The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Let's Fix The Dolphins Vol. 1 (feat. Adam Archuleta)
07 Jan 2026
Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
This is the Dan Levitar Show with the Stugatz Podcast.
Chapter 2: How many times have the Arizona Cardinals made the playoffs?
So do you guys know how many times the Arizona Cardinals have made the playoffs in their 106 seasons as a franchise? Because I don't expect any of you to know that answer. It is 11 playoff appearances in 106 years. Harbaugh had 12 in 18 seasons with the So it's a little harder to do than people think. I'm stunned that the guest bookers have indeed, I just thought Archuleta's a great name to say.
It's a fun name to say. And I didn't think that they'd produce him quite this quickly, but Adam Archuleta is indeed there ready to give us all the advice we need on how it is to fix the dolphins. Can you just throw together some cruddy imaging as fast as you can that introduces this new segment, How to Fix the Dolphins.
Let's fix the dolphins. Fix the dolphins. Fix the dolphins. Fix the dolphins. Fix the dolphins. Fix the dolphins. Let's fix the dolphins.
Fix the dolphins. Fix the dolphins.
Do it like Eggman. Aikman alphabetically is before Archuleta, but Archuleta is a broadcaster whose help we need to fix the Dolphins, former first-round pick, obviously a safety in the league for many years. And he's one of the voices in the AFC South, a member of the famous AFC South group chat that Mike Ryan has not been included in. So we are pleased to have him here.
How would you, sir, thank you for being with us, how would you fix the Dolphins? Well, first, you forgot to throw in their connoisseur of really awful backup quarterback play. And I think we're now we've graduated from the AFC South now that Jacksonville is so good. We're now part of the quasi AFC North, AFC East crew. So you got to add that into my introduction.
OK, I'm sorry I introduced you poorly. You didn't answer my question at all. Listen, I mean, the Dolphins, Where do you start? I mean, you're in contract hell. You got to figure out your quarterback situation. Did I mention you were in contract hell? You got to get the GM and the head coach on the same page. There's a lot of fun stuff that you got to do down in South Florida.
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Chapter 3: What strategies does Adam Archuleta suggest for fixing the Dolphins?
I feel like that's exactly what Aikman is being paid to tell Steven Ross. 100%. It may sound ridiculous to you, but this is what Troy Aikman probably said. Man, where do you start? You know, it is. And look, there's a lot of haves and there's a lot of have-nots in the NFL.
And if you are saddled with a quarterback, a hole at quarterback, and you're saddled with salary cap quarterback hell, then that is a really, really tough place to start. Until you figure that out, then it's going to be an uphill battle for sure. Adam, does it bother you that we want you to do for free what Troy Aikman's getting paid a lot of money likely for? You know what?
In a way, it does a little bit, but, you know, I've got to understand. You've got to understand where I'm at in life. I have a great gig. I've done well in life. But as far as analysts go, I'm not a quarterback. I'm not a Hall of Famer. So I'm kind of like the redheaded stepchild of analysts. You look great. I do a lot of things. for a lot less money than the quarterbacks do.
So I'm kind of used to it. That's kind of part of my deal. And doing stuff for free, I guess, is kind of my wheelhouse.
So, Adam, if you were being paid to advise Steven Ross, are you telling him today, nah, stick with Mike McDaniel, or are you telling him, Go after John Harbaugh.
But you're doing it very poorly, I should say, as an advice giver. When you come in, instead of forcefully telling us what it is he should do, you're saying, well, where do you start? It's a hell of an uphill battle. We need confidence. Conviction. Yeah, we need you to tell us what to do. Shoot the gap. Yeah, you go after guys that have done it, and you go after program builders.
And listen, on one hand, I do like getting some new blood in the building, guys that are young, that guys have a different creative mind. And you tried that with McDaniel. Look, I like what Liam Cohen has done in Jacksonville, and I like what some of these young guys have to offer. Yes. Is there a fancy ā what would the new coach have to do in Miami, similar to the ā Doral.
