The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Pete Hegseth Dodges War Crime Allegations & Melania Decks the WH Halls | Nikki DeLoach
03 Dec 2025
Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Desi Lydon.
We've got so much to talk about tonight. Pete Hegsa throws his admiral under the boat. Kash Patel puts on his big boy clothes. And at the White House, Melania decks the halls that haven't been bulldozed. So let's get into it with another installment of The Worst Wing. What a bunch of losers.
It's been a chaotic year for the White House, from the ballroom construction to a new decor style that design experts are calling Leprechaun Bukkake. The point is that people's house is in rough shape, and I don't know if anything at all could save it now. Wait, do you hear that? Is that what I think it is? Who gives a about Christmas stuff and decoration, but I need to do it, right? Yes!
It's a Christmas miracle!
The First Lady unveiled the 2025 White House Christmas decorations today. This year's theme, home, is where the heart is.
I love how she's touching everything like that. Would someone who hates Christmas do these? Or these? Yes, the theme is home is where the heart is. Or as Melania calls it, New York. Can I go home now? I mean, good God, she didn't even take her coat off. Keep car running outside. That won't be long. And while Melania was decking the halls, Donald was dreaming of sugar plums dancing in his head.
Unfortunately, it was in the middle of a cabinet meeting where he somehow Kept falling asleep while people worked really hard to kiss his ass? As we speak to you now, Steve Woodcoff is in Moscow trying to find a way to end this war to save lives of 8, 9,000 people, Mr. President, as you know, are dying every week. Jeez, normally dudes fall asleep after someone blows them.
If you're falling asleep mid-blow job, you should see a doctor. But let's move on to Kash Patel, FBI director and man who just found out that Kash Patel is the FBI director. And now, a new report is giving people yet another reason to question Kash's priorities as director.
The day after Charlie Kirk's assassination, sources in this report say that Kash Patel flew in to Provo Airport on the FBI jet and then refused to get off until someone provided him with a medium-sized FBI raid jacket. One was found belonging to a female agent and taken to the plane.
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Chapter 2: What are the latest updates on Pete Hegseth's war crime allegations?
But honestly, you can't even tell that it's a women's jacket, although looking back on it, you can tell that he was up there thinking, I hope no one can tell I'm wearing a women's jacket. But come on, throwing a tantrum and refusing to get out of the plane until he had exactly what he wanted to wear? I know he borrowed a woman's jacket, but did he borrow her period too?
And getting his jacket wasn't even enough. Cash still needed to accessorize.
But then Patel, according to these sources, was displeased by the fact that it didn't have Velcro patches on the upper arms. And so then these agents had to go scurrying around trying to find Velcro patches. Finally, some SWAT raid guys produced them off their own jackets.
Oh, my God. It's like trying to get your eight-year-old out the door for school. No, Mom, I'm not leaving until I find my special jacket, the one with the cool patches. But let's move on to the big news about Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense and guy who will buy you a beer even if you're underage. And also, you didn't even ask him for beer. And also, he's just drinking the beer all by himself.
I'm kidding. Pete assures us he's sober, although he might need a drink now. Now to the intensifying controversy surrounding Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth over an alleged order to kill everyone on a suspected drug boat and a second strike that targeted survivors. Lawmakers from both parties and legal experts say this could be a war crime. Oh my God.
I can't believe Pete Hegseth might be going down for war crimes. I thought for sure it'd be a hit and run while running away from another hit and run. But don't worry, Pete's already prepared for jail. He got the gang tattoos years ago. Way to plan ahead, Mr. Secretary. And one thing we know, if somebody did something wrong, he's gonna man up and take responsibility as the Secretary of War.
Pete Hankseth put the blame for the second strike squarely on his commander, Admiral Mitch Bradley, saying on X, I stand by him and the combat decisions he has made on the September 2nd mission and all others since.
