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Chapter 1: Why do we feel politics in our legs?
The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers. I'm Andy Zaltzman, and welcome to The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visible world. This is issue 4,380 of The Bugle, so numbered because that is the approximate temperature here in London, in Fahrenheit, not Celsius. It's... It's hot. It's damn hot. Real hot.
So hot that the pigeons are falling from the sky, fully roasted, spontaneously served with a summer side salad and a blackberry coulis. So hot that other cities that have never really been that into London have been asking it out on a date. So hot.
that the statue of Horatio Nelson on top of the conveniently named Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square has stripped down to his underpants and smeared all the bird shit over his face to use as sun cream, so hot that the city's many sinners have been having second thoughts at the prospect of spending an eternity in the fiery bowels of hell, because frankly, a couple of days at this level of hotness is too much for us here, so hot that the rule of three has simply ceased to apply, so hot
That a journey on the tube basically turns you into a nice hot cup of tea. So hot that the words of sentences start melting into our... In other words, hot. Luckily, we're in quite a cool basement in a studio because I am joined in three dimensions in person by my two guests who grew up in Australia and India where it's obviously never been as hot as it is in London right now.
Chapter 2: Is it possible to cheat at the Enhanced Games?
Felicity Ward and Anuvab Pal. Hello to both of you.
Lovely. A bit chilly, actually. I'm about to grab a cardigan. 33, though. 33 degrees. I mean, it's really days like this. I've been in London for 13 years now, and it's on days like this that I go, maybe I could live here.
You know what I mean?
Anuvab, you've popped over again from what will be the temperature in Mumbai right now? Mumbai is cooler. Right.
It's definitely cooler than this. Look, I was looking at The Economist magazine's biggest Indian exports to the United Kingdom in the last 10 years.
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Chapter 3: What is 'Melodi' and why is it a political love story?
And there's food and yoga up there. I'm going to put weather in there as well. Because the tropics are here. This is what I didn't realize that, you know, I've come at different times of the year. I have never seen a nation collectively lose its mind. I saw a man, I'm Airbnb in Norbury. I saw a man with a lampshade on his head.
Well, that's needs must to the extreme.
Yeah. I mean, that could be the weather. It could be someone who just rates the quality of their ideas so highly that in case he has a blinding light bulb moment, he needs to shade the rest of the world.
He's Descartes. London is also an absolute pinnacle of fashion, and you don't know what's around the corner. Lamb shades could be the next big thing.
I hadn't even looked at it from that side.
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Chapter 4: Why are trains so bad in the UK?
It's called fashion. You heard of it?
Clearly not.
Listen, you've known me a long time. I need to clean my glasses. I've forgotten who I was sitting with.
Thank you.
And trains kind of decide where they want to go on warm weekends. Like I was trying to get a southern train, but it was heading in the northerly direction. They just make, especially bank holiday, trains, heat.
Have they imported that from India too?
It's like the trains are optional. That makes me really comfortable because I was once on a Mumbai Bangalore that was 48 hours late and there were no announcements.
So once it gets there, then I'll be really at home.
Yeah, sure.
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Chapter 5: What can we learn from the history of British politics?
Anyway, it has been the hottest, I think, hottest May day ever in the history of the UK.
Look, this is very embarrassing. I fucking love talking about the weather. I love talking about the weather. And I know when it is hot, everyone wants to talk about the weather. So not only am I enjoying just the heat itself, but also the inane chat. It really, I like, I am neurodivergent, but I feel like weather is a specialist subject for me.
I can really tap in and have a hyper focus and talk about the weather.
Is it like this elsewhere? Like when it gets this hot, the BBC news lady, she makes it really personal. Like last night, she was like, look, I know you can't sleep. And I was like, why are you so angry? I'm sorry. I can sleep.
Yeah.
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Chapter 6: How does the Enhanced Games reflect on our species?
At some point we'll learn to live with it. No, you won't.
What do the British people ever learn to live with?
Nothing. Yeah, that is a fair point. We've certainly not learned to live with ourselves. We are recording on the 26th of May, 2026. On the 27th of May, 1798.
Well, this is a story that if you think our politicians are strange and idiotic now, in 1798 on the 27th of May, there was a duel between the Prime Minister, William Pitt the Younger, and the effective leader of the opposition, George Tierney, following a bit of a disagreement in the House of Commons. Yes.
So because their honours couldn't possibly be seen to be slighted, they decided to have a duel, which they had on Putney Heath, but fortunately they were both absolutely useless at shooting pistols. Fabulous. So they survived.
Wake Markman. Yeah.
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Chapter 7: What are the implications of bringing back extinct species?
What was the temperature that day?
It doesn't say. Let's say it was 40 degrees. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Why can't they do that now? Isn't there some sort of a prime ministerial contest going on now? Why can't they bring that kind of thing back?
Well, look, it's that kind of sensible, logical thinking that this country needs. You know, there's a lot of talk about going back to our glorious past. In our glorious past, prime ministers quite often had duels. I think we talked about it. Duke Wellington had a duel. We talked about it a little while ago on The Bugle, I think, when he was prime minister. William Pitt the Younger.
Two of our more famous prime ministers.
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Chapter 8: What are the current issues with HS2 and British infrastructure?
So bring back dueling and see this country fly.
There is something, I don't know if I'm naive or dumb, but when you said duel, I thought swords. Right. I thought fencing.
No, pistols.
Pistols. Sick.
Yeah.
Less knife crime, more pistol crime. That's right.
But both qualify.
Yes.
Sword fight is even better. And if nothing else, in 200-odd years' time, you'll get a decent hip-hop musical out of it. Where are the negative points?
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