On today’s episode, we hear about: · A wife unsure if she should fight for her marriage or get a divorce · A daughter concerned about how politics has divided her family · A father afraid a new baby will change his relationship with his stepson Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Should I stay and try to fix my marriage or is it beyond saving?
Should I stay and try to fix my marriage or is it simply beyond saving?
That's a big one. 20 years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking calls from all over planet Earth about your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, struggles with addiction, whatever you got going on in your life.
My promise is this, I may not have all the answers, but I promise I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for more than two decades and it's one of my, one of my
the highest honors of my life that I get to sit with folks amidst their pain and amidst their trust and see if I can point out on the horizon and find a small pinprick of a light that might provide hope for the next right move. If you want to sit down and have a chat with me, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Love to have you on the show.
Let's roll out to Ontario, Canada and talk to Audrey. Hey, Audrey, what's up, lady?
Hey, oh my gosh. I'm a big fan.
You've been with me on my journey. I'm a huge Audrey fan. This is big for both of us.
What's up? Thank you. Thank you. So I guess my short question is, should I stay and try to fix my marriage or is it simply beyond savings?
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Chapter 2: What challenges has Audrey faced in her 20-year marriage?
Ooh, that's a big one. So if you've listened to me for more than like three minutes, you know, I'm not going to give you that full answer, but I'll, I'll, I'll sit with you. What you got going on?
Um, okay. We've been together for about 20 years, um, two young kids and he's also had a, um, binge cocaine addiction, um, The entire time. It's gone spans of a year not using, but it's been consistent. And we've tried rehab. He's tried rehab. We've tried counseling. We've tried everything. And it's continued to escalate.
And finally, about six months ago, when he brought it into the house, I kicked him out and separated and told him to leave. And so it's been six months. Um, we've done therapy, we've done family therapy, IV therapy, we've done all the therapies and we're just stuck. And the only difference is he doesn't live here.
And he sometimes sees the kids when he's not using, um, he only uses on the weekends it appears and he's high functioning otherwise, but not functioning for our family. And I'm stuck.
Yeah. Um, To get this out of the way, otherwise it'll just spin in my head and loop and loop and loop. I absolutely hate the phrase high functioning.
Yeah.
Because all that means is somebody has X, Y, or Z challenge or struggle with addiction or mental health disorder, whatever it is, and they go to work and get a paycheck. High functioning rarely is in reference to the wake state. that somebody like your husband leaves relationally, emotionally, financially on the people that love him.
And for those, I've spent a lot of time with people who struggle with cocaine. Just for people who are listening who don't have that kind of reference, 20 years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them.
Well, I had a hard time going away, but when I did go away about a year and a half ago on a trip that was pretty important across the world, he was with the kids and used. And my daughter called, FaceTimed. She's young, but she FaceTimed. And I had to get somebody to the house to take the kids away. And that was kind of the thing that I said I would never be okay with. And it happened.
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Chapter 3: How has addiction and dishonesty affected Audrey's family life?
I don't know. I thought, you know, I guess naively I thought, I guess this happens and he's not doing it. He didn't do it. It would be like two years span and it wouldn't happen. And then it would happen and he would just disappear for 24 hours. Or 72 hours. And then we had humans. Yeah, yeah, usually about 24 for sure. It usually didn't go beyond 24.
That means you were really present in the ramp up.
Uh-huh. For most normal mortals, it would have been 48 to 72 hours, but you, I guess, could handle the front end of that before he had to disappear.
Yeah. Wow. And he's mad at me. And so there's a lot of anger.
Of course he is.
And, you know, there's a lot of everything's intermingled.
It's not, though. It's so clear. No. It's not.
Yeah.
What is it about your current reality that you're having trouble being honest about? Because listen, for the last 20 years, you have lived inside of a spider web of dishonesty. And you've allowed it to. It's both and.
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Chapter 4: What fears and emotional struggles are holding Audrey back from leaving?
Yeah. My dad died when I was eight.
There it is.
He killed himself.
And you've been watching a man slowly kill himself for two decades.
