Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
I know you like interesting and thought-provoking conversations and ideas because you listen to something you should know. So let me recommend another podcast I know you will enjoy. It's The Jordan Harbinger Show. Jordan has a real talent for getting his guests to share stories and offer thought-provoking insights.
Over the years, I've sent a lot of people to listen, and I get feedback from people who are so glad I introduced them to The Jordan Harbinger Show. Recently, he discussed Scientology and the children who are raised in that organization. It's a fascinating conversation. And he talked with Dr. Rhonda Patrick about how to protect your mind and body from the modern world.
And it's tougher than you think. I've gotten to know Jordan pretty well. We talk frequently, and I tell you, he is a very smart, insightful guy who does a hell of a podcast. Check out The Jordan Harbinger Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Negotiation is everywhere, in politics, business, and in almost every part of our daily lives.
When you think about negotiation, you might picture hard bargains, firm demands, and carefully crafted arguments. But what if the real power in negotiation isn't what you say, it's what you ask? And that's why today's SYSK trending topic is how to negotiate by asking the right questions.
In my conversation with negotiation expert Alexandra Carter, we'll discuss how the right questions can completely change the outcome of a conversation. Whether you're negotiating a salary, resolving a conflict, or just trying to get to yes. So what should you be asking? And when? And how do you use questions to steer the conversation in your favor? We'll find out right after this.
When you want something that someone else has, you negotiate to get it. That's how it all works. We do it all the time, at work, at home, when you buy a car, you negotiate. It may not always feel like a negotiation, but it is. So how good you are at negotiating really matters. And here to make you better at it is Alexandra Carter.
She is a clinical professor of law and director of the Mediation Clinic at Columbia Law School. And she spent the last several years helping thousands of people negotiate better, build relationships, and reach their goals. She's the author of a book titled, Ask for More, 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything. Welcome to Something You Should Know.
Thanks so much for having me. It's great to be here.
I think a lot of people look at negotiating as a game, a game they're not particularly good at. And so they don't like playing it because they're not very good at it. And it can get messy. And it's just something we'd rather not do. How do you look at it?
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Chapter 2: How can asking the right questions change negotiation outcomes?
And I find that that is where negotiation has to start. A lot of people think it starts from the moment you sit down with somebody else and that's too late. It starts by sitting down with yourself and asking the right questions so that you go into that negotiation with power. Power is actually not about bluster or aggression. Power is about knowledge.
And the more you know about yourself and about your situation by raising the right questions, the more I have seen people go in and perform with tremendous confidence.
So let's talk about the 10 questions that you suggest people ask in a negotiation.
The first five questions are what I call the mirror questions. And those are ones, as the name would suggest— where you are asking yourself. And it's five great questions that you can do in 30 minutes or less to really give you that incredible clarity and peace and perspective that you need when you're going in. And then the second five questions are the window questions.
And those, for your listeners, if anybody has ever gotten in a room with somebody else or sat down and blanked on what they wanted to say, You're never going to do that again because you're going to have at your fingertips five great questions that are going to produce a lot of value in any conversation you have. So it's mirror and window.
And so let's talk about some of the specific questions, starting with the mirror questions. What are they?
A lot of times people assume, because I coach a lot of folks in negotiation, they assume that they need to start with the solutions. You know, let's say you're sitting down with a contractor to talk about a bathroom renovation and they think they should just go in and start talking about the numbers. That is not the question you need to ask.
The first place to start every negotiation is asking this question. What's the problem I want to solve? We always have to start by thinking about what it is that we're actually trying to accomplish. Let's take the bathroom, right? So let's say, for example, the problem you're trying to solve is that you're renovating your bathroom because you're going to sell your house.
That is one set of decisions, right? Maybe you're putting stuff in there that you think other people will like. Or are you renovating the bathroom because you're going to live there for the next 30 years? Or maybe even that your spouse had an accident and you need wheelchair access. In that case, thinking about the problem you're trying to solve, all of your decisions flow from that.
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Chapter 3: What mindset should you adopt for effective negotiation?
So you're going to have to pick another. I use a lot of humor when I'm responding to people. I try, first of all, to stay calm and be the grownup, no matter what. And where I need to, I simply revert back to, that's not gonna help us here today. What you've told me is, here's what your goals are, and here's what I'm telling you we need to get there. And I repeat and rinse and repeat as necessary.
I stay calm. Sometimes I'll even summarize what they say. If they're going off on a ridiculous rant, I'll say, hold on a second. I just want to make sure I heard you right. And I will repeat some of the ridiculous rant. It's amazing how sometimes when people have left their senses, they hear their own words played back to them. And it's kind of sobering. So I stay calm. I summarize.
I repeat that that behavior is not going to help them get to the goal that they want. And then if it persists, I simply say, you know, thanks for your time. And when you're ready to have a more productive discussion, give me a call.
Well, I admire your thoughtfulness and self-control. I imagine that's come with a lot of practice. I've been speaking with Alexandra Carter. She's a clinical professor of law and director of the Mediation Clinic at Columbia Law School. And she's author of the book, Ask for More, 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything. And you'll find a link to that book at Amazon in the show notes for this episode.
Thanks, Alex.
All right. Well, thanks so much. I hope this was helpful.
Thank you for listening to this SYSK Trending episode on the art of negotiation. And feel free to share this with someone you know. I'm Micah Ruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know.
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