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Chapter 1: How did an affair impact a mother's relationship with her son?
I had an affair, and I have a 16-year-old son, and my relationship with him is not good. It feels like someone has died.
Yeah, they have. I'm assuming during moments of clarity, you've sat down and said, I was wrong, I blew this thing up, and I'm sorry that I blew your life away. Yo, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. Taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges. I'm a real person. I'm a real boy.
And we are taking your calls on what's going on in your marriages and your mental and emotional health with kids, family, life, everything. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, and please take 30 seconds really quick, really quick, and hit the subscribe button, whether you're watching this on YouTube or you are listening on your favorite podcast player.
All right, let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina, and talk to Dale. Hey, Dale, what's going on?
Chapter 2: What challenges does a man face when his beliefs change?
Hey, Dr. John, how are you?
Doing all right. How about you?
I'm doing good, thank you. It's an honor to speak with you.
It's an honor to talk to you. What's going on?
Thank you.
Well, I've listened to your show for years and always respected your advice and just thought I would write in with my issue and see if you had any words of advice for me. About two years ago, I got divorced. I had an affair, and I have a 16-year-old son, and my relationship with him is not good.
He is extremely hurt, as I can understand, from what I did, and we really don't have a relationship at all. Um, I have legal joint custody of him, um, with my ex, but he has never spent the night with me. Um, he rarely communicates with me. Um, I'll go weeks at a time without seeing him and it's just been really hard.
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Chapter 3: How can a mother rebuild her relationship with her son after betrayal?
Um, I just, I don't know what to do. I've gone to, gone to counseling and, you know, they pretty much just said, just give it time. He's in a really hard age and this is just going to take time. Yeah. But, that's really hard.
I can't, um, I'm so in love with my 10 year old daughter and I'm so in love with my 15 year old son. I can't imagine being in a place where they, either one of them said, I refuse to see you.
Yeah. It feels like, Someone has died.
They have?
Yes.
I mean, what was your relationship with them has died. Yeah.
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Chapter 4: What steps can a parent take to show they care despite distance?
It's over.
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm assuming during moments of clarity, you've sat down and said, I was wrong. I blew this thing up and I'm sorry that I blew your life up.
Over and over.
Okay.
All right. I've written, I've written, you know, a couple of letters.
Yeah.
I've owned my mistakes. I mean, I've I've done about all I know to do at this point.
Okay, so here's the hard, terrifying reality that you face, okay?
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Chapter 5: How does guilt affect parenting after a major life mistake?
And it's just going to take something that very few people have. And you're now aiming for a relationship with your 25-year-old son, not your 16. And what that means is You have to simply just keep showing up for the next 10 years. Okay. I'm going to write him a letter once a week. Okay. And knowing he may not read it, I'm going to send him a text message twice a day.
I do that.
But here's what we're looking for. We're looking for a decade worth of evidence that, That my mom's character is complicated. And one time she did a really bad thing that had a really negative effect on me. And I have a decade's worth of evidence that she's a person who owned her mistakes and she's a pretty amazing person. She never stopped coming for me.
Chapter 6: What insights can be gained from discussing imposter syndrome?
Okay. And that will be exhausting and tireless and heartbreaking. And here, I'm just gonna be super honest. It may not work because I don't know what he's getting fed by his dad.
Right.
But I want there to be evidence. I never stopped coming for you.
Okay.
And however that looks like for y'all.
Yeah.
You can't buy your way back?
Yeah, he plays baseball, so I make sure to show up at every game. I do everything I can to show up.
And all you can do at this point is to continue to show up. Okay.
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Chapter 7: How can one overcome feelings of inadequacy in a successful career?
And to continue the invites, even if you know he's going to say no?
Yes.
Are you still with the person you had the affair with?
I am not.
Okay, all right. And also, here's another tension. Anytime he has a feeling of, I miss my mom, or I just want to hug my mom, or I just want to go home, there will be a hot burning fire of disloyalty against his dad when he feels like that.
That makes sense.
And so know this, that every time he does say yes to you, he's doing that at the expense, and this sounds strange, of his 16-year-old conscience, which is I'm being unloyal to my father.
Yeah, and I know that's a lot of emotion to process for a 16-year-old.
I mean, I can't process that. I'm way older than 16, right? I mean, the thought of being disloyal to somebody is such a core value of mine. Like being loyal is such a core value that if I'm doing something that I think is disloyal, dude, I can't deal with that.
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Chapter 8: What practical advice is offered for maintaining integrity in relationships?
But I've heard that over and over and over and over from countless teenagers who are going through divorce, which is anything I do, I feel trapped because I miss my dad. I miss my mom. But every time I send a text back, I feel like I just, I was disloyal behind my dad's back. Right?
I hadn't really thought about it like that before.
And so if you think about it this way, it might be that he doesn't want to be around you right now, but it might be, and this sounds crazy, he can't be. Because it's such a conundrum, like a conundrum of consciousness that he's found himself in. Yeah. And so I, as an adult who loves him, I'm going to do my best to not put him in those conundrums. Okay.
But I'm going to damn sure let you know every opportunity I can. That I kept showing up and I kept showing up and I kept showing up.
Yeah.
He will have no evidence to the contrary that mom isn't his biggest fan.
No, he won't. I can absolutely do that.
But it's going to be hollow for a long time. Yes. I can't even imagine the amount of hurt.
Well, and, you know, the guilt from it.
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