Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
Episodes
‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’
10 Jun 2022
Contributed by Lukas
“Oh my God, that’s her!” Honor goes. Her being Corina Brien, her opponent in the first round of the Joshua Pim Shield in Glenageary Lawn Te...
Sorcha is still serious about knocking gaff and turning it into aportments
04 Jun 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha has ordered a skip. Yeah, no, that might not be big news where you live – but on Vico Road, Killiney, it’s, like, massive? Because it’s e...
"Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?"
27 May 2022
Contributed by Lukas
So I’ve brought Brian, Johnny and Leo to Morseille – yeah, no, the one in France – for their very first European Cup final. It’s, like, 24 hou...
‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’
20 May 2022
Contributed by Lukas
There’s a familiar face in the kitchen, although I’m struggling to put a name to it. “Ross,” Sorcha goes, “you remember Foraoise Farrell, do...
‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’
13 May 2022
Contributed by Lukas
“What do you think?” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, she’s trying to choose an outfit for the annual Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Associ...
Women’s toilets? I mean, what’s next? A hockey pitch?
06 May 2022
Contributed by Lukas
So it’s, like, Day Whatever-it-is and my period of isolation is finally over. I’m about to ring the goys to see if anyone fancies hitting The Brid...
‘My antigen is still positive, but I’ve never felt better’
29 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
According to my latest antigen test, I’m still positive, but – the most random thing – I’ve never felt better in my life, either physically or...
‘I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip’
23 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
"I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been dreading this week since Christmas. And not dreading it in the same way that you dread, I don’t know, ro...
‘You focking idiot, Ross! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs’
16 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Christian’s wife, Lauren, has never been a fan of the Rossmeister General. I don’t mind. I think it was me who first said I’d rather be someone’...
‘Fifteen rooms is a lot to put down.’
11 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
‘Most of them are empty and there’s, like, a homelessness crisis? I’m going to put six rooms’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more ...
‘Girls learn differently to boys – and when I say differently, I mean slowly and not as well’
02 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Charles O’Carroll-Kelly goes on Drivetime to talk about Castlerock College going co-ed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘A co-educational school has never won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup!’
26 Mar 2022
Contributed by Lukas
How can Ross convince the goys that Castlerock should never let in girls? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
'Do you mean there’s going to be, like, girls going to Castlerock?'
19 Mar 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Fionn’s changed since he landed the top job at our old alma mater Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
'It’s off to Budapest for Dr Holger Esterházy’s miracle hair restoration treatment'
12 Mar 2022
Contributed by Lukas
There’s goys from Michael’s, Belvedere, Gonzaga and Blackrock all mixing with each other like there’s no actual difference between them Hosted o...
‘You lifted the Leinster Schools Senior Cup – does that mean nothing to you now’
04 Mar 2022
Contributed by Lukas
A tap on the shoulder while getting in a quick pint at the bor in Dublin Airport Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Fifty grandingtons!’ – that’s the cost of the Budapest hair clinic
25 Feb 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Fifty grandingtons. That’s what this crowd in, like, Budapest want to share the secret of Dr Holger Esterházy’s hair restoration miracle with me....
'Just because we have money, we can't keep Killiney all to ourselves'
18 Feb 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha is quiet this morning. I honestly haven’t seen her this distracted since she got a girl sacked for plucking her eyebrows in a way that made h...
Rezoning Dalkey for affordable housing? The natives are up in orms
11 Feb 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha calls the Emergency General Meeting of the Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association to order.“I realise that there’s a gre...
‘I feel like my old man – the pub bore, shouting opinions into the air while everyone zones out’
04 Feb 2022
Contributed by Lukas
It’s the night before Sixmas and I’m sitting in The Bridge 1859, sharing with the goys the gift of my pre-tournament analysis. I’m telling them ...
‘When I say it’s oaber, Rosser, Ine thalken about me and Hodor’s business. It’s boddixed’
28 Jan 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Ronan’s there, ‘I sted at the roulette table too long – stordee of me life’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Like a great many politicians, I have a public position, as well as a private position’
22 Jan 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Chorles may miss his first Six Nations championship match in almost seventy years Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘This is killing me, Sorcha. I feel about as useful as a focking Orts degree’
14 Jan 2022
Contributed by Lukas
“God, I’m bored,” I go. “How far into this whole self-isolation thing are we now?”Sorcha’s there, “We’re halfway-”I’m like, “Hal...
‘Andrea Shotton called me maskier than thou,’ Sorcha goes
07 Jan 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha says we dodged it.And I’m like, “What are you banging on about?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Oh, please, God, no. I can’t become a father again at, like, 42’
31 Dec 2021
Contributed by Lukas
“I think I’ve finally figured it out,” I go – and, yeah, no, I’m talking about the latest restrictions. “If I set the alorm for, like, 2am...
