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Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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She didn't take my last name when we got married. Now we're expecting our first kid. And I've tried to have the conversation with her about like, hey, just her last name. And she's like, well, I really want to maintain my name with like the political climate, this, that and the other. Like there's some like voting things that she's concerned about if she has to change her last name.
What?
what up what up this is john with dr john deloney's show welcome back welcome for your first time however you showed up here however long you've been here i'm glad you're here talking about your mental and emotional health your well-being your relationships your marriages your kids whatever you got going on pull up a seat and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move if you want to be on the show
I don't answer questions and things on social media. I answer them live. Real people talking to other real people. Click the link in the show notes if you want to be on the show, and it will get you here. All right, let's go to Glenn in Dubois, Pennsylvania. Hey, Glenn, what's up?
Hey, Dr. John, how you doing?
I'm good, my man. What's up, dude?
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Chapter 2: Why does the wife refuse to take her husband's last name?
Um, so I don't know how to really have this conversation with my wife. We've tried to have it a few times over, um, where like, so she didn't take my last name when we got married. Um, we kind of agreed to that beforehand that we were like, Hey, um, she's trying to get into law school.
So until she gets to law school, cause she got her bachelor's before we were married, just so that everything carried over with her maiden name. And then she said, once I get into law school, I'll change my name. And then she got into law school and it hasn't happened. We're going on two years into law school, hasn't happened. And now we're expecting our first kid.
And I've tried to have the conversation with her about like, Hey, just her last name. And she's like, well, I really want to maintain my name with like the political climate, this, that, and the other. Like there's some like voting things that she's concerned about. If she has to change her last name, she'll lose out on rights is her concern that way. But,
I'm not sure how to address really focusing on the, uh, our child because it's our first kid is coming. Like, how do I have the conversation with her? Hold on.
Don't put this on your kid. This is, this is in your chest. Okay. Like your, your kid is surfacing an issue, but let's don't, let's don't make it the kid's fault. Let's own it between you, between you and her. Y'all made an agreement and she broke the agreement.
And she says she didn't. She's like, I never promised that.
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Chapter 3: How does a husband handle his wife's depression?
But... What political stuff is she talking about?
She... There's rumors on the right about, hey, when you go to vote, your birth certificate has to match your ID. And if you've been married, your ID no longer matches your birth certificate because you changed your name when you got married. And so... So the people on the left are saying that, hey, they're trying to take away women's rights to vote.
And so I'm not going to make that argument at this point. I've kind of let that ship sail at this point, but I'm not sure how to. like address that with like, Hey, our kid's about to come into the world. Our first baby, are we giving her my last name? Are we giving her your last, or what are we doing?
Cause like, I'm already getting the side eye from people that find out that she has a different last name than me. And we've been married for five years. Yeah. Like, I don't know where to go with that with our own kid. Like it, like, does my name not worth that? You know, she's, she's sticking to her family's maiden name. And I'm like, well, What about my name carrying on? Yeah.
What does she say?
I'm so sick of both political camps being so insane. So insane. So insane. So insane. So insane.
I don't even know what to say. And here's the thing. My first reaction is, there's no way someone's trying to take away a woman's right to vote. But you know what? I can't logically say that anymore, because there probably freaking is.
Right? There probably is. There's so many things that I said, there's no way that they're going to do that. And then these things have happened. That's exactly right.
And, and... The conspiracy theories run amok. I mean, like, so... Bro, I don't know what to tell you.
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Chapter 4: What happens when a wife feels excluded from a major medical decision?
Yeah.
Because that's what you believe.
Yeah.
And you want to put it on her and you want to put it on your kid now. I want you to take ownership with her and say, I want to have my child have my last name. And she can say, I want my child to have my last name. Well, then now y'all have to deal with this thing. But right now you're dealing in abstractions and moving parts and excuses and conspiracy theories. Like, you see what I'm saying?
Mm-hmm. Let's get to the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. Where else does your relationship with her feel slippery?
Honestly, nowhere. Like, we... there's something like as soon as I finally, the light turned on for me that I was like, you know what? I really need to pull the trigger and, uh, marry this girl. Uh, it has, uh, there has been like zero anything. Like it's been, I've never been happier in my life. Even if I lost my job tomorrow, I'd still be the happiest I've ever been in my life.
Like she has been like the best thing that has brought more joy into my life and helped me to see like, Oh my gosh, I, those things don't matter in my life. And so like, it's, this is like the one thing that I'm like, ah, it still grinds on me, but it's like the only thing. And so everything else is just in the back burner. Cause like,
Okay, say that to her exactly as you just said that to me. What you just said is poetry, brother. But if you go, if because she's given you so much light in your life and because she has helped you see things and because she is helping you on a day-by-day basis become the man you want to become and you're doing that for her, helping her become the woman she wants to become.
