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Chapter 1: What is the significance of Donald Trump's 80th birthday?
The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4,383 of The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world, with me, Andy Zaltzman, recording here in London on the 15th of June, 2026, right at the beginning of a new age of eternal global peace. Subject to conditions. Eternality may not be eternal. Global may not encompass the entire globe. Peace may involve war.
I am here in London where peace, like most things, was of course invented by the British and exported joyously around the world. I think my history is a bit sketchy on that. But no one has yet disagreed with me, so we'll crack on.
And joining me live, alive and in as many dimensions as you can shake a stick at, here with me in the studio on this beatifically God-given day of serene rejoicery, two people who love nothing more than an everlastingly harmonious and just planet, Tom Ballard and Nish Kumar. Welcome, both of you. What a day.
Hello, Andy. Hello, Buglers. A huge day.
Chapter 2: How did Elon Musk become the world's first trillionaire?
I can taste peace, Andy. And it tastes a lot like toothpaste. I've recently brushed my teeth. I don't know whether the two things are connected.
Well, you never do these days, do you? Bloody earth. Peace be upon you. Thanks very much, Tom. Is that what we say on the days? I believe so. That's what we say every day. Welcome to the Northern Hemisphere. Thank you so much. You got here a couple of weeks ago, I think.
Yes, I was originally going to fly here via Dubai, but because of all the peace, I had to redirect to Singapore.
Chapter 3: What new discoveries have been made about goblin sharks?
That was a peace transition, but I've been to Ireland and now I'm in beautiful London, telling my jokes and celebrating peace. That's good. How are you going to mark this history?
I'll be celebrating peace the way I celebrate any major outbreak of peace, Andy. I'll be shooting guns up in the air on the roof of my house. That's how I mark every celebration. And what I would say is, I don't want to dox us too much, but you live worryingly close to me. I would urge you and your family to stay indoors tonight because I will be shooting guns.
It's the purest celebration of peace because what you're saying when you fire guns in the air is I no longer need these bullets. And so I can empty them into the sky because I don't have to shoot them at whoever we were currently at war at. Given the slightly straightened nature of the UK's defence budget at the moment, is that a wise use of resources?
No, we should be harvesting these bullets, but I'll be shooting them in the air regardless.
It's like when you have a big party and you give some leftover food to people on the street.
You know, you're like... That's going to be me out of the retractable roof of my house. You could have a retractable roof.
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Chapter 4: What are the implications of the UK's defense budget cuts?
It was originally for orgies, Andy. It was originally to bring an alfresco air to all the mass humping that takes place in my house.
Jesus Christ! Showbiz is as showbiz was.
LAUGHTER It's so clearly a joke because I have to be honest with you that even a threesome would multiply my total number of people slept with by an embarrassing amount. Do you think a virgin's ever made their debut at an orgy? Surely not.
No, listen, you know, in many ways, like, Crescencio Somerville has only recently been picked for the Dutch international football team, and he's immediately been thrown into a World Cup. Maybe that's the equivalent. But he had played football. He had played football before. Well, listen, presumably the Virgin has masturbated before, so there's some kind of experience that's been accrued.
I don't remember that reading of the Bible about the early... Anyway, look, let's... The main thing is there's peace, Andy.
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Chapter 5: How is Andy Burnham positioning himself for a leadership challenge?
The main thing is there's peace.
It's an orgy of peace.
An orgy of peace. There's so much peace. We literally don't know what to do with it. I'm covered in peace. More on this later. We are recording on the 15th of June, 2026, which is World Nature Photography Day. So have you guys photographed any bits of nature yet to mark this special day?
No, but I do. My favourite ever nature photograph was taken by people listening to this podcast. I think we'll probably be familiar with this or certainly some of them. David Beckham's son, Brooklyn Beckham, has had sort of various. I will say I almost respect the boy's inability to benefit at all from his parents' privilege. He's tried various careers.
Chapter 6: What are the reactions to the latest ugly shark news?
It's never worked out for him. There's something likeable to me about an unsuccessful Nepo baby. I'm sort of charmed by him. But at one point, he did have a photography book, like a coffee table photography book release. And in it, it featured an out-of-focus picture of an elephant under the caption, elephants, beautiful to look at, but hard to photograph. LAUGHTER
So that's my entry for greatest nature photograph on this of all days.
So that's got to be right up there. I mean, I admire the diversity of Beckham Jr. 's portfolio. I mean, that puts him... He's basically the Michelangelo of the 21st century, as far as I'm concerned. The breadth of things he's attempted. He's a Michelangelo of failure.
So anyway, to mark World Nature Photography Day, obviously it's a bit difficult on what is an audio newspaper, even though it's now filmed through devices like whatever I'm pointing at now. I remember when all this was filmed.
Chapter 7: How does the podcast address the intersection of politics and celebrity?
We have some audio nature photographs for you to conjure up in your mind, including... A brightly coloured frog on a leaf, thinking about whether it prefers water or land. The curse of the amphibian. A mountain vulture crapping off a cliff to see if it can hit a car window from a height of 2,000 feet. A cod and a potato plotting their revenge on the fish and chips industry.
A sad polar bear perusing the window display of an estate agent's dreaming one day of owning its own home again. And a blushing semi-priapic whale saying sorry for the misunderstanding to a submarine.
Those are your nature photographs. Semi-priapic whale Donald Trump secret service code name. It's a real mouthful. It's almost like they're trying to get the guy in trouble. Semi-private. Has been harpooned. Has been harpooned.
And as always, a section of the Bugle is going straight in the bin.
Chapter 8: What are the main themes of this episode of The Bugle?
This week, we have... Well, it's in the bin, but I do encourage you all to audio read it. It's a charity update section. Thanks to everyone who responded to last week's appeal to contribute to help Amelia, the four-year-old daughter...
of my friend Will, a long-term bugler who way back in 2008, when he worked at a cricket website, asked me to write a cricket blog that opened a door, which led to me now being paid to watch and talk about international cricket and buy coloured felt-tip pens in my 50s. His daughter, Amelia, has Down syndrome.
She's already been through a hell of a lot in her life, including two heart operations, the first at six months, and then in March this year, a severe stroke as a result. as well as increased care and physiotherapy needs. Will and his partner are having to modify their home for Amelia's changed needs in life.
And I'm calling upon all you buglers who are able to, and many of you have already, to contribute whatever you can to help. Go to helpamelia.com. The link is in the show notes. There's more details there on Amelia and Will and their family and how your generosity will help them. cope with what life has thrown their way.
So thanks to those who have contributed already, and thanks in advance to all of you who are about to do so. Anyway, that section is in the bin, but please do fish it out of the bin. That's in the bin? It can't be in the bin, Andy. It's in the bin. It cannot be in the fucking bin. Okay, it's in the bin, but you can take bits out of the bin. No, don't do that either. It's a metaphor or literally.
Okay, I've taken it out of the bin. Just forget the bin.
It's an official... Lovely section. Lovely cause. Great work.
It's just section. It's just section. Okay? It's just section. The official section of the bin this week is Nish Kumar's orgy guide. That's the official... Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that. One of these f***ing people is going to make that book cover. Nish Kumar's orgy ought to celebrate Nature Photography Day. It's a coffee table book of some of my best orders.
One of these people is going to make that.
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