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Chapter 1: What subconscious patterns lead to self-sabotage?
So I'm specifically talking in this episode to the woman that can't seem to get a project off the ground. And you keep expanding and then you hide and you contract and you expand and then you hide and then you contract. OK, if you feel like you are in survival mode. and your nervous system is dysregulated, you cannot create.
You can, but it's gonna be coming from a very shallow pool, and you're gonna be borrowing from your future self. And in today's episode, that's what we're talking about. We are talking about expansion and creating adjustment in your life so that you can increase your comfort zone So that it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger so that you feel safe in your body everywhere you go.
Okay, let's get into it. What the fuck? Good fucking morning. This is not a glitch in the simulation. This is not a glitch in the matrix. I have not moved back to London. I have just found the exact same shade of pink that I had in my London home, and I have painted my walls in the same color. And I could not be fucking happier to be in my pink room.
I wrote a post-it note to myself before moving to LA, about six months before I moved to LA, that said something like, all I need is a small pink room and just hours to create my own things. That's all I need. A small pink room, space to dance, space to create, and that's me sorted, all right? That's my version of Virginia Woolf's famous, a room of one's own. I'm so fucking back.
Like I feel amazing. I feel like I'm ready to take up space again in a different way just because my room is pink. And that's kind of what I wanna talk about with you today is how you actually need safety in order to expand. Your body needs to feel safe calm, relaxed, regulated in order to expand.
And so if you try to expand too quickly, right, and you try to quantum leap, I was obsessed with quantum leaping. If you don't do the nervous system work, and almost coach yourself on the way, feeling safe on the way through your expansion, you will experience expansion backlash and it will almost be too much to handle all at once.
And your body will return to its old coping mechanisms to get you back to a place of safety.
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Chapter 2: How can we create a sense of safety in our bodies?
And if you haven't yet updated the software for those coping mechanisms, right? So maybe yours is binge eating, drinking, picking your skin. That was my one. Scrolling on social media, whatever your...
thing is that you use to regulate yourself and almost pulls you back into your bad habits that thing is gonna like it's gonna fucking it's gonna it's gonna come up because you weren't ready for this much expansion and so you actually need to create the feeling of safety in your body almost microdosing safety in order to fully expand and become the woman of your dreams
Otherwise, you'll always end up in these cycles of expanding and then shrinking again, expanding and then contracting again. And while that's almost unavoidable, because you'll always do some sort of version of that, right? Like we're human beings, we crave safety. You will never not crave safety. You just need to find ways to.
to regulate yourself that don't involve fucking up your goals, babes. Find ways of regulating yourself intentionally so that your subconscious doesn't have to step in and create a bunch of situations in your life that you don't want in order to get you to slow down, in order to regulate you. My ego and my identity for so long has been all about my output, being a high achiever.
I push out a book like every two years. I'm such a high output, high energy person. And my ego could not handle the fact that I need rest, okay? I didn't consciously know this, but I was suppressing my desire for rest and relaxation for so long because a lot of my identity and my ego is tied up in what I'm able to achieve. I love achieving things and I'm fucking good at it.
So then when you sort of master this game of achievement and creative output, the idea of resting just felt like, what do you even mean rest? What do you even, I don't need to rest, I'm fine. I'll just slosh another fucking coffee down my throat and have the time of my life. Like there was never any incentive for me to slow down. But I needed to slow down. My subconscious wanted rest.
And so instead of giving rest to myself intentionally, right, regulating my frazzled nervous system with a bath, a walk, going to bed on time, not working until 2 a.m., not writing and writing and writing and writing and writing and overworking and overproducing and turning, even turning a morning walk into a thought dump session for the podcast, for the book, right? Whatever it is I'm doing.
Just letting myself be. My body had to intervene instead. Your subconscious needs will always be fulfilled, right? And if your ego cannot accept this desire for rest, because oh no, no, I don't rest, the subconscious will go and create scenarios in your life so that you get the rest, but it will be through something that your ego can handle.
Like me taking two months off work, finally, not because I chose to, but because I fucked up my back and I had a bulging disc in my spine caused from stress, right? I'm laughing because what the fuck else am I going to do? But there are so many moments in our life where we get poorly, we get ill and we're like, oh, I have to take the day off work now because I'm poorly.
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Chapter 3: Why is microdosing safety important for expansion?
Me now has got us. And that was probably the most radical, compassionate approach to creating safety within myself that I've ever had was just being like, not shaming myself for reverting back to the old ways. It literally felt like a possession. And it was because the changes in my life was so juicy and so quick.
And so what I'm learning now is that safety and healthy coping mechanisms, ways to regulate your nervous system, going for a walk, doing breath work, going to bed early so that you wake up with energy and your entire body functions at its maximum fucking capacity, or rather shifting towards healthy coping
Ways to regulate your nervous system that creates safety in your body so that when you do expand and it gets scary, which it does, you want it to get scary because it's new and actually people chatting shit about you, people saying things about you, new experiences, feeling like you don't belong, right? All this stuff, all of that stuff was coming up for me because I just moved to LA.
It's a completely new place for me, right? That ancient ache to belong in a new city, whatever, right? all of that stuff, even though the conscious mind is fine, your subconscious is shitting it. And if you don't adapt to new coping mechanisms, new ways of regulating yourself, in fact, let's not even call it coping mechanisms, regulation, okay?
Because your old habits, that thing that you do, that thing that you know you do, It's a way of regulating your nervous system. And so it is beautiful and it's your body's way of creating safety within you. But it's sabotaging the outcomes that your conscious mind wants, right? You want more expansion, but why is your body almost like this built-in shrinking mechanism?
It's like yanking you back every time you grow. And it's because you haven't learned how to healthily regulate yourself. And that's the journey I've been on since moving to L.A., I didn't know that my old coping mechanisms were actually just self-regulation.
