Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Wave. I'd be happy for him to find some kind of a sports job.
I bet you would. You want him to be watching SportsCenter? Yeah, you're like, get a job at SportsCenter. See if they'll give old dad a tour. I bet you get to take someone around the office every once in a while. Maybe you bring in old dad. Yeah, hey, I'll give pa a chance.
Okay. What's going on?
Yes, we just learned off camera, and maybe people will see it in this episode. I think it's kind of starting to go right now. Where's my camera? This one?
Zoom.
I have developed an eye twitch.
Yeah. And you have one too? I have three weeks of eye twitching. What is going on? I don't know. Here are the things that it could be, people say.
And people are loving to tell me what it is, by the way.
Everyone's an expert on eye twitch. Yeah.
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Chapter 2: What causes an eye twitch and how do people react to it?
Yeah, I'm absolutely pounding water. I don't drink alcohol.
Yeah.
I like water. I go to the bar. I have a water. I have a Diet Coke at worst. So there's no way that it's lack of water.
Yeah.
Could it be lack of sleep? Absolutely. Totally. I don't sleep.
I got like 10 hours last night, though.
You did?
10 hours last night.
Is that a very rare occasion?
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Chapter 3: How does sleep impact health and well-being?
I'm, it's all, everything's happening to me. My bones are decomposing. Every single injury I have is a permanent, like my, both my ankles, my knees. I play hoops. I hoop it up. Yeah. You playing b-ball at all? No, no. My knees and ankles are good right now. I'm constantly in pain. Yeah. What, how old are you? I am 40. You're 47? Can you believe it? I did not know you were 47.
And I look like this? I did not know you were 47. Are you crazy?
You look great.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh, you look spry.
Yeah. Are we canceling the podcast over now?
Oh my gosh.
Shut it down.
That was so much fun talking to you, dude. This was a great episode. We actually should put out like a five minute episode one week. I think that'd be really funny. Just it's five minutes of interview and then it's all the ads. Just back to back to back. My eye is twitching now. That's most people. Is it? I don't see it. Yeah, mine comes and goes. I'm scared of the eye twitch.
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Chapter 4: What experiences shaped Michael's childhood and identity?
I don't know what rickets is. Which means I have like the milk sickness or something. And I'm done. I'm sorry that I went back to iTwitch because I'm afraid that I will go back to it. And this will become, can I say it into camera? The iTwitch episode.
This episode brought to you by iTwitch. This is already the iTwitch episode. Yeah. And I want to tell you... Warby Parker, that's eyes. Hello. Maybe there's a tie-in. Cover up your twitch with a big enough frame. Exactly. Warby Parker. Hey, is your eye freaking out? Warby Parker. Are you a fucked up freak with an eye twitch all the time?
Here's a pair of glasses that might be able to cover that up.
Why not obscure your face with some really goofy frames? Try Warby Parker.
That is quite literally what I'm up to. Obscuring my face with some goofy frames. Keeping it silly. Keeping people distracted from the eye twitch. Oh my God, I'm scared of the iTwitch. Here we are, time of our lives. I mean, really, what do you think is going on with the iTwitch? I'm not kidding. I'm really scared of it. It has to be stress, right? Are you stressed out? All the time.
I don't think so. I mean, I guess it's either all the time or never. And I don't know. Right, right, right. Do you know what I mean?
This is water, so to speak. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Do you know how you feel? Oh my God. What a good question. I think I know how I feel. I do too. Okay. Like you, I always think I'm not stressed out. I'm not depressed. You know what I mean? Like I'm going to the therapist or I'm like, I feel bad.
I feel bad.
And the therapist is like, maybe you're depressed. And I'm like.
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Chapter 5: What humorous thefts do Michael and Caleb discuss?
If I could steal a horse, I would have stolen a fucking horse. What, this horse? No, I brought this. You're riding off on a horse you didn't have before? My horse. This is my horse from home. This is my horse that I brought, that I came in with, the horse I came in on. No, I would steal from anybody. I would steal change. I would steal hats. I would steal little trinkets.