What a little bitch. Blaming someone by pretending to praise them, I stand by him and all the decisions he made on his own while I was out of the room. If you want to get to him, you know what? You'll have to get through me, and I will let you do that as you were. I also love how Pete's also pre-blaming Bradley for all the other sins.
And I also congratulate the Admiral for cheating on my wife at the holiday party next week. So yeah, things are starting to look a little dicey for the Secretary of Defensiveness, but Pete is fighting back the way a true warrior does, with memes.
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Chapter 3: What unique Christmas decoration theme did Melania choose for the White House?
As insane as Admiral Bradley, who is totally behind these strikes, according to an anonymous Pete Hegseth, who just told me. When this all went down, Hegseth wasn't even in the room. He was taking a dump. OK, so this is all Bradley's fault? What? Of course not. Admiral Bradley told me it was Vice Admiral Johnson who ordered the whole thing. Bradley wasn't even there.
He was whacking it in the stall next to Pete. Okay, so now they're throwing Johnson under the bus. What? No, no. It wasn't Johnson's fault. Johnson was hypnotized by Captain Cartwright, who was doing a favor for Commander Jenkins, who turned out to be two kids in an oversized coat who were given the order by Private Bailey, who was being catfished by the IT guy.
But they're now very much in love, so this is a happy ending.
Oh, my God. Jordan, at this rate, the military is gonna run out of soldiers to blame. Well, they already have, Desi. That's why they're recruiting a whole new division, the 101st Scapegoat Brigade. These loyal troops will parachute into any situation Hegseth needs to get out of. A war crime, a signal chat, an unpaid bar tab. You know, whatever it is, they'll take the fall. Hoorah!
I'm sorry, Jordan. I'm just so distracted by your tiny jacket. That is clearly a woman's coat. Stop it, Desi. Don't be intimidated that I'm getting so strong I no longer fit in my jacket. Look how swole my shoulders are. Those are shoulder pads. Those are war pads, Desi. Thank you very much.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a scapegoat orientation for the new recruits happening just behind me, so... Oh, wait. Wait, Jordan. What's on the back of your jacket?
Nothing.
Turn back around.
I don't want to.
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Chapter 4: How is Kash Patel's role as FBI director being questioned?
You're going to need a Santa sack full of cash.
Hit me.
From those holiday lights to the Christmas tree and even the gifts that go under it. Tariffs making almost all of it more expensive this season. 87% of all Christmas decor is made in China, meaning it's subject to a more than 30% tariff. The price of an artificial Christmas tree, 10 to 20% higher. And Christmas lights could cost 63% more this year.
That's right. Tariffs are making Christmas decorations hell expensive. And Americans are getting absolutely screws in their dirty chimney holes. Ho! And that means one thing. People will do anything to save on holiday decorations, which is why I'm bullish on converting to Islam. It's a solid idea. that no one will get mad at me about, okay?
When it comes to spending money on Christmas decorations, you're gonna be saying, oh, shiite, Rama, damn, that feels good. Remember, you promised you wouldn't get mad at me. Of course, if you are, for some reason, unwilling to exploit an entire religion to save a few bucks, then consider saving green on an evergreen by getting one of these. Oh, huh? Boom.
Man, these smell like the perfect combination of pine tree and headache. And unlike those bulky fake Chinese trees, these fit anywhere, whether you live in a big house in the suburbs or in a Nissan Cube parked outside of Secaucus Mall waiting for the food court guys to pay me. Hey, hey, where's my money, J-dubs? Moving on.
Now, if you're like me, you eat pasta six, seven nights a week. But thanks to some new tariffs, I'm about to be pinching penes.
I said, hit me! Americans could soon be saying arrivederci to their favorite Italian pastas. Imports from 13 Italian pasta brands, including favorites like Barilla and Rumo, are staring down a 107% tariff that could hit American shelves as early as January. For shoppers, that added tax could mean paying twice as much for the real deal. Yee, mama mia.
That rigatoni be costing tons of money.
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