Chapter 1: Why is Bryan in quarantine and what's the episode about?
Somebody gonna ask me, why do I go out of my way to be petty? I said, first and foremost, it's not out of my way.
Okay.
On this episode of the Commercial Break.
So we are at the point now where I think we can officially call this a mandemic. I have mandemic myself into a full week of sickness. So unfortunately, there is going to be no new episode of TCB today. But I would like to kindly remind you that we have done 6462 hours of this damn show. So there is absolutely no shortage of commercial break content if that's what you need today.
And because I know some of you might want TCB content today, I'm going to repurpose an old episode, one where I talk about Astrid's big adventure down to Miami for a day and how I had to care for all 15 of my children. It's an episode that will clearly show you what a moron I really am. I'd also like to remind you that Chrissy and I now stream all of our recordings on YouTube, Twitch, and Kik.
So if you want to hear the episodes early and live and get involved with them, you can follow us at The Commercial Break on Instagram. And we will post 15 to 20 minutes before we stream on those three platforms. That usually occurs Tuesday through Thursday between noon and 3 p.m. Because if there's one thing that Chrissy and I cannot do...
over the last six years of this show it's keep a schedule and that's why it's important you follow us at the commercial break so you don't sit on youtube wondering where in the hell we are okay here's episode number 523 from season 5 this is me brian green starring as mr mom the next episode of the commercial break starts now
I'm Brian Greene. And this is the Keanu Reeves of my Tom Cruise. Kristen Joy Hodelay. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. You're my Keanu Reeves. Wow, did you see he just got married? He did?
Yeah. Good for him.
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Chapter 2: What challenges does Bryan face while caring for his children?
He wants to do all his own stunts.
But there's some appreciation I have for the way that he lives his life.
I absolutely do, too.
He just don't give fucks. He doesn't give fucks. And he's rich and powerful enough to not give fucks. And he backs it up. By producing incredible movies. And he's like so hands on with them. He knows what the public wants. I know.
I didn't want to like the second Top Gun, but I did.
I haven't even seen it, but it's the best movie ever.
I wouldn't call it the best movie ever, but it's a great movie.
Well, they're saying like Mission Impossible 84 or whatever they're on is the best action movie ever made. Really? I haven't seen that yet either. With a 67-year-old dude? Yeah. But yeah, because he's driving a real motorcycle over a real canyon and he does it all himself. Yeah. It's unbelievable. Yeah.
You know, Harrison Ford used to do all his own stunts, too, or most of his own stunts also in the Indiana Jones movies. But even he wised up. He's like, fuck. After he crashed that plane, he's like, I'm not doing this anymore. What the fuck am I doing? I'm breaking bones. I don't know. There's some small appreciation that I do have for Tom Cruise and the way that he lives his life.
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Chapter 3: How does Bryan handle the chaos of morning routines?
Yeah.
Apparently, you know, those two, Mila Kuniez and Ashton Kutcher, showed up on an episode or two to kind of like... you know, further the storyline. Were they like the parents or something? Yeah, they're the parents now of the children who are on that 90s show, which makes sense. But I just don't think Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis hold as much weight as they may have at one point.
I think there was that one point where all like, oh, Ashton's a pretty cool guy. Now I'm like, what a shithead. I mean, honestly, like what a dumbass. That's my personal opinion.
I forget too that he was with Demi Moore for so long. Oh, yeah, that's right.
Now I'm seeing these pictures with like Bruce Willis, his new wife, all his children and Demi Moore, all like Christmas morning wearing pajamas hanging out.
Yeah, well, that's the way you do it. Well, except he's got that bad disease now.
Well, yeah, but I mean, I say that's the way you do it. What I mean is- Like the blended family. Yeah, like the blended family. And when someone's in trouble, they all come together, regardless of how they feel about each other or what past they may have. That to me is a beautiful thing. I like it. I agree. I really do enjoy it. But what a scary thing for Bruce Willis.
