The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya
The Silence of the Hooves with Trixie and Katya
13 Jan 2026
Chapter 1: What mysterious message does Silas P. Hoofman convey?
Welcome aboard Via Rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and sip. Play. Post. Taste. View. And enjoy. Via Rail. Love the way.
Do you know that song, Semi-Charmed Life in the 90s? I want something. I hate that song. It's about meth, apparently. Great. Is it? Yeah. Ugh. I don't like songs about stuff. Just kidding.
Chapter 2: How do Trixie and Katya humorously critique 90s songs?
I love math.
I hate the song.
No, it's about math? I guess. Say more. Well, I was thinking, this could be my new karaoke song. I really like it. And I looked up the lyrics, and as I was reading them, I was like, wait a minute. Is it like, the pookie's in my mouth with my torch lighter? Girl, you want to talk pookie? No, explain to me more about why this song is about math. Well, let me show it to you. Okay.
Did you watch the Devo documentary? No. No. She who doesn't watch TV. Snatched me together. Really? Snatched me together. It was incredible. I'm not done with heated rivalry, but we ended on a cliffhanger. So I want to jump off the cliff. I'm packed and I'm holding. I'm smiling. She's living. She's golden. She lives for me. Says she lives for me. Ovation.
Chapter 3: What wild story leads to a discussion about taxidermy?
Okay, wait. I'm packed. I'm holding. And I could make you smile like a drug for you. Okay. It could be about Benadryl. No, no, no. It gets crazier. The sky was gold. It was rose. I was taking sips of it through my nose. I wish I could get back there smiling. Okay. Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break. Don't you think that's a little obvious? You're joking. Oh my God.
Doing crystal meth lift you up until you won't break. It won't stop. It won't come. Then I keep stuck. Literally doing crystal meth is in the lyrics. Yeah. With a TikTok rhythm, a bump for the drop. Okay. So I think that you're probably right. And the thing is, when I was in college, I took play analysis and we learned a lot about like metaphor. And I think this is not a metaphor.
I think they're just saying meth. I had no idea. She was dragging that dead horse at the restaurant. It's such a feel good piece. It's like a rom-com song. I asked her, did you kill your sister? And he said, yes. And I thought, something. Wait, cliffhanger, cliffhanger. Oh, right. Previously on Bald and the Beautiful, taxidermy. Right. So Andrew and I moved to the studio.
I'm just like taking care of the last little pieces of shit in my red room. A taxidermied antelope falls on my head. The horn pierces my head. And gashes it open. You better stop. Mary, I got pictures and I've got stitches on my head right now. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You had to get stitches? Honey, listen to this. So the contractors are at my house. It happens.
They did the stitches? No, no, no, no, no. Staple gun. We did everything wrong first. So it hurt so bad because the thing was very heavy. So the weight of it, it's 20 pounds, 25 pounds. And the horn... the point of the horn broke off and after it sliced me, I was stunned. Like I was, I was like, Oh, it like hurts so bad. And I don't, I haven't, I haven't been injured in so long. Like, Oh, Oh.
And, and I, I go blood just is, I grabbed like a, a, a cloth, soaked it in blood. I had to get another one. Then I go upstairs to the deck and I, the guys are working out there. I just point to my, I go like, I'm like, what do you want them to do? help. Is Andrew there? No, no, no, no. This is my, this is my house. Andrew's, Andrew's not interested. You're bleeding.
He's like, he's like, no, but so Lester, the, the contractor comes down. He's like, I'm like, I'm bleeding. And I'm like, like silent screaming and pointing at myself. And we go downstairs cleaning with alcohol. Don't do that. Burns. Yeah, but also it dries it out. It's not what you're supposed to do. It's soap and water. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Soap and water. And then you press, press, press.
We put three, four giant bandages on it, bled through all of them. And I was like, then I put like ice on it. What day was this? This was, oh gosh. Was this after Christmas or before Christmas? I have the picture so I can tell you exactly the date. Did you have to go to the hospital? So I didn't go. I was like, that happened in the late afternoon. And then I'm like, I don't know. I Googled it.
