Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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I cannot stop obsessing about my husband's ex-wife. about what their relationship was like, comparing myself to her, worried about whether she's gonna come back around and... Do they still communicate?
Are they still talking? Well... What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thanks for joining us, talking about your mental health and your emotional health and your kids and your marriage. everything you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we'll figure out what's the next right move.
If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes. And if you don't know what show notes are, send Kelly a letter via mail. I will leave her address at the end of the show, her personal home address.
Preferably maybe like smoke signals, carrier pigeon.
Nope. Letter. She actually, I heard you bought the unit in the trailer park next to you, which is awesome. Now you have like an extra like lot, which is cool.
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Chapter 2: Why is the guest obsessed with her husband's ex-wife?
Yeah. It's for like a office space.
Just an outdoor office space under a tarp. You keep working hard, Kelly. You're going to get there. I'm proud of you.
Well, if you keep working hard, I have a better chance of getting there.
That's probably fair. And on that front, not looking great. Not looking great. We are slowly ticking back down to our original 17 listeners. And all right. Let's go to Salt Lake City and talk to Olivia. Hey, Olivia, what's up?
Hey, how's it going?
Doing all right. How are you?
I'm good. I'm good.
So what's going on?
Yeah, I was just calling because I... for some reason cannot stop obsessing about my ex, my husband's ex wife and their relationship.
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Chapter 3: How does the guest's past influence her current feelings?
I feel like maybe they had a better sex life. Maybe, you know, I'm like always asking them questions like, did you guys ever, Go here. Did you, you know, I'm asking him like specific questions about their sex and it's just too much, you know, like everything.
What is it about you that you don't think measures up?
I don't know.
I mean, you know, you know, cause it haunts you. I want to get it out of your body and I want you to say it out loud and take her off the table for a minute. Where do you think you're letting him down?
I just maybe have never felt like I deserved somebody as good as him. So I feel like I'm feeling him in every way.
So who taught you that you weren't worthy of guys like him?
Well, I don't know if I've thought about this before. I don't know if I've been taught it or just, I don't know. I feel like my parents did a great job of raising us that I had a terrible ex-husband and a terrible baby daddy and all my exes were not great. So now I finally hit the jackpot.
Tell me what not great means. Tell me what not great means. Did they cheat on you?
Yeah, the father of my son cheated on me when I was pregnant and then my ex-husband was an alcoholic. It was borderline domestic abuse situation. And then other guys that I dated were just not good enough. But you did me okay.
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Chapter 4: What strategies can help manage feelings of insecurity in relationships?
What do I got to do? What position do I got to be? What size do I have to be? Do I look good enough? Do I make good enough money? Like your body's just trying to protect you.
Yeah.
And so your body's not being silly. It's not broken. It's just trying to protect you because it's been on this road before. Yeah. And you have to teach your body through action. But it's safe. I'm driving now. I'm okay. Yeah. I wasn't safe then. I'm safe now.
Okay.
Makes sense. Does your husband want to dig into your sexual history?
No.
Okay.
He can, but we're very open about stuff. But yeah, he's not, it's not reciprocated usually.
Probably because he's like, yeah, I'm good. I mean, what good is that going to do us moving forward?
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Chapter 5: How can couples effectively communicate about their pasts?
Excellent.
Waiting for the weather to warm up, so yeah.
It's 1,000 degrees in Nashville, so... Actually, it was nice today. It was hot yesterday, but doing great. Pretty jealous. So what's up?
Well, I wrote in because... I have an issue that I have not heard you talk about before, and I am uncomfortable, and I don't want my husband to see me naked. I've been trying to figure out why, because it wasn't always this way, and I think I need a different perspective.
Well, I'm glad you're here. Tell me more about it.
Um, it's really difficult. I don't want to like talk too bad about him, but it's, it's been rough.
Just tell me the truth.
That's it. He sucks in a lot of ways.
Okay. All right. Tell me, tell me about that.
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Chapter 6: What role does anxiety play in the guest's relationship?
And he said nothing. So I asked him about it this morning and he was like, I just didn't know what to say.