And now there's a number of people who have been diagnosed with that. I know. Early onset, super quick dementia. That's scary shit. That is scary shit. Put me out of my misery. That's all I got to say. I mean- I'm not suggesting that anyone hurt anybody, but put me out of my misery if that's what happens to me. Send me off to Sweden. Put me in one of those ā
a sweet yeah yeah they have those tubes you put yourself in you press a button and then there you go and you disintegrate you just go yeah you just float off into the night and then put me in one of the and then burn me and put me in a tree or whatever they're doing now they grow a tree out of your body they do it's crazy yeah that's the way i want to go i heard i heard someone the other day and something i was listening to say they wanted to just be put into the ground like just straight
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Chapter 4: What happens when the children wake up early?
Isn't that what psychopaths do?
I am pretty sure that's what psychopaths do. And, Brian, listen, if Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't care how annoying your dog is. You've never met a dog as annoying as Blue. And she's still breathing. I know. I have not executed her, and I do not intend to.
How many years and days a week have I been coming here? I mean, thousands and thousands. Not thousands of years, but thousands of times. Thousands of days, yeah. Have I walked in that door, and it's the same dance every time.
Yeah, she jumps up on you. You've got to move to the left. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Shut up! So my youngest is walking and starting to talk.
Yes, she is.
And I'll share this story in the next segment. But my wife goes out of town for a day. One day. That's it. Gone in the morning, comes back at night. That's just a 15-hour window. Yes. And I'm trying to get everybody out the door for school. And the dog is just like, every time someone goes in or out of that door, it's a signal to that dog, Blue, to go fucking apeshit. Just to go crazy. Ra-ra-ra!
And it's like, dude, we're just leaving. We do this every day, four times a day. We're leaving the house. You're okay. Everything's going to be okay. But she is so wound up and she's so fucking obnoxious that she will not stop barking like loudly, sharply. It kind of hurts your ears.
Yes.
And so we're all trying to get out of the door. Yes.
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Chapter 5: How does Bryan manage his daughter's hair before school?
I don't even understand. Like, it just doesn't make any sense to me why you would want a dead, rotting corpse in the backyard unless you had a farm. Where there's plenty of land. Right. And no one's ever going to see the maggots crawling out of the earth. But like, isn't there some disease that can happen if you just like burying dead things in your backyard? Seems like it.
Jeez, it seems so weird. Crazy.
No, we never did that.
Never did it?
My family didn't do that.
No, but you had a lot of dogs too.
We did. We had a lot of cats, dogs, fish.
Your mom like opened up the house for that? Yes.
She was an animal lover.
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Chapter 6: What unexpected issues arise during drop-off at school?
Like, ah, ah, get in your cage. Sorry to take you from your home on the beach and stuff you into some box, but you're going to be fine now. Everything's going to be good. A better life awaits. You just have to wait till Monday at 9 a.m. Monday, 9 a.m., everything's going to be fine. Yeah, take a little nap.
Sleepy time for the bird. Well, hopefully that bird's still alive somewhere.
I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so.
The weirdest thing about that whole situation, and this is a story I told a long time ago on the commercial break, Astrid and I were at a beach, and we were just hanging out there, and I was taking a run, and on the way back from the run, right in front of where the family was sitting on the beach, where they had like, you know, camped out there, there was a bird, and it was like, just like trying to flap its wings, but it wasn't, and it looked dizzy and confused.
And I was really upset about this. I was like, geez, and had some kind of film on its wings. I got really upset about this. And I had the guy that was at the beach club, I had him bring me a box and I put it in the box and I had a towel and I wrapped it around it. But it just seemed really in very bad shape.