That's a world-class ride or die marriage. But in the process of doing that, if you start hiding things that matter to you to keep that peace, your insides will turn to ash. And so being able, looking her in the eye and say, you have given me new life. You've given me light. You've taught me things. You've shown me things. I know that you love me to the end of time.
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Chapter 5: How can couples effectively communicate about sensitive topics?
Have it now. Yeah. Especially when you are... I could tell how much you love this woman. Does she love you this much back?
I would be astounded if she didn't.
Okay. If I was talking to her and I was like, do you like this guy? Would she say things like you just said about her?
I would think so. Yeah.
Okay.
In her own way, of course.
Of course. She's a law student. Of course. Yeah. I spent my career with law students. I get it. I think a part of being fully you is being fully honest. I guess I'm curious as to why you're scared to say that out loud.
Because it does happen and it gets like beyond like a point of like making any sort of progression. She just shuts down and it just doesn't progress anymore. And then I'm like, okay, now we have to readdress this, but we, she shut down in a way that we can't say, Hey, let's come back to this in a week, a day, an hour, whatever that might be. And that's where I'm struggling is like, okay,
I don't want her to shut down. I want to actually like work through this conversation because like my argument style is we're going to keep going until we find a solution or a compromise. Okay. And she's just like, no, we're done and I'm off.
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Chapter 6: What are practical steps for improving marital connection?
So it comes quick, man. And you're in for the ride of a lifetime. I'm jealous of you because I missed those months with being so anxious and being so busy and yada. And so I'm jealous of you. I wouldn't go back, but I'm jealous that you're in that excitement. What are we gonna do? How's this all gonna play? I get all, that's awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome.
And by the way, do some, I hesitate to say this. I do my own research. But do look into the ID versus the birth certificate versus getting married. I've got some very liberal friends and I got some very conservative friends. You're the first person I'm hearing that they're trying to take away a woman's right to vote. But you know what? They just might be.
And that's wild to me and insane, but who knows anymore? But do dig some digging into that. And that way we're not making big decisions based on rumors, on social media, on conspiracy theories. We're making informed decisions based on data, on truth, wherever it still remains. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. All right, you know what time it is.
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Chapter 7: How can a husband address feelings of disconnection?
but I'm going to be in full support and love you. You get what I'm saying? I want to say what I need to say, and I want you to know I'm going to be right next to you with whatever you decide to do. And he can say, I want to do this with my body, and I also will love you even though you're scared and frustrated with me. You get what I'm saying?
That's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing here. And so you're right to be frustrated that you weren't consulted. Like he even talked to you about it. Didn't say, hey, I'm thinking about doing this. What do you think? Man, I totally get that. Totally. Yeah. And I don't want to spend time fighting proxy wars, right? Like focusing on the kidney.
The real thing is, hey, I love you with all I am. And I know you love me with all you are. your unilateral decisions affect all of us. And I need to be a part of those, at least the conversation part of it. You get what I'm saying? Correct. Yes. Can he hear that? Yes. Okay. Yes.
You exactly got it.
Tell me about what's going inside your heart and spirit right now.
I just felt so excluded.
Yeah.
And then I talk to my grown children, our grown children about this too. And they're on my side. They believe that dad should talk to all of us. So what to expect or what might be possible or what comes first, you know, post procedures. Sure. I mean, they didn't talk to us, none of those. Yeah. And I just did a Google everything.
Yeah. Okay, so don't do that. Don't do that, right? Here's an avenue back together. Because I want to be compassionate to his side, which is this. When he heard from his brother... His brother that has literally been arms locked with him through multiple layers of hell. Right. Right? Right, right. And when he heard his brother needs a kidney, that wasn't a thing he needed to think about. Right.
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Chapter 8: What is the importance of prioritizing your partner in a marriage?
Okay.
Yes.
Okay. But, uh, yeah. So let's get as, let's get as much data and facts as we can moving forward. And, but couch it under this. Here's how you can love me moving forward. And I'm going to be right here by your side. I'm not going to make you choose. It's your body. If you choose to do this, just know I don't like it because I'm worried about the health of my husband.
I'm going to be right here, but the way you can love me is let's get every piece of information. I want to go to the doctor appointments with you. I want to hear the recovery schedules with you. I want to be in this with you. I am in this with you. And if y'all have this type of relationship with your kids, y'all are going to be in this thing with me too.
So, man, thank you so much for sharing that. I wish you guys the best. I wish your husband a healthy recovery. I wish his brother a healthy recovery. And I hope this helps you and your husband communicate at a deeper level with things like this, and they will pop up again in the future. Appreciate the call.
When we come back, a man asks how to cope with feeling disconnected and distant from his wife. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. And according to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than one in five US adults suffer from mental illness every year. And nearly half of folks never get any kind of help. And these aren't just statistics.
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