I was like, the gash was long. And so I'm like, it says like if the cut is more than like,
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Chapter 4: How does a taxidermied antelope impact a personal experience?
half inch you should probably go get stitches so i had um last year when when one of the times i went cuckoo bananas uh our manager signed me up for this like um kind of fancy health service and i got charged for renewal and i was i called to like get it canceled because it was a lot of money they come to your house no no no no no but it's just like you go to them and you don't wait or anything it's very very fierce but it's it's very expensive
So I called the day before to get it canceled. Nobody answered. So I was like, shit, I want to go to the urgent care around the corner. I look it up, 251 star reviews. So I called this place and I was like, hey, I have this. I think I need stitches. I told them the thing. An antelope fell on me. And then, and they're like. By the way, that antelope, revenge of the antelope. Thank you.
He didn't want to be on your wall. How do we know that? What was she wearing? Was he smiling? I got a picture. I've seen that antelope. He's like, but so I, so I was, I was talking to the woman. So nice. I was like, what should I do? Should I go to the urgent care? He's like, well, listen, it's where you're about 10 to 15, 10 to 12 minute drive from here.
You could take 12 minutes to get here and you must be seen immediately. There's nobody here. We will patch you up and you'll be out of here in 10 minutes. Did that happen? Or you can go to the urgent care, wait three hours. Mary, I go there. It is in... You need to tell me about this. Mama, I go to... It is... Send me the link. Baby, this place was hidden... It was no door.
Like, it was like, it was like, you would not know. It was like, it was so dark in the street. It was like, you could never find, you know, they're like, it's, it's this place. You're not going to find the door. They, they buzzed me in and girl. They treat me immediately, so fiercely. The nurse is incredible. The doctor was amazing. I'm out of there in 15 minutes with stitches.
You need to send me this. Yeah. Because, you know, I need to go to the doctor every four days or so. Any other hospital would have been... I just had a... You know what I mean? Like, people have, you know, motorcycle accidents. No, for sure. You know? And I don't have a PCP right now.
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Chapter 5: What unexpected injury occurs during home renovations?
So, look, this is... Oh, my God. Girl, that looks deep. It's nasty. If I was there with you and I saw that, I would have said, we need to go to the hospital right now. It's huge. The lump. I got scared because I did the pressure and the bump was big and it was not stopping bleeding. I found a rag later completely soaked in blood.
Wouldn't it be fierce if all the meth, none of it damaged your brain, but this was it? An antelope. Wouldn't that be fierce?
An antelope.
No, I mean, that is exactly what's going to happen. I will be like, I'll be like hardcore drag user of the home. I'd love just to get hit by a car on my way to a meeting. You know what I mean? Love it. It's like being diabetic and getting hit by an insulin truck. Yeah. I want to, actually, I don't want to show you because the way that I had to give myself a haircut- I had to shave around.
So it's an island of hair right now out there? It is a strange island. It is a... Lost. It's the movie Lost.
It's Lost.
It's the show Lost. The smoke monster. But yeah, it's... And I have to go back to get them taken out. Shit, girl. I thought they were going to staple or glue or something. That's okay. Listen, the story of this is this beautiful piece of art in your home that fell on your head. I want to auction it off because, girl... Oh, it really broke. Fuck. That horn. Holy crap, girl.
You're lucky it wasn't your eye, bitch. I know. I love my eye. I wish it was me and it fell off my butt. Wouldn't that be kind of... Well, Andrew was in our new studio. We had a pegboard. And I was like, what if you come to the studio one day and I'm sitting on the pegboard screaming.
Pegging.
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Chapter 6: How does the conversation shift to health and wellness?
She brings her own airplane seat on the flight. She's gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan. What? She's next level prohibitive with her health. But is it Demi Moore with only raw vegan? She basically was like, Trixie, you cannot be having Celsius. She was like, you cannot be having energy drinks. Black tea turns you up. She said, you need to get your nervous system down.
You don't need to be having fucking caffeine and alcohol. She's like, you need to be like, she's right. Bite the bullet and you need to fucking listen to ASMR. Well, guess what I got for Christmas? What? An inversion table. What is that? You hang it like a bat? Flip it upside down. Decompress your spine. Parasympathetic nervous dissonance. Excited. I've never used it. I haven't set it up yet.