But, but as a, as a guy who's married to a woman in perimenopause, I'm sure you get what I'm saying? Like, um, here's, here's a couple of things. Number one, I trust you that he's a jerk to you. Yeah. Thanks. Um, and I also want to challenge you. Like, mind reading is not real. And you telling him, hey, when I say this, I want you to say this. That doesn't make it any less sexy.
That doesn't make it any less loving. It gives him a clear path for how he can love you.
I have done that many times.
And if he chooses not to take that path, then you can tell him, hey, the story I'm choosing to make up is I gave you a path and you don't want to take it because you want to hurt me. And that makes me feel small and it makes me feel sad. But you instantly make up a story as to why he didn't do what you think you were very clear in telling him.
By the way, Stan Taktan is one of the godfathers of relational research. And he says two things are true. People think they're great communicators, and most people are terrible communicators. And it's like, oh, that's, that's helpful. Right. And so if I know going in, I think I'm being, here's a good example.
I was in a, um, I'm in the final edits of a book I'm writing and the, the guy who's over publishing, it was pretty funny. He had, he had a big paragraph and he had highlighted a big chunk of it. And he said, I know that, you know, you think you were clear here. You were very not clear. And I was like, what are you talking about? The pathological socialization of young boys is super clear.
And he started laughing. He goes, not to me. It's not. All right. So it ought to say is if I know I'm, I'm think I'm being a good communicator, but I'm probably struggling with it. Then it's going to give me some compassion and I'm not going to be afraid to go again. You're right over and over again. All I have to say is, um,
Here's what I'm hearing, and I'm trying to say this as compassionately as I can. I want to be on your side here, okay? Because you came in. I feel like you're chasing a feeling that should come from the inside out, and you are desperately wanting it to come from the outside in. Okay. And every time... I bet he's not the only relationship where you've got challenges. Is that fair?
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Chapter 7: How does the guest's history with past partners affect her current marriage?
I don't want to give that guy that kind of power over my body. And then B, maybe I don't want to hang out with that guy anymore. My rule of thumb for folks that I work with and for myself is I get two triggers. I get to be triggered twice on a thing. The first one catches me way off guard. The second one confirms it. And then I'm going to go on an exploration.
What is it about this thing that quote unquote is triggering me? Otherwise your world will get smaller and smaller and smaller because your body will think it's keeping you safer and safer and safer. Is what I'm saying make sense?
Oh yeah, 100%.
And so when I have something that triggers me, I literally write it down. And of course, I got 10 years ahead of you on this deal, but I'm like, all right, game on. What is so scary about that thing that my body just reacted as though somebody ran through the front door with a hatchet coming right at me?
Yeah.
It triggers a doorway.
Okay, so I'll probably have to go talk to somebody since I can't seem to figure it out myself.
It's exactly what I do. But here's the thing. When I go talk to somebody, I say, my body responds to this thing as though it's a life or death emergency. I need a neutral third party on here and I need a path through it. I'm not going to go spend five sessions talking about the trigger over and over and over and over again. Do you know what I'm saying?
I do. That's a tall order. It is. There's lacking of good therapists around here.
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Chapter 8: What advice is given about parenting and setting boundaries?
Like go spend all day with your friends. That's plenty. Sleep in your own bed.
Yep. And be confident in your answer. Yeah. And I'll say it this way, and I don't think you are, but I'll just say it for everybody listening. Don't outsource your sense of relationship or self-worth on whether a 10-year-old likes you or not. Yeah. Right? Oh my gosh. You're a good mom. You're setting boundaries for your kid. You're a good mom. You're keeping your kids safe.
And for whatever it's worth, I am pathological about sleepovers.
I am too, actually.
It's all good.
Like, I am.
And here's the thing. Here's the thing you can tell your daughter at 10, and I don't think this is too much. You can say, I trust your friend. And I trust your friend's parents. But I don't know what friend her brother or her sister is going to bring over. I don't know what you might actually accidentally see on TV.
Yeah.
And that's my job. And she's 10. She's going to be like, it's nothing. It will never. I hear that. I know it's disappointing. But this just is. And then she gets to weather it. And in the morning, you're down there with eggs and pancakes. Good morning. And we're back at it. And 10 year olds can say awful, wild things.
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