Chapter 1: How should I tell my girlfriend about my medication for sex?
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I've met a 62-year-old woman, and if I can just be frank, she and I have marathon intimate times.
First, you roll into my house and say, I'm 62 and I have marathon sex for hours, and that you take a couple of Cialis.
Yeah.
Where are you feeling dishonest? What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm in Nashville. You amazing men and women are writing and calling in from all over the planet. We talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life.
My promise is I'll pull up a seat and I'll sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Charleston, South Carolina and talk to brother Bruce. What's up, Bruce? Hello, doctor. How are you? I'm good, man. How are you?
I'm, I'm perfectly well. I'm very nervous. Um, I feel very privileged to talk to you, although I'm extraordinarily embarrassed.
Oh man. Um, your feelings are all real and you're allowed to have them. I'll just tell you, I'm glad that you're here. It's just you and me and several million people listening in. So it's all, it's all, it's all good, man. What's up?
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Chapter 2: What challenges do older adults face in feeling attractive?
Um, I'm a 62 year old widower, um, with no children. Um, After my wife passed away in 2020, I needed to come to Vanderbilt there in Nashville for a heart and kidney transplant, which I eventually got. And I haven't started dating until about five years after her passing.
Hold on. So after your wife passed away, you had to go through a heart transplant all by yourself?
A heart and kidney transplant. Oh, my gosh. And both organs had to come from one person. How are you doing right now? I am perfect. That's perfect.
Can be a, I wish more people described themselves as perfect. That's awesome. But I can't imagine. I don't like doing a cold with like going through a cold without my wife. I can't imagine grieving and then having to go through that at the same time all alone, man.
Yes. I was, I was very fortunate because I'm a veteran. The, uh, so the VA, as soon as my wife was diagnosed, uh, I started counseling to process the eventual loss of her.
Good deal.
Did you all have some good last years together?
I was in counseling for three years. Did you all have some good last years together? We did. Awesome.
With no children, I just sat here in our house the night that she passed, and I just sat next to her as she breathed her last. And then I took care of all of her final wishes the way she wanted. I planted a tree in the graveyard as she asked me to do, and that's what I did for her.
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Chapter 3: How can I help my children understand homelessness?
Dude, you're the man, brother. That's awesome. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that, man. That's a beautiful image and a beautiful story of a really gnarly time, man. Thanks for sharing that. Thank you. So how can I help you today, my man?
Well, I'm extraordinarily honest, and I've met a very beautiful, very loving 62-year-old woman here in Charleston who also doesn't have any children. She's divorced for about 15 years, and I've fallen in love with her. And if I can just be frank, when we began our intimacy, I find that she and I have what I call marathon relationships.
intimate times where it's several hours which she very much enjoys but the bit of dishonesty that I'm struggling with is there are times more times than not that I have to take a couple of Cialis pills in order to do this with her and I have not told her I have been completely honest and open with every other aspect of my life but I feel disingenuous by not saying to her
You know, she says that I make her feel very beautiful, which she absolutely is. I love her a lot, and so I feel very fortunate to have found her. She's a very accomplished person financially and in her career.
Hold on, hold on, brother, hold on. You're going on a side trail. Okay. First, you roll into my house and say I'm 62 and I have marathon sex events for hours. Yes, yes. And that you take a couple of Cialis. Yes. Where are you feeling dishonest?
Because she doesn't know that I'm... She knows that I take a boatload of pills to protect my transplanted organs, but she doesn't know that sometimes those pills, you know, are the Cialis pills.
I mean, this is me being as kind as I can, but so what? Why do you feel like you're cheating her?
What I fear is... What I fear is if she finds out or if I find the courage to say to her, I'm taking these on more than a few occasions when we're together, I don't want her to feel less like I need them because she's less attractive or I love her less.
Here's the thing. Number one, you're 62.
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Chapter 4: What insights can I gain from discussing my past relationships?
You got to get that out of your head, man. Okay. Okay?
You're 62.
Okay.
Yes, I am. Those you're not 18 is what I'll say. Okay. No, you're not 25. You're 62. I didn't need him when I was 26, but I am 62. That's what I'm saying.
Okay.
Just be really grateful.
Be really grateful that you live in a sliver of history when this is possible. Okay. Yeah. That's number one. Number two, you are creating stories. And about a potential future mishap. Yeah. And you are dragging those stories back into your present and experiencing the heartbreak, the frustration, the embarrassment in real time.
If you care about this person, you said you're falling in love with this person, you have a great time with this person, this person is accomplished, and I don't care about their accomplishments, but that is a signal to me that they are able to critically think, they can work through challenge, like all that stuff.
Like you saying this, I just can't wrap my head around there's any sort of deception whatsoever at all. Like, you don't explain to her which pills are which to keep you breathing every day.
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Chapter 5: Why do I feel dishonest about my health with my partner?
You're willing to have, as you put marathon, physically intimate, like, I don't even know the right word without being crass. Just get it on time. But you don't feel safe enough. Who cares about the medication? But there's a secret that you have that you don't feel safe enough to say out loud. And I don't care if that secret is my wife of however many years used to wear those red dresses.
