Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
So I guess I sound like a hoarder saying that, but we're not. Letting go of something fully seems hard for him.
He's got memories attached to things. He sees some sort of utility or possible. He's trying to solve a future problem with a current thing, right? What does declutter mean to you? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
Coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on everything, whatever's going on in your life, your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your kids, the traumas you got in your life, the challenges you got, whatever you're wrestling with, here's my promise. I'll sit with you, and together we can... Try to light the way to the next right step. I got two PhDs.
I've been sitting with hurting people for more than two decades is what I do. And I'm so honored by the bravery and the courage of the callers on this show. And if you want to be one of those folks, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And yes, we take calls from all over the world. Always getting calls from... All I'm getting direct messages and notes from people from all over the planet.
Yes. We'd love to take your call and we will figure out a way to get you on. Let's go to Detroit rock city and talk to Kimberly. What's up, Kimberly.
Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing great. It's 46 degrees in Michigan and I'm a mail carrier, so I can't complain. How do we declutter our home together when we don't see eye to eye on it? Um, But for the sake of our children is where I feel nervous in the future if we don't do something about it now.
Okay. Tell me what's going on. What's the thing beneath the thing?
So I guess I sound like a hoarder saying that, but we're not. It's just we have so much clutter in our homes and things that we have collected from years of just of life and decluttering for him seems way more difficult than it is for me. I'm willing to throw out anything, donate, get rid of it. If I haven't used it, I want it gone. And for him, it's not the same way.
He has a reason why we have to keep everything.
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Chapter 2: How can I help my husband declutter our home?
And so I want you to give me, but you're actually talking to him. What is a finish line? When would he be able to drop his shoulders and say, we are officially decluttered?
I guess when we have empty spaces so that we have room. For our young family to continue growing in the house, like actual, like a closet doesn't have to be packed just because we're living there right now. There can be empty shelves because our kids are young. They're only going to bring more stuff in. And I feel like as of now, we don't have space to do that.
So what if you're both trying to solve future problems in the present?
Yeah, that might be happening.
You with the idea of an empty shelf. And him with the idea of full closets just in case. Yeah, that's what's happening, huh? Because if you get to, because when people say they want to declutter, and this is me too, this is why Joshua Fields Milburn and the Minimalist Gang are close friends of mine. Dawn Madsen of Minimal Mom, she's a close friend.
Like what they do for people like me who have a natural bent towards handling anxiety, future problems, dragging them into the present. And I try to do that with stuff, with being prepared, right? They help me.
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Chapter 3: What are the challenges of dating after losing a spouse?
unwind, like you need this many shirts, this many pants, this, like they helped me have a definition because sometimes people want to declutter because they have, they just have too many clothes in the closet. And I got, it's, it's unmanageable for me. It's anxiety inducing every morning, trying to sift through, does this fit? Does this not, do I still like this? Whatever.
But some people want to declutter and the finish line just keeps moving. Right. Because we've never tried, we've never established what we're trying to get to.
Right. Yeah, I guess it's fair because we've never actually established that or talked about that. It's always just like, let's get rid of things.
And that's probably overwhelming for him. I would suggest, I may be wrong, but I would, because he's not on the phone, but your idea of let's just get rid of all of it. And he's like, for what though? And you're like, for an empty shelf. Right. That might be as anxiety inducing as, why are we keeping two of these pots? And he's like, just in case. And you're going, for what? Right.
So when it comes to your kids, here's what I want to be very careful of. I'm assuming your kids are really young? Yeah, two and nine months. Okay. Please do me this huge favor. Actually, you're not doing me a favor at all. Do you, your husband, and your children this favor, okay? Okay. Don't make them the reason for addressing hard things that you and your husband need to work through.
We've always talked about decluttering since we've been together. And now that the kids are here and young, they are the reason I keep pushing this. Okay. And I keep talking about it.
So bring back that fear into the middle of your chest where you as the adult have the strength to carry it. Okay. And ask yourself... Have we created two people who love each other, who are all game on? It sounds like you like this guy, which is awesome.
Yeah, no, he's great.