Yep. Yep.
Tell me about your old man.
I don't remember. I was eight.
You remember the bomb blast, though.
Yeah, yeah. Like, he was abusive to my mom. She separated from him. They were separated at the time. And he was coming to get us to take us out for breakfast. And she found him in the garage. So I'm sure that's, I'm petrified of him dying. Yeah. But I know all the things. I am intelligent. I can do this.
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Chapter 5: How can forgiveness play a role in moving forward after a tough marriage?
You say you work at the same place.
Yeah, not for the same company, but not in the same place every day.
Will this cost you professionally to divorce him?
I hope not, but that fear is there. The stigma, yeah, I mean, as big as it is, it's still small. So yeah, I'm concerned about that.
Will he be a person of character on the back end or will he run you down?
He has been...
person of character so far but he is running me down silently and nobody knows that he has this problem either well and that's that so let me let me change the language a little bit so you i guess for all intents and purposes you've made your decision And if you're calling me as just kind of a C-level podcaster to be like, do I stamp this? Yes, I stamp your decision.
Validation.
Consider it stamped, okay? Yeah. I don't know that I've talked to somebody who's tried this hard for this long to get somebody to see in the mirror what you see, which is a man that you love.
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Chapter 6: What practical steps should Audrey take when deciding to end her marriage?
And he's gone from he can't to now I think it's he won't.
Yeah.
And so he won't. And exhale, put a stamp on it. When you make that decision that I'm ending this for the safety of me, my family, my children, you are now entering into a business transaction. And if you are doing business...
If you were sitting around a table with a room full of lawyers about to sign an agreement or terminate a contract with business professionals, there'd be some sort of NDA-ish kind of language that says you can't go out in the public and run me down or I'm going to make this whole thing public. Right. And so now that you're entering into this world, that's got to be part of the language. Right.
You can't, quote unquote, protect yourself partly, right? Boxers don't go in with one arm up. They got to have both up. They're going to get knocked out.
Yeah.
And you know as well as I do that in the workplace, his word's going to be valued, especially initially, over yours.
Yeah. He holds a higher position too.
Yeah.
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Chapter 7: How does John Deloney describe the impact of a spouse 'opting out' of family?
Yeah. I would use language like, Daddy's really sick.
I did. I did. After listening to a few of you. I have. That's the language I'm using with them. Okay. My 10-year-old knows... That it's drugs. They call it acting weird. When mom's away, dad acts weird. But it's just for a day.
Gosh.
Yeah. They're in therapy, too.
Well, I mean, that's all well and good. Therapy all around. Yeah, I mean, it's all well and good. You're pretty therapized up. You know what I mean? Yeah. The thing you've got to start doing is taking action.
Yeah.
You've thought about it enough. You've talked yourself into circles. You've had enough cups of coffee with well-meaning, like it's time to either say, this is who your dad is and we're going to ride or die. Or your dad has opted out and I'm going to have to do the dirty work here and actually take care of the paperwork because he won't. He doesn't love us enough to fully leave.
He loves us enough to bounce back and hurt everybody.
him.
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Chapter 8: How can children be supported emotionally during a parent's addiction?
Yeah, he does now.
And then you've got a whole other crazy world of I mean, just the unequalness with which these things get separated. But probably a lot of your success is due to the shared childcare expenses and all that kind of stuff. And so figuring that out, just sitting down and making sure we're all honest about what this is going to take.
Yeah.
But you're right. I gave it a try. Yeah.
What are you talking about? You gave it a try. I gave downhill snow skiing a try. I hated it. I went to ski school and I just went out of control down a bunny slope and I knocked over a ski instructor and he's like, what's the deal, bro? And I was like, really? You think I did this on purpose? And I spent the whole day freezing on greens. And then I just like, I hate this. I quit.
I gave that a try. I don't like being cold. I don't like being out of control. And skiing's both. You gave two decades of your life. I did. And I think you have to forgive yourself. Because you've known the ending of this ride for a long time. And you kept staying on and staying on and staying on and staying on.