And so there was this shrinking mechanism within me that I've always been aware of, but I've always been able to alchemize it and metabolize it and metamorphosize into this more beautiful version of myself. But I didn't realize that you can't just Move on.
You actually need to develop sustainable ways of regulating your nervous system so that the next time shit happens, the next time that you expand, you have something different to fall onto, right? A new framework, breath work, walking, going to bed. You have different ways of regulating yourself so that you can continue to expand, right?
So that you can stay in the expansion, so that you can increase your capacity to hold more. Because you don't just want to regulate your nervous system to the point where you're just like constantly reassuring yourself that you're okay and creating safety. No, you want to expand, expand, expand. I'm going to be expanding for the rest of my fucking life. That's what it's all about.
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Chapter 4: What happens when we try to expand too quickly?
We want more expansion. You don't want to fear your expansion. You don't want to fear your dreams. Because that's what happens. When you don't create a feeling of safety in your body...
around your dreams and how much they excite you, when you sort of subconsciously fear them because they come with all this other bullshit, like criticism, judgment, shame, being talked about, people saying, who does she think she is? Yeah, all that stuff. When you don't allow yourself to create internal safety,
The moment you expand or even get like a taste of your dreams or you expose yourself, maybe you've had this trying to post on social media and you got like one comment and you were like, oh my God, I'm deleting it immediately. You just take the post down and you have like a pulsing heart every time you go to post on social media, right? Because it's all this stuff around exposure and visibility.
It's not just a post. It's a big fucking deal because you're letting yourself be seen by people in a different way, right? If this is your first time posting online or something. And so you will subconsciously sabotage and fuck up your goals and you won't even know that you're doing it. you will create all these reasons why we don't want to post online, right?
Like, oh, well, it's just the wrong time of day. I've missed the time of day for posting.
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Chapter 5: How do old coping mechanisms resurface during expansion?
That's my one. Oh, I've just missed my prime time for posting. And that's just your ego's way of creating safety for yourself, of avoiding the thing that you fear the most, your expansion. There are all things that we know in our life that will lead us to the juicy, delicious life of our dreams.
And if you don't create safety first in yourself, you will always fear the life of your dreams, which is shit. It's shit. You don't want to fear the life of your dreams. You want to pull it towards you. My God, it's so funny. I wrote down a list of the things I wanted to talk about before recording this episode, and I've spoke about none of them.
OK, so I want to talk about this is I think that this is what I was going to say today. You have to create. Safety in your body. Your body needs to learn how to hold joy. Your body actually needs to learn that it's safe for you to be fucking joyful. One of the most radical acts I've ever done for myself and my sense of safety in the world is to dance and post that shit on social media, okay?
Because you know what it's doing? It's not only telling my body that it's safe for me to express joy, but that it's safe for me to be... A visibly joyful woman. Because it's actually not safe to be a visibly joyful woman. It's the thing that is weirdly punished the most. Because it's seen as audacious. How dare she? Right? How dare she?
It's such a way of taking up space in your body to just let yourself be visibly joyful and be physically free.
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Chapter 6: What role does self-awareness play in personal growth?
And express yourself in that way. It's so audacious. And it is, it's like the biggest way that I've been able to create safety in my body is expressing myself, you know, just like with my body and feeling central with my body. And then having the audacity to broadcast that joy and allow it to be a frequency for other people to tap into when they watch me dance.
Because there is so much to be pissed off about. in life, in the world, you've literally only got to turn the fucking TV on or your phone, the TV that you take with you to the fucking toilet, basically, global tragedy spewing at you. There is a level of audacity in daring to broadcast the frequency of joy and daring to do that. It's the, honestly, it's the best thing that you could do
for yourself because if you, and I'm not saying just like dance on social media, I'm saying your version of allowing yourself to feel safe embodying joy, is so important, not just for you, but for the planet. Because if people don't feel safe embodying the frequency of joy, then what the fuck are we doing? Truly, what is any of this all about? What's healing about?
What's all this personal development and growth all about if you cannot express and experience joy and take up space with your joy? It's so weird to even say this, right? Because you'd think that this is the The point, it's all for fun. All of this is for fun. And what, like I'm supposed to just pretend I'm not joyful and suppress joy and call that being sensitive? It's crazy.
So you actually need to embody the frequency of joy and allow yourself to feel safe expressing joy. And you can do this in small ways, right? I speak about this all the time, but I love to smile at people on my morning walk.
and give out love like it's nothing you know i'm not silly with it i don't just smile at random men unless they're a neighbor and it feels like whatever but i'm a lover girl and i wear that shit on my chest and you actually need to create the feeling of safety in order for you to live a happy life you need to feel safe living a happy life isn't that so weird
But the feeling of happiness and expressing that happiness can be associated with being isolated, being hated, being judged, having people think, fucking hell, why is she so happy? Like, whatever. And so you actually need to allow yourself, in order to expand, in order to live a joyful life, you need to create a sense of it's safe to be joyful. It's safe to be joyful. It's sexy to be joyful.
I'm a ray of fucking sunshine. And that's allowed. It's allowed. I am allowed to be a ray of fucking sunshine. Actually, I'm allowed. I am allowed to be walking love. I'm allowed to be so happy in my body, in my life, in my expression. I'm allowed to love myself so much that that it gives me a little skip in my step on my morning walks.
I'm allowed to take up so much energetic space in my own body that I stand a little tall. I actually put my shoulders back and I enjoy and revel and drink up this feeling of joy in every cell of my body. Okay, I guess I'm going on a rampage here. We're doing a little joy rampage. It is safe for me to just wake up and feel fucking amazing. It's safe for me to be adored.
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