‘It’s such a good present I actually wanted to smash it to pieces – just purely out of spite’
24 Dec 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross makes Sorcha a doubly special Christmas gift.Thanks to everyone who listened to the podcast in 2021. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Hoste...
Sorcha injures her foot, while Honor makes a shocking discovery
18 Dec 2021
Contributed by Lukas
There’s no doubt that Honor takes after her old man in terms of never being afraid to call it.“Why is Dad allowed to get shitfaced with his friend...
The Christmas cards are out, but a problem arises
10 Dec 2021
Contributed by Lukas
“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “we are so on top of Christmas this year!”I’m there, “In terms of?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for...
‘If you have to hide a cash incentive inside a food, it’s almost certainly not worth eating’
03 Dec 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha has pushed the boat out in a major way here. She’s having – get this – a Christmas mother and daughter day with her old dear and Honor an...
'Johnny goes, "My daddy says we’re going to eat a reindeer"'
26 Nov 2021
Contributed by Lukas
“Boys and girl,” the air hostess goes, “we have arrived in Rovaniemi, Lapland – home of Santa Claus!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy...
Of course Santa exists – who do you think drinks all the Heineken?
19 Nov 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha ends up saying the most unbelievable thing when the boys ask if Santa is real Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I lead the boys at gunpoint up the Shelbourne Road’
13 Nov 2021
Contributed by Lukas
It’s a big day for Johnny Sexton. And it’s a big day for me as well. I’m – yeah know – bringing the boys to see the great man win his 1...
‘I can lie – very easily – but not when it comes to rugby’
05 Nov 2021
Contributed by Lukas
An encounter at rugby training sees Ross making an unexpected connection. From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, as...
‘They talk about the Collison brothers, but those chaps have got nothing on you, Honor’
29 Oct 2021
Contributed by Lukas
The famous Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara says he hasn’t been this excited about a business idea since we built all those houses on a floodplain in west ...
‘You are not giving me a combover’
22 Oct 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Blinky the borbor in Monkstown suggests a Jude Law or a Matt Damon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I can’t go bald. I’m 41 – but I’m, like, a young 41?’
15 Oct 2021
Contributed by Lukas
The latest dispatch from Ross O'Carroll Kelly, as read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
'My children are storting to grow on me'
08 Oct 2021
Contributed by Lukas
'Since they storted school at Willow Pork, it’s been rugby, rugby, rugby, with no mention of soccer'From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kel...
‘He has a dreamcatcher tattoo on the back of his wrist. It’s like he does these things deliberately to make me hate him’
01 Oct 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Hennessy pulls out the big guns to help settle a case of caravan arsonFrom The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read b...
"I’m having Vietnam-style flashbacks here"
24 Sep 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Mad as it sounds, sometimes it’s easier to tell the girl the truth. I’m like, ‘Honor burned down the caravan, Sorcha’From The Irish Times, thi...
"Sorcha did Fake Sincerity as an extracurricular subject in Mount Anville"
18 Sep 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha samples kalettes and deactivated pecans as Ross gets accused of arson Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
"First day in Willow Pork for the triplets – the absolute shame of it"
11 Sep 2021
Contributed by Lukas
The cor pork is full of BMW X5s, or, for older moms putting the last of the dynasty through the school, Volvo XC90s. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/pr...
"My fingers are actually shaking as I type my exam number into the laptop"
04 Sep 2021
Contributed by Lukas
The Leaving Cert results are about to go online and Ross's family are gathered around the kitchen island to find out how he's done. Hosted on Acast. S...
‘I genuinely don’t think I’m ready to be a Blackrock dad’
27 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Willow Pork is the only school to take the triplets, they’ve been on Joe Duffy too many times Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more inform...
"Honor says she’s not getting the Covid vaccine"
20 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha’s family conference to discuss registration for teenagers doesn’t quite go to plan Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informat...
"You don't seem angry, like a lot of people who are into the Irish language" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #4
19 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross goes on a date with Marianne the Irish teacher, beginning with Mass.This is the final of four excerpts from the latest Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book ...
"It's a ball, but not an ordinary-shaped ball. This one is, like, round" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #3
18 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
On holidays in Kerry, Ross has a chance encounter with some locals and tries his hand at Gaelic football. The third of four exclusive excerpts from th...
"Out of the hundred or so people seated for dinner, I'm the only one wearing a Leinster jersey" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #2
17 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
This week we're bringing you four exclusive excerpts from the latest Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book, Normal Sheeple, which is released on Wednesday 18th Au...
"Everyone's clapping as Sorcha steers Samantha Power to the front row" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #1
16 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
This week we're bringing you four exclusive excerpts from the latest Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book, Normal Sheeple, which is released on Wednesday 18th Au...
