Humanity is Doomed
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What is the opening banter and who are the guests on this episode?
The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4,000. Am I a bit close to the mic here? Is that all right? Okay, okay. You can keep that, Ben,
if
you want.
Hello,
viewers. Good to show what goes on around the magic perfection. Welcome to issue 4,390 of the Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World. It's the 14th of September, 2026. I'm Andy Zaltzman, and I'm in London, the city where angels are, in fact, quite happy to tread, as proved by the fact that two of them are right here with me now. What? How's that? Nice. Wow. Nish Kumar, Sarah Barron, happy September. Little baby angel,
so
nice to be here.
Yeah.
What's going on
with you? What? Why are you... You think he's chipper? Why are you introducing us with compliments? I don't know. You have a cologne. That's not the house style of this podcast.
No,
I
know. Have you had a
haircut
as well? I had a haircut a few weeks ago. I
haven't seen you in a while.
Yeah. Sure. I had a haircut. I haven't had my paint
polished yet. Did you pay a professional to do it? Or did you, as is custom, make your overqualified wife do
it? It's a year beginning with two, Nish. That means I did not pay a professional to cut my hair. My wife has a doctorate, not in coiffuring, but she does a solid job on it.
Yes, her surname isn't Sassoon.
Does she ever ask you, how does the haircut work in your house? Does she go, I'm going to have at that, or do you go, I need help?
Sometimes, I mean, I need help generally just in life. So that's sort of understood really rather than spoken. That's beautiful. Normally, it's when I start finding myself sitting on the sofa literally tearing out of my head that I think they probably need to get it cut. Am I sharing too much?
I think you've got the glow because you've done nothing this summer apart from go on holiday and watch cricket.
I think that's why you've got
the kind of glow. That
could be a big part of it. How was your summer of cricket? Well, I mean, cricket itself was non-vintage, albeit it did have some of the... craziest stuff including I mean the cricket itself was not great but Pakistan did I think did I mention this last week they sent seven of their squad home and sacked their coaching staff and brought in a load of new players one of whom at the age of 21 in his first game last week in this weekend just gone in Birmingham hit nine sixes tying the all time record for most sixes in the test innings in England would you believe you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that
You do, however, need to be a cricket statistician.
So wait, is that good? Yeah, that was good. The sky is the dream.
Yeah, it was amazing. The great hope. Yeah, so that rescued the summer
a bit. You got in a... I saw a little clip of you. You got in a feud with Australian cricket legend David Warner, but sort of by accident.
Yeah, I mean, when you say I got in a feud with it, I've had no contact with David Warner.
LAUGHTER
I don't know if he's attempted to contact me because I'm dormant on social media I don't know these things so what happened was and it was nothing to do with me this beef what happened was that's
what Kendrick Lamar said
Andy but it's not
who starts the beef it's who ends it okay
look what happened was I quoted David Warner came up in a stat that was not particularly flattering to him so a pair in cricket for those unfamiliar with it which if you've been listening to Bugle this long you should really know what it is now
I'm going to speak for Sarah Barron here and say she's going to need a clarification.
When a player gets nought in both innings and the Pakistan opener, one of the players flown in as an emergency with absolutely no practice, unsurprisingly didn't do very well. So two noughts. So I looked up the last opening about us to get two noughts against England. The last two were both David Warner. So I mention this on air. Now the BBC, because it's the 2020s, they then put little snippets on their text commentary and they put a picture of me with this stat. on their text commentary. Then David Warner puts up an unrelated social media message criticising another Australian cricketer for not doing very well, at which point the English Barmy Army, England's cricket supporters, who are, I'm not sure they're technically, I don't know what the medical state of Barmyness is, and they're not armed, but anyway, that's the name they
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