Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘We’ll be eating soup in Drizzle Mór while everyone else is sipping pina coladas’

18 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Posting a Fáilte Ireland pic on Instagram doesn’t mean you’re actually on a staycation Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informatio...

‘You see, the 50-person limit has made Mass tickets a hot commodity’

11 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

It seems young Ronan is doing a line in black morket tickets for Masses and church services Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informatio...

‘That’ll teach him to challenge the Rossmeister to a mickey-swinging contest’

03 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Time to put Christian in his place – after all, it’s what best friends are for Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I’m the same as you. I hate it when other people are good at stuff that I’m not good at’

26 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Honor plots revenge for Ross after his rugby chat gets hijacked Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We give our children everything they ask for, if that makes us bad parents – guilty as chorged’

19 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: I’m not sure we’re the kind of family who likes fun Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

She saw a goy in a white coat and shouted, ‘Hero!’ And he was like, ‘Er, I work in Kiehl’s’

12 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Honor restorts the economy while Sorcha’s Zoom call proves fatal to Ro’s alibi Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We’re having a fancy dress porty and I’m going as the wife of a philanderer’

05 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Despite Sorcha’s warning, Ross may have just made a bad situation worse Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Adultery is like getting a dent in a new cor. Once you’ve done it once, it gets easier’

29 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Rueful Ross realises the old man may have amorous notions when he spots that missing Greg Norman hat. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more ...

‘It’s a shame it took a global pandemic to get Ross to keep it in his trousers’

22 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

'You’re lucky my orms don’t stretch two metres – because I would deck you for that' Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Dad, you can shove your offer. I’m going to sit the Leaving Cert’

15 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The Rossmeister prepares for a third crack at the exams with Honor’s home-schooling. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I’ve been booking supermorket delivery slots weeks in advance. Then selling them for €70 each’

12 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to the horsh realities of the free morket, Honor goes Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Ross, how would you like to make love to a woman with grey hair?’

02 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

After weeks in lockdown Sorcha’s roots are showing... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Sorcha has an – I think it’s a word – alterior motive for the Zoom call’

24 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha is working on her best self and getting the old man and old dear talking again Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Joe Wicks goes, ‘That’s our warm-up completed.’ I’m already focked

17 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Phoning ‘Mom’ is a sure sign Covid-19 crisis brings out the best in people Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We’re not going to eat the banana bread. We’re going to give it to the neighbours’

10 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Neighbourly gestures are one thing, but a hostage exchange is quite another. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We’re fine up here, Ross. I just can’t imagine this thing coming to Foxrock’

03 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Phoning ‘Mom’ is a sure sign Covid-19 crisis brings out the best in people Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Ross, from this morning, you’re going to be home-schooling Honor.’ I laugh out loud

27 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Home-schooling? Me? But I’m a complete focking dunderhead... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘The O’Carroll-Kelly Saliva Stakes is the closest thing we have to live sport now’

20 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

For five days, I’ve been stuck in the house and I can’t help thinking, ‘God, my family are annoying Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for m...

‘Ross, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Your mother is on Tinder’

14 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The old dear is catfishing dudes on Tinder by pretending to be only 58about 6 hours ago Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I recognise the look instantly. One cheater knows another’

06 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The old dear was planning to propose to him on Saturday night Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Samuel Beckett’s a writer. He wrote Waiting for Bobo’

28 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The old dear is up in arms because the house is being considered for a preservation order Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I just shake my head... The dirty dog. The filthy hypocrite’

21 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The triplets tear apart an oil painting of their smiling grandad and make a delightful discovery Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more infor...

‘Sold to the man in the Ireland jersey with a bowtie tied around his neck!’

15 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Who wouldn’t spend too much at a charity auction for a horrible portrait? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I want you to flirt with the girl on the reception desk’

07 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha will do literally anything to get Honor into the right Irish college Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I want this to be as big as the Statue of bloody well Liberty!”’

31 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The old man is ordering a statue of Fr Fehily – with Panzer tanks and hippos, of course Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Críost on a rothar. It looks like Chorlie Haughey’

24 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The old man has spent some of his hord (slash, crookedly) earned money on a statue of the late, great Fr Fehily Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy...