Okay, and it sounds like he likes you, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's amazing. Okay, so you got two awesome people here who are still, like, we're just three years in to unpacking, like, the old lives that we had that were stable and good and whatever, and now we're trying to combine them. We've accidentally... created an anxious house. Right.
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Chapter 4: How can I communicate my postpartum struggles to my husband?
That's the thing, though. And his mom's house is like empty. She doesn't. And maybe that's.
Chapter 5: What are the signs of postpartum depression?
And maybe that's it. Right. Yeah. Maybe that's it.
I was thinking about this the other day.
Chapter 6: How do I navigate intimacy issues after childbirth?
Like she I mean, she has a living room that's literally empty.
When my granddad passed away, we found old coffee cans that he had saved full of nails that he had straightened.
Chapter 7: What role does communication play in a marriage during tough times?
Why? Because he was born and raised during the Great Depression. Right. And so I can look at him and say, that's crazy. But his nervous system said there, we might run out of nails. Right. And so if your husband grew up in a home where we have nothing. Right. It makes sense. It doesn't make it right.
But it gives me a context that says, man, he's hanging on to stuff because he has been a kid who said we have nothing. And I don't ever want my kids to feel that again. Right. And you may have grown up in a home where cleanliness, if you're not clean, you're something wrong with you. I'm making something up, right?
But you might have this, there was stuff, my dad had deer heads and posters and whatever on the wall. I want nothing on the wall. I need everything. Here's what I'm getting at. Fighting about the clean shelf versus the not clean shelf. And y'all aren't fighting, I know, but y'all are having discussions. That ends up being a proxy war for, here's what peace feels like for me.
And tell me what peace feels like for you. And it might be that you say, I would feel loved. A way you can love me is give me two completely empty closets.
He would tell you that most of the closets are already mine.
Well, I know he would, but we're getting like, and for my wife. John, I know you have tons of guitar stuff and you have your old punk rock memorabilia and you've got all your hunting gear and your weird camo outfits. That's what she calls them, my outfits. But they all stay in one place. Right. And she says, I don't really go in there.
And again, some of that's just like, that's how we make peace. But it is us getting to the core thing, which is my wife really craves order. And I love her enough that I want to give her what she craves. And my wife knows she married a guy who's always looking over the next hill to make sure his family's okay.
And sometimes he looks over 19 hills ahead and he makes up stories and tries to, but I love him. And so let's, let's come to that place. Right. Right. But if she was always saying, um, it's too cluttered, get rid of it, get rid of it. We just need to get rid of it. I would, my impulse would be to grab and hold.
Hmm.
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Chapter 8: How can couples support each other through anxiety and stress?
Because she would be enacting the exact fear I have.
Right, right, right. Yeah, that makes sense.
So here's the question I want you to ask each other. Right, right.
Okay.
We've talked about clutter. We've talked about decluttering. We disagree on how we do it. All that's fine, well, and good. By the way, check out The Minimalists. They have a 30-day decluttering program. The Minimalist mom, Dawn Mattson, she has programs for decluttering. They're amazing. And they go in small steps. So they're palatable for most folks.
If you're struggling with hoarding disorder, then it's a whole other thing. But those are the two resources that I use in my house, okay? But... Get to this question. When it comes to decluttering, how can I best love you while we donate and sell things to folks who will need them?
And then answer him, here's how you can love me when it comes to creating a little more order, a little more clarity in our home. Too much clutter does create anxiety. And sometimes anxiety,
is the pathway towards accumulation and clutter which turns into pathological down the road so there is a relationship between lots of clutter and feeling anxious all the time and it's recursive sometimes it starts one way and ends the other and sometimes it starts one way and ends yet another but let's get to the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing we both agree we gotta declutter we're not agreeing on how we can do it let's swipe the table and say okay we got a bunch of stuff here
I don't feel safe in a house with 72 pots and pans. It's too much. It overwhelms me. And the thought of getting rid of all of them overwhelms you. Okay. So what's a path forward for both of us? How can I love you? And how can you love me? And my hope is y'all are both awesome people that that means I'm going to be uncomfortable and I'm going to give away a bunch of these pots and pans.
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