Chapter 1: Why is Bryan absent in this episode?
Dead to the world. And it's only Tuesday.
On this episode of the Commercial Break.
Every time I start these episodes, I feel like I have to apologize because I'm bringing you a best of. But you know what? As a woman of the world, I'm just not doing it anymore. And I'll probably bring that up in therapy. Anyway, unfortunately, Brian is out of commission post-throat surgery. So he said, Christina, it's time for you to shine, my darling. It's time for you to do your job.
And to that, I say, sir, yes, sir. So here we are on a Tuesday, no less, with another best of episode. Now, however you feel about best ofs, I know you're going to enjoy this one because these episodes are funny regardless of how many times you've heard them. And I would know.
Since Brian has just had surgery, I thought to myself, what is topical, hard-hitting, informative news that I can give to this serious, cool, and collected audience? And the answer came to me. Another time when Brian had surgery. I know. I know. I am a genius. So, I'm taking you back to the time when Brian got a vasectomy. I mean, it's a procedure.
And we're starting off with his emotional and physical preparation for said procedure. Enjoy and you're welcome.
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. If I have the world's biggest yacht, you know what I'm putting in there? I'm putting in a manscaping room where I have a team of people that are just there to trim up my shenanigans. And then I'm also having a butthole tanner. I'm just putting a butthole tanner. I'm having someone hold a black light to my bum hole all the time.
And then I have a third room for bleaching my butthole. Because, you know, why not? If you have billions of dollars, why wouldn't you bleach your butthole? Right.
I don't want to.
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Chapter 2: What humorous story does Christina share about Brian's vasectomy?
I don't know what they put on there, but we might find out pretty soon. We might have to take a second job bleaching assholes here from the studio. We'll make TikTok videos out of it. I still, I got this person on my Instagram. I do not follow, but she keeps on popping up. She is a...
wax specialist for down there like a like a you know french bikini or yeah i think i have the same person popping up do you mind yeah and all you see is like she'll put like a little cucumber like a tiny little cucumber over the vulva but the rest of the vagina is is clearly there she's getting around the instagram filter very wide very slyly but she's basically showing the vaginas before and after what these people do and and the butt too and i'm like wow
Is that that's a lot of work going on down there. That's a lot of work going on down there. And it seems like it's all just painful. Like, yeah. When you get a bikini wax, is that painful? Yes.
Yes. They're ripping literally ripping hair out of the roots of your skin follicle.
And why not shave? Because it doesn't last as long. Is that right?
Yeah.
Different people do it for different reasons, but yes, it doesn't last as long. But I'm a shave fan.
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Chapter 3: How does the conversation shift to personal grooming and aesthetics?
I'm a shave fan, too. Yeah, you aren't going to catch me fucking... I've done a lot of it. Putting wax on my pee-pee. This pee-pee is a prize right here. Anybody that gets that is going to come with a little extra hair. You know what I'm saying? I was going to go get my... my tubes tied a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't because of the ever ongoing flu and cold situation here at the house.
No one's ever healthy a hundred percent of the time. So I called and of course I had to say, Hey, listen, I got to move my, my vasectomy because I'm sick and I don't want to get everybody at the office sick. But as a part of the prep of that, I have to shave myself. Yeah, you do. Jeff had it done. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. He did. A couple of days or weeks was what the guy said to me.
He said, listen, start shaving maybe a couple weeks beforehand. I don't know if he was talking because on the paper it says shave a couple of days ahead of time.
But I think he was trying to tell me something. Just get in the habit.
Yes.
Is that what he's saying?
Like, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure that my urologist is a gay man. Uh-huh. And so I think he was trying to tell me something like, hey, you really got to do some trimming up down there. Yeah, I'm an expert at this and you just got to get some of that stuff out of the way. You might want to start shaving. It might take you that long to start shaving.
So let's get you ahead of the curve and let's do that. So I was like, OK, Chrissy, I'm telling you what. First of all, it's very hard to shave a pair of balls. It's not an easy thing to do. And second of all, it's an unfamiliar feeling because, you know, shaving your balls is like not something you do on a regular basis. So I was talking to Astrid and she's like, well, you'll get it waxed.
And I'm like, wax my balls? I'm not going to wax my fucking balls. Are you kidding me? I'm such a baby. I could never do that. It's not like one of my kids after I asked him to clean up.
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Chapter 4: What are the details of Brian's vasectomy procedure?
There's no one else in the room. I thought that was like not a thing. I thought you had to have other people in the room when you were like touching somebody's private parts. I don't know. I guess that's the way they do it.
I've never gotten a vasectomy before.
Well, I've never gotten a vasectomy before either, but I've had people touch my nuts. And I think it usually is like if you're someone of the opposite sex, there's some rule that she wasn't adhering to, but whatever. I know why she gave me the Pronox first. She's like, fuck it. I'm going to touch this.
this guy's dick he's gonna be high as fuck he ain't gonna care well i probably wouldn't have cared in the first place but let's be high as fuck anyway so she rips it off and then she starts fondling the twigs and berries you know what i'm saying i say fondle she wasn't fondling she was being very professional lifting and checking she's like i gotta clear i gotta clear out the tubes one more time hope you don't mind take a deep breath for me
She was being very professional about it, right? To the point where she was like grabbing the head, the twig with her fingertips, you know, which that's how most women have grabbed my penis with the fingertips. There's not much to it. So she grabs it. She makes sure it's in the right place. Then she tapes it to my stomach. Oh, she tapes my twig. Yeah, she flipped it up, taped it there.
And now I'm thinking to myself in Middle Earth, in a different zip code, please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. I was like, oh no. And then, Chrissy. I... I've never taken an ice bath. I'm not one of those guys. I hate cold showers. I'm not one of those guys.
The only time I've been in really, really cold water is when I was jumping in after Nico when he blindly just ran into the pool when it was middle of January. That's the only time I've had that sensation. I know.
I admire the people that like to do those cold plunge.
I love them.
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Chapter 5: How does Brian describe his experience with nitrous oxide during the procedure?
I was well aware.
Yes. I had... It was definitely... What's going on in my brain? Someone's touching your penis in an uncomfortable way. You may be high, but just be aware. Things may not be going well down there. This is not the sensation we're used to. So he starts sticking this needle in and then he's like, okay, I'm going to give it about five minutes to warm up. So just keep on breathing.
Remember, the deeper you breathe, everybody in this office is geared towards getting you as high as possible. They're all saying the same thing. And by the way, I'm all for it. Yeah. If you're going to pay $100 for the nitrous oxide and you want it to work, go ahead and suck that baby down as hard as you can.
Get it in.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I have a regulator on there, you know, there's some kind of safety measure. I think to myself as I'm sitting in this K-hole, I'm like, clearly I'm not going to die. But I feel so out of body, like I'm in some weird universe. I'm sure. He comes back. He slices and dices. You can feel it a little bit, right? And I'm just thinking to myself, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. No, I don't want to see that. It's like that time Astrid was giving birth to our first child. The doctor's like, you want to see? His head's coming out. And I was like, what do you say in that moment? Don't I'm an awful father and I can't handle it? No, you say, of course, I'm a man. I'm going to pull up my balls and I'm going to take a look. I should have never looked.
I should have never looked. So I'm telling myself, don't look, don't look, don't look. But I'm high as a fucking kite, too. So at one point, I try to like sit up, raise my head a little bit. And the doctor literally takes his elbow because now his hands are covered in my blood and semen. He takes his elbow and pushes my head back down. He goes, let's just stay still right there.
Nothing here you want to see. Let me deal with this end. You deal with that end.
I love the gentle elbow. I know. He goes, dink.
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