On today's episode, we hear about: A wife blindsided by her husband's recent confession A husband unsure how to help his wife with the household chores A woman struggling to communicate her needs with her boyfriend Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the shocking confession made by Ashley's husband?
How do I move forward after discovering my husband's porn addiction and debt that he was hiding from me related to that.
He stole money, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. How much did he spend on OnlyFans?
Five grand.
God almighty. What's going on? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show. And I'm so glad that you are with us, man. For real. People all over the globe deciding, man, I'm tired of hurting all the time. I'm tired of going home to an electric house and I'm tired of just not feeling whole. And that's what this show is about, man.
Hurting people going through real challenges with their relationships, their mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll sit with you and see if I can... Look off into the distance and see a light that you can head towards, man.
If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K-D-E-L-O-N-Y dot com slash ask and fill out the form and we'll holla back girl at you, even though we ain't no holla back girl. Let's go out to Corpus Christi, Texas and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?
Hi, Dr. John.
What's up, lady?
How are we doing?
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Chapter 2: How does Ashley describe her husband's behavior after confessing?
he had been pulling away for a long time that he wasn't as affectionate as he used to be. Um, and you know, I thought that was partly just, you know, being, you know, we've been together for five years. Um, we're a blended family. We have, uh, one baby together. We have children from other marriages, but, um, our, our, our baby is about a year and a half old.
And so I just kind of thought it was, you know, just what happens after postpartum, you know, just kind of, you grow apart, you don't, you don't talk as much, you're stressed out, whatever. But, Um, so anyway, he, he has changed his behavior like 180 degrees. Like he's, he's more immediately the next day, he's more affectionate with me. He's talking to me. He's more open with me.
He's like trying to reassure me. He's more involved with the kids rather than just like putting his earbuds in and doing chores or whatever he's doing. He's like more involved with them as well. He's, you know, not getting irritated anymore. with like the baby throwing fits like he was before and just really, really night and day.
And then two weeks after his initial confession, which mind you, I had asked him, do you have any, like, did you have an affair? No. Um, is there anything else I need to know? No. Two weeks afterwards, I've just kind of like had this like nagging feeling and I kept getting, you know, like the lightning bolt things in my mind and I continue to get those. And
And I've had two other serious adult relationships before him. And both of those cheated on me. Both of those had porn addictions as well. And so I just kind of have been through this before, I guess you'd say. And so I decided to go through his phone history. And there was a couple numbers that he would text. every once in a while, like a few times a month.
And I could see, I don't know, I couldn't read the text, but I know that they were exchanging pictures. And so I confronted him about that. And he admitted that those were people that he does know, girls that he does know, that he would basically solicit for pictures. And, you know, they would talk, whatever. He says he never met up with them.
He says he never engaged in anything physical, that it was just, to him, it was just another mode of getting more content or something. I don't really know. So that kind of, I think that part hurt more because, like, I tried to explain to him, like, do you understand how dangerous that is? Like, it's one thing having a porn addiction to me. Like, it is bad, and I know that.
But, like, I know he's not going to be with those people. But for him to text people that are actually local to us, that's a problem because it could go, it could venture into the, Hey, let's meet up. Hey, you know, like let's do this, you know, whatever. And I will say that the texts and stuff that I did find, everything was from before the first confession. Like there hasn't been anything since.
Does that make you feel better? It does make me feel better that I feel like, he's doing everything he can to show me that he's different. Like he, he says that he feels like he has killed this sin from himself. Like that he has, you know, he laid it down to die.
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Chapter 3: What financial and relational impacts has the husband's addiction caused?
And you get to decide, you get to say out loud, here's what must be true about this new foundation that we're going to build. And husband, you're going to do a lot of the heavy lifting here. And if he goes, are you serious? I already told you. Then he's not ready.
Yeah.
If he says anything, anytime, anywhere, here's my phone. Here's all the contacts deleted out. Here's an app that any text I send you get. I don't have a laptop anymore. I've gone to a flip phone. I'm going to essay meetings. Now we can build something new because you're not going to be able to put two feet concretely on the ground. Ashley, you're always going to have one foot in and one foot out.
And you have to because you've been down this road before and your body has a GPS pin in the middle of your chest. You know what kind of hell you've been through with breaking up serious relationships. Do you get what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
I just... You don't have to do any of this. You can just go on and just be like, yep, he's cured.
Well, I don't want to be so naive as to say he's just cured.
Okay, then what must be true? You tell me. What would make you feel like I can actually trust him again without doing what you've always done, which is bury your own emotions and bury your own fears?