I would steal anything I could get my little hands on. I also stole stuff.
I stole shoplifting. I would steal Choose Your Own Adventure books. That's the thing that I stole. While I was supposed to be in ballet class, I would go around the corner to the bookstore and then just shove my pants full of Choose Your Own Adventure. How many are you getting in there?
Just chock full of books.
No, not your sweats. And then I got caught by the guy. And he was like, I'm going to call your parents. Give me your parents' phone number. And I said, please, please don't do that. And then he didn't call them. So my parents will find out about that right now.
Oh my God. What a nice guy. Very nice guy. Why do you think he took pity on you? Do you have any understanding of that? I assume I was sobbing. Yeah. Were you? Probably. I don't remember. It's also so funny. Like as a kid, you don't really know what's fully available to you. You know, like if an adult were to say to a kid, Hey, I'm going to call your parents. Give me your parents' phone number.
The kid can 100% just go, no, fuck you. And walk away. Yes. But kids don't know that they can do that. So they just like stand there terrified.
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Chapter 6: What childhood shoplifting stories are shared?
Like, Oh, Fucking one, eight, seven. They just give the number.
Yeah, exactly. It's like, you don't have to do that.
I'll dial it for you almost. Kids don't know how often you can just say no to somebody. Fuck off. It's crazy. I think about that all the time. Sometimes I get mad. This is crazy. People will receive this as crazy because it is crazy what I'm about to say. Sometimes I will think of times as a kid that I let someone tell me what to do and I will get mad. And I'll go, I should have told them no.
Such as, please give us a specific example.
I'll think about a teacher being like, Caleb, go sit over there. You're talking too much. And I, as an adult, go, I should have told her to fuck off. What do you mean? I'm sitting right here. I'm not going over there. I'm going to keep talking. You interrupted me. You fucking get out of my face. You keep talking about biology or whatever. I'm talking to Steve. What are you talking about?
I finished my work. Do better. Give me harder work. I'm going to stay right here.
And I get mad. I go, he should have known better. See, I feel like my kids are pretty good.
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Chapter 7: How do Michael and Caleb reflect on their childhood experiences?
Like, they're very self-possessed. I don't know if it's from growing up in Brooklyn or whatever. But I do feel that they would, eh. I feel like they would have the wherewithal to be like, I'd rather not do that.
How old are your kids?
16. Crazy. 13.
Crazy.
Old.
Whoa.
Too old. I don't like it. I mean, I love them so much. They're the best. Yeah. But I just don't like them. I don't like that they continue to age.
I would like to freeze them.
Yeah. A lot of the time, I will be sitting with them, looking at pictures of them, and they'll be talking to me. I'll be like, actually, stop. I'm looking at you.
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Chapter 8: What are their thoughts on parenting and children's aspirations?
I can't come out tonight. Yeah, can't take any classes or leave the home at all.
Sorry, I can't come out at all ever. My dad's sick. Yeah, if I don't play NBA 2K with my dad, he has seizures. No, he'll start seizing for real, guys. I've seen it. Wait, is this bad? I do force my son to play NBA 2K with me. Force him. He'll be like, I don't want to. I want to do homework. I'm like, well. Too bad. Yeah, well, because I said so. No, that's the point of having kids.
Yes, I agree with that. That's totally the point of having kids. Do you want to have kids? I do. Okay. Yeah, I do. How many kids? What kind of kids?
Oh, my gosh. What kind of kids? I'll take any kind. Whatever they'll sell me, you know?
Whatever they got.
Whatever they got. Whatever's left on the market. How many do I want? I think I would love like three. Three kids. That would be great. Kind of a classic. Three would be great. Are you of three? Or are you of what? No, I'm technically of two, but it was very complicated. But I was most... A lot of times I was the only kid in the house. So three would be cool. Yeah.
I definitely don't want just one.
I'm of three. Three good. Three cool for you? Three cool. We have two. I'm not having... I had my penis broke.
Yeah?
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