Yeah.
I did.
Will you forgive yourself?
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Chapter 9: How to handle professional concerns and integrity during divorce proceedings?
Can I tell you a thing that kind of sucks about forgiveness?
Yeah.
I haven't seen it done intellectually successfully. Like you can't sit in a dark room and be like, and remember that old office episode when Michael Scott declares bankruptcy, he runs out in the middle of the room. He's like, I declare bankruptcy. That's not how that works. I've not seen people with this type of
long-term hurt be successful in forgiving themselves or somebody else as an intellectual exercise you have to go do yeah and often yeah forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing yeah it's just hard
and let's just like put it all out on the table um for the next five to ten years unless he is just a man of extraordinary character who's just has a demon that is cocaine you'll be the bad parent he'll be the cool fun parent you'll be the parent that has the rules and the guidelines and he'll be the parent that's like oh my gosh let's go right
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Chapter 10: What is the role of therapy and action in coping with marital issues?
And he'll have resources and he'll have the fun and he'll be the dad that sneaks the beers. I mean, it's going to be the next 5, 10, 15 years of tough stuff. And what you're doing is you're trying to create a world where your 25-year-old son, your 25-year-old daughter can look back with their hand in yours and say, oh, now I get it. She was fighting for us the whole time.
She was fighting for us the whole time. But no more daddy gets weird. You should be able to leave town, leave the country, and they be with their safest person imaginable, their dad. And he's chosen not to be that. I hate that he left you, and I hate that he left y'all. Thanks for the call, sister. Call anytime. We'll be right back. All right, it's Organifi time.
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Throughout the way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. And you'll also be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent Challenge for kids. It's called The Little Way.
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Chapter 11: How does John Deloney validate Audrey’s decision to move on?
Hi, how you doing?
I'm doing pretty good. How about you?
I'm doing pretty good. I'm a little nervous, but, you know, we'll get there. We'll get through it.
Have you heard the show before?
I've come across a couple of your episodes on YouTube. That's where I'm coming from. I saw a couple and I kind of recognize like, okay, this is an unbiased individual. Oh, I'm super biased. That's what I'm looking for. You seem to be able to at least logic your way through most things, even if you don't agree with it.
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Chapter 12: What upcoming live shows and additional resources does John offer?
You know what? That's the nicest thing somebody said about me. I appreciate that. No, I'm biased about silly things, not about big things.
um all right so let's um let it rip dude so anyway if you know this if you if you haven't seen this show a lot i'm not very good at this so you have nothing to be nervous about you're you're you're good we'll fumble through it together so what's up so um how do i explain to my parents that politics is ruining ruining our family and that they need to tone it down how old are you i'm
24. So I'm not that old in the grand scheme of things.
Oh, I'm only asking you because I'm going to say the oldest sounding thing in the whole world. And I'm sorry for saying it like this. It's something that I wish someone had told me when I was 24. And I also know I wouldn't have listened when I was 24. There's literally nothing you can do to convince them of anything.
Mm-hmm.
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Chapter 13: How to address family division caused by politics? (Hazel's question)
And it's one of those heartbreaking things that we learn as we grow older that people that we love do things that hurt us. And we have pictures of the way we want things to be. We want family dinners to be fun and a safe place and hilarious. And sometimes they're not. And we want our dads to love our husbands, and we want our moms to love our wives, and sometimes they don't.
And we want our uncle to not drink. It just is. And so I guess the thing I can tell you is I'm imagining you've already tried to have a conversation.
It's come up a few times, but nobody in our family really feels comfortable having a conversation. a little aggressive about it.
Yeah. Then here's the deal. They're opting out of relationship with you.
And then they turn to us and they ask us why we never call.
Can you honestly say because I don't like talking about politics and that's all you want to talk about?
Mm-hmm.
What do they say?
They get offended. I know, but listen. They kind of come after her like... They'll tell us that our beliefs are wrong and that we just don't understand yet, we don't have the experience. It just kind of seeps into every little thing that they talk about. And it's like talking to a brick wall.
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