I hate my father-in-law the same way dogs hate lampposts

17 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

‘He hasn’t come to kill you, Ross. He’s come to dig up the time capsule we buried in the gorden just before the millennium’ Hosted on Acast. S...

"You’re a camel hair coat away from being your grandfather, Ro"

10 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Ronan admits to Ross he threw the race at Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We should have maybe hired a professional jockey’

03 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Leopardstown proves to be Hoss O’Carroll-Kelly’s downfall by betrayal Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Is anyone going to own up to this Kris Kindle? Is this some kind of joke?’

24 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

I love playing Santa Claus. The adulation brings me back to my schools’ rugby days Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Ross, you can’t hold a note. I don’t want you embarrassing yourself’

20 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The Rossmeister gets into the spirit of the season with a spot of Grafton Street carolling Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information...

‘Goys, does Ronan look like he’s actually in control of that horse?’

13 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

I’m like, ‘What the fock, Ro?’ because I’m suddenly thinking about the 20Ks I’ve just lost... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for mor...

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We may need to cuff him when we get to Lapland’

06 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

A surprise trip to take the kids to see Santa Claus does not go according to plan Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Tubs sees the boys then and – in fairness – he gives them the benefit of the doubt’

29 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha’s Toy Show dream quickly comes to an end when Ryan Tubridy meets the boys on set. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information...

'The dude goes, The horse is a maniac. He's the maddest animal I've ever seen'

22 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Meeting our temperamental racehorse, Hoss O'Carroll-Kelly. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'Oh my God', Honor goes, 'there's a focking horse in the gorden!'

15 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Yeah, no, I bought a racehorse, but it's not for Honor - it's for my old school's honour. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'Me and the goys are thinking of buying a horse'

08 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

All the posh schools have a horseracing syndicate. Why not Castleknock College? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘It’s supposed to be like Quinta do Lago – except outside it’s Ballymahon’

01 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

A trip to Center Porcs leads to an encounter with one of Sorcha’s frenemies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"It absolutely kills me to say this, but people hate our kids"

25 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

There's barely a day goes by when I don't think "God what I wouldn't do for a condom and a time machine". But that's parenting. Hosted on Acast. See a...

‘Munster didn’t beat the All Blacks in 1978. This video proves it’

18 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

What the fock? Did the old man pay someone to fake a video? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘No, Sorcha. I’m going to Japan. The team needs me’

11 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The Rossmeister is struck with a sudden case of FOMO with just one phone call. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'All these early morning matches are taking their toll on me'

04 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Being fired as godfather is making him teary - so is the breakfast beer... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'My meal was served on a 1986 edition of the 01 phone directory'

01 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha's was served on a VHS copy of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Isn’t everyone wearing a kimono to watch the rugby?

20 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

‘According to Fionn, it makes me guilty of a thing called “cultural appropriation’’’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informa...

‘Munster beat the All Blacks. We’ve all heard the story... but did it really happen?’

13 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The old dear thinks the old man has lost his marbles. He’s set up a vlog. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘How does another dog plus five grand sound?’

06 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Baxter’s rightful owner has shown up, and Honor’s not giving him up without a dogfight. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informatio...

‘How dare they leave out the hyphen?’

30 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

A letter from Munster Rugby leaves Ross's old man pacing the floor. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Schmidt Happens: Excerpt Three

29 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The third and final excerpt from 'Schmidt Happens', the eighteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. Hosted on Acast. See acast.co...

Schmidt Happens: Excerpt Two

28 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The second of three exclusive excerpts from 'Schmidt Happens', the eighteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. Hosted on Acast. S...

Schmidt Happens: Excerpt One

27 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The first of three exclusive excerpts from 'Schmidt Happens', the eighteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. Hosted on Acast. Se...

As one girl puts it, ‘Send him back to Google in a focking wheelchair’

23 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

In an extract from his new book, Schmidt Happens, Ross O’Carroll-Kelly has taken on his toughest job yet – coaching the Facebook tag rugby team fo...

‘The dude pats me down to make sure I’m not packing heat’

16 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Ross doesn’t like what he sees when he visits Ronan at work for some lunchtime pints. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘You can’t fire me as a godparent. I resign’

09 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The dog is for the chop until Ross channels his inner rugby captain. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A south Dublin borbecue – what could possibly go wrong?

