How to Correct Someone Without Hurting Them
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
A word of correction needs to be offered, but I'm not gonna give my interpretation of the data. I'm just gonna give the data. I'm not gonna slip into this thing where I'm talking about what I think your motivation might have been or your character. I'm just saying Hi, my name is Father Mike Schmitz, and this is Essentia Presents. I know in the past I've talked about uh Dr. John Gottman and his wife, who were clinical psychologists, are clinical clinical psychologists who have studied couples uh around the globe. He had studied so many couples and how they interacted with each other that He could listen to a couple or watch a couple have a conversation for 15 minutes. And he said that he could predict with 90% accuracy whether or not they'd be divorced in three years.
And
which is a pretty big claim. But he also said that the reason why is because he would look for these things he termed the four horsemen.
What is the difference between criticism and correction?
I've talked about the four horsemen in other videos, but not this one. I don't think I've ever talked about the first of the four horsemen. The first of the four horsemen is criticism. And this is my understanding of John Gottman's teaching. Teaching when it comes to criticism. I think this can be really helpful for us, particularly those of us who are in relationship with other people, which is all of us. So criticism is different than correction. Correction is necessary. So here's a romantic relationship, here's a uh a working relationship, here's a friend friend relationship. Correction needs to be present, right? There are some times where I just have to say, okay, this um this was upsetting, or uh
I need to offer this word where you there's some change that needs to happen. Correction. So, example would be this: I asked you three times this week to pick up the dry cleaning. Three times you said you you would pick up the dry cleaning. You still haven't done it. And I'm really upset. Or I was really counting on that. And now I'm gonna be late for X, Y, or Z. So that's simply a correction. That's a correction. When it comes to correction, what I'm doing is I'm offering the data. I asked you to pick up the dry cleaning three times. You said you would pick up the dry three times you said you'd pick up the drive. It up, you didn't pick it up. That's just the data, right? Because we're trying to change a behavior.
We're trying to offer a correction, trying to communicate with each other. Criticism is different. Criticism is like this. It's, hey, I asked you to pick the dry cleaning three times. Three times you said you would do it. You didn't do it because you don't care about anyone but yourself. Or because you're so selfish. Or because if it was your dry cleaning, you would have done it. But because be because it was mine, you didn't. Correction?
How does John Gottman's “four horsemen” concept relate to criticism?
Data. Criticism. Is my interpretation of the data. Like this is so important, right? So a good correction. Is I'm just presenting the data. A criticism is I'm presenting my interpretation of the data. And my interpretation typically uh surrounds two things. One is your motivation or your character. Right? So you didn't do it. Why? Because you don't care about anyone but yourself. That's your motivation. Or you didn't do it. Why? Because you're selfish, your character. And so keep this in mind that when we're having those conversations with people, sometimes we need to have these conversations where it's like, okay, this is a behavior that has to change, or this is a behavior that is destructive to the people around you, or this is a behavior that hurt me.
There's a book, a great book called Crucial Conversations. And in it, one of my big takeaways from Crucial Conversations is. When having a crucial conversation. Stick to the data, right? Stick to here is what happened. Cause what else? What what happens if I don't? What happens is if I go into a criticism and start talking about their motivation or talking about uh their character. What do we end up talking about? We end up talking about my interpretation. We end up talking about they end up defending themselves because they're like, No, no, no, that wasn't my motivation, or no, that's not my character.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–0:44
2
What is the difference between criticism and correction?
0:44–2:07
3
How does John Gottman's “four horsemen” concept relate to criticism?
2:07–3:27
4
Why is offering the raw data more effective than interpreting motives?
3:27–5:38
5
How can you give a correction without slipping into personal attacks?
5:38–7:07