I hope part of my gift is that somebody also sets it up for me because I was just given it and now I'm like, oh, good. A project. It's like being shipped like an Ikea furniture thing. Yeah. Okay, great. And I've been working so much on music stuff at home and I have my dining room set up with my little keyboard and my computer and I'm working on a bunch of new music, but...
I was thinking of converting my basement into a small studio, but I don't know if that's crazy. Mary, what's happening to your body is crazy. You need to fight crazy with crazy. You think? You need to fight crazy with insane. But I'm trying to relax my system by making sure I exercise every day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sleep the full eight hours.
Yes.
Don't bomb my body with caffeine like I've been doing. Sleep is, yeah, you can't, no caffeine. Sleep is non-negotiable and you have to meditate. And breathing. Like deep breaths. Calming, like it's corny, but taking the moments during the day.
It's not corny.
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Chapter 7: What are the insights shared about the TikTok Awards?
Did you scream? Did she scream? I didn't want to be rude, so I said, nice tits. Look at those jugs. Oh, I'd like to slide my cock between those hot tits. She had her shirt over her head, so she didn't see me either. She was spared the embarrassment, and I just felt like... And you gained the titillation. It's not my normal gym, so I just...
Walked in, and by the way, both bathrooms look the same except W and M. Wicked witch. Like the same letter. And you were in a handstand, so you saw M. Yeah. So I just walked out and went in the other bathroom. But also, I'm such a fag, I feel equally out of place in the men's room. I'm like, ladies. Girl. Ladies with an attitude. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I do know what you mean.
I don't like any locker rooms. I forgot my lock at the gym, so I had to buy a lock. Guess how much the Planet Fitness lock is. I got it from a vending machine in the men's room. $10? $15. Wow. Fierce. That's actually not bad. But it's the kind that you can make your own code. And I'm telling you at 36, no new four number codes. I can't do it. No, baby.
I do my ATM pin when I go to the gym because they have the ones that you just. Yeah. You have to pick something you know. But Mary, how many times do you think I've gone down to the front desk and say, I forget which locker I had. Oh, that's easy to do because it's not your lock on it. If it's your locker, like that's me. Yeah. But when there's no locker. That's what I mean. Yeah.
So how about once I we checked every locker in the wrong room? Fierce. But then now I always take a picture. You have the same with parking. We had our little Trixie cosmetics. It tells you where the car is. Right. But it doesn't, you know, although I do have an air tag. Oh, that's nice, too. I could probably ding it. You could ding it.
Do you have the type of app that tells you where the car is, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, great. Love that.
I think the Volvo has that. I don't know how to fucking use it. Wait, it doesn't beep. It goes, oh. Nice tits. Yeah, nice jugs. I'm going to slide my cock through your tits. Through the tits? Oh, between.
Okay.
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Chapter 8: What humorous interactions occur at the TikTok Awards?
National Toss the Fruitcake Days, Watch Out You Idiot. And National Whipped Cream Days, Get Naked and Put Some Whipped Cream on Your C**k. Or my boldest work yet, which I just wrote yesterday for this year's National Hot Pastrami Day. Kiss me please, I may be a sandwich, but I still need love. To sell these melodic treasures, I needed a proper website, and Squarespace was the answer.
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Build your next brilliant site with Squarespace. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I went to, you know that place we went to that- Din Tai Fung? No, no, no. Century City Mall when we went on the meeting with our agents.
Oh, the one where- By the way, I think it's okay to laugh about it now. The one where they abandoned us on the side of the road and we had to walk home? Kachi and I made this innocent joke on the pod that they all had cars and we had no cars. So we had to Uber home.
That was the time, if you guys have been listening a long time, that was the time I was running to the Uber and I looked over my shoulder smiling. Oh, yeah, you were leaving Miss Smoking Robinson in the dust. I was like... You were like Jackie Joyner Kersey. Oh, yeah. I was Sha'Carri Wilson. It was awesome.
I had a wig on.
Not one beat of sweat. I get in the car drenched. Right. I had a wig on and popsicle sticks on my fingers. Smoking a joint. Yeah, smoking a joint. So... By the way, we have to talk about the Olympics because it's coming to LA, baby. We got to talk about the Olympics.
Not for three years. Two years.
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