r/Offmychest I Was VIOLATED By a Waterslide

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rSlash 17 min 3 speakers 4 chapters transcribed 1 hour ago

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Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.

What is the premise of the r/Offmychest episode and how does it start?

Ike Barinholtz 0:00

Hey, I'm Ike Barenholtz. On my new show, Funny You Ask, trivia starts the conversation, and then things immediately go off the rails. I ask a question. My guests think they know the answer. Sometimes they do. More often, they do not. And then the conversation takes a turn. One trivia question turns into stories about career highs, painful bombs, and behind-the-scenes moments that probably should have remained private. You'll hear confidence. Misplaced confidence, bold guesses, wrong answers, quick laughs, and the slow realization that maybe this was a bad idea to say out loud. If you like smart comedy, sharp conversations, and trivia that exists purely to melt people's brains, this is Funny You Ask with me, Ike Barenholz.

Ike Barinholtz 0:42

Follow Funny You Ask with Ike Barenholtz on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Unknown 0:49

Tiedätkö on kuka sulla olisi täydellinen kämppi? No Tampereen Mure! Jos sä muutat murenkaa yhteen, niin sä tiedät missä sen kämpän löydät. Just niin, oikotihasta.

rSlash Reads 1:10

Welcome to R/ Off My Chest, where OP gets violated by a water slide. Our next Red of Post is from Xalmoxis. So, me and my friends panicked one day that it's almost the end of August and we haven't already been to an aquapark this summer. Hell, not even the pool. So we decided to get tickets to this awesome aquapark in our city that's also had some new slides added. One particular Slide caught our attention. You go into this coffin-looking thingy uprights, cross your hands over your chest, and then a trap under your feet opens with a countdown, and you get ejected into the pits of hell, basically. This thing goes straight down. Like it just drops you from up in the air like a poop falling down into the toilet.

rSlash Reads 1:55

This sounded insane at first, but we are insane. Seemed like a great idea to just effing fall into the abyss, pose like a dead person in a coffin. Our type of fun. We get to the line. Mind you, this thing is so tall that we had to climb like five sets of stairs to get to it. I decide I'll go first. My heart is racing. I've been on messed up rides and done free-falling attractions before, but you know they hit different when you're in thong. With your cheeks pressed against the plastic tube of death and sorrow that the slide is. And you're waiting for a stranger to basically attempt murder on you. Naked and afraid much? I get in. I joke about famous last words. The guy operating this insists that I cross my legs tightly.

rSlash Reads 2:44

I thought it's just the procedure. Didn't think much about it. Cross my arms and legs superficially. Then, the trap that was literally all that separated me from five stories of height collapses. I had like three seconds of, oh man, I shouldn't have done that. Followed by, Jesus Christ, how is this legal? I must have gotten scared at the sound of the trap opening, and I uncrossed everything. Before I could even process it, I was alone in the dark, free-falling with the Meanest wedgie I've ever received in my life. Remember that I was wearing a thong? The literal type of underwear that's supposed to give you wedgies, like just by putting them on? Well, that was a choice for an aquapark. My effing thong slid through my bits, and oh my god, my butthole too!

rSlash Reads 3:35

Don't ever underestimate physics when water is involved. My thong unironically went up to my bra. I'm surprised my thong even held on. After being power washed by pure gravity for a while, I finally started to tilt and slow down. I swear to god, this wasn't even fun, it was just pain. I reached the end, and to my horror, my whole bathing suit is out of place. I quickly get up to fix it, trying to ignore the pain of that satanic. Wedgie as best I can. And then something slimy starts sliding down my legs. I checked if it was blood, but all was clear, so I figured I'm good. I was headed to the bathroom to see if that demonic wedgie gave me what felt like anal fissures, and the stuff kept coming out of me as I walked.

rSlash Reads 4:24

My boyfriend joked that I pissed myself from terror. I get to the bathroom, sit down, and The chlorinated, most forced double enema of my dreams leaking out.