of th...

60 Making FUN happen in long term relationships

06 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Long term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun,...

59 What do I do with unrequited hots?

01 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequite...

58 Anxiety when you are consensually non-monogamous

20 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Can anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety c...

57 Affection and Non-sexual Intimacy

13 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

What if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up aroun...

56 Creative Monogamy

06 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

It sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundarie...

55 Parenting While Polyamorous

30 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Talking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this...

54 Where do we learn the skills of adult friendships?

02 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Are you married to your best friend? Do you have several best friends? Do you have friends that aren't best? In this episode we're talking abo...

53 How to be happier when big changes threaten your marriage

26 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

The many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what hap...

52 Sex parties? Yes, sex parties.

19 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we're talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we...

51 Let's optimize our sex lives!

12 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

No matter how good your sex life is, we're all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we'll want to adapt...

50 Where is envy secretly kicking your ass?

05 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Envy is kind of like a feeling of want, except that it totally bites. In this episode we are digging into envy: how it can get in the way of our relat...

49 Using love languages to make the gift-giving season more pleasurable

28 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Do you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we're talking about focusing on the feelings we create and u...

48 Keeping sex hot over the long term

21 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

There are lots of disruptors to sex - kids, grief, burnout, pandemics... In this episode we're talking about ways to get the hotness back, or keep...

47 Nuanced Conversations in Polyamory: Secondaries, Solos, and Couple's Privilege

14 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Poly is not mono! Which might sound silly, but in this case we mean that polyamory is not monolithic. There are as many ways to have polyamorous relat...

46 How, when, and why to CELEBRATE!

07 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

How do you celebrate? Do you wait for a holiday or for someone to tell you it's time to mark an occasion? Celebrations help us see and acknowledge...