Yeah.
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Chapter 4: How does John Deloney advise Ashley to rebuild trust and move forward?
There's not a way for you to win is what it feels like. When is the wrong word? There's not a way for you to connect in those nights when she wants, when she is seeking disconnection. Is that fair? That's fair. What makes you nervous about standing up?
You're getting a lot of silence from me because I'm just, I'm just kind of thinking through.
No, I know you. I know, I know, I know. It's hard. And it's hard to hear another guy talk about your wife like this. I got that. I get it. What are you afraid of?
I think just that it won't make a difference. It won't end. And just kind of where my mind goes is, is this just the life I've chosen forever?
No, it's a life that y'all are co-creating together. How'd I know you were going to say that? Well, here's what's awesome. What's amazing is y'all have chosen a miserable dance. Where you come in kind of aloof and absent-minded, doesn't matter what you do, it's never going to be enough.
And then she has chosen, she doesn't like the life she has, and I don't know why, but she doesn't like the life that she has. And when that bubbles up and bubbles up and bubbles up, it comes out on you. And so for some reason, there's an inner anger in her. And it could be, she wishes she was back at work. She doesn't like being a mom as much as she thought she did.
She doesn't like you as much as she wants to like you. She doesn't, who knows what the thing is. You don't make enough money for her. Y'all don't have enough, like the neighbor's got a suburban and y'all just have a, like, I don't know what the thing is, the things are in her life. But that's where we got to get to. Because she has to exhale and be happy that she's in her own home.
Does that make sense? Does that ring true? To a degree, yeah. What makes her happy? What brings her joy?
I think just curling up in the corner with a book. That's her favorite thing to do, and I know that with the kids, she doesn't usually get to do that.
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Chapter 5: What challenges does James face with his wife's constant criticism?
love language than me he's really really physically affectionate and that's not to say I don't like physical affection and that's a huge problem it's just that it's it's a lot he's really really physically affectionate and I what does that mean?
paint me a picture
So I will just be sitting there trying to work because sometimes I work from home. We both sometimes work from home and I'll be sitting there trying to work and he's constantly kind of like grabbing me, hugging me from behind. He keeps kissing me on my cheek and I'm not trying to sound ungrateful.
Like I feel like I'm sounding ungrateful, but it just, it's not my love language and it really doesn't. it can be so overwhelming sometimes. Like it's just too much. I'll come home from work and I'm really happy to see him, but then it's just constantly, he needs to just be holding onto me and showering me with physical affection.
And I just like, I need to just sit down for half an hour and decompress. Like I had maybe had a stressful day.
When you tell him that, what does he say?
Well, it's either one of two reactions. So either he kind of gets, hurt and huffy and just goes away and leaves me alone and he's just upset and hurt or he will say oh okay and then he'll keep doing it but then oh yeah you don't want me to touch you i forgot and god dude what a bad baby you're you're dating a toddler you know that right I don't, I don't, he's just like, he's hurting over that.
He's a toddler.
He's normally more mature. Like he's normally quite.
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Chapter 6: How does John Deloney analyze the dynamics between James and his wife?
One, begin to explore when you're gone, when you're on the other side of the room taking a business call, what are some other things he can do to feel less anxious that don't involve putting his hands all over you? What are some other things? Because that's his job is to deal with his anxiousness.
And the second thing is, what are things that both of you can do to establish our relationship is good and safe? Because what he does is he creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every time you walk in, hands all over, hands all over, hands all over. And finally you're like, hey, I need a minute. Oh my gosh, she hates me. And then you get annoyed that he's acting like a baby.
And then you let him come, well, come hug me. And then you're like, ugh. And then pretty soon you stop coming home.
Yeah.
And then his fears that he's trying to quell by always being handsy are a self-fulfilling prophecy. He creates the world that he was trying so hard to avoid.
Yes.
But I think it starts with a grown-up conversation, which is, hey, I've tried to just talk about it and talk about it. I know that you love to hug me. I know that you want to always have your hands on me, and I get it, and I'm glad that you love me. But I can tell when you're anxious and you're trying to use my body for you to feel less anxious, and that's not my job.
And also, we have to, if our relationship's going to last, we have to get to a place where I say what I want and you don't immediately say, turn into a third grader who just got dumped on the playground. Is that fair?
Yeah. I mean, I, I guess so. I just, I, I, I do want to be able to have him feel loved in the relationship as well. I don't want it to just, I don't know, be all what,
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