‘His wife moves the cursor on his work laptop every five minutes, so it doesn’t go into sleep mode’
07 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Toni Loscher next door is power-washing the wooden patio again. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I want you to, like, Insta-story my Covid test journey’
30 Jul 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha and her ‘symptoms’ want me to tag along for her PCR test Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
'Are you suggesting I pretend to have Covid?’
23 Jul 2021
Contributed by Lukas
I end up lying on her behalf to get her out of an unwanted visit to – oh my God – Lusk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information...
‘Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara taught me how to drink a Mortini in three mouthfuls’
17 Jul 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross’ father is determined to make sure a birthday party takes place indoors in the Horseshoe Bar Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more in...
‘Ronan showed me how to light a fire and make it look like an accident’
09 Jul 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross can’t face a week in a mobile home with Garret and Claire, but Honor has a plan Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’d rather rip out my molars with a pliers than holiday in Ireland again’
02 Jul 2021
Contributed by Lukas
‘So what’s there to see in Ballycanew?’ ‘A Daybreak and a Londis’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘You’ve massively disimproved with age ... The big, fat rugby head on you’
26 Jun 2021
Contributed by Lukas
I'm looking at the other 41-year-old men and I’m thinking how well I look by comparison Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’ll throw on my nudey lady borbecue apron’
18 Jun 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha panics during a gathering of friends but Ross is on hand to help Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
I’m like Cersei Lannister – refusing to leave the throne
11 Jun 2021
Contributed by Lukas
It’s the first day of the Leaving Cert and my hands are shaking like the old dear’s when I hide the corkscrews Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/priv...
‘There wasn’t even a turn-down service, Judge. I’ll be having flashbacks for as long as I live’
28 May 2021
Contributed by Lukas
‘I’d rather spend next 12 months in prison than endure one more night in a limited services hotel’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for mo...
‘Rugby banter is taking a dump in someone’s shoes’
21 May 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross is pressured into chopping off Christian’s top knot in the name of ‘rugby banter’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informati...
‘Rugby is not pass the porcel, Morcus’
14 May 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Rugby training is back and Brian, Johnny and Leo are in a loser pod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
'Then she says it – the words all south Dublin parents dread'
07 May 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Honor gets frank with Ross after he fails to see the painful truth about his boys’ rugby abilities Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more i...
‘They brought a corvery dinner to my room!’
30 Apr 2021
Contributed by Lukas
‘Who in the name of God eats four types of potato with their dinner?’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We’re looking for Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly. She absconded from quarantine this morning’
23 Apr 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross's parents continue to play by their own rules when it comes to lockdown. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
'I just assumed quarantine wouldn’t affect people like us'
17 Apr 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross's mother finds herself in mandatory hotel quarantine. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Get in before they change their minds and haul your orse back to jail’
09 Apr 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross collects his unrepentant anti-lockdown dad from Mountjoy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
My opening line in the Irish oral was ‘Bonjour’. I never really recovered after that
02 Apr 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Honor devises a strategy for Ross as he attempts the exam for the second time Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘The judge tells us – in, like, legal language – to shut the fock up’
26 Mar 2021
Contributed by Lukas
The old man tells the court he broke lockdown and refuses ‘to live under your mortial law!’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more inform...
‘We’re not a priority for the vaccine.’ ‘Even though we’re rich?’
20 Mar 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Honor learns money can't buy everything as Ross and Sorcha purge their friend lists Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I urge you all – standing here, in the People’s Pork – to remove your masks!’
12 Mar 2021
Contributed by Lukas
It’s a mask-off in Dún Laoghaire as the old man leads an anti-lockdown march Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Netflix is port of the conspiracy! A form of methadone’
05 Mar 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Just google George Soros Molesworth Street and it’s all there! We have all been had... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We can’t just dump all our rubbish in the front gorden, Sorcha'
26 Feb 2021
Contributed by Lukas
'Every single room in this house is haunted by the guilt of my failure’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
"Wuthering Heights is basically the story of my life"
19 Feb 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ross likens his life to Heathcliff’s – especially when it comes to women Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
'After a year of being locked up together, we are sick and tired of the sight of each other’
12 Feb 2021
Contributed by Lukas
‘You asked me the other night was I breathing louder than usual?’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Have you seen the chemtrails over Foxrock this morning?’
05 Feb 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha loses it with Ross’s dad on Zoom when he discusses conspiracy theories Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I know every mork on the floor, the walls and the ceiling of this bor’
29 Jan 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Every – I don’t know – significant thing that ever happened in my life has some association with Kielys of Donnybrook Hosted on Acast. See acast...
‘75? What on earth makes you think I’m 75?’
22 Jan 2021
Contributed by Lukas
‘They’re using the vaccine to force people to say they’re over 70 when they’d pass for 50’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more i...