And so I started calling around the island trying to figure out who could help this bird. Well, of course, you know, whatever, the DNR, Department of Natural Resources. They're like, yeah, we don't come out for a single bird. Birds die. It's okay. You know, and I was like, well, that's not very...
dnr of you okay i'm not calling the do not resuscitate hotline i'm calling the department of natural resources right and then but luckily there were a couple of bird sanctuaries well all of them were closed except one lady answered the phone and she said yeah we see this all the time there's a navy uh submarine encampment uh you know a base right down the street right down the beach encampment
There's a Navy base down the street. I have a terrible headache. And you know, when like headaches start to affect the way that you think, you know what I'm saying? That's where I'm at right now. I'm like, God, my brain's not working. So there's this Naval base and the Naval base uses a certain kind of substance to wash off the submarines, the
clean the submarines and we believe that that's a neurotoxin to these birds and so whenever they go cleaning the subs we end up having a number of these birds so i'm not open today i won't be open till monday but in the ass backward swamp of florida somewhere 50 miles away from where you happen to be if you just drive down this dirt road for 14 miles then you'll see a box in the middle of nowhere where you stuff the bird and i'll pick it up on monday and i'm like what the fuck is going on here
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Chapter 7: How does Bryan react when he can't find his son?
I'm like, what are you doing? I think it's full of disease and nastiness. Like, my goodwill stops at roaches and possums. You know what I'm saying? I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry, I just don't. Because you're kind of weird. You're like little aliens crawling around this earth, and I'm not sure you should be here. So, I don't know if my empathy extends that far.
If you're a dog or a cat or a cute little bird... Those things I want to have.
I mean, I'll swerve to miss it.
Yeah, of course you swerve to miss it. Causing accidents. Every time I swerve to miss a squirrel or a chipmunk, I think to myself, one of these days I'm going to die because I swerved to miss it.
But it's like your first instinct, right? I mean, it's not to just keep going.
There was the other day.
I guess unless there is a car oncoming.
Yeah, you've got to be careful. I know it is a natural instinct. That's what makes it so dangerous. It's like, you know, it's like a, I don't know, like some weird tick that you have. It's like, ah!
know the other day one of my kids is like was has been for months growing increasingly anxious about bugs right and she doesn't want to see bugs bugs bugs dad bugs bugs bugs bugs but we've been trying to talk her out of it talk her down off the ledge listen most bugs don't want to hurt you they have no interest there are some bugs like roaches that you just kill and then so we're outside we're playing around she notices every bug and she goes oh daddy look there's an ant and
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Chapter 8: What lessons does Bryan learn about parenting by the end of the episode?
212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a raise. Compliment Chrissy's innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans. Or tell us a little story. The juicier, the better, by the way. We'd love to hear your voice, because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials.
At the Commercial Break on Insta, TCB Podcast on TikTok. And for those of you who like to watch... Oh, that came out wrong. We put all the episodes out on video, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak, and tcbpodcast.com for all the info on the show, your free sticker, or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date. With my dog. No, seriously, Axel needs food.
Today is pork chop day.
All right. So Astrid has to go down to Miami just for the day to sign a piece of paper regarding a citizenship, right? That's what she said. That's what she says. Exactly. And I'll explain this in a second why for a second I thought, hmm, I don't know.
She just needed a day off.
She needed a day off to be with her sexy, you know, hunky Hispanic boyfriend. Yeah. So she's got to go down there just for the day. It's kind of like a got to do it kind of situation. We have no choice. It's literally planned within 24 hours and she's on her way. And she she's like, listen, I know. I'm sorry. I got you know, I got to do this. I'll leave you everything done.
She's really so concerned about her children's ability to actually live through an entire 15 hour window with dad just by himself. So she's like sitting me down to have this big conversation with me. She writes this huge note. Oh, I'm sure. And she's like, you know, kids wake up at this time. Breakfast here. Do this. This kid gets that. That kid gets that. I've got these instructions.
And I'm playing so flip and coy. I'm like, listen. I got it. I got it. You don't think I can take care of these kids? I helped make them. I know how to take care of kids. Like we're parents together. And she goes, yeah, kind of. And you're mine. Kind of, yeah. Kind of. But you, like, actually don't do most of the stuff I do. And you're mostly fucking around by that microphone.
And, like, you're kind of not participating in all the hard stuff. So, yes, you do. You are a parent, technically, on the birth certificate. But I'm not entirely sure that counts much for this particular situation. And so I'm, like, taking such offense to this. I'm like, I got it. I got it.
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