Mike, before you get out of here, I know you've wanted to talk to Adam for a while because you want to be a part of this group chat. Yeah, Adam, I'm hopping on a bird right now to your old stomping grounds for the Fiesta Bowl, but I was so excited to hear your name pop up because Spiro Didis made me a promise, and I take someone's word very seriously.
In his last appearance, he promised that I could get added to this AFC South group chat. One of my passions is watching Spiro and Adam on the call of AFC South games and hearing, Moelle Cox! And the Jigs! The Jigs! The Jigs! Please, can you find it in your heart to actually add me to this group chat? I love the AFC South boys. I'm cool with it, but we didn't. We changed the name.
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Chapter 4: What challenges does the Dolphins' current situation present?
Hold on. I got to clear it with Aditi. Just kind of make sure that she's cool with it. You know, but... As long as you bring something to the table. You know what I mean? Like you got to bring, you got to be able to bring it. I can haha to your jokes with the best of them. Thumbs up. You got it. I need, I need creative sticker. Oh, dude.
Some creative stickers and some, you know, the new thing is like, you got to be really good with some, some great grok image creation and animation. So if you can, if you can bring that to the table, that is welcome. I'll vouch for you. Oh, dude, you're, this chat is about to level up. Adam, thank you for being on with us. We appreciate the insight.
I feel like we have fixed the dolphins and we have brought an assortment of things to a table. So those are good things. Thank you. Yes, you're going to have to talk to him off air about getting the number. You wanted to say something, Adam? I just feel like I added zero value to the conversation and zero insight. It means you did your job.
As long as that's cool with you, I mean, that's what you get when you give advice for free and you're not paid for it, all right? I feel like that's the same advice the Dolphins are paying for. I don't feel like they're getting any better for their dollar than we're getting for our lack of dollars.
I'm just saying, I appreciate contributing to nothing, and anytime you guys want me to come in, I'm good for it. Greg, I believe that that would have been a good time to use the telestrator to just draw things on Adam Archuleta's face. Have you forgotten that you have the telestrator? Yeah, I did forget. Hang on. It's our first day with the telestrator, Adam.
He's gone now. Oh, he's gone.
He's still there. There we go. He's still here now. Oh, the arrow through the head. You're going to that one again. Steve Martin. Steve Martin, yes. Adam, thank you for playing along. We do appreciate it. We're going to try and do it every day until the Dolphins get it fixed. Appreciate it. I can't wait. Thanks, guys. Have a good one. I love that guy. He was so good on American Idol, too.
That was a success, unlike the Miami Dolphins for the last 25 years. Hey, Jeremy, happy holidays. Happy Chinooka. I want to toast you. Actually, I don't. I will toast with you. Okay. We're co-workers. Friends, you could say. No, we cannot say that. But we both enjoy an ice-cold Miller Lite. That's true. Especially around the holidays. You know, it's the 50th anniversary of Miller Lite.
It's really amazing. Every time we say that, I can't believe it. Well, it's crazy because they've basically been partners with the Dan Levitard Show for half of their existence. What? When I put it to you that way, we got an old ass show. Yeah, we do. That's crazy. Hey, let's look around at our friends, not each other, and our family, even though they're not here. I do miss your brother, though.
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Chapter 5: How does Adam Archuleta feel about being compared to Troy Aikman?
Go to MillerLite.com slash Dan to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.
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Chapter 6: What insights does Adam Archuleta share about the AFC South?
Don Libetard. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football.
Football.
Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football. Football.
This is the Don Labrador Show with the Stugats.
Can we get, please, something that I saw yesterday that I didn't think could be done by a human being? Can we get Wemby, please, kicking some basketballs out of a basketball net? It felt like AI to me. At Levitard Show, do you believe... Poll should be, do you believe a human being can kick the basketball rim? That any human being can kick a basketball rim?