02 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Christian is horrified to find his Wagyu steak looks tougher than Billy Vunipola. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I wouldn’t be shocked if she was running a meth lab out of her bedroom’

26 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

A dickhead of a smoke alorm ruins Ross’s night and leads him to a surprising discovery... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informatio...

‘You found 10 bags of cocaine and you go to the police?’

20 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Ro learns how to handle found goods, from the master, Hennessy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘It’s coke, Rosser.’ I’m there, ‘Well I knew it wasn’t Shake n’Vac’

12 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The old man got more than he bargained for when he bought a Lambo at a Cab auction Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I’ve tried my best not to love my son any less since he storted wearing glasses

05 Jul 2019

Contributed by Lukas

I have to remember to treat them all equally, even though one of them is clearly never going to play Leinster Schools Senior Cup rugby due to being ba...

Honor has suddenly started to think about environmental issues ... but why?

29 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

My daughter had previously told me that being seen to care is a sign of weakness Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor leaves Love Island to admit to driving the cor

21 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

‘Do you know how embarrassing it is to live in Killiney and have to drive stick shift?’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informatio...

‘While I hate lying to him, that’s my job as a parent’

14 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

I end up carrying Leo in to the ophthamologist. I don’t know why – there’s fock-all wrong with his legs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy ...

‘Sorcha says the words that every rugby father dreads’

08 Jun 2019

Contributed by Lukas

She walks into the kitchen and storts looking at Leo in a suddenly strange way Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'The Lambo my old man gave Ro is having a strange effect on him'

31 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

‘Your accent has gone full Colin Farrell from Intermission since we passed the turn-off for Newtownmountkennedy’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/pr...

‘We’re going to be doing what I call, Maths Through Rugby’

24 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Rosston College has an eventful first day with the triplets out of Montessori. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘You’re a Montessori teacher. A babysitter with good insurance cover’

17 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

It wouldn’t be an uncommon occurrence for me and Sorcha to find ourselves in a school principal’s office having to apologise for the behaviour of ...

‘I know deep down she actually hates that I’m the cool parent’

10 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Honor is at a birthday party – what usually follows is a solicitor’s letter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'I don't mind being buried in Deansgrange. It's a good address'

03 May 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha's old pair are making arrangements for her resting place - but Honor has different ideas. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more infor...

'What the fock are you doing in a red Lambo?'

26 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Ronan is about to finish college and the old man has a bribe to bring him onside. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We’re going to miss the Easter Bonnet Parade in Dalkey’

19 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha is crying in the cor. “How could something like this have happened?” she keeps going – over and over again. Hosted on Acast. See acast.co...

‘I’m just saying that our kids are three little yobs’

12 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha is on the warpath after the latest phone call from the Montessori about the triplets Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informatio...

‘Let’s just say the match is not a good advertisement for rugby’

05 Apr 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Most of our goys look like they’ve been pulled from the sea after their ship went down. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I dedicate each sit-up to someone who’s done me wrong over the years’

29 Mar 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘Inevitably, given the pressure I’m putting my mind and body under - I end up blacking out’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.c...

I’m remembering Fr Fehily hyped up to fever pitch after listening to his Hitler 45s

22 Mar 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Unfortunately, I don’t have Fr Fehily’s command of German or his record collection. But I do have my own – let’s just say – motivational qua...

‘Gout? What the fock is gout? And please don’t say it’s caused by rugby’

15 Mar 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Preparation for our grudge match with Newbridge isn’t going to plan. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We would have beaten you with or without Fr Fehily’s doping programme’

08 Mar 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Our victory was slightly tainted when the IRFU stripped us of our medals. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man takes his truth bus to UCD’s snowflakes

01 Mar 2019

Contributed by Lukas

I’m, like: ‘You’re not going to drive around Belfield bellowing insanely at passers-by?’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more infor...

No one warns you as you leave Holles Street, “Kids can be seriously focking annoying”

22 Feb 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Honor goes, ‘The only reason I’m ringing is because there’s a Gorda checkpoint ahead’. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informa...

‘A convicted criminal is what this female student person called me!’