Next time we go out, could you not wear a red dress? I see. Or, hey, I love coming over here and being with you. I never thought I would say these words, but I want to get married. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to just get old and ride or die together. Or I take a medication. I'm just embarrassed about it. I just want to put it on the table.
Or whenever I eat, whenever I go to a ball game and I eat hot dogs, I get gas. I mean, y'all are past that physically. Y'all are past that relationally. But something in your, like you've anchored a flag there that somehow you're less than. Or worse, somehow, because you're 62 years old. And the plumbing is different than it used to be.
That she is going to interpret that, not from the, like factually, but she's going to create a story in her head. Like, man, there's, let me say it this way. There's enough craziness in the world. Don't create yet another story about somebody you have a great relationship with.
I really appreciate that because I had been feeling prior to hearing what you just said that I'm walking around in my house while she's at work. I'm not allowed to work anymore, but she's still in the workforce. So I'm kind of bumping around in my house, creating roadblocks to a woman that I absolutely want to marry and spend the rest of whatever years I have left with someone who wants the same.
And I should just be open, you know, to that possibility and not worry about the rest.
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Chapter 6: How does aging affect self-perception and intimacy?
I just, I'm very honest and I have felt not saying anything about this particular aspect of my life that I've been dishonest by keeping it to myself.
Can I challenge you on something?
I'm sorry. Can I challenge you on something? Yes, sir. I may be completely out to lunch here, okay? So just imagine you and me out here in Nashville. There's a grad taco shop right across the street from Vanderbilt, okay? Okay. Just imagine us two sitting there having chips and queso, okay? Yes.
Is there a possibility that you got married once and you had a ride or die and she left, she passed away? Could it also be the scariest thing besides somebody leaving is when your own body fails you? You can't count on your own heart. What else can you count on? Is there a possibility that you're afraid if I go all in on this thing, she might pass away on me too, or my body may fail her too?
And so we're just going to create stories to keep a little bit of space between this amazing woman and this amazing guy who had this amazing relationship. Because I've been through hell. I've been through pain before. And your body's saying, hey, we know what happens if you fall in love. We know what happens if you get a forever person. It ends in heartache and pain. Let's stay away.
And so you pace your house, you pace your apartment, wherever you live, repeating stories, responding to stories. How many times, let me ask you this, how many times have you been down a rabbit hole in your mind? About some... More times than I care to count. Okay, but you're down this rabbit hole, and then you see this girlfriend of yours... Yes. And she's the sun. She is.
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Chapter 7: What strategies can I use to communicate effectively with my spouse?
And you realize, oh, I was way off. Yeah. She can't wait to see you. She lights up when she sees you. Yes. So what I'll tell you is this, rumination feels like productive thinking. It feels like, and especially for my friends who are veterans, they were trained to foresee anything that could happen and reverse engineer a plan just in case.
And they get out of the service and they come home and they start ruminating, imagining worst case scenarios everywhere and trying to come up with a plan for all of it. And you can't do that with that many variables and friends and work and family and, and, and, oh, by the way, you have to have a heart transplant and a kidney transplant.
You got to go through it alone because your wife passed away. Yeah. And so what I'll tell you is rumination never solves any problems. It feels like productive thinking. It feels like you're practicing a future solution to a thing. It's not. What it's doing is making your present miserable.
And so my challenge to you is- I don't want that.
I know, I know. I totally get that. Can I tell you a couple of tricks for that? Not tricks, but solutions for that? Yes, sir, please. Okay. I want you to sit down with your girlfriend. How long have y'all been together? Six or seven months so far. Okay. I want you to say, there's some big things on my heart. And I have tried to protect you. I've tried to protect me.
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Chapter 8: How can I foster compassion and understanding about social issues in my children?
And I just want to have a time of openness. Is that cool? And probably she's pretty, sounds pretty awesome. She'll go, sure, go for it. And you can say what you want about, I really care about you. And I take 500 pills a day. You know that. I'm 62 years old. A couple of those pills are Cialis. And I have told myself this, this is important.
I've told myself this story that you won't like me if you knew that. And here's what you're going to do. You're going to head straight into this fear. And I'm almost willing to bet, I could be wrong. And by the way, if she looks at you and goes, oh my gosh, gross, you're the worst. You have dodged a bullet like the matrix, my friend.
Yeah.
But I'm almost confident she will smile and say, honey, you're 62.
Yes, she will. I know her well enough to know that that will be her reaction.
Okay. And that all my fears are all self-induced. Okay, the only way through them is through them. Okay.
And then, as you come up with other stories, because your body's going to try to protect you from close, intimate relationships, because it remembers when your wife passed. Yes. It remembers when the doctor said, your body is failing you from the inside out. Yes. Your body's not broken, it's just trying to keep you safe, man.
And what you have to constantly practice is at one time it wasn't safe, but it is now. And so when I get those stories that I start to ruminate on, I'm going to write them down. I'm going to get them out of my body and I'm going to ask one question. Is this true?
And I think you factually know she would, if you told her a couple of those pills are Cialis, she'd probably laugh, probably give you a hug. She might say, thank God. Right? Is that fair?
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