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Chapter 7: What are the implications of contract issues for the Dolphins?
Because this is as close as I have ever seen a human being being able to almost kick. He could definitely kick the rim. And spoiler alert, it's Wemby. For the audio audience. It's Wemby, and there are four or five basketballs stuck in the netting, and he just, instead of knocking it out with his hands, he jumps up and he knocks it out with his feet. He's doing it from a standstill.
He could definitely kick the rim. And he could have just stood there and hit it, unlike just about any other human being. He wouldn't have had to jump. His foot was like, his foot was a foot short, I'd say, of the rim. Only because it hit the basketball. Yeah. That looked like he was getting full. I don't know if he could do the rim. But he wasn't trying to hit the rim.
He was only trying to get the bottom of the net. A little crow hop or something? I mean, he's doing a karate kid crane kick there. Give him a couple steps to get some momentum. You guys understand the question, though. So you've now seen it, and you have some context. It wasn't very long ago that this was an unknown person in France. Here's Wemby standing next to Shaq. Making Shaq. Look like me.
And dwarfing Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq is so big.
Yeah, that's the only comment anyone ever makes. Jeremy, Jeremy, I'm not kidding you, okay? Anytime I've been with Shaq, what ends up happening around Shaq is people walk away from him muttering, he's so big. He's got to be tired of that. But it's also like, how is that not obviously what you came in with as information on Shaquille O'Neal to still be stunned by it?
If you watch the Minnesota game last night. Those other players are actually standing. If you saw the Minnesota game last night, you saw that Rudy Gobert and the athleticism of the Timberwolves defense was a huge problem for everything the Miami Heat were doing. To see Wemby dwarf Rudy Gobert.
I would have thought two years ago, if you had asked me and I had no introduction to there's a seven foot seven person in France. Is there a human being who can kick a basketball rim? My answer would have been absolutely under no circumstances has there ever been a human being who can do that. Wouldn't that have been your answer? Yes. Of course. Would anybody, like, is there any context?
Who would be second place on this list of people that you think would come close to being able to kick a basketball ring? I mean, take like Yao, for instance. Yao was, what, 7'4", 7'5"? No, but can't move like that. There's no way he'd be able to come close to that. to kicking the rim. I think maybe someone who is literally doing a full backflip where their entire body was flipped the other way.
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Chapter 8: How does the discussion shift to the topic of cults and murder-related content?
Although now that no one's carrying cash, I think that you have to actually now send me a Venmo. You have to abduct the athlete in order to get what you wanted. But in a previous time, people knew that they could grab the jewelry or grab things of value from the car. So athletes do have to be careful driving home. Is it like, scan this QR code? And send me your money right now.
Is that your threatening? I'm just saying, like, instead of give me all your money, like, I have a QR code that they pull. Pull out your camera. But that's your carjacking voice? That's your threatening carjacking voice? Scan this code and send me all your money. Don't tell anyone. Wait a minute. There's Biden in there. Call it a lunch. Why is Joe Biden?
Because, you know, you have to put a little thing, description of why you're sending it. Say we had an aggressive lunch. A weekend retreat. Scan it. None of you have an answer to my question as to why. You're asking the wrong group of people, Dan. I think you nailed it. A gun range, that's all I got. Do I have an assault rifle, period?
Growing up, my mom was wary of me going to friends' houses that had BB guns. I think you're asking the wrong group. You shoot your eye out. That was a thing in my household, too, going to a home that has a gun.
An overprotective Jewish mother?
Yep.
I had an air rifle as a kid. That was a lot of fun. It didn't shoot anything but air, but it sounded like a gun going off. That was great. Gun culture is run amok in this country, obviously. That's why people look at the First Amendment and they say, that means I have to have assault rifles. And athletes are just a slice of Americana.
If we're crazy about guns in America, why wouldn't athletes, some of themā be crazy about.
Second Amendment. Whatever. Well, I think it probably matters.
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