15 Feb 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The old man has a plan to stop him being no-platformed by UCD. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

''Fock England!’ they shouted as we passed actual England supporters'

08 Feb 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The three boys experience that landmark moment: their first rugby international. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Ugly right-wing views? Is this about my letter to The Irish Times?’

01 Feb 2019

Contributed by Lukas

There’s some kind of protest in UCD as the old man arrives for his talk. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I’m entitled to know why taxi drivers seem to think so little of me’

25 Jan 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Honor’s blackmailing skills come out after using Sorcha’s MyTaxi app. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'How does this sound: The O’Carroll-Kelly Institute of Rugby!'

18 Jan 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Why is there no O’Carroll-Kelly building? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Honor can be terribly cruel – it’s hilarious if you’re not the one on the receiving end’

11 Jan 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha’s What Would Jesus Eat Diet lasts a record four hours. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Honor cops me standing there, staring at her like she’s a dog explaining Brexit’

04 Jan 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Ross discovers his 13-year-old daughter has secretly been driving his BMW X5 for the last two years. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more i...

‘Croia called me a Gender Binarist because of my Goys and Dolls party’

28 Dec 2018

Contributed by Lukas

‘She said if we hadn’t been friends for 20 years, she would have called the Gords’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Our way of dealing with our children’s anti-social behaviour has been to totally ignore it’

21 Dec 2018

Contributed by Lukas

Ross and Sorcha are particularly tense watching the triplets in their nativity play... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I’m sorry but that’s where this Santa Claus draws the line’

14 Dec 2018

Contributed by Lukas

Ross, dressed as Santa, can’t believe it when a boy asks him for an Ireland soccer jersey for Christmas Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for m...

'I shan't be moving. I've got a full stomach and an empty bladder'

07 Dec 2018

Contributed by Lukas

We are surrounded by empty porking spaces but neither of us is prepared to give up this one. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informati...

‘I’m sorry for crying. It’s just my brain feels like it’s turning into paté’

30 Nov 2018

Contributed by Lukas

I had to unmute the Mount Anville mothers’ WhatsApp group - I couldn't bear the silence. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information...

‘I swear on my children’s lives I’ve had no contact with Peter Casey’

23 Nov 2018

Contributed by Lukas

Ireland are beating the All Blacks with 15 minutes to go but everything is kicking off in the old man’s corporate box Hosted on Acast. See acast.com...

‘Our bogey group should be lactose-intolerant Border-county cyclists’

16 Nov 2018

Contributed by Lukas

The old man is plotting a fresh course for New Republic given the Peter Casey effect. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I’m now a member of nine Mount Anville WhatsApp groups'

09 Nov 2018

Contributed by Lukas

This is my life now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Just because people are vulnerable doesn’t mean they’re not taking the piss’

02 Nov 2018

Contributed by Lukas

"Peter Casey has out-Charles-O’Carroll-Kellyed Charles O’Carroll-Kelly" says the old man. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informat...

‘Honor was actually conceived in this cor?’ ‘We should push it off a cliff’

26 Oct 2018

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha gets teary about her old Rav4 in Dundrum cor pork Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘You grew up in south Dublin, but it’s like you arrived from space an hour ago’

19 Oct 2018

Contributed by Lukas

Ross gets a horsh lesson on how Mount Anville moms’ WhatsApp groups really work. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I’m with The Girls. We’re getting along like doughnuts and Blanchardstown’

12 Oct 2018

Contributed by Lukas

Sorcha tells Ross that Honor has set up a review site. It’s called Rate My Playdate. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'There’s a girl who works in the Bailey. And before you say anything,we were on a break at the time'

05 Oct 2018

Contributed by Lukas

What would Johnny Sexton do when confronted with plotting a way through Dublin’s no-go areas? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more inform...

‘I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be’

28 Sep 2018

Contributed by Lukas

I’ve joined the WhatsApp group the moms set up, and it is intense... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"Limerick’s definitely been tidied up a bit since ‘Angela’s Ashes"

21 Sep 2018

Contributed by Lukas

I convince the lads to go to Munster to rescue Joey Corbery Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My sons take after me in their love of being surrounded by admiring females

14 Sep 2018

Contributed by Lukas

The boys can presumably see that Mallorie Kennedy is a serious, serious honey. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.