On today’s episode, we hear about: · A man trying to get over feelings for his ex-wife · A wife struggling to reestablish trust with her husband and rebuild the marriage · A woman who still feels guilty about being involved with a married man Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: How do I move past my sexual attraction to my ex-wife?
How do I move past my sexual attraction to my ex-wife? I've had relationships with new women, but it never seems to gratify the same way as it did with my ex-wife.
Is this about sex or is this about a 20-year relationship where somebody knows everything about you and there's a deep, safe, intimate connection there? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you not live. That kind of feels like it is, right, Kelly? Kind of feels like it is.
Well, I mean, we're live in the fact that we're all in here doing this show right now, but when the people hear us, it will have been... I think one day we're going to do this show and there's going to be like some big wild thing and we're just going to be like... Like before COVID when all those people had recorded their shows.
Right, because, yeah, I mean... So from the time we record this until it releases... It's a good five weeks, four weeks. No, more than that. And so, yeah, things happen in that amount of time. And we're just like, la, la, la.
We transcend the dailies.
Yeah. I'm worried about like baseball season has started and spring is here, you know.
I don't really care about baseball because the Astros traded away everybody. That's why I'm a huge believer in the Nashville Stars because my Astros gave everybody away. So we just need the White Sox to have one more really obnoxiously bad year. They can just move on down south to the Nashvilles. I don't even know if that's supposed to be how it works out, but that's what I'm hoping for.
Hey, glad that you're with us on this show. Kind of distracted today because Kelly got a new tattoo. She got a dragon across her stomach. And if you're wondering, was it weird when she showed us? Yup, it was. But I'm glad that you're here talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your coworkers who just get weird tattoos and just feel the need to show you.
Oh, so you're going to talk about weird tattoos.
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Chapter 2: What are the complexities of long-term relationships?
I guess to have the same level of trust and sexual compatibility and intimacy, you're going to need more time. Like you're going to have to build that relational stability. You were married to somebody. Now you're just hooking up with people. That's a different anchor point.
Yeah, when you say it like that, yes.
I mean, does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, no, that all makes sense. If you're married 20 years, not everybody, but you get to a point where you're not performing anymore. You can be with. If you're just hooking up with somebody, that's a show, right? You're doing your greatest hits so that hopefully they can do their greatest hits. See what I'm saying?
Yeah, we're playing nothing but the hits here. That's exhausting because you're not being you. Yeah. Right. What does... Uh, I mean, do you still miss your wife, your ex?
Uh, well, yeah. I mean, like you said earlier, it was, you know, somebody that I was with for 23 years and divorced. Well, she lost, she lost respect for me. And in the end, I mean, I had some business deals that went bad and, you know, there, there were money issues and,
that went on and, you know, I don't want to throw the word narcissist out there, but I mean, she certainly falls into a lot of those personality traits. Gaslighting was, was her biggest, her biggest nastiness to her. So it was, you know, in, you know, and then, and then after we got divorced, I mean, she came out as a lesbian too. So that went, That might have played a factor in a little bit.
You think? I don't think it was only a small factor. I don't think it was a huge factor, but I knew she was gay when I was married to her, but it never seemed to affect anything otherwise. But, I mean, she was just a very difficult person. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
What are you saying, man? Like, you're like, I knew that she wasn't living a life that she felt would make her a whole, but it was all good. And she was combative and was blaming me for her lack of happiness. I knew she was gay, but it was all good. And then I had money issues and business issues. Did you have integrity issues too? Did you hide the losses? No, no, I didn't do that.
So she just didn't expect you to do that.
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Chapter 3: How does depression affect marriage and trust?
Yeah, because it was like I could only, I would do fine at other people's houses and I could like even help my in-laws clean their house, help my sister-in-law clean her house.
Okay.
What this is, that is a distant, that is a distant byproduct. What it has to do with is for whatever reason, and this, this is all going to tie back to your question. What should you expect rebuilding your marriage? Okay.
Yeah.
It all, your body identified your world, your home, your partner, something, all of it, a piece of it as I can't do this. I'm out.
Yeah.
And if you think about yourself underneath a, I don't know if this analogy will hold. I'm just making it up off the top of my head. But if you struggle with anxiety and you're doing bench press, imagine the bar is so light that you can lift it a hundred times like a broom handle, right?
You're just lifting it and you're trying to lift it as much as you possibly can so you can get as strong as you can because one day someone's going to try to kill you. With depression, somebody loads it up with five times the weight you can lift. And you push and you push against it and you can't budge it an inch and you just stop.
Yeah.
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Chapter 4: What should I expect while rebuilding my marriage?
What did he say when you talked to him?
He was kind of stunned. He, um, cause at first I asked him what would, why would a man email somebody who he hasn't seen in 17 years? And he's like, probably nothing good.
Right. He's exactly right.
And I, then that's just when I was like, okay, I have to tell you something. And, um, And he's kind of a stoic person, so I really didn't get much emotion out of him, either mad or sad or anything like that. He was just kind of like surprised I kept something from him that long.
That's what I think you're frustrated with.
I don't know. I've always been carrying around this guilt for a long time.
Even before I met him. Okay, let me ask you this. What is it getting you?
Nothing.
No, it's giving you something. I don't know what it is, but it's giving you something. Is it a way to remember this affair? Was it pretty wonderful?
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Chapter 6: What role does intimacy play in relationships?
And dumb.
I was going to say, did you do anything else dumb when you were 20 or 21?
Yeah.
Like every 21-year-old on planet Earth?
Yep. I made bad decisions, that's for sure.
Well, you're going to have to get in a long line of 20 and 21-year-olds who made bad decisions. Why is this still haunting you at 37 years old?
I've just always carried around some guilt about it, like it's a horrible thing to do. I was single at the time, but... I didn't want to tell my husband. Every time we watched your show and somebody talks about cheating, he's just like, people who cheat are just terrible. And I'm just sitting here thinking, you're going to think I'm a terrible person because of this terrible thing I did.
And it finally came out.
But do you see how you're bouncing tenses and trying to compress time?
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