‘Honor has been, like, homeschooling me’
15 Jan 2021
Contributed by Lukas
I’ve never passed an exam in my entire life. I’m still driving on a provisional Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘The pressure of being the cool parent ends up being too much’
08 Jan 2021
Contributed by Lukas
I stand up on a chair and I take down the three guns... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Do Dry January? That’s crazy talk’
01 Jan 2021
Contributed by Lukas
No booze, swearing or sweets – Sorcha has new year’s resolutions for all the family Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I want a Christmas that Tony Holohan would approve of’
18 Dec 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha is determined to stage a Christmas Day gathering that complies with safety guidelines Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informati...
‘How much moo are we talking – for, like, midnight Mass in, say, Foxrock?’
11 Dec 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Ronan is making a mint from black market Mass tickets until three wise men arrive Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘One of your Three Wise Men stuck his middle finger up at me’
04 Dec 2020
Contributed by Lukas
All of a sudden I’ve got a woman asking me if I find food intolerances funny.. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The kitchen smells of rum. Either my old dear is over or Sorcha’s baking a Christmas cake
27 Nov 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Storting Christmas early could be good for our mental health... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’ve storted a rumour Matt Damon wants to build a house on Coliemore road’
20 Nov 2020
Contributed by Lukas
I just want him to see what people from Dalkey are really like. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Honor was walking around with the blond wig and Make America Great Again sweatshirt’
13 Nov 2020
Contributed by Lukas
‘It’s like The West Wing when Jed Bortlet had to step down and John Goodman became president’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more in...
‘Where is Flavian Way, anyway? It actually sounds more Glenageary than Dalkey?’
07 Nov 2020
Contributed by Lukas
There’s no trick-or-treating this Halloween, but the trolls seem to be out in force. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘You can’t end a relationship with someone by climbing out the window’
07 Nov 2020
Contributed by Lukas
I’m not 100% keen on Honor driving, mainly because she’s 14, has no licence, tax or insurance Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more info...
I can hear the old dear’s hysterical voice going, ‘Better men than you have eaten my one-pot stews!’
23 Oct 2020
Contributed by Lukas
As Sorcha said, I shouldn’t have been throwing the old Gilbert around at her Ulysses fancy dress porty... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for...
‘Johnny actual Sexton is at the front door’
16 Oct 2020
Contributed by Lukas
I throw back the duvet, hop out of bed and step into my chinos, all in one fluid movement Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Ross,’ the old man goes, ‘I’m afraid I’ve made a dreadful mistake!’
09 Oct 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Sounds like Sorcha’s old dear is driving the old man cuckoo in their Brittas Bay love nest Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informati...
‘Oh, right – you’re one of these maskier-than-thou people’
02 Oct 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Talking to strangers on the doorstep is dangerous. Who knows what I might catch? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘I’ve never been much of a conversationalist, but I’m on fire with this woman’
26 Sep 2020
Contributed by Lukas
It storted with the shooting-of-the-s**t that goes with a doorstep package handover Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘They want us to vacate this place so they can use it as a love shack?’
18 Sep 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Sorcha’s old dear and my old man are supposed to be moving into the Lalors’ holiday home in Brittas Bay, except three dudes – studenty types –...
‘I wouldn’t expect an animal to live in that place. And, besides, it’s rented out at the moment’
11 Sep 2020
Contributed by Lukas
The old pair are a bad influence on Honor so the plan was to move them out... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
I’ve seen her drink turpentine and still be sober enough for nine holes in Foxrock
04 Sep 2020
Contributed by Lukas
It looks like she’s a cranky drunk – in that way, she does take after her grandmother Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This is still the Vico Road. Pandemic or no pandemic
28 Aug 2020
Contributed by Lukas
There are landmork moments in our children’s lives. First day of school. First time you hold their hair back so they can vomit a naggin of vodka Hos...
Your old dear is no scene-stealer... she has sticky-out ears and legs like the William Dorgan Bridge
21 Aug 2020
Contributed by Lukas
‘Your dad is the leader of a political porty that believes women should have to re-sit their driving test every six months to prove their competency...
‘I’m going to ask you something,’ Sorcha goes, ‘Have you two been sleeping together?’
14 Aug 2020
Contributed by Lukas
‘I suspected there was something going on. I have a sixth sense for this’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘We could be in DeVille’s among people who get where we’re coming from. Literally the Vico Road’
07 Aug 2020
Contributed by Lukas
The sensible thing to do is to accept defeat early and try to get back on the road before the traffic gets bad Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy ...
We’re not American. This is how people from south Dublin talk?
31 Jul 2020
Contributed by Lukas
The Dingle restaurant owner thinks Ross’s family are from the US – and things get ugly. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informatio...
‘I know none of us should be travelling - but Fock it’
24 Jul 2020
Contributed by Lukas
‘Quinta do Farranfore? I’ve never heard of it’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.